Hi everyone,
I'm from Holland, but there are no such places on the internet for people like "us" in Holland, so I am really glad I fould MB. I guess people get in marital crisis all over the world, right?
Me and my wife have been married for almost 3 years (June is our 3rd anniversary). No children. We met in October1996 and began dating in November 96. We were very much in love, you know the feelings you get when in the "dating-stage". After about 6 months we moved in together. Everything felt so right, we both felt we were "meant for each other". We got married in June 2001. We had a "good" marriage, at least it seemed like it was. But then life became a routine. We both have jobs. She works in our hometown, I work in another city. I came home from work late most of the time. I guess we got into this routine (work, travelling to/from work, too tired etc) and our lives became quite "boring".
My wife was not satisfied with a life like this and neither was I, but it's hard to break the routine, so we kept on going on for this for a while. Little did I realise then that this led to disaster. I already mentioned that I was under the impression that we had a "good" marriage. Mainly because I felt comfortable and my wife never clearly told me that she was getting unhappy. I do NOT make EXCUSES for not seeing my wife's unhappiness, maybe I should have listened to her more or picked up the signs, or maybe she should have just plain told me that something was wrong.
Anyhow, her feelings for me began to change, but she did not tell me and I thought she still loved me as her husband. Then she started an EA with a male co-worker. This was in Dec 2003. I was suspection something, because she sometimes talked about OM and how nice he was to her friends, but I did not thing much of it (I trusted my wife with my live...then...). Then I found out she had an extra cell-phone just to have contact with OM. I found this cell-phone in her purse one night after I got very suspicious when I caught her making a call with it.
I ran through the phonelist and she had hidden his number under a female-name (so I would not discover that she made calls/got calls to/from OM). I confronted her with this that same night. Of course I was enraged at that moment. She was shocked and confessed she had an EA with the co-worker. She told me it was just an EA, no PA. She could really talk with him about her feelings and he talked to her about his feelings etc. She felt like they really connected on an emotional level. She did not tell me that she had fallen in love with this OM then and she agreed to end the EA with OM. She told me she was afraid to tell me about EA, because I would get upset... She was right... What hurt me most was the lying, but WS usually don't realize this. She went to stay in a hotel with my sister (who happens to be her best friend) for a couple of days to "sort her mind out". Then she came back home and told me I was the one she wanted to be with and that she would end the EA. I believed her. I was so angry and disappointed to get betrayed by the person I trusted the MOST in this world.
After about 2 and a halve weeks she had a all-girl-night with some female co-workers. I offered to drop her off and pick her up, but she refused and told me she would travel by train (trains are normal public transport here in Holland) with one of the other female co-workers. She even baked a cake at home to bring to the party. She told me it was gonna get late, because they would watch "girl-movies". The she called me at 3AM to tell that she had got a ride back home with a female co-worker and that they had got involved in a car accident. The car was wrecked and they were at the salvage filling out the insurance forms. I offered to pick them up, but she refused and said they would call a cab. When she arrived home, she told me about the car-accident and she lied to me in detail how the female co-worker was in shock when it happened etc.
The next morning she got out of bed early and went outside to make a phonecall on her regular cell-phone. She was under the impression that I was still asleep.
After about 1 and a halve week I discovered that she was actually in the car-accident with the same OM. She had visited his website and left a message on the site referring to the car being wrecked. So that night I confronted her with this. She confessed. I asked her why she decided to meet him and she told me she had to talk to him about ending their EA. I asked here if there was any physical contact involved and she denied (at that moment that seemed important for me to know). I asked her why she was still seeing OM and then she said something that caused the MOST pain I've EVER felt in my life: she said that she was in love with OM. She told me how she was unhappy in our marriage. That I almost never shared my emotions with her, how we had so little conversation, how our marriage had gotten so boring, how I did not contribute enough on domestic support, how I didn't make her feel desired by me etc. That's when I realized we had to do something to change this.
The next day she went to a hotel again to "sort things out" for a couple of days. Again she came back and told me she wanted to be with me and that she was willing to work on saving our marriage.
After a couple of weeks I discovered that she had called OM all this time on a nearly daily bases. I found out by running through the cell-phone bills. (She does not know I have access to the cell-phone bills, the cell-phone is on my name) She even called him while staying in the hotel. She also called him from our home-phone, his number was under the redial. I asked her about this and she said she didn't know why she still had contact with OM. She said her feelings for him were very strong and talking to him makes her feel good when she feels down. We then agreed to have MC. The next day she talked to the counselor at her work and that counselor advised her to take some time on her own to sort her mind out and to go to MC after that. Again she called OM while staying in the hotel. She has denied this to me. I haven't told her yet that I know this, as I do not want to upset her and also I do not want her to know that I actually have access to all her cell-phone records.
I love my wife very very much and want nothing more than to save our marriage.
We now had 2 sessions of MC. Please remember: we are from Holland. Our MC is not based on the MB/Harley principles (at least not literally). I will tell some more about our MC and progress/no progress, but I'll end this post as it is already quite long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . But boy, am I glad to have found a place where I can share... Feel free to ask for more info. Thanks people.
