I'm not nearly as qualified to write this post as some of the OW out there, but I have not seen that anyone else did this, so I figured I'd outta do it. After all, I think all my friends here who are the BS should know as much as possible how the enemy thinks and what goes on beind enemy lines.

These are some of the things OW did or tried to do to destroy my M.

For starters OW never had a bad thing to say about my W except that she was amazed that my W did not want to have sex more. She couldn't say too much anyway. All she knew is what I told her. I could have said W had wooden legs and OW would have had no choice but to believe me.

OW came on strong with sex and kissing and attention. She knew I had always been with virgins before so she made up for this by telling me that the things she and I did, she had never done before (true? Not true? I don't know)

She knew my W was always quiet in bed, and OW sometimes seemed to be going out of her way to scream and moan. Yes, it was great for my ego, but sometimes I just did not buy it.

She called me constantly and got me into the habit and routine of talking to her throughout the day and night.

Based on my own experience and what I have learned here, oral sex seems to be a big part of A. It's quick. It's easy.

She knew my sex life sucked so she told me I could have sex with her anytime. She told me when "we're married" I can wake her up any time to have sex.

She used to tell me how great our lives would be together. She constantly told me how much FUN life would be. She always looked into my eyes and held my hand and told me the things I wanted to hear.

She then started asking me to tell my W. Funny thing is, her advice was the same as the WS here. She would tell me, "You need to tell her. The longer this goes on, the more of a fool she is going to feel like when she finally does find out." She tried to make me feel guilty about the A, but she was confident enough in the hooks she had in me to assume I was going to choose her if and when the A was revealed to W.

She then kicked into another gear and went into an interesting strategy. She told me she was going to withhold sex from me UNTIL I told W!!!

I need hardly add that this did not last too long.

OW never asked me for $. She never asked me for anything that might be any kind of burden on me (i.e. run errands, etc) She went out of her way to make sure our time together was always FANTASY TIME. Reality played no part. Our times together were always a "date" with no real life distractions or obligations.

Considering the fact that my OW told her H about A almost immediately and tried to get a divorce and moved out of the master bedroom leads me to believe she really did love me. She then told me all the time to look at what she was doing for me, how she was willing to change her whole life for me. She tried to make me feel GUILTY about the fact that I was leaving her hanging until I made a decision about telling W.

She used sex, she used love, she used attention and affecton in any way she could to get me to leave W. As we all know, none of those things worked, and now I am suffering the consequences. But I wonder what other things OW have promised WH.

I wonder what sorts of things OM promose WW to get them to leave their H. Maybe the promise of a better life, financial stability, etc?

Has anyone ever seen any kind of statistics of how many H leave their W for OW vs. how many W leave their H for OM?

Anyway, those are some of the things OW did to try to get me to leave W. She asked me to do it all the time. She used to tell me she would even wait for me, no matter how long it took. It made me feel terribly guilty. She knew what she was doing, but she honestly wanted to know these things. She wanted to know when it would be "her time."

In the end, of course, I realized my time belonged to my W.

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

I have seen varying statistics over the years but roughly 95% of affairs end, and of the sparse few that do their spouses for marriage, 85% of those marriages fail. So, by far, most affairs end without the adulterer ending leaving their marriage.

sheesh, the new signature line is a bit ....over the top, wouldn't ya say?

You know you are pretty focused on the OW>....

and don't get me wrong...it is appreciated...

BUT...

when are you gonna focus more on the home front...and the issues of what's broken at home?

AND
what you are changing to fix things??

enquiring minds are very intrusive things....

So,WK, you are going to confess to your wife in 10 days?

Just exactly what gave you the courage and the strength to break it off with the OW since you were having the great sex you just described?

Is she now involved with someone else, perhaps a free man that she can have a REAL LIFE with?

And I think Ark is on to something, perhaps you should start a thread on how you are going to make your WIFE, your number one lady!

On one of your previous threads you mentioned you have considered having another affair!
Why? Why with a different OW and not the OW you have been involved with? What really happened?

Sincerely, Julie

How much of that was 'plotting' and how much of it was just behaviour that was in keeping with the nature of the relationship?

dewt

Come now, everyone. Give me a break, ok? I will ask for advice next week on how to tell W of A. I'm out of town right now. This might be my last week of "normalcy" for a long time.

Oh, and I am not focused on OW anymore. I am not even venting. And no, I would not really have another A. That was a silly thing for me to write. I jsut mentioned that the THOUGHT zoomed past my head a few times here and there.

The reason for this post was to show what I went through. The FOG is terrible. Withdrawel is terrible. And breaking up with the OW is not always the easiest thing in the world to do; especially when SHE is convinced SHE is the one for you ... and you want to believe her.

There are no easy reasons for why things like this happen, and no easy answers on how to fix things.

Even though OW loved me and wanted to be with me, I have no doubt that she sat around "plotting" her strategy on how to hold on to me and break up my M.

Signature line is a bit over the top, huh? Ah, what the heck? It's not changing anyone's minds anyway. How many of you will be out eating a steak tonight? I'll be having a veggie burger. Yum!

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whiteknight:
<strong>

Signature line is a bit over the top, huh? Ah, what the heck? It's not changing anyone's minds anyway. How many of you will be out eating a steak tonight? I'll be having a veggie burger. Yum! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize that you enjoy shocking people, but this is hardly the right audience to get your jollies on.

Its a very offensive cheap shot, which you well know, to be called a MURDERER for eating a steak and I would appreciate it if you would find a more suitable target audience for your jollies.

The people who come here are in deep despair and hardly need to be told they are a murderer so you can get a cheap thrill.

I, for one, appreciate reading all these things that ow might have been saying to my WH.

It is very sad, on one hand, and extremely upsetting on another, to believe anyone, ANYONE could actually believe all that stuff OP doles out......

I mean, WHY does a WS believe this person - OP - is a better lover, more interested, more IN LOVE w/WS than BS and WS were when they first fell in love?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

And WHAT makes op believe their "LOVE" won't fall victim to the normalcy, the doldrums of everyday life...........

NOT TO MENTION (I'm on a roll, now!!) WITHHOLDING SEX IS SOMETIMES THE VERY THING THAT GOT A LOT OF M'S IN THIS STATE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! And if so, that's the time WS should run - as fast as possible OUT of vicinity of OP realizing that the condition they would soon be in, would be no different that the condition of the M that led to the A in the first place!!! (Unmet EN's)

Talk about being in a fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks, WK, I am learning a lot. I'm sorry if this is painful for you, but in the end, if it makes your M a much better place than it's ever been before, then the pain of dissecting it and rebuilding it would have been worth it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OK, I've got about 10 days before I tell W about A, so I've got some time to kill.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly how is this post supposed to help anyone? And, please, I really am not looking for a response. It just appears to me that you're enjoying the attention your posts are getting and your ego is getting stroked...kind of like your A, huh? Remember the story about the boy who cried wolf? Good thing the people on this site don't discriminate or you wouldn't be getting any responses should you ever find the courage to tell your W about your A.

I am on these boards to seek guidance. To look for support from others who have or who are in my situation. To discover things about myself that will allow me to bring more to my M and to share the things I read with my H in hopes to improve our M and never relive the past year or so of our lives. I am not here to read 'soft core porn'...and thank you for the warning. I am not here to read about what your OW did with her fingers/vibrator or to learn about how you taste.

IMO, this post is far over the edge of what is appropriate. People are hurting on this site. They are desperately searching for help. Imagine coming onto this site and this is the first post you read. Would you come back?

You've got some of the best advice givers on this site posting to you and this is what you come up with to post about while you've got '10 days to kill'. I'm with MelodyLane and so to repeat her fine words:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I realize that you enjoy shocking people, but this is hardly the right audience to get your jollies on.

Its a very offensive cheap shot, which you well know, to be called a MURDERER for eating a steak and I would appreciate it if you would find a more suitable target audience for your jollies.

The people who come here are in deep despair and hardly need to be told they are a murderer so you can get a cheap thrill.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

This post taught me only one thing ,,

All that I thought to be true of the OW all along ...

Lieing, manipulating , Ho, who is a selfish ,and played with fire and knew that they would do anything not to look like an A$$ by getting involved with a MP to begin with so they want to get that person to leave there spouse so they can say they wern't just a worthless HO who did something wrong .BECAUSE they became THE ONE !
And they really really where the SOULMATE the LOVE of the LIFE that has been MEANT for that person all along blah blah blah!


OK sorry just my veiw of this OW I read about and my H's XOW ..

I am sure there are cases that , there are people who where manipulated so much by the ws that they honestly IN THE BEGINIG they had no IDEA ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

BUT as time goes on every one knows what they are in and what game they are palying and that they are hurting other inosent people (BS) BY CHOICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok I am done !

Good grief WK, we all know how to have sex. I do more exciting things with my H than you're talking about here. That's why I asked your age before - you come across as very young. Sex with OM was very average - he was a bit of a prude really and I used to tone things down.

You're right you're not an OW. It goes MUCH DEEPER than sex.

Jenny

Signature lines---

Enabled for posters to-
1. Give a BRIEF relationship timeline
2. Supply a meanful quote
3. Provide helpful links

They are not meant to promote or solicite a personal agenda that has nothing to do with marriage building.

Also, out of respect for the very raw and painful feelings of the newly betrayed and the many posters having sexual addiction problems, please refrain from any future "soft porn" posts.

Any questions or comments, feel free to email me.

WhiteKnight -
Okay, I had to bite on this one. My WH's OW sounds just like yours. She tells him to "follow his heart". and she will wait for him forever. Unfortunately, she has had an affair before. I found out from her BH. Of course, she denies this.

She also says he is GREAT in bed - not true - but I overlooked that because I love him. He's a little bit below average in that department.

Mainly I think she likes his "bad boy" look - long hair and a Harley.

She has promised him that she will never leave him. Of course she promised her BH and daughter that too, and has left them both.

So really they are both just living out their little fantasy. Just because someone is manipulative and tells you something, does not make it true.

Thanks JustUss. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am sorry that my posts sometimes freak people out, but I am doing what I can to share what I know in hopes that it will help other people. To date, quite a # of people have appreciated some of what I have revealed.

Since I have been here, I have never claimed that my story or situation is unique, but if no one talks about it, how is anyone to know?

You see, I would have come out of my FOG quicker if I knew how unoriginal my situation was. I thought I had someone special, and our situation was 1 in a million, etc, and I did not want to let it go. Now I know better. I have matured.

"To date, quite a # of people have appreciated some of what I have revealed."

I have no doubt that some may have appreciated your brutal honesty describing your EMR. As I also have no doubt that many read those same posts with tears in their eyes and wounds reopening. NO problem with voicing your feelings and thoughts, but a blow by blow (no pun intended <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) account of the sexual aspects isn't necessary. We are adults and know what happens in any given sexual situation. It merely reopens painful wounds and adds to the imagery that so many here have REAL difficulty escaping.

I have an idea for you. During the next ten days before you tell your W how about doing a search on Dday..to find out what YOU can do to help her deal with the EMR. Use the 10 days to investigate how you can ease her pain, help her to understand, what you can do to assure her of your remorse and your willingness to open your life to her. Instead of bringing up the past and reliving those days, how about looking at repairing the damage and building a new future?

Agree with Nerly. No one needs a blow by blow of sexual relations that are about as romantic as 2 pigs rutting in the pigsty. No one in their right mind would aspire to such behavior nor is it any help to anyone. The idea can be just as easily conveyed without going into gory detail.

WK,

I'm lazy and don't feel like looking for it--why are you waiting 10 days to tell your W?

I edited the posts and took all the yucky stuff out.

I am waiting 10 days because I am away from home on a business trip. I can't imagine telling W over the phone or via e-mail.