This morning my H and I were online talking,( H is deployed to Iraq), about a month ago I had expressed some things I was having a hard time with, mainly felt vulnerable, afraid of getting involved in an affair due to being so lonely, etc...
Well this morning we were talking and he asked me if I had ever acted upon my thought of having an affair. I about fell out of my chair. Add to that the fact that he was watching my face on the webcam, I froze. I knew that I could either lie and say no, or fess up and face the consequences. I must have sat there paralyzed for a few minutes. I know he could read it on my face. I typed... "kind of".
He asked what that meant, and I told him I met a man online in achat room, I wasn't out looking for anyone, no personal ads or anything like that...etcc..
I had to turn the cam of because I couldn't even stand the thought of him looking at me... I was so ashamed of myslef, my sin. He asked if he knew I was married. I said yes. He asked if we had "cybered", and I again hesitated but told the truth. I todl him we had talked on the phone...etc.
he didn't want alot of details about him, just what had gone on between us. Asked if we had met, we hadn't. He wanted to know what I think would have happened if we had, and I told him I thought it would become a PA.
He said he wasn't mad. I told him it was ok to be mad, I deserve for him to be mad at me. He just said " M, I love you, and you don't need my anger and hurt shoved in your face. I can take that to God and work on that with Him. It is not going to help you for me to go on and on with my hurt and pain... you need forgiveness from me, and that is what I am giving you. I am not without sin. I love you and I forgive you. Period. This is not going to break us up. This deployment was either going to make us or break us, and I can tell you right now, it isn't going to ruin our marraige. I am going to fight for us."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. He has changed so much. God has transformed my H before my eyes. Based on past experiences, i anticipated a fight, at least a ranting of how much I had hurt him, how he was "never good enough for me"... at least a pity party of sorts... and then to push me away, again.
Instead the opposite happened. He opened up. He shared with me his struggles with immorality, he too had ventured into chat rooms and met women, never building a relationship with one, but enjoying the "high" you get from the attention. He told me he has asked God to do whatever it took in his life to change him, to get him to stop looking at porn and hurting himself and me in that way. And he said this was God's answer. Not that what I did was justifed. Not at all. But he felt that God was using my failure, my betrayal to knock him upside the head.
He blames himself, his mistreatment of me, of our R, for what I have done. He knows I played a huge part in it, but he feels he pushed me away and helped push me into another man's waiting arms ( not literally as we never met).
I didn't even know what to say. I am still in shock. He wanted me to talk to a friend here, for accountability, someone to talk to while he is gone. I called my best friend this morning and told her. She was shocked but still responded in love and forgiveness. We are getting together this evening to talk and pray.

I am amazed at my H's love for me, of His love for God flowing out to me in grace and forgiveness. I am so undeserving.
I still know withdrawl is going to suck. It does. It's hard. Even with H's love and forgiveness. I deleted all chat id's that OM knew about, and my email account that we used. I still know his, so potentially I would have to be the one to make contact... but right now I am so broken I can't imagine hurting my H again by reestablishing contact. Although I know that in the coming days I will be tempted as I get lonely again and grieve the loss of OM.
Thanks to all fo ryour prayers... I have been reading Lisa103 and chackler's posts... I feel what you feel! Feel free to post to me, nice to know other WW out there going thru similar things.

Good for you. You are very strong, even though you can't see that right now. Please stick with us and we will help you through it.

Also see if your husband will post here. We can help him too.

HUGS from California.

Wow - good for you!!!!

I was so amazed at my hubby's reaction too. Of course he was angry, of course he cried but through it all he never stopped telling me that he loved me. Can you believe it??? Sometimes we don't know how blessed we are until we screw up and almost lose that blessing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Lets make a pact shall we - we'll get through this together. We have great hubby's and the support of people on this board. Knowing that I am not the only one going through this is comforting to me. When I have the urge to contact OM, even though I can't, I come here and it makes things better, even if it's just for a bit. Each day will get better, gotta keep thinking that...

God bless,
Carol

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: chackler ]</small>

How I wish my H had had the courage and self-respect to be honest with me! Good for you

You did the right thing in letting your husband know about your EA. You may want to consider letting the OM's wife know about her husband's actions as well. You were probably not the first woman he attempted to pick-up in a chat room and you certainly will not be the last. If he is, or has, been involved in other affairs then he is putting his wife's health at risk. Don't allow him to continue this behavior and break up other marriages. I would suggest calling his wife, letting her know your situation and what happened, and ask her to forgive you. The OM will run to the hills when his affair is brought out into the light of day so to speak. Your husband's comments clearly indicate that God is working on your husband and trying his best to keep you from entering a PA with the OM. You know right from wrong, simply follow your instincts. Do not contact the OM for any reason, as nothing positive can come from continued contact. Please listen to all of us that have taken the time to help keep you out of a pit that you do not want to fall in to!

Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dewt

congrats medicswife. you did good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

medicswife...I am so proud of you for being open and honest with your H. I'm sure that your h's situation with being deployed and all has changed him in many ways. He has a lot of time to think about himself and the state of his own life and actions. He is taking responsibility for the wrongs that he has committed as well. This is awesome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When you read my posts, please don't let them discourage you. My roller coaster ride still continues from time to time because I still work with the OM. Right now, I have no choice but I ask you to join with me in prayer that God will open a door. I don't believe that it's meant for me to have to endure this day after day in order to heal nor is it meant for my H to have to worry about the fact that I still have to work with OM every day.

Congratulations medicswife for taking a stand in saving your marriage. I am very proud of you.