Just wandering how long WH goes without mentioning A again after initial conversations. My WH will not discuss it unless I bring it up. There are still things I want to know. How do I do this without LBing? WH says it was just an EA, but there are hotel bills that shouldn't be and I really am worried. Especially since he has never moved out, in fact I don't think he wants to leave at all. He still wants to be intimate sometimes. I don't know for sure if there has been any phone contact in the last week, but I know that he has been where he should all week. Any suggestions?

hurt, asking him questions is not a lovebuster. The purpose of this program is not to appease the WS at all costs, but to end the affair and restore the marriage. You need to start being direct and firm in this and ask him to send a no contact letter NOW. And in order to restore trust he needs to answer all your questions and tell you the truth.

Additionally, he should open his life up to you by giving you passwords, etc and calling you through out the day so you are assured of his whereabouts.

What is his plan to restore your marriage from this damage?

Don't wait for him to bring it up, tell him what you need to recover.

I don't think he has a plan to recover. I suggested counseling-he said no. I try to have discussions about the EA--he has no response. He does say that things will just take a while. He gets angry when I want to discuss things and starts saying that I just keep bringing this up and turning his family against him. As well as using the kids to make him hurt. I did use the kids as a tool when I first found out, but have not since. I think his plan is to forget the whole thing, but I don't think that will work.

ok hurt, you need to be talking to him about this and asking these questions. You have every right to know. Plan A does not mean you put your head in the sand and pretend an affair is not going on. You should continue to snoop and confront him at every turn with what you have without giving away your source.

In short, you should be doing everything you can to end this affair. Expose, expose, expose. Don't sit idly by and shut up to assuage him, that only enables him.

Keep exposing the affair to everyone just like you have. Who is this OW? Is she married? Does she live with her parents? Where does she work?

Was he unhappy in your marriage before this all started? What kind of relationship did you have? Did this get started because of some unmet needs of his?

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody,
I thought we had a pretty good M, but as I look back the last year has been tough. I work first shift and he works seconds. This works out great for child care, but sucks for a marriage. He started a class that took even more time away and I became very angry. I started to push him away because my needs for affection were not being met. I am sure this began as an EA because he needed someone to talk to more and I wasn't there enough. I teach and care for own two sons and by the time he got home I was usuallly asleep.
She was having trouble with her marriage and started to discuss this with my H at work. He listened and even gave her advice. I knew about this and warned him that this could turn bad he needed to stop. His response was that she was his friend and he would not stop listening to her. That was in Sept. She filed for D in Dec. Now I am in the middle of this whole thing in which he admits he has feelings for her. He swears it was never a PA, but there are hotel bills on our credit card for nights that he came in very early next morning. I want to tallk about this with him, but everytime I do I think he goes back to talking to her. Should I wait a few more days?

hurt, I wouldn't wait to talk to him, he is talking to her anyway. Have you been in contact with her H? He might be of great help to you. You could compare notes and possibly get him here to MB.

I do agree with your idea to do Plan A for another of couple of months, but I would do everything in your power to end this first. Get all the exposing done that needs to be done, ideally in fell swoop so you are dealing with one LB, rather than 5.

I tried talking to her H. We had pleasant conversation, but he is a recovering alcoholic and doesn't really want to know everything I know. I think I know just about all there is to know. I'm great at digging up stuff on the computer! I didn't want to push him back to alcohol so I granted his wish to not tell him stuff about them.

Gotcha! That is good that you explored that option, too bad it didn't pan out!

Well, maybe. It backfired. He asked that I not mention the conversation to my H because he would just cause him trouble as he had done previously apparently. My H is a policeman and so thinks he has the power to intimidate. Well, H found out somehow and told me OW's H asked that I not call him again. I don't know how H found out, but I am almost certain that OW's H did not call him and tell him to tell me not to call him again.

hurt, how did it backfire? Has your H harrassed this man? How has your H caused him trouble in the past?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> I tried talking to her H. We had pleasant conversation, but he is a recovering alcoholic and doesn't really want to know everything I know. I think I know just about all there is to know. I'm great at digging up stuff on the computer! I didn't want to push him back to alcohol so I granted his wish to not tell him stuff about them. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hurt, but could he tell you things that would be helpful? What did he say broke up their relationship? Would it help if he came here and we helped him try and get his wife back?

They had some issues of Alcoholism I think. He wouldn't talk much about it. From what I hear about her she hits on every badge that walks past her. I don't know if that played a part or not. Her sob story to my H was that he was abusive. I do not believe this. I know a few people that know him pretty well and cannot believe he would ever be physically abusive to anyone, much less his wife. I do know that he would like to reconcile with her. That he said he was not just going to roll over and play dead(sign D papers). They have been talking again also. This may be why my H was rather pouty last weekend. I can only hope. Anyway even if this passes. I still think we need some type of counseling to keep this from happening again. Am I right?

Hmmm.

Why would this man send a message back to you through your husband? Or did I misunderstand?

dewt

Well, my point to my H was I don't think OW's H called him. My belief is OW found out her H had talked to me and told my H about it. This upset my H so he tried to make me feel like OW's H had betrayed me--like own H has!! I don't totally buy it, but since OW's H just finished rehab for Alcoholism I don't want to set him off again. So I will not contact him right now.

hurt: As melody said, HE IS TALKING TO OW...don't even question that...he IS talking to her. KNOW THIS.

Follow what Plan A is...Meet as many ENs as your can, AND OUT THE AFFAIR. I would call the OWH back. I would tell him that I respect that he is fighting an alcoholism issue, but that you knew he wanted to try and rebuild the marriage if he could, and you have some tools that MAY just help you BOTH to do that. And then, explain to him about Plan A (maybe even share with him the surviving an Affair book by Steve Harley).) Tell him if you both start putting pressure on the affair, from both sides, both start trying to meet your spouses emotional needs, both out the affiar to everyone that would/could make an impact, and both pursue counseling and reconciliation, that you would have a powerful weapon at your disposal, TWO BSs that know the MB principles, and the A would be SURE TO CRUMBLE before your eyes. If he still declines that, then you can thank him for listening, wish him well, assure him of your comittment never to contact him again, and move on and take the next step in Plan A that you need to (contact their boss, friends, anyone else that could apply pressure and end the A).

I feel passionate about you doing this, and keep saying it, because I made a big mistake in Plan A and did not out it. And now the allure, the intrigue, the fantasy, the mystery and attraction of the A, all of it can stay alive and well, when that would all be LONG DEAD had I done what I was supposed to in A, and that is, out the affair. I didn't because I was doing such a good job in Plan A, that I did not want to rock the boat, piss of WH, or make him angry, because I figured that would be a LB to him. And he expressly asked me not to. And I did not have to run around town and tell everyone in a taunting, vindictive way. But I certainly could have contacted the people I did know, tell them that my WH was having an A with their colleague, OW in India, and that I loved my H very much, and would appreciate their support of our marriage during this difficult time." I SO REGRET THIS. Knowing what I know now, seeing what I see now, I WISH I WOULD HAVE FOLLOWED PLAN A TO THE TEE AND DONE THIS!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> They had some issues of Alcoholism I think. He wouldn't talk much about it. I do know that he would like to reconcile with her. That he said he was not just going to roll over and play dead(sign D papers). They have been talking again also. This may be why my H was rather pouty last weekend. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you need counseling, but first things first. You will have no need of counseling unless you break up this party your H is having.

I would only ask that you call this man back and HELP him get his wife back. Tell him about Marriage Builders and that we can help him get her back if he just plays his cards right. There are certain things he could be doing that would be helpful in ending the affair and there are huge mistakes he could make which send her right back into your H's arms.

Tell him Marriage Builders has a very good track record of restoring marriages and specializes in affairs.

You could work together behind the scenes anonymously and be a great help to each other. Tell him to run out and get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

Do you have this book?

My H has been very family oriented since his return from the trip and I told him he needed to decide if he wanted OW or family. It is almost like the EA never happened. Should I be worried? I have been checking phones and have no proof that he has talked to her. He has also not been "cold" in bed, but sort of snuggly. I know OW is talking to her H. Maybe she booted my H? I don't know, but I don't want to start feeling too good about this. What do you think? Is it all too good to be true?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> Maybe she booted my H? I don't know, but I don't want to start feeling too good about this. What do you think? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think he should be answering these questions to your satisfaction. You have to know this stuff, hurt, or you will never recover. This is about your life and you have a right to know how or if the affair ended.

You can't ever recover as long as he maintains secrets with the OW about your marriage to which you are not privy. Trust will never be restored until that wall comes down between you and goes up between he and the OW. That won't happen as long he keeps secrets with her.