whoops, nope.

dewt

Ok, I seemed to have missed a post there.

Anyway, it's a detail. What was actually said, those images that haunt us, these are details that carry an emotional impact. They do not define the situation or predict the outcome. In reality I find they distract from the real issues.

If and when my wife and I get into recovery, I will not be asking for those kinds of details. Maybe it's because I'm so jaded that they mean nothing to me or maybe I'm just a little overwhelmed with the bigger picture... like what caused this breakdown in the first place...

dewt (who is also a straight guy)

BHG. I really feel for you. You have been betrayed in the worst way possible. Your H has been lieing to you about his very sexuality.

He swears that the man only gave him a bj....on three separate occasions.

I read this about A`s I suspect it applies to all behaviour.
Once is a learning experience.
Twice is borderline pattern behavior.
Three times IS pattern behavior.

Swears he isn't gay, and that he "doesn't know what's wrong with him".

Isn`t sex with someone of the same sex the very definition of gay? At the very least he is by-sexual.

Says he has no sexual urges to be with a man

Not buying this one. As a straight guy the very thought of sex with a man repulses me. That`s why I`m straight.

and that he loves me. I just don't understand.

He probably does love you. And i`m sure he loves his kids. He suspects that if he tells you the truth about his sexuality you will leave him and take the kids with you. You might ban him from ever seeing his kids. Turn his kids against him.

I've noticed over the last 6 months or so that he has a problem staying aroused with me.

He`s becoming less bi-sexual and more homo-sexual.

He needs porn to get excited.

Ever think that maybe what was getting him excited was looking at the man in the porn and not the woman?

If I didn't have those 2 little boys, I'd kill myself.

Its not your fault. You have no blame at all.

I wanted just anormal life, and there isn't such a thing.

Yes there is. You know what is the problem now. But you are such a good and loyal person. You don`t want to do what you know, deep down must be done.

I know this sounds like someone hurting, but I never never want another relationship in my life. I've had too much pain, and I'm only 36.

I can`t say I could blame you. There are many good men out there that would love to have you. You are only 36 your life has just started.

One thing about me tho', is that after his first affair, and the nasty graphic pictures, I've never felt quite right making love to him. I've always felt kinda like he wanted me to be a porn star. Move here, do this move, do that. Not the passion I need and want.

Might be the only way he can stay excited with a woman.

You'll probably think I'm a putz, but I'd rather be with him, than without him. I'd be so lonely if he was gone. He's not only me best friend, but really my only friend.

No one thinks your a putz. You love him. But he`s not straight. And only you know if you can accept being M to him. I`m sorry if this post was harsh. But you need the truth. You have been lied to for to long.

Take of yourself.

We're here for you. Kepe posting and let us know what's going on. Has he been with this same guy more than once, or different men?

I still think you should not close your mind to the possiblility that this foray into bi-sexuality may be more a symptom than a cause.

dewt

Whiteknight, Dewt, RG and all of you who are here helping me. Thank you!

There are so many questions, I don't know where to start. I was so lonely yesterday, and depressed, and you know why? Because he was working, and I was without him.

We spent the day together, mostly pretending that there isn't anything wrong.

He said that he would see a counselor, get help for whatever is wrong with him, but as I read here in MB, he seems to fit the bill of a "serial" aldultra (sp?).

Anyway, after all I've been thru with him, I just can't believe that I've missed the signs all these years. I grew up with 2 people who are gay. It was always something that I could recognize. I never thought my h had any of the signs.

To answer some questions, I have a well-paying position, and I know my husband would support the children, so I would be okay financially. The problem we have right now is that we are in a financial situation that doesn't really give us the room to move out if one of us wanted to. We could make some major changes, and to be honest, I think that is something that we will do, but it will take sometime to do what we need to do in order to be financially free, probably at least a year.

In the last year, not only have we had this issue, but a number of problems. We both work, and we own a business. My h no longer helps me with anything. I handle all the home bills, and business bills. He is fine with running errands, anything that lets him be free. I think we have too much pressue here, because I know that after what I found out the other night, I just gave up on the worrying, and I don't really care anymore what happens to the business, or even if we end up in bankruptcy. We owe over a $100,000 dollars yet on the business, and have about 25,000 in back taxes owed. Talk about stress. I'm ready to have a heart attack.

He does however find hour upon hour to work on his sports interests. But never an hour, or a minute working on the business stuff.

I have a multitude of problems here, I just don't know where to start.

BG:

Start at the beginning. How did you meet? Why did you marry him? How has the marriage been good, how has it been bad? What else has he done that has freaked you out? How many incidents have there been? How did you find out? Why does he think there is something wrong with him?

My OW was married to a gay man. She was with him for 10 years! She was (is) very pretty and did not want to admit to herself that she was fooled for so long and that she was with someone who never found her attractive, so she lived in denial. She had no frineds, no family, no education, no job, so she was completely dependent upon him. When she met me, she thought I was her "white knight" and that's how my A began.

Even if your H is NOT gay, and is bi-sexual, or just "curious" (whatever the heck in the world THAT means I have no idea, but it's no something you would want in your life anyway) it doens't matter. But you can't keep acting like nothing is wrong when you are with him.

OK, a year to get your finances together. Is that your game plan? Stay friends for a year, and move on, or are you going to go to MC and try to fix things?

Don't feel like you've been fooled, because your H probably did not want to fool you. I am sure he cares about you a grat deal, but he needs therapy to find out WHO he really is and WHAT he wants for his life. But you are here, and we are here for you, and we want you to do what will make you and your children happy.