Wow.

I'm not sure what to say really. This is a huge leap for me. In some ways it frightens me that I may never see or speak to my WW again. But I guess it's necessary.

On Thursday, I went into my house, removed most my things and left the PBL. Apparently she came back early from spring break tonight. I had planned to get the rest of my things tomorrow morning. Her mom called me tonight to see what was going on. (Her mom is our intermediary.) I explained that I loved my wife, but could not allow her to hurt me any more. I think her mom understood some of the things I said, but still tries to justify my WW's action. I understand that from her though. I was very surprised that my WW didn't try to call. I guess she was paying attention to that part.

I guess I'll use this space as a place to vent should anything happen during Plan B. I hope that God has led me to this point, and I hope He gives me the strength to see it through.

Ethan

Prayers to you. Stay strong! Don't give in or give up like I did. It hurts too much. Stick it out and read the success stories on here. (Or read the failures like mine, and know why you must stay in Plan B.)

LL

Stregnth to you.

dewt

Be sure to visit us at "we're in Plan B and doing fine."

Ethan,

Please visit us on our Plan B thread. The more the merrier. We laugh, cry and just vent all together. It is a wonderful place to be after the first three weeks. It seems okay in the beginning and then it gets hard, and then it just becomes life. If you do screw up and see her, it starts all over again. Take it from experience right here. One week of seeing him for home stuff and I am right back to the hurting process. So make sure you don't even get a glimpse of her by accident. Just move along through life. And no matter what you might think, or wonder she is thinking about you even if it is only once in a while. I have asked WS and they have all said they thought about the BS. I even asked my own WH and he said yes. That is the first question that pops into everyones head as soon as the Plan B starts. You want it that way, but then when they don't contact you you wonder if they think about you. They do! That is all I can say. You asked for no contact so if she doesn't don't take it personally it is what you asked for. But she will still not forget about you. So don't wonder like the rest of us did for weeks on endd. Good Luck to you and stick with it.

Before long you will be in a place that you wish you had been in for a while now. The land of Gate B, where the pain stops when you enter the gate. It is a great place to be once your in the gate for a while. Take care and post to us on our Plan B thread, we are here for you anytime of the day or night.

HINY

I am in my 10th week of plan B...i am happy to hear you are joining the band wagon.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> tie your seatbelt really really hard or you might fall off... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Nobody can beat Believer's record of falling off the wagon yet... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ethan, just hang in there. It will be hard the first few weeks, but once you get through that, it won't be so tough. Just remember, there comes a point when Plan B is your ONLY hope. While its no guarantee, at the very least you will end up detached and in much better to move on if you HAVE to.

I do find it unsettling and sickening that her mother defends her. She is OUT OF LINE! As a mother of a 22 yr old male, if my boy acted like a scab, I sure wouldn't be taking up for him. He would have my foot in his [censored]!

Just come here and vent to us when it gets tough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ethan good luck stick to it. It's almost been a week for me and I'm doing good. If you need support to the thread believer suggested we hang out there and vent and see how each of us are doing in our Plan B. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do.

Ethan,

Buddy...I have been following, mostly lurking (he he, I love that term, sounds so dark and mysterious) on your posts. You are ready for this. You did a sound plan a, you were not rash to move into plan b, you planned it out well, you were very rational in your approach. So be comforted in knowing this is just another tactic to try and save YOU and maybe hopefully your marriage.

Join the Plan B thread everyone is talking about (started by Tinman). It has been an immense help to me...and we kinda have fun with it, if you can believe that.

And LL offered to share herself as a case study for WHY you stay on Plan B and DO NOT CONTACT YOUR SPOUSE, EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. Well, I too can share that. I came out of Plan B to initiate contact several times, and it so deeply, deeply, deeply hurt me, I can not even articulate it. Hurt me worse than D-day. He said the most hurtful, poisonous, evil things, that it may have just done some irreparable damage to our marriage. To me, because it hurt me on a level that I had never ever been hurt. Honesly, at this point, I do not know if I can take him back and survive a recovery. I mean, if you do not preserve the love you have for your wife, and you allow her access to deeply hurt you again, will you be able to suffer a painful recovery (like CV55's posts detail)? Contact while I was supposed to be in Plan B also did damage to my WH, because he can start to "convince" himself of some of the legitimizations for his A and start to believe them. It gave him a chance to voice this "research" he had found on A's (something he did in response to my gentle suggestion to get on this site and learn about his side of the A triangle). He told me that he comitted the type of an A that is called the "escape A" where he was really done with the marriage, and instead of just leaving, he committed this incredibly damaging act to sabatoge the marriage, and force me to leave. So I responded, if that is the case, why does he tell me every time if I ask if he wants a divorce, no. And if it was just about escaping me, which, I guess by all counts he has, since he lives on his own, I am in a half [censored] plan b not really contacting him, is he still with the OW. He got frustrated by my ?'s. But it was one of those things, where you think of a lie, tell yourself the lie, tell others the lie, find reading material that supports the lie, and eventually forget that it was a lie, because to you, it now sounds true. And giving him that contact while I was supposed to be in Plan B, just gave him one more venue to share the lie, and start to believe the lie. And I obviously reacted to his painful words, crying, and trying to reason with him, which most likely just pushed him away.

We should all stick together. And maybe, one day, we will all have healed marriages, or at the very least, healed lives on our own, or in new HEALTHY relationships, and think back on the special friendships we had on this board! :-)

zizzy-

Yes, I have the record for falling off the wagon, but at least I didn't fall into bed with him. You are still the queen of what not to do in Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh Zizzy,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think Believer got you on that one for sure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We must never do that again ey?

HINY

Thanks to all for your support. I feel like I am truly prepared for this step. I have shown my WW that our marriage is a place free of anger, judgement and disrepect. She has chosen to not acknowledge that, and continue to hurt me. I have defined my boundaries and simply will not let her back in, if she can't stay within them. It is too painful to have her around when she doesn't respect them.

ML,
I think her mom "defends" her in a mother/daughter kind of way. Her mom has been married three times. 1st was an abusive/alcoholic type. 2nd H I knew, and he was an idiot. She finally married a really great man. I think my wife may have seen her mom leave her marriage and find happiness. One of the MB principles is don't be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. I think my WW may soon see that I was never the cause of her unhappiness, and I think that she'll see that I loved her unconditionally. Who knows. I still believe in my heart that my WW will see all this one day. I also believe that day won't come before the end of my M.

But I will hang in there. Thanks for the support.

Ethan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> zizzy-

Yes, I have the record for falling off the wagon, but at least I didn't fall into bed with him. You are still the queen of what not to do in Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sorry, you guys, but neither of you are even close to the biggest Plan B backsliders!!

hey furnitureman been thinking about you for this past weekend since it was when your W was supposed to come back to town. we are all human and if something happens in plan B, whehter it is accidental or not just pick yourself up and start over the next day. because if we could change the things that happened in the past then none of us would be here in the first place. stay busy, prayers to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her mom called me tonight to see what was going on. (Her mom is our intermediary.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm pretty sure you're saying her mom called to see "what was going on" like "how things were going", right?

You haven't picked MIL as an intermediary without MIL knowing about the A, and what plan B is, and why you're doing plan B, and that she's the intermediary, and what's expected of her, have you?

turtlehead,

MIL knows about the A.
MIL has a basic understanding of Plan B. I will be sitting down with MIL/FIL tonight to review my PBL with them.
I have already told her (MIL) what I expect of her. I will keep my contact (after tonight when I explain that I still love my WW) to financial matters.
Any pointers for the MIL/FIL discussion?

Plan B is hard. Not because of me wanting to talk to my WW, it's just kind of sad. Blah.....


Ethan

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Ethan, I give you a lot of credit and I wish you success. Obviously you are going to get more sympathy from FIL than MIL. Here are my suggestions;

try not to be emotional. you want to look resolved not weak. Your demeaner should mirror your PBL.

make it clear that you harbour no ill will towards your wife no matter what the outcome.

I think you mainly want to demonstrate that you are rock solid in your Plan B. That this is not going to be tried until the next idea comes along. It is the final attempt to fix your M.

Good luck.

continued thoughts and prayers for you. stay the course, you're in a marathon not a sprint, do what you can to finish the race. you have made the decision that the PBL is what you needed to do and all us BS want to do the one thing that is needed in order to save our M. I know that's not always the goal or the case w/plan B but you've done and feel secure in knowing you didn't do things in haste and that you will be able to look back and say you did all that you could.