I read awhile ago about the 180 degree principle but now can't find it. Can anyone direct me to it?

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

What if they ask you for a favor? Below are some things I have done recently for my wife who has filed for D. In every case below, she asked me to do these things, and I did them. I should also mention that we are still under one roof, but our house is on the market; D is final end of May; we will physically separate on sale of house.

The favors were as follows:
Get her a cup of coffee or a warm-up.
Get her ice cream while I am getting some for my daughter as well.
Help her print out invitations for a shower. We did this together, but I did most of it.
Type her resume for her since she is having to get a full-time job.

I have also gotten flowers (for the house), washed her car, and given her compliments. Today I am changing the brake pads on her car. Still living together, I struggle between plan A and B. I have other posts as well.

Thanks,
Jody

Jody,

This is hard. I can totally relate. When I found out about the A and proceeded to be in Plan A for 6+ months, I would clean, cook, nuture, prepare breakfast in bed, go to starbucks for Cafe Mocha's on a lazy Saturday morning, get him the paper, clean out his car, etc. After a time, I didn't really resent it anymore. I was serving my husband, as God calls us all to serve our neighbor, so I considered it actions done unto God, not my lying, cheating, cake eating, emotionally abusive, wavering, waffeling, fog laden wayward husband (yeah...no resentment there....ha). Ultimately, I wanted to be sure and imprint that lasting impression that the kind of life he could have here with me would be kind, peaceful, thoughtful and loving. And while I know he still believes he can have that, if not more, with her, I know eventually the shine will wear off.

If you are spiritual, read Eccesiastes Chapter 2-3. It is King Solomon's account of his life. He talks about how he pursued every single thing his heart desired, paying no heed to God's commands for his life, no thought of having a personal relationship with Him, and how, in the end, all he was left with was pain and grief, he literally describes it as smoke and mirrors, as futile an attempt at mastering life as spitting in the wind.

Then, read Proverbs 5 (I quoted it from The Message translation, my favorite, and added some of my own commentary between the brackets []):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1 Dear friend, pay close attention to this, my wisdom; listen very closely to the way I see it. 2 Then you'll acquire a taste for good sense; what I tell you will keep you out of trouble.

3 The lips of a seductive woman/man are oh so sweet,[some translations say dripping with honey] her/his soft words are oh so smooth [some translations say their speech is smoother than oil...they are SLICK]. 4 But it won't be long before she's/he's gravel in your mouth, [some translations say as bitter as gall, or a sore in your mouth] a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart. [or as sharp as a two edged sword]
5 She's/he's dancing down the primrose path to Death; headed straight for Hell and taking you with her/him.6 She/he hasn't a clue about Real Life, about who she/he is or where she's/he's going.

7 So, my friend, listen closely;don't treat my words casually. 8 Keep your distance from such a woman/man; absolutely stay out of her/his neighborhood. 9 You don't want to squander your wonderful life, to waste your precious life among the hardhearted. 10 Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you? Why be exploited by those who care nothing for you?
11 You don't want to end your life full of regrets, nothing but sin and bones, 12Saying, "Oh, why didn't I do what they told me?
Why did I reject a disciplined life? 13 Why didn't I listen to my mentors, or take my teachers seriously?14 My life is ruined!
I haven't one blessed thing to show for my life!"

15 Do you know the saying, "Drink from your own rain barrel, draw water from your own spring-fed well"? 16 It's true. Otherwise, you may one day come home and find your barrel empty and your well polluted. [in other words, the BS outta here, and your family, your children, your life, DESTROYED]

17 Your spring water is for you and you only,
not to be passed around among strangers.18 Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the husband/wife you married as a young woman/man
19 Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose--
don't ever quit taking delight in his/her body.
Never take her/him love for granted! 20 Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore? for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?

21 Mark well that GOD doesn't miss a move you make; He's aware of every step you take.
22 The shadow of your sin will overtake you;
you'll find yourself stumbling all over yourself in the dark. 23 Death is the reward of an undisciplined life; your foolish decisions trap you in a dead end. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It spoke to me, because I know my husband is pursing a life right now in the moment. Like King Solomon, he is doing whatever he wants, whatever FEELS good, not taking a second to evaluate what is right, what will best serve his wife, his family, or even himself, LONG TERM. That is the fog...the BLINDERS that they have to keep them from seeing the death and destruction they are headed to. Death of their marriages, destruction of their lives, etc.

Look, it may be hard in the moment to serve your wife. I am not saying it isn't. It was SOOOOOOOOO difficult for me. I knew full well that I was giving him the love, honor, and respect that I would want to give anyone as their loving wife, and he did not DESERVE one single spec of it. He did NOTHING for me. He would go into the kitchen and pour only himself a drink. He would eat up the breakfast or the coffee I would make him, without any reciprocity displayed toward me, and sometimes, without even a word of thanks.

Sometimes I felt like it was an utter living hell...BUT I HELD ON. Because I knew, when the day was done, if my H continued to make the poor, poor choices he was making, he would be the one left with nothing. HE WOULD BE THE ONE, QUITE LITERALLY, LIVING IN HELL.

Why? Because:

* It is him, not me, that will have to come to terms with forsaking his faith

* It is him, not me, that will have to one day realize the utter pain and betrayal he heaped on me, our extended family, and worse, our beautiful children

* It is him, not me, that will one day have to realize that he made choices that cost him everything, and gained him NOTHING..."fading smoke, as futile as spitting in the wind"

* * It is him, not me, that will have to come to terms with the fact that he REALLY didn't do everything to preserve our marriage (like he likes to try and convince me now of, saying he was tired and done, had tried everything, and gave up then met the OW...by the way, he NEVER, EVER, EVER expressed any unhappiness during the course of our marriage, would tell me he was in love with me everyday, etc).

* It is him, not me, that will have to one day come to terms with the fact that it was not me or this marriage making him unhappy, but the demons inside himself that he was always too cowardly to exorcise

So hold your head high. You are doing the work. You are living an upright life. You are giving of yourself in love and honor toward your wife. You are trying to rebuild and repair something that is so, so, so valuable. And at the end of the day, worse case, if your marriage doesn't survive, you will sleep sound on your pillow at night. While your wife tosses and turns in her own private hell.

<small>[ April 18, 2004, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>

Great post, Christy!

Thanks believer

Thankyou Christy.

It is my exact situation, and I am doing the same.

But I am hurting today

Christy that was beautiful. I don't have confirmation that my H is having an affair, he denies it, but even if he isn't he is treating me as if he is. He left at 5:00 a.m. on Friday morning to go out of town for work. He called at 7:00 a.m. to say that he had forgotten a couple of incidental things, nothing else much. I sent him a text message during the day to tell him to be safe, that I missed him and to hurry home. No response. I received a text msg from him late that night, "N safely tired call tomorrow" The time he took to write the text msg could have been used to call me, even for a brief moment. Saturday morning I called him around 10:00 a.m. to say good morning, we spoke briefly about some things and got off of the phone. Never heard from him again, I called his hotel room around 6:50, wanted to say hi, hear his voice, he answered, apparently had been sleeping so I told him I'd talk to him later. B4 we got off of the phone he said, "Whati time is it?" I told him and he mumbled that he was late, should have been out already, no thanks for waking me up or anything. That was our last contact.

This is killing me but I am not going to call him. I guess I'll just see him when he gets home. I'm going to refer to your post and believer's post (I have the Divorce Remedy book by Michele Weiner Davis too). Put on a happy face and be the best wife that I can be so that if he does decide to leave I can at least feel that I did all that I could to stand for my marriage. I am in constant prayer for my marriage, I love my husband with all of my heart. We have been together for 24 years, married for 19 (will be 20 in August if we last that long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

I am still .......Prayingforchange

Sorry to be dense, but I'm still confused. Christy's post was great, and in a way I still feel obliged to do these things. But this was about the 180 degree list, and I'm seeing people acknowledge both approaches here, I think. Am I missing something?

Jody

You should either use MArriage Builders or Divorce Busting (the 180 list) but don't try to make up your own plan using both.
If you are using a professional counselor (Harley or Michele), they may be able to make suggestions on how to do it, but if you have not read "Divorce Busting" or Surviving An Affair" then you should.
Also, Harley has said the "180" does not fit in with MB.