I am still rather new here. I have posted a couple of times but have yet to tell my story. My husband and I have been married 8 years. I found out on March 15th that he had been having an affair with my best friend for 5 months (she also lives 5 doors down from us). It is over now and they have not had contact since D-Day. We went on a two week vacation to Florida and he was completly into making things work with us. He was attracted to me and wanted to let me fulfill all of his needs. When we came back he was depressed and less affectionate. We have been back three weeks now and he is still talking about how he does not know if he will ever love me the way he did and he still loves OW so much. He is reminded of her all the time. He also told me this morning that he is attracted to me but only sometimes. I tried talking to him about the Marriage Builders site and the books I have read by Dr. Harley and he says he is tired of being counseled by me. He does not think it is normal for him to still feel the way he does about her and the way he feels about me. It has been about 5 weeks since it all came out and he is still not feeling "in Love" with me again and still does not want to let me meet all of his needs. I know I need to be patient but shouldn't every day be getting better?? He claims he wants to be here and he wants to get his feelings back but he is not interested in fulfilling each other's needs right now. Every comment he makes about being in love with her rips my heart out. I am feeling lower than I ever felt. He has no need right now for SF and that scares me. I am sticking with Plan A and avoiding Love Busters the best I can but it seems like it will take a miracle for him to love me again.

faithfull, that miracle is TIME and alot of hard work. You are doing the hard work by filling his needs, but y'all have very unrealistic expectations about how long this is going to take. It takes MUCH MUCH longer than 5 weeks for him to withdraw from the OW. As he withdraws, he will grow more and more emotionally invested with you.

That is all contingent on his ending contact with the OW. If there is still ANY contact, it is hopeless and you are wasting your time because he will never withdraw. Does she still live next door? Has there been any contact? How do you know he hasn't been in contact with her?

P.S. and I would recommend that you quit trying to educate him. That is a lovebuster.

She does still live 5 doors down from us. We are in the process of getting our house ready to sell so we can move. We have changed all of our phone numbers and emails and OW has changed hers. I don't know for sure that he has not had any contact with her. He claims that he has not and I have been checking all of the phone records and have not seen anything.

I do think I have unrealistic expectations for this to get better but I also have doubts that it will get better. He still has little love and attraction for me right now. Is that normal for this time in recovery?? I am willing to put in the work but how can I fulfill his needs until he is ready??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> P.S. and I would recommend that you quit trying to educate him. That is a lovebuster. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with this...do not try to educate him about this site or books or anything. You have already suggested them, now leave it at that.

Our Dday was March 2nd, A ended March 26th. H is still going thru withdrawal, and yes it does get better each day, but you will have setbacks. That is to be expected in any addiction recovery. You have to be the strong one here and just let him withdraw. It is perfectly normal the way he is feeling.

ARe you 100% sure he is not in conatact with OW? Because if he is still in contact with her, then it will be harder for the recovery.

My H is still not "in love" with me. I dont expect that to happen for months, but I can feel him warming up to me...we had this discussion this morning. He told me he is feeling more and more towards me and that he is not just "faking" it. He also does not want me to meet his SF right now either...I am not goign to push that, although that is his #1 need, he will let me know when he is ready.

The love I feel for him grows stronger and stronger everyday too. It is amazing how this MB works. It really does work, just give it TIME as ML has said. Time is of the essance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong> I am willing to put in the work but how can I fulfill his needs until he is ready?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are fullfulling his needs...you are in Plan A and not Lbing...dont push the SF, it will come in Time...We tried the first week and it bombed. H could not keep it up...lowered HIS expectations and set him back...WAY back almost to the point where he wasn't going to keeping trying to work on the marriage...so I decided at that point just to sit back, fulfill OTHER needs of his and not push the SF.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong>

I do think I have unrealistic expectations for this to get better but I also have doubts that it will get better. He still has little love and attraction for me right now. Is that normal for this time in recovery?? I am willing to put in the work but how can I fulfill his needs until he is ready?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is very normal. Your progress is going to be somewhat impeded, though, because she is right there within reach. Within reach means she is looming large in his thoughts. He gets to drive by her house every day and never gets away from it.

You can't fulfill his needs until he lets you, but that will gradually come. In the meantime, just bide your time, try and focus on yourself and put on a cheery face. And avoid lovebusters.

Is there any way you can verify his no contact? Tap phones, etc?

I am not even sure my husband feels more and more for me everyday. He seems so distant still. I have no idea if he is still contacting her or not. I have checked everything and found nothing but I am sure there are always ways.

I will try to stop educating him but this stuff is so encouraging and it makes so much sense. I just wish he seen it.

It is so scary to have to go through all of this and not know if my husband's love will grow back or not.

Aren't I annoying with all my afterthoughts???

I just wanted to tell you that the first year we were sort of wary of each other, but as time has gone by we have grown very much in love. More so that we EVER WERE. So I know this program works miracles. My DH calls me his "soulmate!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It will come, faithfull!! Just hang in there and be patient.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
I am not even sure my husband feels more and more for me everyday. He seems so distant still. I have no idea if he is still contacting her or not. I have checked everything and found nothing but I am sure there are always ways. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are you checking and how? How was he contacting her before? Did you give away your source when you confronted him?

Isn't it scarier to go through a divorce? You really have to weigh the 2 options that you have. You can stay in the marriage and go through this hell for about a year and hope for a good ending or you can get a divorce. Those are your options.

By agreeing to stay in the marriage, you signed on for a year of hell, FF. You can always back out and you would be perfectly within your rights.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong> We went on a two week vacation to Florida and he was completly into making things work with us. He was attracted to me and wanted to let me fulfill all of his needs. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This tells me that he is really in love with you, but is diverted right now by his fantasy addiction to the OW. These feelings he has for you are being fogged over by his feelings for the OW. As he withdraws from her, these feelings will fade. And they will fade much quicker once y'all are AWAY from her.

Melody

The afterthoughts are great. The trip to Florida was great and he had to go without pay. He told his boss he had to do it for his family. I can see he is trying it is just hard to always hear the negative thoughts coming out of his mouth.

When we were in Florida we had talked about moving there and he changed his mind the minute we came back. I think it is because of his thoughts for her. I am hoping he will change his mind when the addiction is over. It is hard to get her out of his mind because we do have to drive by her house everyday. She might be standing in her yard and we have to see her.

A year of hell huh?? I don't want to give up. I have two small children and they need a full family. Aside from the fact that I love my husband:).

I appreciate all of your words of encouragement. It makes it so much easier to get through each day!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong> I am not even sure my husband feels more and more for me everyday. He seems so distant still. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is pretty normal...My H is still very distant, but I take whatever he CAN give me as a positive sign. Every phone call is one phone call more than what I was getting 2 months ago...every touch is one touch more...I did talk to my H last week and told him that even if he has to FAKE it, to please touch me, call me, do anything to make me feel something.

We are counselling with Steve Harley and apparently Steve also told H this as well, cuz after his session with Steve, he was all over me. Ok, not really, but he has been more touchy. Last night in the middle of the night I even felt him touching me. shhh, dont tell H that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know how you feel right now, It is heartbreaking to watch you own H be so distant towards you and it makes you angry as hell...I LBed my H big time, I would not suggest you do this...He packed his car one time and was ready to move out again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Time, Time and more Time. Patience on your part. And no LB's. Melody can explain it the best that telling your husband your needs is fine, just so long as you do it in a non LB way. Tell him you need him to touch you, even if he is Faking it. It is better than nothing. and if it bothers you for him to talk about his feelings, tel him not to talk to you. It hurts you. hang in there and keep coming here. This board has saved me.

Hi,Faithfull.

We went on a two week vacation to Florida and he was completly into making things work with us. He was attracted to me and wanted to let me fulfill all of his needs. When we came back he was depressed and less affectionate. We have been back three weeks now and he is still talking about how he does not know if he will ever love me the way he did and he still loves OW so much. He is reminded of her all the time.

This sounds very much like renewed contact to me. Is OW married? If so had you told her H? If not you need to do that NOW,TODAY. This is NOT a lovebust. It starts conflict in the affair relationship.

I tried talking to him about the Marriage Builders site and the books I have read by Dr. Harley and he says he is tired of being counseled by me.

Don`t do this. The knowledge EN`s and lovebusters is a huge advantage. They have much less effect if the WS knows what you are doing.

It has been about 5 weeks since it all came out and he is still not feeling "in Love" with me again and still does not want to let me meet all of his needs.

"in love" took me 4 months of a perfect plan A AFTER there was no contact. It took 3 months for no contact to happen.

I know I need to be patient but shouldn't every day be getting better??

Nope its a rollercoaster. Up and Down.

He claims he wants to be here and he wants to get his feelings back but he is not interested in fulfilling each other's needs right now.

This takes time and work. And ALL the work is done by you. At the stage you are in meeting needs takes second place to NOT lovebusting. His lovebank account is not taking large deposits from you until he through withdrawl.

So the very last thing you want to do is lovebust and withdraw love units you can`t put back in.

Every comment he makes about being in love with her rips my heart out. I am feeling lower than I ever felt. He has no need right now for SF and that scares me.

He`s pushing you away. He wants you to lovebust him so he can feel good about what he did. He wants to think you don`t love him so he can feel better about what he did. When he makes these comments. Do NOT lovebust. Respond with a memory of a good time between you and him. This forces him to think about his love for you. It really rips through the fog.

I am sticking with Plan A and avoiding Love Busters the best I can

The secret to plan A is NEVER lovebust. Not "the best i can". I stopped ALL relationship talk during plan A and became the funnest,happiest person to be around I could be. Stable, strong and in control. Sad? I didn`t know the meaning of the word. The funny thing is my W started up the R talk after plan A had put her back in love with me again.

That`s what plan A is.

An after thought for Melody..lol..

Don`t know if you remember or not but a while ago I was having a small problem with anger at 7 months after DDAY.

You told me it was normal and would go away and it did. Thanks for that.I was close to bolting that day. I`m starting to feel like I`m completely healed now.

Sorry for the thread hijack.

Hey RG, thanks for telling me. I'm glad it worked out and you feel better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RG,

I am pretty sure contact has not been renewed. I know this takes time and I am doing my best. So I should not try to fulfill his needs at this point?? I should simply be the happiest thing in the world. How did you survive and keep your attitude up when you were hearing all the bad things about yourself? Or when your WS did not want to have any physical contact with you? I should also clarify that he does want physical contact with me. He will hold my hand or cuddle up at night he just is not wanting any SF. Patience right??

My husband says he does not want to move to Florida now because he is unsure of his feelings for me. I can understand that and it takes time for those things to come back. Does your WS have anything to do with Marriage Builder information or you still don't share it with them??

faithful,

So I should not try to fulfill his needs at this point?? I should simply be the happiest thing in the world.

Everyone seems to not understand this. If you are sad and emotional it makes him uncomfortable to be even around you. It KEEPS him closed up and not allowing you to deposit love units into his lovebank. I didn`t look at meeting a need as that. I was depositing love units.

Trying to meet a need that is not wanted does not deposit love units. It takes them away. If you say to a WS, why don`t you want SF you should want it. You push them away.

If you say to WS with a smile lets go to a movie, dinner, laugh out loud at something you read, you draw them back.

How did you survive and keep your attitude up when you were hearing all the bad things about yourself?

If they had any merit at all I changed those bad things about myself. I identified the EN`s I was not meeting and met them and there were many. I became the perfect H. as defined by MB.

I made it into a game to emotionally detach and keep my attitude up.

I should also clarify that he does want physical contact with me. He will hold my hand or cuddle up at night he just is not wanting any SF.

He has a huge amount of guilt he is dealing with right now. SF might trigger to much guilt this soon after DDAY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong> I should also clarify that he does want physical contact with me. He will hold my hand or cuddle up at night he just is not wanting any SF. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is a very positive thing here. Give him all the physical contact he wants. And let him give it to you. My H does not want SF either! I am not pushing it! I would rather do it when he feels comfortable than to do it and him not feel comfortable.

If he wants physical contact that will deposit alot of points into the love bank on both sides. Affection is my number one need and I know he needs lots of hugs...so we touch each other a lot. therefore depositing lots of units. Hang in there!

My husband is touching me and I need to look at it like you said. It is much more than I had 4 months ago. It is just hard. He is still so distant even when he kisses me. I know it will get better. There are so many things that he has to deal with that we don't understand. The loss of the affair, the guilt, and recovery. Patience huh??

MOM - Have you talked to your husband about his need for SF?? Is he still in withdrawl?? Are you going to marriage counseling?? My husband and I are both seeing individual counselors but not one together.