This is my first post. Would have done it ages ago if I could have figured out what to do - am not very computer literate. It is so engrossing reading other people's problems and knowing you are not alone. Anyway, here goes. I live in Asia. Have 3 children. Been here since 1989 following my husband's career around. He has big health problems (kidneys) and had been quite miserable company for the past couple of years. I put it down to overwork and assumed he just needed to chill out when he came home. We were not communicating and I was running around like a headless chicken trying not to pressurize him with bills, kids activities, etc. He then told me he was moving out last April (03). Didn't love me. I'm his best friend but ... Yeah right. I treat my friends with respect! Of course I asked him if there was someone else (3 times if I remember right) but believed his denial.

He came back to us in January this year after coming and going and then the phone calls began. It turned out his health problems aren't so bad after all! She plagued me with information and I was in such shock I just let her talk (in her limited english). It is amazing that a man who has had so little time for his family and left me to fend for myself socially has found time to create an alternative life. He works terribly long hours (6 days a week - it's quite normal here). He has spent far better time with me and the girls since he's lived out but I thought I was dealing with depression, not an affair. I feel such a fool for believing him.

I have asked him to leave because he was back here and still in touch and it turns out he's also in touch with his very first girlfriend on the internet. Getting him out of the house was not so awful because we'd all got used to him being away, but how do I go about getting him back and moving forward in our marriage now that all the deceit is out in the open. Wow, if you knew the quiet, dependable man I married (14yrs ago), you would be amazed. It was me who was the gregarious, outgoing flirt ... HELP

Well, sorry that you are going through this, but you have found a pretty great place to be. I'm just running out the door to work but thought I'd fire off a quick welcome.

Until some of the other posters pop in, you can start reading some of the material on this site. It is much more than just a message board/support group. The Harley principles are designed to save and rebuild marriages just like yours.

The link in my sig line is a good place to start.

Take care.

dewt

Oops, hope he hasn't left yet. It is better to start in Plan A. You can try that first. Read all about it here. It is miserable when you first find out, but things will get better.

Hi (wish you didn't have to be here but welcome and be assured we will do our best to help you),

Have you read about Plan A? Because Believer I think Believer is right, you should try Plan A for a while before he leaves again.

The OW (other woman) probably (finally! Why didn't she call you a long time ago? hmmmm...) called you NOW because she wants to cause trouble for your WH (wayward husband)at home! She's hoping you will kick him out (and back to her). She doesn't expect you to do a Plan A (do your best to fulfill his emotional needs while NOT acting angry towards him). I know that sounds insane - suggesting you allow him to stay with you and showing him all the love you can right now. It sounds like being a doormat, doesn't it? But it's not really - it's part of a Plan to restore the love between you and your husband, to assure him that you can and will stand by him through withdrawal from the affair and restoration of your marriage. It's probably the exact opposite of what you FEEL like doing right now because of the shock, anger, and hurt you have just been hit with. Unfortunately, how you will feel like reacting will play right into the OW's game plan.

READ all about how to recover from an affair, what you need to do and not do right now to help end the affair and save your marriage. Post here for support in following the Marriage Builders principles.

Did the OW reveal anything about her identity to you? Have you revealed anything about the affair to fmaily and friends? (yours, your husband's AND the OW's) Exposure is one of the things you should do ASAP. It will help ensure the affair ends. Remember, the OW (other woman) only exposed it to you because she thought it would help drive a wedge between you and your WH (wayward husband). Further exposure (to your husband's family and the OW's family) will help end the affair. It will the affair seem less exciting and more shameful, less fun and too much work. Adultery is based on fantasy and deception. Exposure deprives adultery of the fun of fantasy and burdens it with the baggage of guilt and real-life problems.

Also -

How did your husband meet the OW? Did they meet at work? If so, expose the affair to his/her boss.

Meremortal, I just referred to my original post here and found your replies. Sorry I never answered before. Firstly, I asked him to leave before I knew about Plan A and Plan B BUT I'm glad I did. I believe that I unconsciously did a Plan A when he moved out last year because 'he didn't love me'. He was back and forward 3 times and when he was with us, I was dutiful, caring, tried to be loving, did not rant and rave etc. But you have to understand I felt I was dealing with depression/illness. By moving into a hotel he ran up debt on his credit card we could ill afford. So when I found out, I really felt I couldn't deal with him around me. I NEEDED space from him and his lies. I am dealing with a PA and an EA (internet thing with his very first girlfriend who had just divorced. For all I know he was a catalyst in her divorce).

But I can stand back and think this has happened at the very worst time in our marriage. Building a house for us created financial pressures we didn't need. When you already have health problems to deal with, I don't think you should add more pressure.

I'm not sorry I asked him to leave. He did go to her and she is now threatening to kill herself if he leaves (so he tells me). Maybe they deserve each other. He tells me he met her through work. She was a supplier of goods to their company. Apparently, she bought her way out of the business since their affair because her business partner was also her boyfriend. She has moved into an apartment and so far, it appears she must have some money cos he is not dipping into our limited bank a/c. I haven't yet told my family or his but I will be taking a trip to England at the end of June and will tell all then. I'd rather tell them face to face so they can see we are coping. I'm sure there will be many tears but I know both sets of grandparents will be a great support. I have told some friends and my sister. I'm not sure how telling his boss would make any difference. For one thing, I don't even know the guy. Also, my husband is a big boy. I want him back because he wants to be here NOT because people have said what he should do. I will make a fantastic effort to try and restore affection and love in my M but only if he is prepared to help me along the way.

My youngest girls think he is working away and they will only see him at weekends for now. One of them said, "he's more fun that way". She's only 8 years old but she picked up on this very quickly. He's been lurking in our family and not participating for at least 3 years. It's 5 years since we discovered his kidney problems. I asked him if he would talk to a doctor - at least consider the possibility he might be depressed. Are there any of you there who want to share a bed with someone who doesn't know if he wants to be there. I don't. Until he gets his head sorted out, I've got a job to go to and 3 children to care for. I reckon if both of us could wave a magic wand and undo the damage we would. But it has happened for a reason. The more I type, the angrier I get so I'll stop for now.

Hi tummytuck...welcome to MB...listen to believer she knows some good stuff.

I am also living in Asia. The OW also has limited english capability, a thief and a liar. But all WS are in the fog. They cannot see. We need to stay calm and strong for them but it is not easy. The journey is very very hard.

I have no problem getting back into bed with WH if given a chance but not everyone here will agree with this idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think it will depend on you and if you are willing to accept the consequences.

Try plan A again....if you have the chance.

No OW with limited english can win over us BS if we play it the right way. Remember we have MB knowledge in our hands except it is hard to follow them through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Zizzycool, so I'm not alone on the other side of the world from Harley & Co! Thanks for replying. When I see someone has taken the time and trouble to seek me out it brings a warm glow to my being, especially when I have a glass of wine to hand. Good luck. It's all part of the learning curve of life.