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Julie,
Thanx for the editing info. I'm going to go fix all my typos now LOL.
Pepperband,
I think what you said about conflict avoiders explains a lot about my WH. And I am convinced that we cannot have a real recovery unless he starts facing the truth and gives up his hope that he can do damage control (save face). Plus it hurts to know that he cares more about what other people think than about me. Priorities askew...
<small>[ April 20, 2004, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>
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Pep...you are tough, but so right on. Most of your posts hit home. I guess thats because you have experience.and the knowledge. I haven't really focused on telling H this week...Still dealing with withdrawal from OM. Plus I'm going out of town with girlfriends this weekend, so thats on my mind. I try to imagine telling him..I think, what good would it do? There was another post about me doing everything...I do do everything, I'm the fixer in the family. I'm the middle child, I can fix it all. I can fix my M on my own. I've been doing it all for so long, I don't know any other way. Thanxs for listening...
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There was another post about me doing everything...I do do everything, I'm the fixer in the family. I'm the middle child, I can fix it all. I can fix my M on my own. I've been doing it all for so long, I don't know any other way. Thanxs for listening...
What were you fixing in your marriage when you chose to have an affair?
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jetgirl:
I understand where you're coming from. I have no idea how I will tell my W about A. I almost wish she woulod confront me or I wish she founf out about it while it was going on. Some days are very good, very normal. We don't argue or anything. She is very quiet and doens't confront me about anything. So one day soon I am supposed to walk over to her, ap her on the shoulder and ruin her life. Fun, huh? But everyone's advice is correct. How in the world cna I expect the M to ever get better if I don't tell her what I did and why I did it.
Remember, we bought this upon ourselves.
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I agree that it is better not to keep secrets, but I think that it might be wise for her to work on herself , on loving him and strengthen the relationship a bit on her side, before she tells him.
I think she needs to pray for wisdom about when and how to tell him. It should probably be sooner, and before he finds out accidentally, which often happens. He may already have his suspicions. Its always better to come clean, than to be found out, yes?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shul:
I agree that it is better not to keep secrets, but I think that it might be wise for her to work on herself , on loving him and strengthen the relationship a bit on her side, before she tells him.
I think she needs to pray for wisdom about when and how to tell him. It should probably be sooner, and before he finds out accidentally, which often happens. He may already have his suspicions. Its always better to come clean, than to be found out, yes? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I TOTALLY agree with this entire post!
Jetgirl... I am also a middle child. That's not anything but an advantage as far as I'm concerned! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am on your side! I am rooting for your ~long term~ happiness which can ONLY begin when you are reborn in such a way that you love yourself enough, respect yourself enough .... you accept nothing less of yourself than healthy brave choices.
Sneaking out the "back door of lies" when faced with conflict or difficulties is no longer an option for you ... because you realize and embrace the fact that YOU are better than that!
And your self-respect will shoot through the roof.
Happy self-loving people do not have affairs. Happy self-loving people do not commit themselves to a lifetime of lies to their family.
You do the "right thing" because you LOVE YOURSELF so much you cannot accept less than the right thing for YOU!!!!!!
Pep
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jetgirl, and whiteknight,
it is not easy. but i believe confessing was definitely the right thing in my situation. I, like you both, could not imagine how i could get the words out and how i could live with the impact. but things are going better now than ever before, because we are both finally on the same page.
i also completely agree with the concept of being ready to tell. It took me from mid December, when i first found this site, until almost the end of march. i do believe everything i learned here helped me first which allowed me to take the step of confessing.
so keep working on yourselves.
good luck to you both.
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