I have not seen WHB in over a week? I am worried about her! Has anyone seen her? WHB, if you are out there, please let us know you are ok!

Hi Mom -

This is funny. I was just thinking yesterday that I was going to start a thread asking about you....

I have been fine - sort of. I am not able to execute plan B, and have been kind of afraid to post I think. A lot has happened - I'll catch you up, but please be gentle with the 2x4's.

I decided I couldn't do plan B, and had come to terms with it - kind of felt at peace (for the few days leading up to this decision, it was like facing d-day all over again - no sleep, too much crying, etc.). The day after I made this decision, WH came over for a visit. It was a big day for two reasons:

1) he went apartment hunting
2) our children met the OW - without my knowledge

The apartment part I was happy about. He is looking for a place of his own, without OW. He claimed it was because with her D becoming final, OW would have her kids more often. Also because he wants to have our kids more often - and he knows how I oppose them staying with him in his current living situation.

The second item....not so happy about. When he was here, he wound up taking the kids to the park. Right before he left that night, he informed me that OW and her two kids were at the park as well.

You can imagine how the sh1t hit the fan.

He said it was an 'innocuous visit', and that she was introduced as his 'friend'. He said the kids played great and they had a good time playing together (great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ). I proceeded to stare at him in disbelief that he could actually think this meeting was good for our children. I told him it was nothing short of completely selfish behavior on his part. He stated that he just wanted the kids involved in his life. I told him that they were already very involved in his life, and that this introduction was only his way of showing off his children to his wh0re. (I know, major LB'ing) He kept asking me what I was going to DO about it. I asked him why he didn't tell me beforehand, and he said it was because he knew I'd blow up. I said, "you didn't tell me because you KNEW it was wrong". I told him that the kids were going to remember that their father exposed them to his GIRLFRIEND while he was still married to their mother. He mentioned that her kids are just fine. I asked him how he knew, and he replied (with a certain amount of pride) that OW's daughter had to talk about her family, and that 'her family' consisted of her siblings, mom, dad, and MY HUSBAND.

Gross, just gross.

Mind you, we don't EVER fight like this. During a portion of it, he kind of had a smirk on his face - especially when asking me what I was going to do about it. I told him to wipe that smirk off his face, this was something very serious.

The whole time we're fighting, I'm thinking, "I am SOOOOO ready for plan B". After a while, we both got softer. Then I asked him, "Are you 100% sure this is the direction you want your life to take right now?" He said, "Well, you can't ever be 100% sure" (just DANGLING that carrot in front of me). I thought and then said, "Why are you getting your own apt?" and he said, "because I need space. Away from OW. Away from you. I need to dial down the stress level in my life. I want to have the kids more often." And then we hugged for like 10 minutes. A good hug. He was rubbing my hair, and putting his lips on my forehead, and whispering "I'd never do anything to hurt them, you know".

By the time he left, plan B was out the window again.

I was so angry and confused, I wanted to post - but knew the 2x4's would be fast and furious. Rightly so.

Didn't have time to feel too sorry for myself. Our son was an ABSOLUTE HORROR the next day. Wouldn't get out of bed, yelled and screamed at me, hit me, called me names. It took me an hour and a half to get him to get out of bed. When I finally talked to WH, I was beside myself. I could barely contain the tears as I was talking to him, explaining all the horrific things our son had done to me that morning. WH was genuinely concerned, and promised to talk to our son. He even called again late that night to discuss his behavior.

It wasn't until later that day that I thought that maybe our son's behavior was directly linked to 'the meeting' the day before. Maybe I'm reading into things, but I'm trying to figure out why he was SO over the edge. Perhaps our son knew how inappropriate it was for Daddy to be at the park with someone other than Mommy. Perhaps OW's kids said something to our son when they were playing (becuase OW's kids have been exposed to their living situation, and have even stayed overnight).

I asked our son later that day about the new friends he met at the park (in a pleasant voice, to give the impression that I was excited about the meeting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). He said that he didn't like the kids because one tried to hit him. I told him that sometimes that happens at the park when you're playing. Silence. I then asked him about meeting daddy's friend. Didn't like her either, then stared at the floor.

This tells me that he picked up on something .

Fast forward to the weekend. WH's dad was here for our D's 2nd bday. WH came over Saturday night and was here 10 hours on Sunday - great visit both times. FIL said he could see facial expressions in WH that make him think WH sees what he's missing sometimes. We shared some good times and memories while he was here - even managed to laugh a little. No LBing.

We did discuss the fact that he's waffling on the apt thing now b/c of money. I questioned whether I should give up some of our money so that he can do it, but FIL said NO WAY. Perhaps being strapped for cash will help him find his way faster.... He also mentioned that there HAS to be problems in their R for him to even THINK about moving out. So that maybe being forced to stay there when he doesn't really want to will be a good thing.

I don't know.

What I do know is that my son is going through a really hard time. I am going through a really hard time. Plan B is on the back burner for the forseeable future.

Bring on the 2x4's, but be gentle....... And thanks for worrying about me....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And sorry for the long, incoherent post......

- WHB

You are THROWING AWAY a huge opporitunity and I am in shock. I thought you wanted your marriage?? If ever a marriage was ripe and ready for Plan B , THIS IS IT!! Your H is sick of the OW now and you are squandering this wonderful opportunity!

Your H is at the end of his rope with the OW but is sitting on the fence hoping to get his needs met by two women AS LONG AS HE CAN! He is in his glory. Now that he has you strung along, he is going to string HER along, but from the safety of his own apartment.

He will and can stay on that fence as long as you LET HIM. The OW can't possibly meet all his needs, but he will NEVER KNOW THAT if you don't let him experience this. He is already SICK OF HER this is an opportune time to do Plan B.

Do you want your marriage, wanting? Because this is your BEST chance [not guarantee] if you can overcome your anxiety and fears. Your lack of action is CAUSING your anxiety and fear becuase it only prolongs this affair.

P.S. My father took me to meet the OW when I was 5 years old. I will NEVER forget that he exposed me to him scummy little, sleazy affair. NEVER. Your son will grow up and know what kind of a man his father is.

WHB, I have to agree with Melody on this...I never did the Plan B, but I would have had I been in your position. I think it will be a quick slap in the face of reality for you WH if you go into Plan B and I think if any relationship would benefit from Plan B, it is this one.

Your WH is having his cake and eating it too righ tnow. I see that he is sick of OW. I also see that he can have you, not sexually, anytime he wants right now and he can have his children too. I think you really should reconsider Plan B. he is clearly confused right now and fence sitting. If you take yourself out of the picture completely, then I think the fence sitting would stop and he would be slapped in the face.

Please reconsider Plan B. There is a Plan B thread going on...go read it..I ahve to take my DS5 to the Psycologist now, speaking of problems <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Okay. I get what ya'll are telling me, and I understand WHY you are telling me to do it. Yes, I am SUPER nervous about going dark - HOWEVER I do see the wisdom in doing it.

Here is my problem: my son is having REAL trouble with our separation. He is acting out BIG TIME, and only with me. I have talked with his school counselor and with his teachers, and he is only showing this angry side to me.

I need help with this - and it HAS to come from his father. WH has (up to this point) been very accomodating with his assistance - as well he should.

Currently, we function as a family when WH is here. The school counselor told me to do as much of that as possible because our son is so confused and scared right now. He needs to be reassured that we are still a family, and that we'll be there for him.

Although I am CHICKEN about going dark, I am equally, if not more concerned about what it will do to my son.

- WHB

WantingHimBack:

YIKES! YIKES! YIKES!!!!!!!!

Everyone is right. And I know where you are. I did not listen either. I thought to myself, "but you guys do not know MY husband. I know him. I know what will penetrate his thick skull."

AND MAN O MAN O MAN...was I wrong!!!!!!!!!

If I thought I knew him at all, that was all thrown out the window when he was abducted by aliens, he was brainwashed by dirty whore, and I watched him KNOWINGLY subject my precious children to major damage.

Please, please, please listen to me. I know the pain of your son. I am living each and every single day with it in the pain of my own son. He is so distraught that he has lost CHUNKS of hair out of his head. Dr. says it is stress related. Wayward Dad related.

You are not doing this to him. I am not doing this to my S. We are all just trying to survive a majorly damaging situation with our half baked, crazy [censored] WH's.

Do you want to save your marriage? Then stop walking your WH down the alter to the other woman. By letting him cake eat, he is developing a strong liking for icing. By letting him fence sit, he is starting to like the view.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I will not lie to you. Plan B sucks. But then again, so does Plan A, and while we are being honest, the whole damn mess sucks. But not as bad as it will suck for my son to one day realize that not only was his dad a selfish, cruel, careless, undisciplined father, but that his mother was a doormat, lacking in self esteem, dignity and poise. Wow. What will that make him???????? My S is half of both of us, so I decided right then and there, my half had to be better than I ever thought I could be...because my children need me to be...

I know it is primarily important to me that my son learn the following values:

Faith in God
Love
Honesty
Loyalty
Self esteem
Confidence
A way to wisely manage his emotions
Dignity
Forgiveness

I have entered into plan B, and my VERY angry son had a lot of questions about this whole damn mess. So, in the crossroads of this whole thing, I made a choice. What would I want my Son to take away from this, worst case scenario (if my insane WH left us, went to ow, and we were left here speechless and feeling quite abandoned).

I want him to learn to lean on God. Because this is really big. And it is bigger than me sometimes (and I know we spend a lifetime convincing our kids we will defeat any major adversary that crosses their paths, it is not BAD to reveal to our children that even we don't have all the answers, and that there is a greater power that loves us, has the "rest of the story" and wants happiness for us).

I want my son to know, no matter what I love him. And this was important, and not as assumed as I thought it would be, because, let's face it, one parent has in all intensive purposes already bailed on him. So his bad behavior is his way of testing if you will bail too. By being bad, he can somehow CONTROL the circumstances in which you bail. Because life feels really out of control. I bet if you would stop, and just say over and over and over to him in a calm, quiet voice, while he freaks out like he did today, I will love you no matter what. I am here to help us get through this. I am not going to leave. It is hard, but I am here no matter what. And just keep saying it.

I want ot be honest with my son. When I went in to Plan B, I told him I love your Dad. I want him to come home and be happy with me again. So, for that to happen, I have to be careful to preserve my love for him, so I have enough love left to weather this storm. I have to stockpile it. And I am not punishing Dad. But I have to protect my love for him, focus on healing us, and find a way for us all to be happy. I told him, in the meantime, you should enjoy Dad's company when you get to see him, and he will love you no matter what.,,,so don't feel guilty about enjoying that time with him. I will be OK. I am fighting for our family. My son and my 4-year old daughter understood this. More than that, they got to see me get stronger. I do not cry all the time anymore. We laugh. We do stuff. I am teaching them how to have kindness, joy, laughter, poise and dignity.

Bad stuff happens. And how we feel right now is real, and should be expressed. If you are mad at Dad, tell him. If you are mad at me, tell me. Maybe in some way, you have a right to be. Maybe you feel like I drove your Dad out. I didn't...I want him home, but I understand your anger. Express it. BUT, do not let these emotions define you. Happiness is a choice. And just like your Dad cites that he is looking for happiness, we are going to find it right here, under our noses. A tickle contest. A water balloon fight in the backyard. We can DECIDE to be happy. We can DECIDE to move on, day after day.

I want my son to know that what his dad has done, is doing, and may continue to do, is wrong. But we love Dad anyway. Because that is forgiveness. And bitterness does noone any good...these pent up emotions KILL boys...they need to know it is ok to let it out, and then need coaching on how to forgive and avoid the bitterness.

Your son will never forget this. It is too late to shield him. He is going to forever have this time etched on his mind. What is he feeling? Perhaps, he wants to show you both that he feels vulnerable. Perhaps he is mad. Most likely he feels like he might be replaced. And he definitely feels betrayed and abandoned.

As the old adage goes, if you want to love your child, love his mother. He will be hard pressed to define the difference between Dad ditching you, and Dad ditching him. And while adults can BARELY see the distinction, if there really is one, he cannot. Life is a scary, unstable place.

I say, Plan B for them. Separate yourself from all the drama, so you can help them heal. This is so hard. It hurts us SOOO bad, can you imagine how they feel????? They need you. And you cannot have the energy to help them if you are wrapped up in the daily soap opera dramas of your WH's A.

AND IT WAS SO, SO, SO, SO UNACCEPTABLE THAT HE EXPOSED THEM TO HER!!!!!!! PUUUUUKKKKKKKEEEE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You need to move on from this. On to A.) a healed marriage, or B.) onto a healed family environment WITHOUT your WH. But either way, where you are is DAMAGING everyone, including your kids.

Your dear children are in my prayers. I can so totally relate! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />