As you all know, I am back in Plan B. WH tried to call me yesterday, and I narrowly dodged that bullet.

Now, this am, I get an e-mail form my Dad that WH sent him, asking for $100.

As many of you may remember, I have not asked for a DIME since he moved out (although his child support payments would normally be upwards of $650 a month). So, $650 x 2 for March and April. Also, I have STUPIDLY given him (without him asking, would see his balance and put money in there) $900 since he moved out. I guess I should consider that money a gift...and no 2x4's...that won't happen again.

He wants money for a bill we paid out our joint account in FEBRUARY (before he even moved out). HE also wants money for a $33 life insurance premium that comes out of our account quarterly.

Bottom line is, he wants to hurt me. He knew this would hurt me. If he were thinking logically, he would KNOW that I have been more than nice, have been TOO damn generous.

When do the attempts to jab end? Do other people in Plan B have experience with this? How about your former WS's...any insights.

I am emotionally drained. I cannot take it anymore. I am not even in direct contact with him, and he is hurting me. I just want to divorce his [censored] and be done with it at this point. There is nothing to hold on for.

Hi Christy...hear ya loud and clear...I find the WS's get nasty if you attempt to try to take any kind of control financially..they want to be in the driver's seat here...like you I am just trying to survive financially in my situation...we have a property that we could be renting generating income for both...I contacted WS via email that we have a party interesting in renting it...his response was "I am reluctant to commit to renting property as I was hoping "we" may spend next winter there together"...he also wants to wait until end of May to give these folks a response...my problem with this is that we may loose this opportunity and these folks will go elsewhere...I have tried to ask him what the significance of the end of May was but he just beats around the bush on that...I broke Plan B yesterday to call him to try to find out...when he answered he was reluctant to talk ....Why...OW was there...it was like he did not want me to know she was there...it was almost humorouse to say the least as it is common knowledge that she is spending time there...I asked if he had company and he stated "yes" and I told him well WS she must know that we have to communicate in regards to finances etc. and he stated I suppose....I am also tired of him playing the fence game and constantly trying to keep me on the hook in case the relatinship does not work out with OW...this is just mental cruelty....have to now look after me and my future...will not call him again and go back heavily into Plan B...just do not understand why Ws's cannot be honest here as like you I have tried to be above board and honest in my dealings with him

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Christy,

Just keep remembering that these WS's are SICK.They are totally self centered and looking out for their OWN wellbeing,no one elses.You have to go DARK and try to ignore their hurtful behavior.You don't have to be done with him yet,just stay away like you are supoosed to and tell your family to field any incoming calls or messages unless it is urgent.If your WH can't get to you directly he will try other tactics.

Also,more to remember,that you have barely been in Plan B yet so these acts will sting for awhile until you have developed a thicker skin.Hang in there.That time will come.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ChristyV,

Don't take WS's action personally, it is their selfishness. If it is not worth the issues let it go.

The truth is they don't mean to hurt you ... they just don't think about what their action would cause you.

Hang in there and vent in here. When you are done with plan B and WS still out there you would be done with M and him.

rh

Christy sorry to hear about your new development, what ever you do though don't break Plan B to talk to his A$$ ok. I think after all of us have been in Plan B for a while and our WS pull stupid stuff we'll all be laughing at the stupidity ok so stay tuff. Hugs to you.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am so hurt. I have to realize that this is a behavior I have fostered.

I firmly believe that people treat you how you teach them to treat you. And I have always enjoyed being the person who gave sacrificially, swooped in to bail him out, etc. So maybe I created this. Created this assumption that his actions had no consequence beyond himself. Created this ignorance that what he does impacts me.

I was deeply, deeply hurt by his request. Now, I am just deeply dissapointed in myself. Dissapointed that I did not have enough of a self esteem to provide proper boundaries in my life.

And I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

Cristy this is another attempt by your H to make you look bad so he can rationalize the A, the my wife won't give me money to pay these bills oh she's such a B***H why should I go back to her. Sooner or later this will end from what I've been told the WS will start running out of things to make it look like your a bad person then they will just have to point the fingers at theirself. My W tried this on me the day I gave her the Plan B letter, something about me using her Discover card, which I haven't even pulled it out of my wallet. Almost sounds like my W is scraping the bottom of the excuses to make me look like a bad person bucket. As WAT told me to the WS we a public enemy number one so don't worry about it Christy. Hang in there I'll be on through out the day to check on you K. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

I know, I know. It's rotten to slowly figure out how we had been the patsy for years. Be grateful that at least you are seeing it now.

Redhat may be right, but I do think there is a tendency for WSs to see themselves as victims, as a way to fog out the pain they have caused others. Hence, petty attempts to lash back for imagined wrongs. My H is still doing it a year later.

The thing is, I care what he thinks of me...crazy, I know. I care if he thinks I am public enemy #1...that is why I have tried to be some respectful, non-confrontational, NOT at all spiteful, etc.

I need to be a HUMAN through all of this, and did not want to stoop to crazy, back biting, shredding techniques.

The thing that kills me, if I fell out of love with my Husband, I would not want to utterly hobble him. I would just want to part ways, make it as amicable as possible, and move on. Why does he have to spit on me on the way out the door. I have done nothing but stand back and give. Give him $ (only to have him ask for more, when I am the one with the kids, all the financial responsibilities, not asking for a dime from him). Give him space (only to have him continually reaching out to me, instigating hurt and frustration). Give him respect (even though he does not deserve it and he has been nothing but utterly disrespectful to me). Give him trust (only to have him lie to me again). Give him time (a precious thing, only to lose time I will never get back). Give him my love (only to have him show me contempt).

I am totally emotionally drained.

So you don't love me. Fine. But why does that mean you have to HATE me??

He doesn't hate you he's trying to make himself feel better about the mistake he made. If you look at the post on here you can see how hateful the WS is to the BS that's why when my W says stupid stuff I just don't worry about it. I look at it like this if that's all you got to make yourself feel better about the A your a sad pathetic little person. There's the otherside of this too where the WS tries to be hateful to get you to file for DV so they don't have too, then the WS will probobly spin it so that if we do file for DV they would say something like this "I wanted to work on our marriage but BS filed for DV" hence making us look like the bad person in this situation.

Christy - believe it or not, he may not be TRYING to hurt you and I doubt he hates you, despite what he may be saying. He may just be irresponsible in his stupor. All the more reason for Plan B.

No consequences, no change.

I suggest you stop giving him slack and start treating the $$ stuff as a business transaction.

Of course, he'll then claim as my WS did, that I was "trying to ruin her financially." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Either way, you're public enemy #1. You cannot win in these blame games because you're trying to think logically while dealing with an illogical person.

Ever try to argue with a drunk? Same thing.

What did your Dad say to him?

WAT

Christy -

Hang in there, girl. Stay in Plan B. You have not been in Plan B long enough to help you. I have been in my half-baked Plan B since September. It has really changed me.

After awhile you will just get strong. Whatever your WH does or says, it will not bother you. You will get there too.

Tinman: You are a great and diligent support. Thanks for your friendship.

Believer: I always know I will hear a wise and gentle word from you. Thanks!

WAT: My dad simply forwarded an e-mail from him to me. I've partnered with an email intermediary, so I in turn forwarded it on to her. Then I told my dad how to just forward that stuff in the future to the intermediary. He doesn't try to get involved (he is struggling with it too...as my WH was once upon a time almost a son to him). So I have a question...how do you deal with these situations...where he may be going around town telling everyone who walks what a ***** I am. I know I should not care...BUT I DO!!! I CARE. What do I do. Learn how to not care? I've probably just answered my own question.

Christy he can say whatever he want's we know better, your the one that still has faith in your M and are being the strong one. So what if he calls you names. I hate to go grade school on you but sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me. I can just hear all the names I've been called floating out there somewhere but who cares.

Christy,

In regards to other's knowing "the whole truth and nothing but the truth",I made calls or e-mails to those close enough to my WH and I that I really cared about and told them MY side of the story.It did matter what some of our friends thought so it had to be mentioned on my part.Do that if it will help.

I didn't care what WH was telling all his cronies in Toronto and acquaintances anywhere else but some people are just as important in our lives,like family,and they deserve to have the whole picture painted for them.Not to make any judgments but I felt better that these certain people didn't have a one sided,lop sided,skewed view of what was happening to us.The rest of them can go jump in a lake.

O

Christy I hear your pain, I used to be VERY concerned with what other people think, especially what my H and his family thought of me. It took me counselling and time (not to mention posting on MB and getting great advice and encouragement) to build up a thicker skin and enough confidence in myself to know that I am a worthwhile person no matter what others with a skewed sense of who I am may think of me. You know who you are, you know what a good person you are, they only know what they hear. You can't do anything to change that without going nuts, so don't hurt yourself trying.

Actually, you can't stop caring what other people think altogether though as you suggested. It's impossible unless you become a callous fool. You care what others think because you are a sensitive and kind person. You will just eventually find a sense of confidence in who and what you are and won't need so much reinforcement from the people around you.

Stay strong girl, and stick to your plan B guns. Try to laugh at his attempts to invent some way, whatever way he can to drag you out of your plan B and get some communication with you of some sort b/c deep down he probably misses having you meet his needs. Eventually hopefully he figures out that if he's going to truly get to communicate with you again, he has to ditch OW and recommit to you.

Take care,

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
<strong>So I have a question...how do you deal with these situations...where he may be going around town telling everyone who walks what a ***** I am.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Christy - active WSs seem to commonly demonize the BS as projection of their own misdeeds and shortcomings. They have to. For them, the best defense is a good offense.

Of course, WSs don't have a corner on this market, just watch most political ads during this election year here in the US. Same book, different page.

My WS wemt on the offense right away, claiming to anyone who would listen that I was the one who left the family and even claiming I had hid money that could otherwise have been used on my dying child.

Yes, this all hurts.

The way to deal with it, in my opinion, it to ignore it. Continue conducting yourself as a model citizen, walk tall, and take comfort that in the long term, ridiculous accusations will fade and the staying power of high integrity will prevail.

Over time, my WS's lies about me have slowly but surely been shown to be what they were - her desperate attempts to make me the bad guy. Only her family members and OM now believe them and I am regarded as the rock in my son's life throughout our community. I've stayed in the "family" house and maintained a positive outlook. People familiar with our plight, but whose names I can't remember, stop me in the grocery store and ask about my surviving son and how I'm doing. They never ask about my XW.

Time wounds all heels.

Christy just a post to check on you and see how you are doing today I hope all is going well.