Dear Jen,


I and so many others are thinking of you. You are always in my prayers. Whatever your thoughts are today, you are a success story and a good person. Truly.


ayslyne,

Hi ayslyne and everyone else. Thanks so much for thinking of me today. Today marks 31 days post divorce decree, so I am officially divorced. I am single for the first time since I was 17 years old. And, I am okay with it. In fact, I am mostly relieved.

I do feel like a success story. I put in as much effort as I could in what was pretty much a one-sided effort at marriage building during our separation, and I am walking away with a fairly clear conscience. I know I made some horribly poor choices that in part led to the breakdown of my marriage, but I also know that I deserve better than the scraps and poor treatment that my H was giving me in the past 2 years. He showed me through consistent actions on his part how little of a priority I was/am in his life, and how little love, respect and kindness he was capable of ever showing me again.

Many of my friends and famliy have asked in worried and concerned tones about how I am and how I'm dealing with the Dv becoming final, but really, I am doing just fine. I am, as I already said, relieved, and feel a sense of peace and perhaps even freedom. Also, I am so busy with packing and getting ready to move into my new townhouse (no more living in a crappy apartment while my exH lives in the palace that was once our home - no I am not bitter at all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) that perhaps it helps to keep me from dwelling on what once was and focusing on the possibilities of the future.

The local divorce success story,

Jen

Jen,

Not only have you given your own marriage a hell of a try, but you have invested your time, energy, and supportive words to help others in need. The true sign of bravery and integrity, in my opinion, is someone who will open up their lives, successes and the faults, to help the lives of others.

You go girl. Keep on keeping on.

Darnit Jen! You beat me to it! I wanted to be the D'd before you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Unfortunately, the stbxH hasn't yet been served with the final papers. Ugh! I can't wait to get that 31 days to go ball rolling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am glad you are finding peace. I believe I will feel the same way once my D is finalized. In fact, I'm planning on it as my closure to the whole mess I've been through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Happy moving! The timing couldn't be more perfect, IMO.

Karen

Sorry I am a little slow to reply. Thanks for your kind words Christy; I hope you are surviving your plan B still. It's just plain rediculous isn't it Topie? You've been trying to get your divorce going for so much longer than me. But, it does sound like the end is in sight for you! Why are they having trouble serving your H? Is he hiding or something?

One nutty thought that keeps crossing my mind....I remember saying to my H, oops, exH that if/when our divorce went through that I'd send a copy of the decree to OM's house, just in case he still hadn't come clean to his wife about sleeping with me. I was very bitter that from the outside, it appeared that he'd never told her anything, and their marriage had continued. But, I prefer to stick to my "the best revenge is living well" philosophy and can't be bothered to send anything to OM and his wife. Although I still have sick daydreams of running into them and her asking where my H is, and me saying, well, he just wasn't as forgiving of me as you were of your H, so we are divorced. Ooops, there's still a vengeful side in me. But that's where I'll leave it, inside.

I've "come out" at work and virtually everyone now knows that I am a divorced woman. For the duration of our separation, I just didn't talk about my H anymore once we separated. That meant that many people just assumed we were still together. But now that the truth is out there, I'm not being treated like a leper thankfully. AND, everyone has had enough sense to NOT ask why we divorced, which was, at one time, one of my biggest fears. (Now I know I wouldn't answer that question anyway.)

Well, I'm rambling a bit. Have a good day all,

Jen

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 08:05 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

(((((Jen)))))

Just to let you know that I'm still thinking about you.

God bless.

Jen,

I can't serve the stbxH with D papers b/c I don't know where he is. Other methods are being seen to at this time, so it will eventually happen. I just don't know when. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'll post more details once the serving has happened (hopefully by the end of this week).

Karen

Thanks for stopping by FH, it's good to hear from you. I pray that all is well with you and your W.

Topie, I'll be praying that your H pops up soon so he can be served and you can take the next step forward towards peace.

Oh I am having a difficult night tonight. I ran into an old acquaintance from University and from church, and he had 2 beautiful twin baby boys....and I just read ChristyV's post, and it's all left me in tears about what could've and should've been, and what was once so good between me and my H, and how happy we really once were.

I don't think the pain will ever completely subside. Just when I think I'm at peace and doing well, the regrets come flooding back.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, oddly enough, a trek (just now) through some old photos didn't depress me further, it helped the tears to stop. When I look at old pictures of my H and I doing all of the things that we so enjoyed doing together (especially travelling in our camper), it's like looking at two strangers almost. I look at my H in those pictures, and then I think of the way he has behaved the past handful of times I saw him, and they are two different people. I guess I mourn the loss of the person he once was, and the way we once were together, not the loss of him as he is now. If he was the same person, I never would've chosen to divorce him.

So I'm okay,

Jen

Have a great day Jen. I feel like something wonderful is going to happen today-just this overwhelming feeling I had when I read your post. Sometimes I'm psychic-hope I'm right. Have a beautiful day, go foward into the world knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage. He just changed or never showed the otherside of him. I agree, the old person is gone. But the old you is gone too, and that's OK.

Thanks for the vote of confidence nj. I had a night of bad and sad dreams. In one of them my H had passed away and his family was treating me like a leper that had caused his death or something. I also dreamt about having a chance to see my FIL before he passed away. I woke up in tears after both dreams. Talk about anxiety coming out in one's dreams. I woke up wondering if I am not a selfish person who should've tried harder to work on the relationship and been more patient with my H before I filed for Dv. I was at peace until last night and reading that amazing post by ChristyV. Makes me wonder if I shouldn't cut myself off from MB because it just makes me think too much about things that I can't reverse now. But at the same time, I feel like I should come to MB and lurk and post now and again b/c it's like penance for being a FWW.

Sigh, I hope something good does happen today b/c my mood is again one of just wanting to crawl into bed and hide from the world.

Jen

Jen, I'm going to threadjack a little bit to avoid starting a new thread, regarding my situation and the serving.

The D papers still have NOT been served, nor will they be until at least May sometime. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He was served with some change in access stuff on April 12th... through his parents. Since I don't know where he is, a motion was granted over a month ago, to substitutionally serve the IL's instead.

He's got until May 3rd to respond. Obviously, if he doesn't, it will be a LOT easier on my end for other things coming up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Jen I just think you are going thru the grief stages, this is actually good. You were so open with your XH. You did everything you could to save the marriage. He was not meeting your needs and didn't want to try. You should not have a life sentence for making a mistake. We just aren't perfect, we're just people. Please forgive yourself.

I forgave my H's mistake. There is something wrong with your X if he cannot or will not. This is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and not the man you want to have kids with. Take all that you have learned here with you into your next relationship (and I'm sure there will be one-you have a beautiful soul).

Somewhere out there your FIL knows that you are sorry. His family doesn't want to see their son as being part of the problem-let it go Jen. This may sound crazy, but as a fomer BS I am going to say it-I forgive you Jen and you have my permission to go on and have a happy life. You do not have to keep making yourself suffer be reliving what has happened, you do not have to punish yourself anymore. You are forgiven.

Any realistic person would agree that you have done your best. I have always been of the opinon that it could have been me as easily as my H, and the same is true in any relationship. PLEASE forgive yourself. You are a good person who make a mistake-is there anyone out there who never made a mistake? I sure am not one of them because I have made plenty. Those who choose not to forgive should take a look inside. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. By the way, did anything good happen?