My wife and I met at school and were friends about 9 months before dating. We dated about 14 months before her visa expired and she had to move back to her country. We saw each other twice in one year about 10 days each time. When she visited me she became pregnant with our 1st daughter. We then decided I would move to her country. I visited for about 5 weeks before getting a visa and moving about 2 months before our daughter was born. Our relationship after my move was always up and down. She just ended an affair but keeps saying she doesn't know if she ever loved me and if we would be together if our daughter wasn't born. I want to believe she loved but I really don't know now. I try to be positive. She hasn't left me but she hasn't said she wants to stay with me either. I would be difficult for her to just leave because we are from two different countries and have two daughters together. I asked her if we could talk about what went wrong with us so maybe we could both stop dwelling any bad emotions and feelings of the past and try to build a new loving caring relationship. She didn't say no but she wasn't sure when she would have time. I said I knew it wouldn't be easy but we should try. I don't know what to think anymore.

Anyone have a similar situation about not sure if love was ever there. I'm not necessarily looking for anyone to give me answers. I just need to talk.

Anyone? How about EVERYONE? Almost every wayward spouse we know or hear about says this because it is a CLASSIC symptom of an addictive affair. They say "I love you, but am not in love in you." The purpose is to rewrite history in order to justify the affair.

And she probably doesn't feel like she loves you right now if she is an affair, but really, it doesn't mean she never loved you and is really quite irrelevent to the situation now.

The key now is to help her withdraw from the affair and fall in love with you. It can be done!

Right now your best bet is to try to meet her needs as best you can without any lovebusters. Have you read about this program? A great book for you would be Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

Has she ended contact with the OM?

I have been trying to fill her love bank and be the best husband I can be. I believe she has ended contact with OM. She apparently broke it off with OM a couple weeks ago but was still talking with him because he wouldn't leave her alone. I talked to her sister and she told me OM was contacting my wife while I was home over Easter and she finally got him to stop and he started contacting my wifes sister. My wifes sister said my wife cant stand OM now but I just don't know anymore

plus she doesn't say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" she says I don't know if I ever loved you and I don't know if we'd be together if we hadn't had our first daughter"

staggered, again, it's what they all say. As I said, they rewrite history.

You have to give her time to withdraw from him. The affair is like an addiction and it takes some time to withdraw. It will take much longer than 2 weeks to fall back in love again.

I would ask her to send the OM a no contact letter if she is sincere about no contact. That would be a start.

Like Melody says, this is what they all say to justify having an A. If your wife said your marriage was good and she loved you, how could she face that she had an A? So most WS's rewrite the history of their feelings and marriage.

Start in Plan A. Read all about it here. There is lots of hope and support here.

thank you for the comments. I hope you are right. I want to bring up to her to show me that she has ended all contact with OM but I don't know how without Love Busters. She had to go to work last night at the place where OM used to work he no longer works there and I don't believe he would be there. She was a bit stressed about going and I was trying to help her with ways to get out of it because I know she is overworked and wanted to be home. But then she said she was stressed with our girls hanging on her and me thinking she was up to something for going to this work. I was really just trying to help her not be stressed even though I felt like saying "well you haven't given me reason to believe and trust you" but I didn't. I just don't know how to get her to open up to me

Check out Plan A. You have to make it safe for her to confide in you. When she says she does not know if she ever loved you, tell her that your have always loved her.

It will take some time to get this turned around, so don't expect miracles right away. Stick with us, we understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by staggered:
<strong> thank you for the comments. I hope you are right. I want to bring up to her to show me that she has ended all contact with OM but I don't know how without Love Busters. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you do it with no lovebusters. It still has to be said. Avoiding lb's does not mean that you never say anything that the WS might find unpleasant. You just don't say it with disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts. See what I mean?

I have been telling her this. The other night in bed I told her that I know I didn't always say it or show it but I do truly love her and I hoped she could find love for me again deep down. Where can I find Plan A on this site.

Thanks again for the comments. I hope she will open up to me. I know before the affair she wanted to talk about our relationship but I never thought it was that serious. I believe she may be emotionally spent from this and hopefully she can find her way back to me. It has been about a month since she ended the affair. I am trying to make it safe for her but it is very hard for me when she gives nothing back. I am trying to be patient but it is very hard.

Check out the home page "quick clicks" section that talks about "Infidelity, Restoring the Marriage, and Overcoming Resentment." Also on the first page, it gives links to What are Plan A/Plan B. Read all about it.

Another on to check out is in the Just Found Out forum, called General Welcome to all New Builders. On the first post it has all the links you need.