Hi All,

Last night I blew all hopes of trust in my WS. During the day I was building up resentment to my WS and keep having sexual thoughts of her and OM. I took to the bottle to smother my suffering. My W's granny was not doing well and she passed away last night. When my W can home last night from family I left the house in my drunken state without showing any condolence, leaving her on her own. Later during the evening it struck me that what I have done was wrong and I should have been there when she needed me most. This morning (after sobered up) I feel so stupid and sorry for what I have done for leaving her on her own and regret having done that. My head is hurting so badly with questions why I did this. I feel that I have forfeited all hopes in her of me being the supportive husband that I should have been. Why have I become so inconsiderate? I realise that this unsuportiveness of me has been a problem for years and is probably the reason why my W has gone astray. It is not my wish to be like this. Why don't I include her in my thoughts. I feel very hopeless.

A

I know how you feel, somewhat. I am new to this and it is extremely difficult. I have been trying to be the best husband I can be. My wife has apparently stopped her affair but has not recommitted to our marriage if fact she says she is not sure she ever loved me. I still try even though I don't get much response. So I do know about being hopeless. I may not be one to give advice but if I were you I wouldn't totally give up hope. Go to your wife and tell her you are sorry for her loss or send her some flowers to offer condolences. Something to show her that you are sorry for her loss. Its not too late. I know it is hard to put aside your feelings of resentment. Just remember your goal is to save your marriage not your pride.

AlexVan, you made a mistake, we all do, this is why they have the LB concept. You can't get it all back in one attempt just keep plugging away and don't give up.

Also, as someone that likes to drink my fair share let me say that the booze just changes everything. My W who never drank before her A now does on a regular basis and I can watch her personality change drink by drink. I've gotten where I can pretty much tell you how many she has had by her attitude.

Hang in there and always remember it's a great day to be alive!

AlexVan,
You may not be an alcoholic but that is a prime example of abusing alcohol. You may not like my advice but based upon your story I emphatically believe that you need to stop drinking.

Your situation sounds similar to mine in the sense that I self medicated w/ alcohol. It didn't make the sad feelings begin but it sure "fanned the flames"

Are you on AD's? Alcohol can also impact the effect of the AD's. If you've been drinking along time, your brain chemistry has probably changed to the point where the alcohol definitely creates a greater impact on any depression that you experience.

Sounds as though you are suffering from depression. You need to go to a doctor asap if you're not already on ani-depressants. Untreated and prolonged depression make treatment more difficult. If you had previous episodes of depresssion in your life that also makes it more difficult. Also treating depression for too short of time period can cause treatmenmt issues as well. Bottom line is that you don't want the depression to become the norm.

I'm not a MD but via my IC I stumbled onto a MD who specializes in brain chemistry and pharmacology. He said that most GP MDs don't know the above facts. Because of multiple depressions, brief medication periods or untreated depression can cause long term effects. The depression can be treated but it's more difficult and you are more likely to be on AD's for YEARS if not the rest of your life.

Needless to say the alcohol created a huge LB. One that depending on where your W is in her affair or recovery may allow her to rationalize her affair behavior.

cwmac

Hi AlexVan...I noticed in your signature line that you ahve not started Plan A yet? May I ask why? Plan A will provide you with the right tools and info to change this behavior of unsupportiveness that you feel. I suggest you read up on Plan A immediately and jump into it tonight! You can do it. I wont comment on the drinking, that has already been addressed! Good luck!

Apologize to your wife. Sincerely and as soon as you can.
Don't drink anymore. The bottle smothers nothing. It amplifies things and helps you react in ways that will do nobody any good.
You have not forfeited all hopes. Today is a new day. Yesterday is gone.

dewt

I have appologized to her. I explained that it's because of her continual contact and secretive behaviour with OM that has caused me to have these thoughts with subsequent reaction. I know I wouldn't have done what I did if I hadn't been drinking. Big mistake. Lesson to be learned.

Further to previous post:
No I'm not on AD's. I'm going to make an appointment with GP today.

Plan A not started as W not willing to give up contact with OM - besides he is a co-worker, so she sees him everyday anyway - which is sort-of OK with me, but it's the after hours secret phone chats that get to me. All of a sudden she wants to go to the shop to buy bread and milk, which used to be a job that I always did. Obviously to talk to him.

Hi Alex
Again I am new to this but I have been reading quite a bit on the topic since I suspected my wife having an A. From what I understand Plan A is about getting her to stop the affair. You need to try to find out what EN the OM is filling and how you can start filling them. You need to show that you are a good husband and worth having. I know its hard but it needs to be done. Try to keep in mind that by being angry making demands and so forth will only push her further away. You need to be there for her so she will realize she needs to stop her A. Of course you need to ask her to stop the A but don't make demands. Tell her you want to work on what went wrong in your marriage but to do that she needs to stop the A. Just my opinion.

Yes get some anti-D's and start Plan A. Also wife can have no contact with the OM, so one or the other has to get a different job. But that will come later.

Take care of yourself and get started on doing these things. It will really help you.

I'm seeing GP later this morning re AD's.

I have been trying to fill her EN (after reading the book 'His needs Her needs'). These I have established to be affection, support and converation. I have tried my best over the last month but feel they have little effect on W (which is the case after reading many posts myself). I have confronted my W about stop communicating emotionally with OM. She said that she is reluctant to leave him alone.

Hopefully after a couple of days on AD's will clear my head with destructive thoughts.

I just want to say Good Luck to you. Also does anyone else know about the affair. Have you tried to expose it. Affairs do tend to thrive in secrecy so exposing them may help to end them quicker. I read some good articles on this on www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com. Maybe you should have a look.

We have told 2 good friends. We didn't want to tell immediate family, just in case we do get back together, then there's a vibe between family which we are trying to avoid.

If the Marriage does go down, then family will ask why, and the truth will come out then. Perhaps to late though.