Have any of you ever just gone to the o/p and told them to go away and leave your spouse alone?

The other day I was tempted to go and see her and tell her of the harm she has done to our family and ask her to discourage him from coming around.

She doesn't care about him, they aren't in love , they are friends, sort of- she just likes the attention, but she has a boyfriend and there are lots of other men she could be with.

There was a time many years ago, that I went out with a married (separated) man. One day his wife called and started yelling at me. I said I didn't know she wanted him and that I would stop having contact with him right away , and that was sorry, and I wished them well.

Shul,

I think that there have been quite a few BS's on the board who have confronted the OP, but I'm not sure if this would actually help to separate them, unless of course, your OW does not know that the man she is 'dating' is married. That's an entire different scenario.

The OW in my husband's life knows very well that he is married. Didn't stop her from asking him out... And doesn't stop her from calling/emailing him etc. My H's says that it's just a 'friendship', but friend's don't say "I love you. Miss you. You are hot... etc."

I very much doubt that visiting the OW and telling her to go away and leave your man alone will actually make her do that. Most often it seems that this brings the WS and the OP closer together.

Remember it always takes two to tango. If your WS wanted her to leave him alone, then he probably would have told her so...

Kati

shul - many BSs here have reported doing something similar, with varying results.

It makes sense to initiate contact ONCE to inform OP that your spouse is, in fact, married (it's a common lie that they aren't) and that you have no interest in being divorced. Your past situation demonstrates the effectiveness of this in certain circumstances.

Beyond that, repetitive contact seems unnecessary and potentially counterproductive - it gives power to the OP and causes the BS to stoop to their level. After all, OP is NOT the problem - they're simply the drug of choice.

Another tactic is to send a copy to the OP of a Plan A letter written to the WS. TRhis can also dispell lies the WS has told to the OP and communicate your desire to maintain the marriage.

Bottom line - do it once only to make your position clear, then stay out of the gutter.

I have talked to OW several times. It was a big waste of time. She just laughed and told me at least she doesn't drive by and say "NaaNaa, I've got your husband." Most OP do not care that WS is married, or they would not continue to cause problems.

I, too, dated a cop for 3 months. Then I found out he was separated, but his wife wanted him back. I dropped him like a hot potato. That is the reaction of a caring person. And he tried to tell me he was getting a D. I told him to go home and work on his marriage, and had NC with him ever again.

Steve Harley has actually counseled folks to do this before with some good results. It helps for the OP to see the real live person they are helping to destroy.

He recommended asking the question: "what are your intentions for my spouse?" That should wake her up!

However, I see other opportunities here for you additionally. Have you contacted her boyfriend? If you contact both of them, I would suggest doing it on the same day so you don't give her an opportunity to spin the story.

P.S. You also have to be prepared for a reaction like believer recieved. Some just do not know right from wrong and simply don't care.

In my case, my H was telling her we were separated and she was FURIOUS. She dropped him like a hot potato. But you can't count on that reaction.

ditto Mel

Here's one for ya: I was good friends with the OM and his family - they lived just four doors away. We celebrated holidays together. I helped his daughter move into her college dorm. He was a pallbearer in my son's funeral.

Nonetheless, my WS convinced OM that I was "abusive" and hid money that could have otherwise been spent on my dying child. I confronted him a couple times early on, but once he defended and repeated these accusations, I chose NOT to confront him further because if he believed this crap, nothing I could say would change it.

WAT

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

It seems to be quite common that many WS's tell the OP many untrue things about the BS. Maybe this helps them feel better about the A or they are trying to rationalize it.

My H is often very angry at me and I can hardly have a normal conversation with him without him screaming at me. I used to break down crying many times about this, but lately I have tried very hard to not cry anymore and when he starts yelling or getting angry at me, I will discontinue the conversation and let him know that I cannot allow him to talk to me in such a disrespectful manner.

I have decided to not give him any fuel to tell the OW what a horrible person I am. Because I'm not...

Kati

No, in my case she knows very well that he is married, and doesn't care. Her boyfriend knows what happened between them and doesn't care.

While it was going on sexually, she thought it was hilarious that I didn't know, and that I was looking after her kids while she was with him.

I see there is no point, she is amoral.

Shul, I agree it would be a waste of time. Don't lower yourself to contact with such a low person.

Do NOT confront her, Shul. From what you have just written, it would be a complete waste of your time. You do NOT want to put yourself on the same level than this person. You are much much better.

I know this is so hard for you. But come here often and vent your feelings. This board has been a tremendous help for me.

Kati

Most times than not the OP just doesn't care. I confronted OW in my situation and she said she didn't know about me at first but when she found out it was too late she was already in love. This was in less than a week. She is married and has 2 kids and obviously didn't care she was destroying my life. In some cases the OP does leave once they know what's going on but more times than not it doesn't matter to them. They are selfish and don't care who they hurt. That same selfishness usually ends the A which is a good thing.

Thank you all,

Cyn, yes what you say is true and my husband is starting to see her true nature. She is only there for him when there is something in it for her.

I think this is hard for him; he thought they were friends, but he is finding out differently now. She has used a number of men in this way.

I just need to be patient.

Thanks again,

Shul

I tried talking to OW too. She told me that she'd promised my Wife she would not walk away from her. That my family and my son's home was at stake meant nothing to her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She told me that my wife had "left me a long time ago."

dewt

Yep, the "left me a long time ago" rationale is VERY popular. Very typical WS script reading. Usually seen in WS ad trailers issued by the Mothership. A sure sign of WS "normalcy."

A good sign, believe it or not.

Indicative of predictability.

WAT

In my case, talking to her did no good. She actually had the nerve to ask for my blessing if they ever did really get together. Whatever!
Emailing didn't do anything either. Just pissed WH off. I think she thinks that playing amateur therapist w/him and all will save him from a miserable existance with me. She can about have him. She will soon find out that his problems are bigger than even her "wonderful self, pure soul" can handle.

LOL, thanks WAT,

Predictability. I kept a journal during the affair. A little 'game' I played was to journal out my predictions for the next 24 hours. To bad I never put any money on it.

Jokes aside, my biggest problem with this whole thing is the textbookness of it all. My wife and I were very active on this board in 1999/2000. She was even a moderator for a while. This should never, ever have happened, if only because so many things are straight out of the book. Like word for word.

dewt

I have talked to the SOW twice. once on Dday when I called her cell and told her "WH can't come out and play tonight (referring to a text message she left on his cell about going out that night). In fact, he won't be coming out to play at all anymore. You need to leave my H alone." She says, "Uh, ok." "And", I say, "women like you are the most dispicable creatures on earth." And I hung up.

Then three months later, she calls me after an "altercation" between her and I and tells me, "I am so sorry I did this, I was so wrong. He told me it was over, blah, blah, blah, blah." We ended the conversation with "You stay outta my life, I'll stay outta yours."

Well, now she is driving down my street everyday, making sure to take all advantages of being "in my face" on those occasions in our neighborhood when we will cross paths (mostly the kid's functions - gee, how kindly & motherly of her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

I guess my two incidences of taking to the SOW have been useless. I just wish she'd go away! Like I am sure bummed out and Spider slayer do too with their OWs!! Sucks having them right THERE in our communities, in our lives...

Ok, venting done! LOL Just having a bad day - 7 months since Dday #1 <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />