calling out to you because of the long time you've been in plan A and that you are counseling w/SH. If i have misunderstood anything let me know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i'm starting to have lots of intrusive thoughts of my H w/the OW and just wanted to know how you've handled it. I don't know how much this has to play into but I was a virgin when i met my H and he is the only one i've ever been with. I know he's been w/other girls before we got married but the fact that he doesn't care if i'm w/someone else really sticks to me right now. how effective would it be to pose that to him? i've avoided any talk of the M on the advice of SH but didn't know if this was in that same relm.

i'm trying to schedule a session next week and will bring this up to SH. I know that the WS/OP are in a fog. My mom came for a vist recently and showed me a letter that she almost sent my H but stopped at the mailbox because she doesn't want to do anything that will hender our reconciliation. well anyway she let me read it and i think it was good. she talked about how my H was hurting this other girl, etc. Now some of my thoughts are going w/how I find it hard to believe that my H would ever be comfortable w/people knowing that the R w/this OW started as an A and that will NEVER change no matter what happens. I know a great deal of the people he knows, works with, friends w/know and for the most part are encouraging him but what about new contacts? the only person i know for a fact that knows in his family that there's someone else is his mom and i don't know if he knows she knows. I've been treading very carefully around the subject at the behest of SH. My H has 6 brothers and sisters.

i'm going to be talking to his mom this weekend and see how she feels about me coming to visit. SH said to bring the subject of the A up as if my IL's already know. but we didn't go into what i should do or say if my FIL or BIL/SIL don't know. anyway i'll be asking SH this too.

other thoughts i've been having is i don't want my H to think that because of all the "changes" i've made or things that i've learned that i'm better than him or that i would never be able to get over what's happened. i guess i don't know what my real question is other than how you have done what you have for so long and what more can i expect from my H? thanks for reading and for any thoughts. prayers to all of you.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Roughroad, nice to be thought of, as I'm having a bad day myself. I'm leaving for IC in a few minutes and resent it a good bit. W would only agree to MC if I went to IC to fix MY problem. So she still implies it's ALL me and nothing wrong with her. To answer your question of how I do it, I never let myself forget what a beautiful person she is underneath this present fog. Whether it's MLC or an A because of unment needs, I still dismiss it as temporary and cling to the woman I remember. Also I had a very bad gambling problem early in our marriage. It caused us to spend 9 years in an apartment. Wife stood by all that time; how could I leave her now? She needs me to be the "lighthouse" just like your husband needs you to be his.

Presently my W isn't talking to me. Again blaming me for something that she should own. I get discouraged from time to time but I keep thinking that it's possible to have a better marriage than we ever dreamed of. I learned that here. So stay here and keep trying to be the lighthouse. One thing I have learned though, you think only a select number of people know but I think if you quadrupled that number you still would be conservative. People know. I asked my brother to borrow money for SH and within a few weeks my sister said I heard you're in trouble. It didn't bother me but it surprised me because brother is very tight lipped. People aren't stupid. Anybody that sees you falling apart thinks you're either you are your husband are having an A. And the longer it drags on the more people will figure it out. So don't worry about letting things slip. You did nothing wrong, remember that. God bless.

WOE

RR, btw, your husband would crumble if he thought you were with someone else. The fact that you never been with anyone before him is a source of pride to him. Get rid of these thoughts it's not the answer. I can tell you I leaned on a female friend during the hardest times and it got W temporarily out of the fog so fast that I realized I didn't want to do what she is doing so I am very, very careful right now. You do the same. Keep your head up and don't take your eye off the ball.

RR,

I agree with walkingoneggs. Your H may say that he would not care if you were with someone else, but I definitely think that he would care and just like woe said, it would probably crumble him because deep inside he is probably proud that he is the one for you.

I have had relationships before my marriage that included lots of sexual relations, but I did not have intercourse until I met my husband. He was my first and I think that he is, in a way, proud of himself that he was able to 'show me the ropes'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My own H is also very jealous when other guys show that they are interested in me. He doesn't mind guys staring at me from a far; that actually makes HIM feel good that he has a good-looking wife. But when they start talking to me, then it gets tricky. One of his buddy's has a big crush on me. It is so obvious, but I have never done anything to feed this guy's crush, but I know that my H would probably not like it at all if I were to start going on with other guys. Of course, I would never consider this option because it is not going to help me save the relationship that I am in now. But I think it definitely helps a bit when hubby knows that he is NOT the only guy interested in me....

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by walkingoneggs:
<strong> RR, btw, your husband would crumble if he thought you were with someone else. The fact that you never been with anyone before him is a source of pride to him. Get rid of these thoughts it's not the answer. I can tell you I leaned on a female friend during the hardest times and it got W temporarily out of the fog so fast that I realized I didn't want to do what she is doing so I am very, very careful right now. You do the same. Keep your head up and don't take your eye off the ball. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

you really think that he would "crumble?" i say that because after i found out and confronted him and he just kept saying he couldn't go back etc. he said i would find someone else and the last time i saw him (a few weeks ago), he said i looked great (at the time i had lost 28lbs within a 6wk time frame) couldn't get over my weight loss and sad he was glad for me and that if i kept it up that when i went to the beach all the guys would be falling all over me. I know that they say things while they are in a fog so i didn't take what he said as anything at the time. I've lost 33lbs as of last tuesday, i still have a long way to go but i'm on my way.

you're right of course about what other people think when they know a M is having problems and I do KNOW that all his family knows that we're having problems at the least. I took a bottle of pills and had to go to the ER. now what he told his family exactly I don't know but anyway....

When you say that you think of the beautiful person your wife was and is deep down is how you get through (for the most part). i guess when i do this it just makes me sad because i had such a wonderful H and took him for granted and just worried about myself. So sometimes it's hard to think that way. Of course some days or easier than others as you know and i'm still relatively "new" at all this stuff and i'm still just trying to learn all I can. Thanks for the quick replies in the midst of your bad day and i'm sure your IC session will help. prayers to you.

RR,

I think it is a very good sign that he noticed your weight loss and that he said you look great. This sounds really positive. You keep it up, girl and by the time summer rolls around, you will be in a bikini in no time and let those guys look at you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep doing good things for yourself and your husband will see.

You know his OW is certainly not Ms. Perfect and she is so young and she still has a lot to learn and maybe she makes him happy right now (his own words), but she might get tired real soon of having to make him happy all the time. Every relationship enters a new phase eventually and that is when the real work starts out. Now, he can always keep running to the next chick to make him feel better, but that is going to get old real quick. Unless he learns how to communicate his needs better, this may end up becoming the story of his life....

RR, we all makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. Your husband is a good guy and is probably a wonderful husband, BUT he made a big mistake. Even good people make mistakes. YOU are a good person too, and you are learning how to get better at this marriage thing.

I also think that people (family & friends) can usually sense when something is not right with a couple. I know that some of our friends have told me that there is a dark aura hanging over me because I have not been my usual bubbly self and I often avoided contact. I know that I also often have a sense of when something is not right with someone.

Hugs to you!
Kati

RR just to give you an idea of what happend when my W and I had one of our talks. She was all fired up and talking DV so I got mad, and I'm not proud of this by the way. I said "since your all fired up to get a DV I guess that means I can start dating people." I figured my W would say good I'm glad to see you moving on but instead she got that deer in the headlights look and didn't say anything. I feel bad about saying that now but I can't turn back time.

thanks guys, as always you guys make me smile. my h even to SH that i looked great and he didn't have to say that to him. i guess i'm just kind of discouraged because i still have a long ways to go on the weight loss. i'm not striving for some unrealistic number just what is recommended for my height which is at least 30lbs less then where i am now BUT i have to keep reminding myself how far i have come.

maybe i'll save his "jealousy" card and my "virginity" card for down the road, how far down the road remains to be seen. i was able to get an appt for next tuesday w/SH, it will be my 5th session w/him. i'll keep doing what i can on this end and let God work on the other end (my H and the OW). prayers to all of you.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR, yes I think it would concern him tremendously if he thought you were even looking or being pursued. Unfortunately its not a tool you can use. Its just too dangerous. Keeping doing all the right things and I think the distance between your two paths will start to concern him. In other words if he sees you drifting too far away I think he'll move closer. And don't underestimate the overwhelming guilt going on. People used to ask my W "whats wrong with H?" I know it killed her because she knew she was the one that reduced me to rubble. And I was rubble. It has taken a long time to get my strength back and now I feel more in control of the situation then her. So even if things don't work out it will be on your terms not his. Great job on the weight loss.

Roughroad,

I know this is terrible and you are very strong. Your WH says things about other guys in an attempt to insulate himself from his own budding jealousy. He wants to feel like everything is ok. He cannot help but notice your positive changes and in order to deal with those feelings he denying the impact the changes have on him.
I know it gets old but this is the fog pure and simple.

I am sorry for the despair you have felt/feel. I know it. And although it is difficult you are doing a wonderful job.


You are in my prayers.


ayslyne

About the intrusive thoughts. Break the spell. Do something active or that will otherwise occupy your attention.

About the dating... After 6 weeks of separation, I 'gave up' and started dating a girl. Dating freaked me out so I came back here and started posting, trying to figure out if I was ready to 'move on or not' (fog isn't the exclusive domain of the wayward). I didn't mention the fact that I was dating here because I wanted to focus on whether I'd tried hard enough, suffered enough... rather than dodge 2x4s. Well, to make a medium-short story just plain short, my wayward came on and 'outed me' with such aggression and vindictivess that I was stunned.

Then she disappeared again. (from the boards)

It was all the sign I needed though. I broke up with my girlfriend and refocused on saving my marriage. Lesson learned.

That being said, we are still separated. She is not commited to saving this family. She is still seeing the OP.

I take it as a sign that there's hope. Not a guarantee that things are changing. Lesson learned.

dewt

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

thanks all for taking the time to read this post and for your thoughtful replies. some days i just need more encouragement than others and you guys came through, not that i had any doubts. i guess part of me questions if i really would be attractive to anyone else. by that i mean when i was growing up, none of the guys i went to school with were ever interested in me, or at least the ones that were i wasn't interested in them. it was always "older" guys or guys from other schools and states that were interested. as you can see by my sig line my H is 5 yrs older than me and i met him the day after my 17th b-day and we had sex about 3 weeks later. i was just so overwhelmed that someone like my H wanted to be w/me that way.

i freely admit that probably a lot at first was just infatuation on my part and just happiness that someone like my H felt the way they did about me, etc. well anyway, probably some more of the truth is that i'm comparing myself w/the OW, i know what she looks like, etc. and just not sure if my H would ever be attracted to me again the way he used to be after having spent this time w/her. thanks guys for the pep talk, prayers to all of you.

RR, good morning. how is your day today?

I kept thingking about the OW. I think that the reason my WH and her were together b/c they both are in the same situation, not happy in their M, but don't know how to get out. So they found each other to be supportive to each other.

i don't know about your situation. But being seperated with him to different states maybe a facotr. That is what I just thought about.

i was posting to you on the other forum while you were posting to me here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> yes, the fact that i was in a different state when he met the OW was a big factor in all of this. how much i don't know, but anyway, thanks for checking on me and have a good day!

i have my next session w/SH on 4/27 and will be talking about some of these issues w/him. it's just hard to get everything you want to talk about in an hour <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> if you know what i mean. so what should i say when my H does bring up me seeing other men or finding someone else? i've just kind of ignored it in the couple of times he has said something like that but maybe i shouldn't have. of course most of us always think of what we should have said after the fact. but i still can try and anticipate things and learn from others. thanks again guys, prayers to all of you.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Say to your husband: Thank you for thinking of me. But I'm sure you'll understand I need to move on my own timetable.

Eleminiate any hint of sarcasm when you say this. The message you want to get across is that you're happy that he cares what happens to you, even though he's a little mixed up about what you really need.

thanks curious for that, sounds like there is a lot of wisdom behind your post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />