I have read many of the postings here, but this is the first time I have posted. I discovered the affair 6 mos ago, however have caught her for a second time. Now the guy works with her and she help him get the job reporting to the same manager. Please give me advice on the contents of the letter. Please let me know if it is to insensitive. My wife has minimized contact and is trying through her boss to end all contact. Should I send the letter anyway? She has also said she will work with me towards changing or quiting her job, but I know how much she really loves it and she may try to stay anyway. Please give advice. I just read over and over how important exposure is. nobody on her side know including her parents. Should I tell them too? And is a letter better or should I call for legal reasons? Could I be sued if they end up in divorce?

Dear …..,

This is the toughest letter I have ever had to write. I do not even know if you know who I am. I am fairly sure from the information I received that you know my wife. I am writing this letter as a concerned spouse for my marriage. So I would only ask that you would finish reading this letter in its entirety when you are able. As a wounded spouse I do not intend to inflict pain myself, my intention is to protect my family and hopefully enable you to protect yours. I am only going to give you facts through certain truths I have become aware of and of which have taken place over the last 6 months. From these truths I have come to the conclusion that my wife M…. and M….. were involved in an emotional affair. Here are the facts as I see them:

• Frequent phone calls between M….. and M….. began around September 29th. This was shortly after the …. convention in New Orleans of which M….. did walk M…… home every evening. I was unable to attend these events because I caught the flu and was sick much of the time we were there. However, I did meet M….. at one of the events I was able to attend and again I went to bed and he walked her home.
• M……. and M…… attended the planning committee conference in CA around the 15th or so of October. My wife did lie to me about him being there which I found out a few days later.
• Around the 20th or so of October I started to monitor phone calls and e-mails that were sent between M and M. Most of these phone calls were in the morning and in the evening every day. As well as weekends and many in the later evening.
• On the 29th of October I discovered that M and M met in Atlanta for what she says was a total coincidence. They did stay in the same La Quinta and many e-mails were exchanged to coordinate meeting. This is the day that the realization of what was happening occurred for me. I called M late in the evening the day she arrived. The only way I could reach her was from the confirmation of the hotel in her e-mail. This is when I first confronted her about the affair. She was in total denial and insisted they were just friends. I am also aware while they were in Atlanta they entertained many customers together, although they worked for competitive companies at the time. This is also when she says that this is the only time your husband held her hand. Again according to her, this is the only contact beside hugs that occurred.
• My wife would not come home until the 31st of October and this is when many warm and fuzzy e-mails occurred. M….. was still not aware at this time that I was monitoring her e-mail. I confronted her again on the 31st when she came home and she was very unapologetic and in fact was proud to admit that she had to go some where else to get her needs met because I was not doing this as her husband.
• My wife and I began counseling at this time and she cut off all access to her e-mail, but was not aware that I still had access to her phone calls which I did end up telling her and then she then cut that off in December.
• After a lot of hounding on my part she told me that she had ended contact with M on Dec 23rd, however told me this was done over a phone call, the following weekend I discovered that she was actually in Houston and she actually had lunch with your husband to end the relationship. According to the information M….. provided this is the day that she told your husband I was aware of the relationship.
• A lot of time had passed of which Michelle lied repeatedly in counseling about her contact with your husband. Again I would not find out about this until later. She spent the next several months not letting me have access to phone calls or e-mail.
• About a month ago I made my wife give me access to her blackberry and discovered that your husband was now working for her company as her counterpart in Houston. As it turned out after much aguish and prodding, I discovered that they never really had stopped talking and that she did help him obtain employment with her company.
• I called your husband a few days later to get the story from him and at that time he was very guarded, which I expected and he really did not answer a lot of questions for me. However, I was able to attain that he did not see anything wrong with my wife and he continuing to be friends (even during this phone call from her own husband). He also stated that he made you aware that he and my wife had too many conversations about their marriage problems. He also let me know he would have no more contact with my wife except for business reasons. After hearing his take on things I felt asking him to have no further contact with my wife would be unfruitful.
• As of last week my wife dropped out of the training they both had in A……. again after much prodding by me and our counselor. At the suggestion of our counselor she scheduled a meeting with her boss to tell him about the affair and to ask him for support in not having any further contact with your husband business or otherwise. And then told him she could not go to the training. Again according to my wife this conversation took place and to this date their boss is still thinking on how to make this happen.


Again it is not my intention to cause pain for you and your family, however I think we both have the right first of all to know the truth and secondly to protect our families. However, I do realize that you may be shocked and very hurt as a result of what M…. and M….. have done to each other and many others around them. I have provided all of the e-mails and phone calls that I have access to at this time. I know this may take some time for you process and you may need further answers that I may or may not be able to provide. My understanding from both M…. and M…. is that both of you love Christ. I believe as another brother in Christ that this truth will only help you and your family. Because only through truth can true forgiveness, repentance and healing begin. I did not write this to make you feel bad for me either. I know that I have contributed to my marriage being in the state that it is in. However, I also know that the Lord does not expect either of us to shoulder the blame for M and M’s decisions. And I also know that no matter how bad each of their marriages were, are or ever will be should ever give them clearance to do what they did. If I can provide you with any other truth or you feel the need to speak with me, my phone number is ……..

I do have one request. I am encouraging and keeping my wife accountable to no further contact with your husband in anyway. I believe from the word and other Christian perspectives on this topic that this will be a necessity to put our marriages and families back together. I would ask that he does the same. Even if their employer supports such an action, I believe both spouses should be aware of any interaction that takes place between either of these two people.


Kev_dad

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: kev_dad ]</small>

Send it, and also refer OM's wife to this site.

First, Kev - edit out their names where you missed them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kev_dad:
<strong>My wife has minimized contact and is trying through her boss to end all contact.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Next, how do you know this?

Ideally, the best way to expose the affair to OM's wife, asssuming your wife is REALLY trying to end all contact, is for her to write OM a "no contact" letter and have a copy sent to her.

Aside from that, assuming your wife refuses to send a no contact letter, I suggest you simply call OM's wife, tell her what you know, and tell her you'll provide evidence if she wants it. A letter is too easily intercepted.

Now, another thing. No way is this affair only an EA. Why do you think it is? Because your wife said so?

Finally, DO NOT threaten or alert your wife that you intend to spill the beans to OM's wife. Just Plan A and lure her back to the point of writing the NC letter. If that doesn't work, then clandestine exposure is necessary.

worthatry

How do I go back and edit? I tried to delete. It said it would only let the moderator do that.

As far as the sexual part. To be perfectly honest I dont know. I do know i caught this in the early stages and do to some extent believe her. I would love the whole truth, but since i wasn't there you know how that goes.

To edit, click on the "pen and paper" icon next to the "quotes" icon at the top of your original post. You are allowed to edit your original post up to deleting all of it by simply removing the text. Then click the "Edit Post" button at the bottom.

Assume it's a physical affair. This doesn't change any of your actions, other than saying so to OM's wife.

Don't get me wrong, sending the letter as is will likely do more good than harm. Exposure to OM's wife is necessary.

BUT - if your wife is REALLY ending it, it may be wiser to wait a bit on exposure, since it WILL be a huge love buster if your wife knows about it.

So, what was the answer to how you know she's ending it?

WAT

I am assuming she told her boss, i have access to all the calls on her cell and have access to all her e-mail, however at this point since she lied once she could do it again. At some point I guess I cant beleieve anything else. I admitt this has been my darkest part, knowing the truth. Also, the fog seems to have lifted. She is an actress in community theater, so you never know, but atleast as well as I did know her I think she is being genuine now in saying she loves me and more excitment and joy about us being togehter. Now I have the problem of really not wanting her anymore. Or maybe it the eternal game that we have played, however I really feel she could leave tommorrow and I would be OK with that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kev_dad:
<strong>Now I have the problem of really not wanting her anymore.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to decide if you want to save the marriage or not.

Please give us more history including your ages and if any children are involved.

If your sense about your wife's current mindset is correct, please understand that many BSs here would cut off an arm for your opportunity.

Assume for the moment that you WILL want to save your marriage, despite your current indecision. Pour yourself into it and get hot learning all the concepts here. You may be surprised beyond your wildest expectations.

WAT

This attitude like i said is hard to read because it still seems like it could be ingenuine due to all of the lies. She answered the phone to answer a work question for him the day before good friday. That was the last verbal contact and she did come to me of which i made the mistake and exploded. Still new to this accountability thing

20 month old son that is awesome been married since 96, dating since 91. I am 32 and she is 30. And in retrospect she did have another EA that she hasnt acknowledged yet, because she thought she wasnt attracted to him. That happened in the beginning of the marriage. My main problem is knowing this will probably happen again, because she is broken and does not even understand how she gets into this kind of a mess.

I was working until about 2 months ago and even though she knew the OM was working there she let me decide to stay home with our son. So now we have put him in Daycare so I can go back to work and she wants to downsize supposedly the house and all so she can stay home with our son. So the day care is supposed to be a temporary fix.

Again I want to believe, but she makes a ton of money and loves her job, sometimes I think it is some master plan. But again as of late she does seem genuine. Its just that I start thinking about all the lies again and again and again.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: kev_dad ]</small>

OK, have you approached her about counseling?

Does she seem willing to want to really FIX things?

You HAVE to stop love busting and stop all angry outbursts. Whenever you feel the urge, think of your son and what a happy family can mean to him.

Get hot on Plan A right now. Identify the bad things you brought to the marriage and fix them!!! Demonstrate the fixes to your wife. Be a #1 Dad!!

Git it?

WAT

got it....

I am geting there, but man it is tough...thanks for the straight talk.

been going to counseling the whole time of the affair. I actually got us into counseling at the time it was all happening. I had a sense from the beginning. That is the other thing that is crazy how many times she has lied in counseling on top of that it has seemed she doesnt care if the father of her child trusts her either. The wierd thing is that since I have been drawing away she has been trying to get me closer. I even told her this last weekend I am ready for divorce and even gave her the go ahead. Her response again has been she wants to save the marriage, but still no radical changes in her behavior.

I am trying to want this again and think this site is starting to help.

kev,

I am a huge advocate of exposure to END affairs. Because your wife had a back slide....even though she has agreed again for no contact....just in terms of safety and fairness for his wife...HIS WIFE needs to know. So DO send your letter. Her parents are a different story. If she was unwilling to change her job, talk to the boss, write the no contact...then yes...might need to tell her parents. But it serves no purpose right now because she's willing to end the affair and they are not directly involved like his wife is. However, if she backslides again....then go with the full exposure including them as well.

Be careful, Kev.

I suggest this scheme, which star*fish may not agree with. You have to decide.

Request your wife write a no contact letter. If she will, and she's sincere about it, she'll have no objection to also sending it to OM's wife. If she's willing, ask her to visit this site first and see for herself why a NC letter is necessary.

A NC letter is the best way to inform OM's wife.

IF your wife refuses to do the NC letter, then you need to expose to OM's wife. I suggest a phone call followed up by written facts depending on the result of the call. Your letter may be appropriate in the end, but I suggest you stick to the facts. Remove the references to "Christian" virtues. To some, this may come across undesireably. To like minded Christians, it won't matter.

No need to expose to your wife's family at all unless all of the above fails.

WAT

WAT,

I like your plan. I have always thought that a measured, "stepped plan" of exposure is a very good choice depending on what the WS is willing to do. I know that W Harley says "put it on the evening news" but that's really (IMO) if the WS is unwilling to do anything and the affair is unstoppable. I really don't think her parents need to know at this point, do you? Not unless she can't maintain the no contact. If a WS is showing remorse, a desire to end the affair, romove themselves from affair environment including work and be accountable...then I prefer as little humiliation as possible....it smacks of revenge instead of saving marriages. The affair partners spouse needs the information no matter what....but I agree that can easily be done in a NC letter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong>If a WS is showing remorse, a desire to end the affair, romove themselves from affair environment including work and be accountable...then I prefer as little humiliation as possible....it smacks of revenge instead of saving marriages.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely!!

Exposure is a surgical knife. As little as is necessary to be effective. Any more is unnecessary wound and would be counter to recovery!!!

WAT

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 06:53 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>