I hear so much about how the WS goes into withdrawal over the OP once the fog lifts, but what about when they leave us to be with them? Do they miss us, or think about the love we shared, how it felt to hold us, what it was like when "we" had those intense feelings we thought would never go away? Or does the OP completely wipe away anything positive WS felt because they are so 'hot & wild' in bed? Does it matter at all that we stuck behind them through thick and thin, that we love them uconditionally, and cry ourselves to sleep at night? Do a few nights of passion completely destroy what took years to build? Is the OP suddenly the best lover we ever had (even though we told BS they were at one time too), the sexiest, prettiest or handsomeist, our best friend, best cook, or whatever BS obviously isn't? I found a letter my WS had written a few years ago that said, "You will never lose me." I guess he forgot to add until someone better comes along. I mean are we all of a sudden nothing in our WS's eyes because of the OP? If love never dies then how come OP is the one worshiped and we're left with nothing but hurt & heartache, wishing we would die!

don't know the answer to that or even IF there is an answer. Wondered these things myself and i'm sure countless other BS have as well. my H gave me a card last october that generally said we've had bad times, etc. etc. but ended w/i can't imagine spending the rest of my life w/anyone else but you. of course i shared that card w/my H last month and all he said was basically that he hadn't given that card to me that he had gotten it a long time ago and was waiting for the right moment to give it to me and i just found it.

anyway, prayers to you during these time of struggle but know that there are lots of people pulling for you and God is always behind us too.

At one point I've had some of those same questions and I've come to the conclusion that while they are addicted to the OP they don't remember any of the good stuff or at least not for very long. I think those feeling and thoughts are still there they just get buried and OP is helping keep them buried by reminding S of our faults.

I too have a letter, one that my W wrote to me the night before I found out about the A. It said something to the effect that our M had just gotten a little off track but she had stayed up late and watched a movie about the Regans titled "Love Letters" and it made her think of us and remember how special our relationship was and how she wasn't going to take me for granted any longer. Three weeks later she filed for the big D.

She's back now and some of the memories are coming back but the fog was heavy for awhile. Hope things get better for you, I know it's hard.

I, too, wish I had answers. I think the very same thing.

LL

Steve Harley said something to me when I asked him about WS rewriting history. I'm probably going to mutilate what he said, but hopefully I'll get the idea across. He said WS's memory is like computer files. When they are in the A, and after, while still in the fog, they have their OP file. The file with us is lost somewhere. Now this is my interpretation. WS only remembers the bad about our R, and only remembers the good about OP. My H is going on 4 weeks of NC and FINALLY he seems to be remembering the good with us, and starting to see some of the bad of OW. Before, the harshest he would get about OW was saying, "She's human like everyone else."

So that's my take on this craziness. CV

Yeah WS always sticks up for OW no matter what. I was always there for him etc. and believed we had a great relationship. Not perfect by any means but not bad either. No matter what we had been through it seems we always came out stronger because of it. Now WS acts like he never loved me and she is just the most wonderful person who ever drew a breath. She can do no wrong and I can do no right. Yeah, it took her to come and rescue him from such an awful person as I supposedly am.

I've been on the receiving end of the rants of a few WSs whose spouses have finally gone into the protection of Plan B. Withdrawal? Oh yeah. Big time.

It's a completely different kind of withdrawal, but yes, they do experience it.

The hard thing is that the way they want to get their "fix" is not with loving interactions, but with hateful and hurtful interactions. That's no more productive to a marriage than loving interaction with an affair partner is..... and that's why Plan B exists.

I asked my FWS this today and he explained it like this...

If a WS spends too much time with OP then yes, they do miss the BS and family...they feel guilty about what they are doing..they start thinking about how he should be with family, but he is with OP instead. But that doesn't stop them. it's the addiction that gets them.

My H has yet to really feel the affects that this A had on ME and the boys. He may or may not feel it as he is supposed to. But so far, he hasn't really shown any major remorse.

CYN, On OW's last day of work at H's business I decided I needed to have a little talk with her. I totally flipped my H out. He did not want me talking to her. I said I need to for my own healing. It was a total surprise attack and quite good I might add. What did my H do? Tried to interrupt the conversation 4 times. During the 1st attempt to break it up he said, "You're not being fair to OW." My reply, "And was it FAIR of you and OW having an A for 9 months?" All I can say is FOG, FOG, and more FOG!

I could go on and on! If you can find any humor in your H's stupidity it can help. It's worked for me. When I found OW's love letters to him I actually laughed out loud at some of what she wrote. Sometimes a little sick humor can help.

All I can say there were and are many posts that I've written that began with "This whole thing sucks!" It does. We BSs are in a place we don't want to be in, but are because the person we love put us there. Keep posting, and if you have a belief in a higher power, keep praying. Both have helped me to survive this hell. CV

My wayward spouse says she misses us, but when it comes time to do something about it... nothing.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
<strong> I've been on the receiving end of the rants of a few WSs whose spouses have finally gone into the protection of Plan B. Withdrawal? Oh yeah. Big time.

It's a completely different kind of withdrawal, but yes, they do experience it.

The hard thing is that the way they want to get their "fix" is not with loving interactions, but with hateful and hurtful interactions. That's no more productive to a marriage than loving interaction with an affair partner is..... and that's why Plan B exists. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Smart answer

Accurate answer.

Pefect answer.

Brava!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Yes, the fog does wipe out alot of memeories for FWS. The same thing happened to my H. He would keep asking me to remind him of the good times.

This is half the reason I was willing to go to Plan B. I knew FWS would miss his family. He may have thought he wasn't in love with me anymore, but he tends to elevate exes to angel status. I really did want OW to take him, so that she could go through his depression over leaving his daughter. Luckily, it didn't get that far.

BTW, I never badmouthed OW to FWS, so he didn't have to stick up for her and it gave him room to actually see her flaws.

WS' don't "see" us again until they are out of fog and truly remorseful. Then they can't believe we, the BSs, are still here.

Do we try to recreate these memories? Or is the fact that WS's are so far in the fog it won't do any good. I know they like to rewrite history to justify the A but do some honestly believe the garbage they are feeding everyone? I don't mean to be cruel but it's hard to make any sense out of something so senseless. All WS's want answers and we only have the WS's out there to give it to us.

Well, my "story" is so bizarre, I don't think anybody would even KNOW what to tell me about withdrawal.

My xH's ow died on March 1 during a surgical procedure. They were planning to marry in July.

So, what I'm still trying to figure out is: Is his withdrawal from her going to be worse, given the fact that she was "taken from him" in the PRIME of their A? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm thinking he will "mourn" their "R" and end up deifying her in his mind.............wondering about "what might have been..........."

Have you ever seen what a drug addict does? They will give up everything for their habit. They lose their family, home, everything, and the weird thing is, they think all is well.

Same thing with a WS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cyn1018:
<strong> I know they like to rewrite history to justify the A but do some honestly believe the garbage they are feeding everyone? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, they do and that is what is so sad about it...You just have to learn to listen to them and nod your head and say...

Oh really
ok, whatever you say
is that right
ok dear
uh huh
RIGHT!

And take it all with a grain of salt!

The drug addict anolgy it a good one. It's like an alcoholic who has lost everything for just another drink. Maybe the WS has to hit rock bottom with the OP before recovery can begin, just like any addiction. They know what they are doing is causing so much pain but for some reason they can't stop until they are stopped. Only then maybe will they see the tragedy of the A. Drug addicts can only get better when there is total abastainance. Same thing with OP I guess.
I suppose in the case where the OW died it is a little different. A very harsh reality. WS knows she is not coming back. He will probably hurt for a long time and yes always wonder what might have been, but don't BS's think the same thing had the A not occured?

Anymore comments? I am always looking for anyone's opinon.

Hi cyn,

Well,when I was in Plan B for almost 2 months my WH told me that he really missed me and the girls,he tried a few times to break my plan and contact me.When he was coming home in February for the weekend,I decided to stay for a bit and tell WH that I was very unhappy and considering D.But before I could he sobbed and tried to hold me and told me he wanted to reconcile and said many sweet things to me that made me think he was being truthful at the time,even though I didn't let my guard down.

He told me that while he was out with homewrecker and his "friends" at a pub or other places,he would think of me and dream about my face,things like that.So yeah,I think some WS's do really miss the BS to some degree.As easy as they may want to just run off into the sunset with the OP there is more often than not a long, memorable history with the BS that can't just be swiped under the rug,at least not very easily.

I have a big box full of love letters and cards over the past 19 years all promising me the same: I am SO in love with you,We are going to grow old together,I love you so much,you are so beautiful,etc,etc,etc.

So,when I gave him some reminders,he still seems lost as though he doesn't even remember writing them.Ugh.My WH really has spent way too much time away from me(work) and became introverted with his feelings.We stopped talking intimately due to life and I know that is what draws him to the HW,they have basically started over what my WH and I had done 19 years ago.

O

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Cyn.

My story is a bit different then others. When I was in my A, I wished that it could have been my wife that I was with.

The OW couldn't hold a candle to my wife in any area. You ask why I had the A then. My wife can meet my core EN's but wasn't at the time. The only things that the OW had going for her was she treated me like a god.

The fantasy of being with the OW wore off the second I turned the car on to go home. The guilt I was facing forced me even further into the hole. It's really weird in that you feel so bad to have violated your marriage vow, you think the only thing that makes you feel better is being with the OP.

She couldn't cook, sing, didn't know my favorite color and wasn't very intelligent at all. What she did have was a smile ready for me when I went to see her. There were times that I thought that I had to give her sex to keep it going. I know that sounds odd coming from a man, but that's what I thought.

I can remember opening doors for the OW, pulling out her chair, making plans to do special things. It hit me one day! I asked myself,"what would my marriage be like if I treated my wife this way?" That was the day my head lifted out of the fog and began my journey back home.

The OW said if things didn't work out at home it would be nice to be married. I looked at her and told her that if I'm cheating on the wife I have now, what makes you think that it would be any different between you and I.

There are moments of true clarity when the fog lifts. In these moments I found myself to ashamed of what I'd done. The only way to feel better was to see the OW. I know that's not what you want to hear. The OW and her baggage got to be to much along with the guilt and fog breaking. I called it done, slipped back, called it over, slipped back until finally it was over. I couldn't hurt myself anymore and continue to use her.

So yes, He does think of you. Don't expect him to admit it now, but hopefully in time. Your H's OW can't compare to you in anyway. She's the OW and you have values, morals and integrity. Should I go on! If he keeps living he will find out how big of a mistake he's made. Hopefully this will come before it's too late. But yes, he will recognize the fact that he's made a huge mistake.


Titleist