BT:

"All night I woke up in sweats and fear of this promise I made to my H not to talk with the OM...I feel I might have made a mistake and should NOT have told H but ended the 'emotional almost physical affair' and that way could have still kept in at least a LITTLE contact.
Now I am terrified of life without any communication with the OM."

This terror will pass. And the length of time it takes will be directly proportional 2 the length of time you kept it a secret. In this case, 5 years, whether you realize that or not.

My W has kept her secret for 13 years now. She still wants contact "once in a while", "after all, RM doesn't even want a relationship with me anymore. Isn't that enough"? And the answer is NO, because I know what her hanging on2 the relationship and keeping their communication secret all these years has done 2 our marriage. I, ol' 2long, will have NO MORE OF IT FOREVER. It's been affecting my performance at work, at home, at everything I would otherwise enjoy doing.

NC is an END. It seems HARSH, and it is. But it is far less harmful 2 both the BS and the WS than any form of continuity of the illicit relationship. That will tear you apart, slowly and forever, if you let it.

-2long

Actually PEP,

I did have the same thought you did - we don't come on here day after day and praise everyone of the BS's who have gotten through one more day of resisting the temptation to just give up or to have a revenge affair... We just assume we are all mature enough and GET IT enough to understand and resist the temptation. And I agree with you that our self-respect is our reward.

But - for what it's worth LOL - I DO commend you for not yielding to temptation. I AM proud of you (and myself) for having the courage, love, and maturity to do this. It gives me great comfort to know I am not just some sort of kook, 'victim', 'loser, 'fool'... for doing the right thing.

This online community serves a very important function IMO in helping us realize we who choose to stand by our WS's and marriages are not alone. There seems to be so few among family and friends (and even unfortunately among counseling professionals) who understand MB principles. Most people I know (including the counselors I've talked to) assume it's a choise between shutting up and putting up, or divorce and getting on with your life. Too many people believe the WS's assertions that they have found the love of their life, or that it's too late to save the marriage.

pep...if we all had your self assurance many of us wouldn't be here on MB today. The whole farce behind getting into an affair is wanting attention and wanting praise. It's being vulnerable and willing to sell your soul in order to feel better about yourself. If you've never been there you can't understand and it's easy to sit back and judge those who have been weak.

Everyone who has had an EA/PA has lost something that is hard to get back. My dignity and self respect are gone and I don't know quite how to put that into words to make "strong" people understand. Yes, BT does need support to know that she did the right thing. I could very well see how revenge affairs would be tempting after being so hurt by your WS.

The thing about an A/revenge A is that the BS is obviously hurt by it and the WS has the two edged sword of knowing that they have hurt someone else deeply and have also hurt themselves deeply. I think that the BS is actually more capable of forgiving the WS than the WS is of forgiving themselves.

Originally posted by Lisa103:
pep...if we all had your self assurance many of us wouldn't be here on MB today. The whole farce behind getting into an affair is wanting attention and wanting praise. It's being vulnerable and willing to sell your soul in order to feel better about yourself. If you've never been there you can't understand and it's easy to sit back and judge those who have been weak.

LOL I really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL'd at this!!!

Ummmm

I have done the most self-damaging things you can imagine.... the weakest dumbest most ill-conceived decisions possible.

LOL LOL

Yes, I have been weak. LOL


Everyone who has had an EA/PA has lost something that is hard to get back. My dignity and self respect are gone and I don't know quite how to put that into words to make "strong" people understand. Yes, BT does need support to know that she did the right thing. I could very well see how revenge affairs would be tempting after being so hurt by your WS.

Tempting .... however, still wrong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was tempted ... I talked myself out of it.

I think some of my "strength" and perceived judgemental attitude is partly because I am old (54) I have a LOT of experience in dealing with people in risky situations .... more than I can tell you.

So.... support me too!!!

I did not kiss any old boyfriends today. Don't I rate a smiley face?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


The thing about an A/revenge A is that the BS is obviously hurt by it and the WS has the two edged sword of knowing that they have hurt someone else deeply and have also hurt themselves deeply.

Revenge A's are usually a result of thinking errors.

Do you know about thinking errors?

Look up "cognitive therapy" on google or somewhere. Then look up thinking errors.

I think that the BS is actually more capable of forgiving the WS than the WS is of forgiving themselves.

True, very true.

I am a strong person now, but sometimes weak also.

How did I become strong???


By getting my butt into deep trouble and LEARNING how avoid making the same mistakes over and over..... just like you're doing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

I hear ya Pep!! I wish that the x-OM could hear ya too! He's 53 and is still a predator. I was number 4 and quite sure that I won't be the last.
I'm feeling a little feisty today I suppose. Sorry for jumping on your case, ok?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>By getting my butt into deep trouble and LEARNING how avoid making the same mistakes over and over.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....and learning from the mistakes of others. We're not on this rock long enough to make them all ourselves!

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa103:
I'm feeling a little feisty today I suppose. Sorry for jumping on your case, ok? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Feisty is my favorite mood!

You are always welcome to "jump on my case" ... but, I don't think you did jump on me ... I think you challenged my thinking ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...

and I am always grateful for that.

What a horrible mess I'd be if I were never challenged.

Pep

Blessed,
What is up with this thread's ever changing title? It's getting confusing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ladysing, tell me what to write as the title and I will. I have changed it 3 times!

I guess I just want the thread to stop.

I confess that I find myself still thinking OFTEN of the OM even though I have promised NC; I want the thoughts to STOP. HOW? They are pleasant, escape from reality, thoughts!

I keep busy but that doesn't help.
H gave me lots of questions tonight that I answered truthfully. Uggh!
This side is no 'funner' than the BS side!

Sincerely, Julie

Lisa, you said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">pep...if we all had your self assurance many of us wouldn't be here on MB today. The whole farce behind getting into an affair is wanting attention and wanting praise. It's being vulnerable and willing to sell your soul in order to feel better about yourself. If you've never been there you can't understand and it's easy to sit back and judge those who have been weak.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No 2x4s here, Lisa. I think it gets at a really important point. It's not so much that it's "easy to sit back and judge those who have been weak", so much as "hard to work how the WS allowed themselves to behave so weakly." I think BSs and WS struggle with the difference in attitude.

After d-day, it became clear that - like many BS's - I had been just as unsatisfied as my WH, possibly even more lonely, subjected to just as many temptations as him and offered as many opportunities. It baffles both WH and me that he succumbed and I didn't.

Why? Were my opportunities less seductive? Was I basically less unhappy? Did I have better life skills? Am I just less of a risk-taker?

It matters to me, because I think there is still a lingering resentment in WH that I am 'strong' and feel so little empathy with or sympathy for him and his OWs. And I'm troubled to say that I don't have a particle of sympathy.

I wonder if the difference (between me and H, anyway) comes down to how we have handled consequences as we grew up. I have always believed that you cannot blame the consequences of your behaviour on anyone else but yourself. I think that H tends to feel that when he behaves badly, it is at least partly down to external pressures, and that he is therefore not wholly responsible for the consequences of his actions. He has tended to push the blame onto 'The World' in order to keep his own conscience clean. But doing that only brings more consequences, which must then be blamed on others, which brings about consequences...

I think he has 'got it' - this is a very different man from before. But I still don't understand how he could fail to predict the consequences, or care about the damage he would do to others.

I would genuinely love to understand.

TA

Blessed,
I was thinking that it was confusing that the title kept changing, not that I did not like it.

When you update the situation, it's easier to follow than updating the title. It's just hard to keep up with posts that you are interested in if you don't know the title of the day. No offense meant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, Ladysing.
I should not have kept changing the title!

I will put it back to the original and leave it alone!

Sincerely, Julie

I am busy busy busy working outside in my flower gardens today. BUT thoughts of the OM do seem to be tagging me around a little TOO MUCH!
H took the day off and is mowing our 3 acre pasture field...It is a GLORIOUSLY beautiful day!

'Together Alone'..I don't think there is any ryhme or reason why one person has an affair and another doesn't...For me, I have always had the highest of morals, would not have sex before marriage, always went to church with our family, wouldn't allow our teens to go to dances and the like.

But here I am, someone that absolutely knows the consequences of an affair and I almost let it go too far.
Had I not told H, I think I might have just went with the exciting 'feelings' and put my morals on a far back burner.

I guess just like what they say with drugs: the thrill of a 'hit' is there! And paying the price of the 'down' later is not taken into consideration at the time!

You think you could NEVER be caught in this web but when the chemistry and infatuation is there, sometimes it is nearly irresistable. (NEARLY that is!)

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

TA...I would like to comment on your post regarding your H. I think the bottom line is that the WS is just not thinking about the consequences of what we were doing!! I know that for the BS that is almost impossible to believe. When I was with the OM thoughts of my H and my two children never entered my mind. I wonder how that was possible now. That is truly the epitome of selfishness I know and something that I'm not proud of. I think that for me the fact that I was always drinking when I was with the OM helped me to escape from reality and to detach myself even more so.

I used to wonder how people did this to their spouses and be able to lay their head down at night and go about their lives without being overcome with guilt. I don't have to wonder anymore. I used to tell myself, this makes me a better wife and mother because I'm a happier person so what does it matter as long as no one finds out. Can you believe that I could actually rationlize my A like that??? I don't even recognize that person that I was a year ago. The entire ordeal has affected me in such a way that I don't know that I'll ever fully get over it. I wish that I had known about MB before everything happened!!

Blessed Time,

Do something really, really weird. Something you never do.

Dance nude in a fountain. Go drink with your H in the toughest bar in town. Throw a huge, formal tuxedo dinner party with silver, china and crystal in your home. Invite some people you don't even like.

If you do the "routine" things, you will be thinking of OM more and more. Do things that will create a new history for you. Something you will think about tomorrow as really, really strange -- things that will supplant the memory of OM.