Oops! I had it all wrong!

I thought "exit affair" was when you did it in the out turnstyle, as opposed 2 the "entrance affair" where you did it in the IN exit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Humor, it's what's for dinner.

-2long

FL,

I in my opinion you did NOT have an exit affair. Most I have read about here, have them, then tell their spouse and leave. The reason for the affair was not so much to hurt the spouse although it did, it was to have a soft place to land. If you really wanted to leave all you had to do was tell your H of the affair.

You said a lot about your Dad, and I have a feeling is that your interaction with him has colored how you view men when the situation becomes more than just friends for lunch. I am guessing your H always felt you holding back, and that feeling provides one with a lot of alerts.\

But, what is most interesting to me is that despite your H's insecurities about other men in your life and despite what you were withholding from him, he acted far differently than your Dad. He loved you, he "holding on to you."

I think your last posts need to be printed out and shown to your H soon. I think they illustrate your struggles not with him so much as with you. I think they are starting to crystalize in your mind that you have been more strongly affected by your family situation than you thought.

But, most interestingly to me, you are seeing that your H understood you pretty well. What I think you need to understand is that you need to understand him as well. He will need your help now.

FL, I am thinking at long last you have a chance to have the marriage you wanted and were afraid to have. I think your H is growing and learning as well, but it seems to me his instincts aren't so bad.

FL you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">at this point, i get it now, and i want to help him feel safe, helping him feel safe is finally important to me now. i realize it should of been all along, i just didn't understand it. i know i can help in that area now.

on my side of it, i needed to feel loved, but he held back because he didn't feel safe. he didn't see my need as something he caused and therefore not something he was responsible to help with. He felt it was all about my dad, not his concern.

so if i can look at my side of it and feel confident that i get it now and can help fullfill his need, why can't i feel confident that the same can go the opposite way, that H maybe didn't get the things about me due to who he was, but he has changed and grown since he was 22 (which is how old he was when we met) and that he can get it now even if he didn't back then. i just need to learn to trust him. so easy to write, so hard and scary to do!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are key statements and I think you need to reflect on them and discuss them with your H. What can YOU do to help him recover??? You stated it right her. Apart from all of the details, you need to make him feel safe. You get it now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FL, I don't think you realize how big a breakthrough that is. He needs to hear that. No matter what his list entails, if you make him feel safe and loved, YOU will have done a very very good thing.

Please think abott that.

God Bless,

JL

JL - you sage, you. You picked up pretty much what I noticed, but, as usual, you took it to the next level.

However,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>Please think abott that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A bit early on the left coast for magaritas? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

WAT,

I am surprised at you. You know that "left coast" means "left brains...somewhere". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I cannot seem to find mine today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

JL

Nicely done, JL.

You'll be pleased (and maybe jealous?) to hear that I had crab cakes for dinner - sprinkled with Old Bay.

WAT

funny how reading these posts can make a person cry and then laugh.

i am mega stressed out right now. i signed on to start a topic to say just that. I AM STRESSED, HELP. kid stuff, work is bearing down so hard and all this marital stuff. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY. that is actually a good point, i think i definetly need to soak in tub tonight to unwind. i'll take one of those maragritas too.

i am stressed but i do see a light at the end of the tunnel. the dress i have been making for my daughter is finally done (musical at school), i feel like i really will be able to get house back in shape yet tonight so it will look good for H's return. tommorow is take your daughter to work day which i will but i have so much to accomplish tommorow too!!!!

cristyv, i am sorry for your pain, i will post more tonight to you.

2long, thanks for the laugh.

JL, i was actually was thinking about printing this topic to show to my husband. i just am not sure he would be happy to see how much i am sharing here.

wat, i love crab cakes too!!

FL,

Just tell him the part I put in quotes. It seems to me you are starting see things far differently. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That is a very good thing. I think if you tell him your task is to make him feel safe, and be safe, he will begin to realize that you do understand.

You may not realize this but that is one of the main reasons people marry...so have someone to share life with and feel safe facing the fates.

You are getting it I think and you are really progressing far better than you realize. Don't be surprised if he comes back sort of down and out. Being away from you can be hard on him right now. Just take it in stride. You are strong enough to do this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: WAT you are an evil evil man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Torturing me like that. I just love Maryland crab cakes.

JL - I know you don't really mean I'm evil. Do you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Get yer butt over here and we'll find some.

A good crab season is predicted on The Bay. It's a bit early now, which is why I defaulted to the crab cakes. Come June the Jimmies ought to be steaming up nicely. No Sooks, you know.

Have you ever read "Beautiful Swimmers" by William W. Warner? It's A Pulitzer Prize winner about watermen, crabs, and The Bay. A MUST read for all lovers of crabs and The Bay.

WAT

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I have a curiosity question if I may be so bold to ask...FL and WAT, how old are you guys?

Hi Lisa, I'm FL, I'm female and I am 40.

I know you meant to ask JL and WAT their ages.
I think i know which decade JL is in, but I'll let him answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have no idea how old WAT is.

Christyv, my computer stopped working earlier and i could not finish my post, i am sorry, sometimes i really hate these computers!!! so i took a 30 min walk instead, and then picked up my son from soccer, now i am back and i am writing to you in your mourning post.

JL, as always you give me so much to reflect on, thanks. i'll probably post more later. I will say my stress level dropped way down now, between these posts and the 30 min walk. I still have a ton to do tonight but i sure feel better prepared now!!

Lisa - you mean JL and WAT, right? FL is NOT a guy - best we can tell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My sig line - when enabled, see below - says I'm 49. That's a bold face lie. I'm actually 50. I tried to update my sig line back in Feb. when I turned 50, but the updated forum software - updated since I turned 49 in '03 - won't let me change it without also making it a lot shorter. There's a character limit now that apparently I exceed. Sometime, I guess I'll have to go in and edit it down to be in compliance and correct my age at the same time.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

JL IS older than me - always will be.

So, why do you ask? Is it because we act so "youthful"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We're so "vibrant" and "alive"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FL...I'm so sorry..major typo on my part. I know that you're female. I meant JL and WAT. WAT, thanks for revealing your age. You and JL have a tremendous amount of insight on here, that's why I was asking. From your signature line, I can certainly tell that you have been through enough hard times to have earned your wisdom. I'm really sorry about the tragedy that you have had to face in your life and yet you remain compassionate, firm, but very compassionate and yes VIBRANT!!! I'm 42 so I guess I have another 8 years to go, right?

WAT,

Did Lisa say she was 42??? She doesn't look a day over 30. Heck neither does FL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Children! WAT what are we going to do with them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Lisa, I am 58 and old enough to know better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lisa, when I was your age, my youngest was just thinking about being born. I'm a slow learner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

JL

no, FL is NOT a guy, best as i can tell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> no worries Lisa.

JL, you had a baby when you were 42??? wow, what were you thinking? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> How is your son doing with his recovery?

oh, so they changed the allowed number of characters in the sig. line. i wondered about that, i ran into the limit problem too. i didn't think mine was any longer than some others i had seen, that explains it!!

i am 40 but excuse me, i don't look a day over 25!! ok, that is a bold faced lie!!!

WAT, your story is very sad, they say the death of a child will either bring a couple closer or tear them apart. when we lost catherine (she was born premature and did not survive) it drew us closer. i remember how much that meant to me. i wrote her a note that i put in the coffin with her, and in it i vowed that i would not allow us to slide back, that i would somehow keep the closeness intact. obviously i failed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> She would of been 12 in May. Losing a child is a terrible thing to live thru, i didn't realize your child was ill for a long time, that would take a toll on a marriage too.

JL,

i wanted to re-read your comments before going to bed, but i don't think i will try to respond here at all, just reflecting on it myself tonight. I just talked to H a few minutes ago, we had a pleasant talk. his job is going well, he got to sneak off and play golf this afternoon, he is in san diego, said the course was beautiful, right on the coast.

i am so looking forward to his return, i was stressing out about it earlier but i have calmed down, i hope i stay calm tommorow!!! i asked him if he was going to want to talk tommorow or just enjoy each others company, he said just enjoy being home. i am glad, i have missed him, i would really like to just be together and relax some. I have the Norah Jones song, Come Away with me, stuck in my head. i heard it earlier, i have heard it a million times, but the words struck me more tonight.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is a really nice thought, isn't it?

i don't know why, but i like the idea that mine was NOT an exit affair. somehow that is comforting to me. we women are strange creatures, don't ya think?? "having a soft spot to land" definitely does describes it. very, very selfish, but it doesn't feel as mean-spirited.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 01:42 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL,

I am glad you are not stressing. It is good to be calm.

Son is doing fine. Out of the hospital,needed another op to sort out problems. He is 20lbs lighter. I told him I could loan him a few. His football coach is bummed he was up to 220 and he is skinny. NOw he is under 200 and he is a stick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Ah! to be young again.

But, all in all things are fine.

Good night FL I must go home and get some sleep.

God Bless,

JL

I always pic2red WAT and JL as old men with long white hair and flowing beards...

But then I met JL in DC back there in 2002. Away went that mental image. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But I always though WAT was older than me. Now I know different! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I remember when I 2rned 50, but only because it was just over a year ago.

You know the thing I miss most about getting older?...

...um, what was that 2uestion again?

-ol' 2long

Yes, age does have its benefits. Hmmmm, what were they?

Long white hair?

Closer to NO hair! Well, JL has me beat in the hair dept.

Speaking of hair, I have figured out - with age - why older guys seem to have more hair growing out of their ears. I believe it's because they can't see up close in the mirror as well as they used to. Thus, they can't see that they need to trim it.

If I ever go bald, I plan on letting my eyebrows and the hair on my ears grow long so I can comb it over my head.

are you guys having fun???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think they are FL. What do you expect from a bunch of old guys LOL

I always pictured JL as about 70 (sorry JL you do keep going on about how old you are) - I don't know about the flowing beard and long white hair - more the Southern Gentleman type - Big Daddy in "Cat on a Tin Roof." Without the weight.

Back to you FL.

Jenny