I'm not sure if any of you folks remember me or not, but I was here about a year or so ago, and the fine folks here talked me into ending an EA I had at my place of employment.

Which I did, and I haven't even spoken to him since.

But I keep getting into them, over and over again. Yes, I keep NCing them, but I keep getting into them all over again. Once, and I'm not proud of this, but once I even had a one-night PA with an ex-boyfriend of mine. Of course I felt horrible, and yes I told H about it.. and he forgave me.

Which of course isn't what I expected. I expected him to get ticked off and leave me, he has biblical grounds now to leave me with a clear conscience, but he won't!!

Anyway, it's been a year since that, and now instead of EA's in real life, I'm having them online. It can't progress to anything real if the person is thousands of miles away, right?

Well, unfortunately, I was very wrong. Just last week I had packed all my stuff, planning to leave H and run across the country to be with OM #4..

Although, being the idiot that I am, I didn't. I talked to H, and he pointed out to me that he needed me home. He needs me for stuff around the house, and for transporation to work.

So, yes, now that I've admitted I'm a horrible person and would have done him a huge favor by just getting out of his life, I also realize I don't really have that option, not without hurting him more than I already have -- and I really don't want to do that.

So, even though he refused to read HN,HN (though I did), we both filled out all the questionnaires and gave them to each other.

What I'm trying to figure out, is how we could possibly save this marriage.

Several of our ENs are directly contrary to one another. He wants more physical contact (affection, sex), as well as recreational companionship, and some other things but I don't actually have the list in front of me right now.

Thing is, the recreational companionship thing is impossible. We've both tried doing things the other enjoys, to no avail. He is completely bored by things like singing karaoke, roleplaying games, television dramas, and the other stuff I'm into. Likewise, I have no interest whatsoever in pointless toilet humor, first-person shooter type video games, or hearing how "stupid" most other people are.

Second, I dislike just about anything physical. I have no libido whatsoever, no interest in sex whatsoever. I'm also uncomfortable with other sorts of affection, because for him (a man), affection is what you do /in preparation for/ sexual activity. So, I feel like if I allow him to kiss me/hold me/touch me, etc, that I'm also obligated to engage in sexual activity with him.

Now, all that being said. I've told him that I do understand that it is my duty as a wife to fulfill the sexual need for him, and all he has to do is tell me and I'll.. you know.. do my thing. But then he just gets angry because I don't want to.

So.. it's 12:30am and I know I'm rambling a bit, I'm not even sure what I'm asking, really.

I suppose, for starters, how can a couple go about meeting each other's ENs if some of them are directly contrary to one another? (ie: I want him to stop touching me, he wants more touching)

I have more examples, but I already know this is getting a smidgeon longer than I had intended.

And in case you're wondering about the OM #4 that I almost ran off to, yes, I've cut that "relationship" off. Although H and I both feel that online relationships aren't real, and thus are perfectly allright (no like sexchatting or anything like that, though), I fully realize that any man whom I give the power to hurt my husband isn't someone I should have around..

I've been trying to fill my days since cutting OM4 off with keeping busy, running errands, getting housework done, doing repairs on the car, getting in shape, etc. But the marriage is still stagnant, I have to do something to repair the damage I've caused, but I'm once again at a loss for what to do. (I'm also confused by the fact that he doesn't seem ANGRY at me.. shouldn't he be? why wouldn't he be?)

Any insight anybody might have would be greatly appreciated....

Holy smokes, an unfoggy WS. You are one of a kind here. Stick with us and we will figure this out. There must be something that you like to do together.

You may be depressed, or have hormone problems, which would explain the desire not to have SF. Or you may be angry at your H.

Have you tried any counseling? Also you could get some of your needs met by going out with female friends. Do you have friends that you can do things with?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Holy smokes, an unfoggy WS. You are one of a kind here. Stick with us and we will figure this out. There must be something that you like to do together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Um. There's a television show that we both like, and we enjoy watching it, as well as discussing the characters. That's all I can think of, and I've been thinking about this for, well, ever since I NC'd the OM, and that was.. a week and a half ago, I think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You may be depressed, or have hormone problems, which would explain the desire not to have SF. Or you may be angry at your H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not angry at him. I have nothing to be angry at him about. If you read my previous posts from last year, you'll see that I had things to be angry about, but all of that's been resolved. I do not find any faults with H anymore, in fact I find him to be a very attractive and intelligent young man (although thoughts about whether or not this marriage should have ever happened abound)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Have you tried any counseling? Also you could get some of your needs met by going out with female friends. Do you have friends that you can do things with? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no friends here. H is in the army and we're at his training base. We could possibly move any day now, so trying to make friends only to possibly leave them seems a silly idea. So as far as friends go, the internet is all I have.

We have considered the counseling route, but it seems that train always gets derailed. There are no problems with him specifically, it's my own behaviors that are causing the problem. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist once a month, and have my first meeting with a therapist the second weekend in June (and yes, that's the earliest I was able to get :/)

Okay, when you move, you need to get hooked up with some women. Women need other women, no man will do. Men just can't meet all of a woman's needs.

Part of your problem may be not having friends to talk to. Also do you have a lot of childhood issues that you need to address?

Stick with us, we will figure this out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, when you move, you need to get hooked up with some women. Women need other women, no man will do. Men just can't meet all of a woman's needs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Slight problem with that.. I'm a recovering BiSexual.. I'm even /more/ likely to do something 'bad' with a female friend than a guy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Part of your problem may be not having friends to talk to. Also do you have a lot of childhood issues that you need to address?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have plenty of friends! They're just, er, all asleep right now. It is 1:30am, after all.

As for childhood issues, um, I don't believe so. I don't remember much of my childhood anymore, really. That's a little strange considering I'm only 23, but for the most part I can remember about 10 years or so back and that's it.

Y&L,

You said a few things that don't make a lot of sense to me. But, let me start by saying that you are a very young woman, and I think you need to stop hunting for something and realize that you will see, learn, and experience many good things in your life, in their due time.

You stated </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Second, I dislike just about anything physical. I have no libido whatsoever, no interest in sex whatsoever. I'm also uncomfortable with other sorts of affection, because for him (a man), affection is what you do /in preparation for/ sexual activity. So, I feel like if I allow him to kiss me/hold me/touch me, etc, that I'm also obligated to engage in sexual activity with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok no libido, but you have had a PA? You are uncomfortable with other sorts of affection but you have had many EA's? Due you see the disconnect here?

Now you could run from your marriage and your H, but it seems to me you have some issues to address no matter what man or woman you are with. Since you feel your H is a nice guy why not stay with him and address your issues via counseling. You said you have some scheduled, use it, give this some time.

You also said you are a "recoverying bisexual". I did not know that bisexuality was something you recovered from. More importantly if you decide to be faithful to your H, it doesn't matter what your sexual persuasion is. YOu clearly can meet his needs and he can meet yours.

I find it interesting that a lady as young as you doesn't remember your childhood. It suggests to me that something traumatic happened to you. When you go to counseling you might want to mention that you don't recall your childhood. I think a good counselor will want to examine that to see if your lack of memory is connected to your issues today.

Meanwhile be very honest to your H. Take good care of him, because all of this has left him quite damaged. BUT, also let him take care of you because while you might not realize this, what you have been doing with the EA's and the PA, has hurt you alot.

You do need friends, and YOU NEED SLEEP. Go to bed Y&L get a good nights sleep.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok no libido, but you have had a PA? You are uncomfortable with other sorts of affection but you have had many EA's? Due you see the disconnect here?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, the PA occured while I was intoxicated. *not that I think that in any way condones my behavior* but, when under the influence, my desire gets.. strange.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You also said you are a "recoverying bisexual". I did not know that bisexuality was something you recovered from. More importantly if you decide to be faithful to your H, it doesn't matter what your sexual persuasion is. YOu clearly can meet his needs and he can meet yours.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, the thing is, to be honest, I think I'll always be attracted to women.. BUT.. being Christian and all, that's not something I'm "allowed" to admit to myself.. so I'm trying to "cure" the "disease" through therapy.. you see?

As for being able to meet each other's needs, you're half-right. Either I can meet his (which is what I've been doing the past week..), or he can meet mine. But since so many are the direct opposites of each other, I'm not sure how we could meet EACH OTHER'S needs at the same time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I find it interesting that a lady as young as you doesn't remember your childhood. It suggests to me that something traumatic happened to you. When you go to counseling you might want to mention that you don't recall your childhood. I think a good counselor will want to examine that to see if your lack of memory is connected to your issues today.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well.. I have a bad memory in general, anyway. I can remember a whole decade back, that's a long time! My mother is also of the belief that I have a repressed childhood memory. In fact, she's told me about it. To be frank, if that really happened, I'd rather not remember it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Meanwhile be very honest to your H. Take good care of him, because all of this has left him quite damaged. BUT, also let him take care of you because while you might not realize this, what you have been doing with the EA's and the PA, has hurt you alot.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it's only hurt me cuz I've hurt him. Well, that, and the hurt I cause the other guys when I cut them off. Despite what my actions seem to dictate, I'm not fond of hurting people, it rather goes against my "normal" behavior. And well... as for /him/ helping /me/... heh. I dunno. I kinda deserve to be in some pain after the crappy stuff I've done, don't you think? I'd rather take my punishment and live through it then 'heal' and leave myself free to repeat the same mistakes.. again.

When you are healed, you won't make the same mistakes again. How long have you been married?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> When you are healed, you won't make the same mistakes again. How long have you been married? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It'll be two years next month.

You seem like a very kind person to me. You are doing these things to meet some kind of need. You just have to figure out what that need is.

It probably has nothing to do with sex.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> You seem like a very kind person to me. You are doing these things to meet some kind of need. You just have to figure out what that need is.

It probably has nothing to do with sex. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wholeheartedly agree. The PA only happened once, and that was almost a year ago, and the remorse I felt afterwards has pretty much sealed in me a desire to never do /that/ again. Really, the EA's are the only recurring behavior..

and in re-reading over the EN questionnaires, really.. it's kind of sad. i don't seem to have much of a need for recreational companionship, affection, admiration, SF, conversation.. I mean, really all /I/ want is domestic support, financial support, and, well, to be left alone.. I don't want him to touch me, I don't want him to keep talking to me about insignifigant.. junk... heh.

Obviously I'm focusing more on what he wants then what I want. Because, well, frankly, what I want isn't much at all, he's the one that's been losing out lately.

Here's another thought..

I never realize I'm in an EA until /after/ it's already happened..

What are some things I could look for /before/ it gets to that point??

I think that is fairly normal. Most people get into an EA without even realizing it.

Have you always had very few needs? Have you ever been in love with a man before?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> I think that is fairly normal. Most people get into an EA without even realizing it.

Have you always had very few needs? Have you ever been in love with a man before? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I used to be very needy, but I've outgrown a lot of that since I came here with those original posts. I used to want/require a lot, and now I don't want that much at all, and it's being smothered with all this stuff that's making me unhappy. I'll bear it, though, because ATM it's more important for him to be happy than me. Because let's face it, if I can't be happy when he's doing everything right, then I really am the problem here.

As for the love question... no, not according to this quiz I took this past february (at familylife.com).

But then, I've been married two years. It's not like I'm going to feel like I did when we first dated again, that's unrealistic. I just need to make him happy, and find ways to fulfill his ENs without driving myself bonkers in the process.

You seem kind of depressed to me. I don't think your H is meeting your needs and maybe you have given up and just saying you have no needs.

You are young and seem to realize that your actions are not helping you, so that is very good. You just have to figure out why all of this is happening.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
You are young and seem to realize that your actions are not helping you, so that is very good. You just have to figure out why all of this is happening. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Easier said than done, I suppose.. *sighs*

H has to get up for work in 30mins, I'm gonna go try to lie down for a bit so at least I'm there when he wakes up...

Okay, get some rest if you can. And try to have some hope that this can be figured out, and life can be good for you again.