I will be returning from my training exercise within a couple of days. I have decided to tell OMW - but when? Do I ask my W to send NC letter again - last time she said she wasn't sure she could do that yet. Do I give her a little more time after we are back together for a while - meaning - Does she get another chance, or do I just contact OMW? Should I tell her I am contacting OMW or just do it? Do I contact OM also?

Looking for experience MB advice... I am prepared to do all of it, and know any of it will be considered a LB by my W. Is there a "right" time or not?

Apache -

Don't stress about it, just do it. I would not tell wife that you are going to do it. Just make the contact. Do not contact OM - that would be bad. He has no respect for you or your marriage.

Yes your wife will be mad, but letting OM's W know is one of the consequences of your wife having an affair.

My H told OM's W last week.

I have posted on this board (GQII) "My H told OM's wife this morning" and on In Recovery "H's exposure of OM to OM's W knocked OM out of my head".

There's some very interesting responses to the second post. The first post I was too dazed to think of much. H did it with my blessing to move us both forward.

Jenny

I don't know what MB principals are, but I've just experienced this. I contacted OWH and we had a lengthy conversation, yet it backfired. He ended up calling my H and telling him to tell me not to contact him again...This guy and OW are truly a great match don't know why they are divorcing! This made my H angry that I had called OWH, but oh well. My H has refused to give up contact also. What is with these people? Is your WS still living at home?

From what I've read about A they tend to thrive in secrecy. Exposure is the key to ending them. I believe you should contact OMW asap. Obviously you don't know what reaction you will get and your WS may get mad. But if your WS is still involved in A this will give them something to talk about that is not pleasant for them. IMO it is better for them to talk about exposure than planning there next romantic meeting.

Apache, the sooner the better in contacting the OMW. And whatever you do, don't tell your W you are going to do this beforehand. You can tell her afterwards if you want, but there is really no purpose.

Leave the onus on her to tell you if she knows. The reason the WS should not be told beforehand is because they often warn the OP, who will then spin the story to the OPW before you call. And the spin is always designed to make you look like a nut. ie: "I spurned this guys wife so she told him I came onto him and now he wants to kill me, blah blah, blah..."

I would not recommend contacting the OM at this point. There really is no good reason to do so.

I don't think your W is ready to send the nc letter yet so asking her will be of no avail now. I would wait a few weeks after you contact the OMW to ask her again. Blowing the cover off her affair to the OMW might bring her that point. One step at a time.....

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Do not contact the OM, he does not respect you or your marriage.

Do not tell your w of your plan. This will give her time to tell the OM and together they will fabricate some story about you being a revengeful nut etc. etc. Don't give them this ammunition.

I would write a letter to the OMW. Tell her what you know and include details. Tell her that you are doing this to try to salvage your marriage. Tell her that you are sorry for any pain that this revelation may cause, but KNOW that their decision to engage in an A was just that, THEIR decision. You are not the cause of any pain. I would hand deliver it to her to be sure that she reads it before her H has a chance to intercept it.

Note that kiwi's H did this and she was actually relieved, she has been there.

The A can continue to thrive in secrecy, exposing it will be the best for everyone even if neither marriage survives.

Expect your W to be angry. Just one of the consequences of her poor decisions.

Exposing the affair is like the splitting open of an infected wound. It's disgusting, ugly and painful. As the infection drains, it can begin to heal.

You are doing the right thing. I will pray for you, Ladysing

apache - what is your sense of your wife's willingness to end the affair?

You wrote, "last time she said she wasn't sure she could do that yet" in reference to her writing a NC letter.

Was this a put-off or a sincere "I need to get ready." (I realize I'm stretching here.)

My point is that if she is THAT close to ending it the right way, you should allow her to do it the right way - sending a NC letter to both OM and his wife.

But, if she's sitting on the fence, I agree with the others to expose as soon as possible.

The only reason to contact OM is to clear the air that your wife is actually married and you have no intention of divorce. If he already knows this, don't contact him.

See my old post, "On Contacting the OP" which I bumped up for shul yesterday. It may be on the second or third page by now.

WAT

Worthatry-
I think my W is on the fence as far as ending the affair. What I mean is, I don't think she has contacted the OM, but may be waiting for him to contact her again. She told me she has not had any contact with him for a few weeks, but if he did contact her and wanted to get together - she probably would.

I have not been home with her for 3 weeks either, so if she has had no contact with OM and has had only phone contact with me - she is probably feeling very alone and is vulnerable to attempted contact with OM. Right now, she says she only sees much hurt between us and is hhaving trouble seeing a positive outlook for us.

Launch the nuke.

ROGER!

Tell us your plans so we can double check you. Many clear thinking heads are better than one BS head.

Apache,
I second the opinion of those that say tell her now and don't tewll your W ahead of time. Take it from me I made both mistakes.

After my DD of EA, I told W about MB. We discussed some of the concepts including NC letter and disclosure to the OP's S. That led to my W agreeing to NC letter so long as I didn't call OM's W. I was so happy to have NC I foolishly agreed.

Over the next 18 months I felt very guilty that the OM's W was clueless. She thought she was married to a great guy. (This guy really likes to be the White Knight. He sees himself as having all of the qualities associated with chivalry)

Even when he broke NC I didn't call her.

Finally when my wife admitted "well no it was more that a special friendship. We did have sex....."

I was faced with the fact that we had just gone through 18 months of false recovery with more lies heaped on to the already staggering pile. I also realized that the OM's W in not knowing the truth couldn't decide for herself what she wanted to do. I also realized that the OM had not had one serious consequence for messing with and potentially destroying my family's life.

So I called her. Over the phone I layed out all of the facts which were overwhelming. Since we had never spoken before and also since she had not ever had reason to distrust her H, she didn't believe me. She said that she'd ask her H. ??!!

I called back the next day and sure enough her H had talked her out of it. He had said that I had "always had it in for him." (I barely knew him. He was a co-worker of W's before our M)He did admit to a close special friendship akin to an EA. "In another time and place, it may have gotten to that point but it didn't" Finally after another conversation she believed it.

So...if I had it do over I would have driven to her house and rang the doorbell and asked to speak with her a minute. That way she could have seen and heard some of the evidence. Plus she would have seen the pained expression on my face.

I spoke to her one last time after she believed. She was so grateful to me for disclosing the truth. She said," I would have blindly believed that I had the perfect M when in fact it needed alot of work."

Telling the OP's S has one other benefit. You have an ally in monitoring NC. If only one spouse knows it is much easier for the W couple to continue to sneak around. They can further underground.

Good luck.

Cwmac

Just to go back to hurtnp...how do you know that the OWH said those things to your H? Your H told you? Sounds fishy...

Worthatry-
I plan on calling OMW and teling her everything I have discovered and what my W has told me.

Also - this has been a terrible afternoon. My mind has been consumed with thoughts of my W and OM. It makes me angry when I think of how my W has been somewhat reserved when it comes to sex. The last time we were intimate - she was absolutely NOT reserved. The fact that the A with the OM has allowed her to be something I have craved for 11 years really hurts. How can she have done this terrible thing and share something that was supposed to only be for me - and to have finally lost her reserved disposition - with OM!! Right now I am angry and just want to forget her. One of my top ENs and she blossoms with someone else's husband! ARRGGG!!!
How am I going to get past this??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> I don't know what MB principals are, but I've just experienced this. I contacted OWH and we had a lengthy conversation, yet it backfired. He ended up calling my H and telling him to tell me not to contact him again...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who told you he called your H? I find this very hard to believe that he called your H and I would verify this story with the OWM. Its irrational to think he would work AGAINST himself and give up this resource to the enemy. That makes no sense. This could easily be a concocted tale they are using to keep you from contacting him. And they may have told him a similar whopper. Please call him and verify this story.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Apache -
You will have lots of moments when you think of things like that. You just have to realize that for women, usually it is emotional needs that are not being met, it is not about sex, when they stray.
I would think she is feeling guilty, and trying to make it up to you, so she is giving you what she thinks you want.

believer-
I'm not so sure that's the truth in this case. Since I discovered the A she has made many statements which lead me to believ it was, in addition to other ENs, about her sexual freedom. Before the A, she would say she could never imagine doing "it" with someone else - she doesn't have to even imagine that now - she lived it.
Now she says she wished she had "sewn her wild oats" before she met me (she knows I sewed mine because early in our dating that subject came up and I told her the truth), and she needed to experience / expand her boundaries because she felt trapped. She said she was tired of being the "good" southern girl - she sure ain't anymore.

She was seeing a IC while I was deployed and now she says she think he gave her bad advice. Apparently, she told him her feelings about her marriage and that she wanted to be "more". This happened while she was in the throws of her A. She says the IC told her, based on what she said in her sessions, that she needed to divorce me. She was taking motorcycle lessons (the IC let her borrow his motorcycle all summer when she was taking the class) and doing other activities to expand herself. From what she says now - even if the IC didn't know about the A - what he did say helped her justify it.

I really don't know if I want to trust her again after this. Days like today make me wonder. Why do I want to be married to someone who, when in a rut, cannot be trusted with a life long commitment. What if she wants to sew her wild oats again - I'm not gonna' hang around for that.

What she has said may just still be "fog" talk, but I'm really not sure.

Of course it is fogtalk. I could never imagine doing it with someone other than my H. Even though he has been with OW for a year, I still have remained faithful to him.

So I'm sure that is your real wife. She just slipped and got emotionally attached to this guy. Now she is having problems coming out of the fog. When she does, she will be very remorseful.

I have blissfully trusted her for 11, almost 12 years. I am still asking myself why I want to be with someone who threw her marriage vows out the window while I went off to war. She was someone's piece of a$$ while I was just trying to keep mine from being shot.

Why should I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is so self-absorbed, so selfish that she can't see the big picture. Or at least be trustworthy in the closest realationship in her life. Someone who justifies the A by saying "I didn't thiink you were coming home alive". Soldiers in WWII were gone almost 4 years and they came home alive - it was a much bigger and more violent war.

You know how good it makes me feel to know that when I had tough days and thought only of getting home to my wife (she was my only motivation when I could find no other) she was out F***ing somebody's husband - expanding her boundries. I am finding it hard right now to find any redeeming qualities in my W.