I commend everyone of you who have the patience of a saint. Everyday I think I can't do this anymore. I need an answer now. In my case the OW leaves department in 8 days. H states he is trying to decide whether to stay with me or pursue her. He is trying with me. I think that is a joke as how can he see if we have anything if he isn't over her and wants to be with her. She is married with a child. I am also 6 months pregnant. I don't know how long I can wait for this decision. Currently we do everything the same as before: dinner, movies, ect. I don't think he should have all the time in the world to decide. I need to know to plan the future of my babies life. (day care, time off, finances). I think I am going to see in another month. What do you think??

Durham76 -

I don't know that I can offer any miracle advice for you but I can relate. It is hard. My husband is also with me trying but he is not sure if he can make this work or not. He wants to be "in love". We do everything together and he is trying but can't make a single decision about the future. I also feel that I can't do this for very long. However I believe that WS is in the fog and has yet to see the light. When was your DDay?? My counselor encouraged me to make a limit for myself to help me get through the days. I figure I can give my all to this and wait for him for about 6 months. I will reevaluate at that point if things are better.

You are doing great. Try to focus on yourself and your new baby. It is hard but keep posting here and get support.

durham, refresh my memory here. Didn't you refuse to expose this affair to her husband when it was suggested?

I am getting closer to telling. It is really hard. I have prayed about it quite a bit. I have tried not to worry about their life and focus on my own. I don't want to cause them pain just because I feel pain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> I am getting closer to telling. It is really hard. I have prayed about it quite a bit. I have tried not to worry about their life and focus on my own. I don't want to cause them pain just because I feel pain. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, if you can't do hard things, then how do you expect to save your marriage? You should tell him because a) he has a right to know he is being destroyed behind his back and b) it will help end the affair from that end.

Believe me, it will cause huge troubles between your H and the OW.

Exposing is not easy, but if you are looking for the easy way out, then you have to be satisfied with the status quo. I am sure the OW appreciates your help in concealing their affair.

I too don't feel i can offer any expert advice but can't stress enough about the exposure especially due to the fact you're pregnant. If you haven't had any counseling whether it is just by yourself or not you should do so ASAP! If at all possible so it w/SH from MB at least for 2 sessions. I think SH would say that you need to treat the situation w/a sense of urgency as well but i can't truly speak for him. keep up the prayers and know that many are praying for you as well. God Bless.

Durham,

I can sort of understand your hesitation of exposing the A and I'm one who does not like confrontation either and often it is not really wise to contact the OW/OM at all, BUT in your case, I would not hesitate at all to contact the OW's H. He needs to know what his wife is doing behind his back and decide if this is the kind of life that he wants to continue to lead, just like you are considering for yourself and the future of your baby.

It is so difficult to make things work when WH is still in the fog, but the more pressure you can put on the A, the better it will be for YOU. You don't have to go into details with the OW's H, but you subtly let him know about the relationship between your H and his wife and let him know that you would like to stay married to YOUR husband and you would like the marriage to work out. That's all. You H will probably be made that you exposed his A, but it is going to change the dynamics of the A considerably when all in a sudden the bright light shines on them.

I wish you the best and good luck with your baby. Please take care of yourself FIRST! You need it.

Kati

Would you still expose the A if you feel it is over and that he is just trying to decide who to be with. I think you are all right. I just haven't found the courage. My life is sooo bad right now I don't want a single other problem to deal with. The other thing is that her H works with them. I don't want him to go crazy. I think I am going to do it because what do I have to lose at this point. My H states he needs to decide if he can love me again or pursue her. I have to believe she has stated she will be with him if he just says the magic words. She is leaving the department where they work together in 8 days. Should I wait until she leaves?

another way to look at it is what if down the road you were to look back and say "if i had only told the OW's H maybe that would have made a difference." and all of us Bs want to be able to look back and say we did all we could. as far as timing, whether to do it after she leaves, i don't know but sending prayers to you.

I think you shouldn't wait to tell OW's H. I told my OW's parents (she lives with them) and although they already knew, I think her daddy was surprized when I told him they didn't use protection. Anyway, it made the A more uncomfortable and difficult for OW and that's always a good thing. She sent us a no contact voice mail a few days later, but I don't expect her to keep it. Turns out she's trying to volunteer for a summer project with my WH's company - by applying through other company members.

How are you and baby? I am 30 weeks right now and went bowling with WH and a bunch of friends last night. Actually had fun and acted silly for a few hours.

My ob wanted a shrink to analyze me to make sure I was ok and he said the A has given me a psycological cold. I can still function fine, just everything is a little bit slower and harder. A different type of head cold....

Read about Plan A. Everything should NOT be the same as it was pre-A. There was a reason the M was ripe for an A, what was it? And what can you do to change the situation?

In Plan A, number 1 is expose the A. Firstly that means OW's H...you have 8 days...hurry up!
Number 2 is cut out all LB's. And number 3 is fulfill H's top three EN's.

All this and be pregnant too...

I don't want to cause them pain just because I feel pain.
[sarcasm mode on]
Oh, I get it now. It's YOUR fault they are having an affair.
I can see why you would not want to expose it. It will show that you are really the person to blame for the affair.
[sarcasm mode off]
The truth is not what hurts or causes pain.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> The other thing is that her H works with them. I don't want him to go crazy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A PERFECT exposure situation!!!!

You ought to go to their workplace and expose it while they're all together!!!

durham, you're wasting time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Would you still expose the A if you feel it is over and that he is just trying to decide who to be with. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he's trying to decide who to be with, it ain't over.

WAT

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> Would you still expose the A if you feel it is over and that he is just trying to decide who to be with. Should I wait until she leaves? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The affair is NOT over. He is fence sitting! And NO do not wait until she leaves. If you afraid of hurting you H, think about howmuch he is hurting YOU and that baby righ tnow. Tell the OW H..He has a right to know.

My H said he didn't knwo if he wanted me back either, less than a month ago. Today he is falling in love with me again. This program WORKS if you stick with it. It does not hapen overnight and you must be patient. I am not saying I am a saint, cuz believe me I have had my mments. But the BS has got to have the patience to deal with it. YOu can either save your M or work on divorce and raising that baby alone. I would much rather save my marriage.

I hope you and baby are fine. I know the pain you are in right now!

Durham -

I am so sorry you are going through all of this while you are pregnant. I want you to know that the people on this site know what they are talking about. When we tell you to expose we realize that this is not an easy request but we also know that without it your pain will only be prolonged.

WAT sent me an email requesting that I post to you. I guess he saw the similarities in our stories and he knows the out come of mine.

I am a BS. My H is in the military and had an A with his boss. We have 2 children and have been married 10 years. The very first thing the MB site taught me was that I needed to expose the A fast. I was reluctant to expose because of the way the military views A's amongst the ranks...it's poison and the punishment is grave.

The thought of my H being dishonorably discharged from the military, court marshalled and possible jail time was my biggest reason for not exposing right off the bat. I never told OW's H. Sure I told his father and some of my friends. But I never told his chain of command.

I lived in hell on earth for months. I was ready to throw in the towel...and I do not mean saving my marriage...I was ready to quit on life in general. The pain was much for me to take. I couldn't live with what was happening to me and my children and the family I had worked so hard to build.

That said...I came to this site for support. Everyone told me to expose. I was offered suggestions of exposure on how best to go about it to avoid such a harsh impact on my H's career. I still wouldn't do it. I was terrified.

I assume this is how you feel now. You are hurt, confused and more than anything in this world you do not want to make your H mad at you. That is understandable. He might be mad, yes that is a possiblity. But you have to understand that you are fighting for you M and your family right now. This battle is not an easy one and it's for sure not for people without spines. You came to this site, that's a good sign that you are willing to learn how to keep your family together. Let us show you how these principles work.

I'll go back to telling you what exposure did for me. (I still haven't disclosed on this site how exposure happened but I will tell you now if you are interested...I'm not scared anymore)

OW's H came to my house and confronted my H. My H was honest with him. OW was an basket case and denied everything. My H discounted her story and apologized to her H. It was a lot more dramatic then I can express here but this is what exposure led to for me. That afternoon after OW and her H left my house (front yard...I wouldn't let her in my house) it was like the fog lifted from my H. He was on the floor crying and telling me how sorry he was. He didn't realize just how stupid he had been. Even though the A had been over for months (I couldn't prove that) he was still in the fog as he worked with OW and they continued to have a friendship. I couldn't handle this which is what lead to exposure being my only option.

So he was in the floor crying...I was just confused. The very next day he walked into his commander's office and told the entire story. He requested the punishment deemed necessary for the situation and accepted responsibility for his actions. He told OW that she was wrong for saying the things she had said to me the day before. He said he messed up and he had admitted to it and was trying everything he could to make this up to me.


Durham this was the beginning of my recovery. Without exposure I would not be where I am today. I only wish I had listened to the people on this site sooner. I was just so terrified. I didn't think I was strong enough.

Please, for the sake of your unborn child, expose this now. Do not wait a moment longer. If you need an exposure plan ask us. We will help you formulate one. You have 3 months to get on the path to recovery. You still have a chance to welcome this baby into the world with a happy family and a happy home.

I will pray for you to have the strength to do what I did. You can do this.

I'll try to find the link to my "Angel of exposure for Hero" thread. I think you will find that helpful.

I had the same thought as you did. I did not want to expose. Then I finally confronted him and told his family and some friends. He was mad, I mean MAD. He denied and denied. I kept looking for evidence, once day I found the text message OW sent him, finally he confessed to me. He said that it is over between them, but it is over between me and him too.

Well, we are still in limbo. I don't know whether he is still with OW. But the point is that he knew my position and how hurt I am. It is not worse than not expose, that is what I can say. I wish I can have HW's result, I followed her story all a long. I may go to plan B soon. But I do not regret for exposure.

Exposure will be deminished if you wait until she leaves. My thoughts are that if you expose now while she is there she will not be able to hide from the reality.

If you wait until she is gone you will give her the chance to hide her face.

Let me paint a picture for you and you tell me what you think:

You walk into H's office 6 months pregnant. You confront H and OW. Now to the rest of the office (if they do not already know) will be shocked. Chance are OW will immediately try to defend herself. She may even lash out at you. Now how does that look to your H? Here's his wife being verbally attacked by OW all the while she is caring his baby. That will work wonders for lifting the fog. You go in there with calmness. You will be nervous but you will not yell and scream. Your words will have less of an impact if you do. They will see you as hysterical.

What if your H walks out and leaves you standing there? Well you will have to hold your head high and know that you did the right thing. Exposure will bring the light the fantasy world they have been living in. They will see the looks in the eyes of the people the work with and wont' be able to hide from the facts of what they've done.

From there they can make the choice to make it right (or make an attempt to make it right) or they can blame the world for their mistakes and live unhappy unfullfilling lives. I'd bet money on the first scenario coming true.

Are you OK? How's the baby? Have you spoke to your OB about getting some anti-d's? I think you need something to keep you calm.

Exposure for me was very stomach churning. I felt like I would vomit at any time before during and after. I kept to the facts and strayed from showing too many emotions.

Do you think you can do this? What are your reservations?

Good stuff, HW.

I, too, had the vision of durham showing up in her Motherly way at the workplace of her H, OW, and OWH.

What a perfect setting. I can't think of a MORE perfect exposure setting. Extremely powerful.

durham, you may not even have to speak. Just find OW and stand there for a moment, then find her H and say, loud enough for others to hear, "Your wife is having an affair with my husband. Please keep her away from my family." (Of course, we all here know he can't keep her away from anything, but the point will have been made.)

If you can remain calm, EVERYONE seeing this will immediately respect and admire you for doing the right thing.


Melodrammatic? Perhaps.

Effective? Absolutely.

I'm not saying this is the way you have to do it, or even should do it.

Just do it.

WAT

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT -

That's perfect. My thought is that Durham, you do not even go to your H first. Go to OW first. Stand there and make sure she sees you. Then walk straight to OWH and very calmly state the facts and have proof to offer. You never know, she may deny and he may believe her. I honestly think that he already has an idea that something is going on. If your H knows you know then she knows you know and that means she's worried you will tell her H.

Also be prepared for OW to have prepped her H that you are some crazy woman that is jealous of her friendship with your H. If this is the case then your being calm and collected during this confrontation is key here. Speak quickly and state the facts. Offer proof and then leave it at that. Do not let her bring you to her level by getting into a screaming bout. Your words will be more effective if you say what you have to say and then leave it at that.

Does that make any sense at all?

I exposed my H affair by calling the Nursing Home where OW works...H rounds there once a week. It was 11:00 PM on a Friday night. I called and spoke to whomever answered the phone. I said:

me: this is Mrs. WH, Dr. WH wife...is there a OW that works there...

nurse: yes, ma'm there is...

me: Did you know she is with my H!

nurse: no ma'am I didn't...I dont listen to the gossip that goes on here. I am sooo sorry!

And the conversation when on from there. She gave me her schedule and several names to call the next day. Funny thing is, that OW got several phone calls that night asking about it. I dont know the whole story behind that, but that is how I exposed it.

Please expose this BEFORE she leaves. It might save your marriage int eh long run!