It has been a while since I last posted. I dont post to often anymore but I read the boards daily. Why I dont post anymore, well because I should have been in Plan B a very long time ago. The wonderful veterans and others here have helped me temenderously even though I have not been able to follow all the advice given here. I want them to know they have helped me get to the point I am now. So why am I here now-I guess the title says it and I desperately need someone to talk to to continue on the path I have chosen.
First my vent. Well where does a BS begin so many things to vent about. I guess right now my biggest problem, besides the fact my WH has 2 OWs and cant committ to our marriage, is that I have to be the strong one. I am tired of being the strong one, but that is what I have become. Oddly enough, my strength is what attracted my WS to me 7 years ago when we first met. So what have I learned, just like so many posters says-go back to the beginnning, do the things you did while dating. So even though since D-Day I have felt like my knee caps were crushed by a baseball bat ( yes I am Italian, I am being the strong one. It took me almost a year after D-Day to finally be able to become the person I have always been again. I am doing the best I can to keep it together and take care of everything. Not that I feel my WS wants it that way, right now I am just the better person for the job.
Something else I need to vent about is how our whole relationship to some extent has been re-written by WS. I know it is part of the FOG but is still hard to swallow. But how do I deal with now as opposed to say 2 months ago, I just let WS talk, no more defending myself, stating how I remember things. I stopped this because WS would get angry at me and say "only Lisa's feelings matter here not mine." So now I have started to really listen to WS and validate his feeling when I feel it is apporiate. Since I have been doing this he seems more interested in my feelings. I dont share a lot with WS regarding our M anymore and it has seemed to bother him a bit.
Reflections-D-Day was 2/14/03. Would anything have been different if I threww his sorry a$$ out that night? Dont know and never will. Our lives were already spiraling out of control by then, I just didnt know why. Our lives went out of control in Oct. 2002, about the same time my WS's EA became a PA. Our business viturally collasped. Bills not getting paid, car payments, house payments, business payments all 2-3 months behind. Hanging on by our teeth from month to month, all the while WS having his affairs. Would this be any different if I had trew him out, I stating to believe not, things were already to far gone. Where has this led us to personal bankruptcy in my name to save everything and keep a roof over our kids heads. I am still not sure if I am handling this right, but at least I am focused on what is important now. That is getting through the bankruptcy hearing so we dont lose everything, rebuilding our business and the most important my children. My children have gotten back their mother the past 2 months. Once again my biggest regret is that it took so long. Yes I know I cant beat myself up about it-so much has happened and continues to happen. I even had to deal with a post D-Day pregancy that ended in a miscarriage in Aug. 2003.
More reflections-I now know that once I made up my mind to regain myself and become the person I know I am, dealing with this whole situation became easier. No dont get me wrong, I am not going to live the rest of my life like this but I am damn determined to take care of the most important things in my life right now without dealing with WS drama. I also realize i can not change or control my WS, and have totally stopped trying to. Practically since I met him, he was my hero, I had so much admiration toward him. Oddly enough WS has told me this bothers him. He has said he can not be my everything, and feels like he lets me down all the time and has done nothing but mess up and complicated my life. I dont agree but realize my WS is not immortal but just human. This has helped me deal with the pain.
Where will we been in 6-12months. God only knows. Hopefully our kids will remain happy and healthy, our business will back to what it was pre-A, and with many prayers maybe in recovery.
Other thoughts- On the negative side WS is involved with 2OW. His lack of remorse and unwillingness to commit to our M is maddening. I guess him being involved with 2OW could be positive also-he is unwilling to commit to anyone and neither of them in my eyes are "special" to him since there is 2 of them. He is depressed and worries all the time and has difficulty sleeping at night. We are still living together because we are bound to that because of the past years finanicial difficulties. This is incredibly hard but I am doing it.
Positive side-the past month or so particulary since we have been working side by side to rebuild our business, we have gotten closer the constant power struggle between us has stopped. We have identified some pre-A issues and have discussed them and what they have meant to each other. I dont see the anger in his eyes when he looks at me. Working side by side and me being the stronger have seemed to bring us closer. I have detached with LOVE and I think WS is slowly starting to notice. Not sure if getting closer was my original intentions at this point, really just needed to detach to protect myself and remain strong for my family, but this side effect is nice. Dont get me wrong-WS is fully aware of my feeling and my intentions if this continues.
If you have made it this far into the post, thank you. Just wanted to share my thought with people I trust. Maybe I even start to post again, it just might make the road ahead easier.
God Bless
Lisa
