I think Pep did a very good job of it, and maybe I can say the same thing in different words and help you understand a little better.
a day that I dreaded but expected has come. My WW has asked me for a separation. It happens often. It doesn't help much because it is more difficult for you to meet needs, and if she stays in contact with OM, it prolongs the A, and or can lead to D. It is easier to do plan B with her gone, but you are not ready for that yet - I agree with Pep you should do a really good plan A. Just remember it isn't the end of the world, and you CAN still work on your M even if she is gone. You do what Pep said you should do.
W's mom died last Sept. and she is in the "life's too short to be unhappy" stage. We have 3 little girls, the youngest is 10 months old with developmental delay and has 5 therapists. We both still live at home. I have been in an excellent plan A for 2 months. We both see IC but no MC. It's kind of funny - she is doing something that will bring much sorrow, and thinks it is making her happy. That is, if you were not abusive. If you were abusive then she will be happier away from you. I don't have any Idea what your life was like before, but I want to hit all the angles.
Anyways, got a letter from her yesterday saying that it has been 3 months since she told me that she was questioning her feelings for me and nothing has changed. She hasn't been able to sleep for a month. She has been in contact with OM the whole time but they have decided to go NC for a while so both can work on their Ms. You are right - nothing has changed because she has been in contact all this time. It's kind of like continuing to smoke and being surprised that you are still addicted to cigarettes. Her feelings for OM won't start to fade until she stays away from him a good 3 to 6 months. Sometimes a little longer.
She tells me how OM met all of her needs and that she wanted him too. She may love the OM. She says that if our M ends, it won't be due to the OM but because she can't get any feelings back for me (NO KIDDING, how can you if you're involved with someone else). She says I deserve someone who feels about me the way I feel about them. An affair is a chemical addiction as well as an emotional one. I doubt she understands it very well at all, but she is trying to come up with some kind of an explanation so she doesn't look crazy. We call it fog talk- and it is part of the reason Pep suggested you be a lighthouse. You need to be steady and shine through the fog. You really can't tell her how it really is, because she doesn't want to hear it. Hence the advice to leave it alone and be a lighthouse. You want very much to find just the right words that will help her see - but a person with blinders on can't see things right in front of them, so you just have to do WHAT YOU CAN DO, and leave alone the THINGS YOU CAN'T DO. You can't change her mind with words right now.
She can't believe that I can forgive her (I do, I'm a Christian). She wants I trial separation so that she can "figure things out and see if she misses me". I haven't responded to her yet, she thinks that I will be the one to move out as I have asked her in the past if that's something she wants. However, I did not have the A and I will NOT move out. That's not fair to me or our girls. My Mom/Dad are retired and can give me all the help I need. Money is not a problem. I agree that you should not move out. You should consult a lawyer - and get a good aggressive one that knows how to play ball in the big leagues. She may accuse you of something and file a restraining order - it happens lots of times. Don't give her any idea of what you are doing to prepare, just do it, and be ready. Get the advice up front, and be ready for whatever happens. Don't move yourself - and don't support her and pay her bills if she moves. Plan A doesn't mean you do everything, or that there are no consequences for her having an A. It means you meet her needs as best you understand them - conversation, affection, admiration. You can still do some of these from a separation. Don't make it fake - that is, if you haven't bought her flowers for years, don't all of a sudden run out and buy them weekly. You can ask her on dates, you can email her and tell how the kids are doing. Do it with normal stuff, but do it more often, and be kind and caring. You can ask her over to watch her favorite TV show with you, you can have her to dinner on weekends. Read HNHN, if you haven't done so, and also SAA - see the bookstore on this site.
What do I do here?? How can you "work on the M if you're separated?? Do I consult a lawyer?? Do I insist on MC?? How long should a separation be?? I never thought our problems were so bad that we couldn't work them out. HELP ME PLEASE! Pep gave good examples of how to work on it, and I have give a few examples above. Yes consult a lawyer - for reasons given above, and also to protect your finances if she moves. There may be things you have to do in advance, and you need to know what they are. She needs to know what is going on as it happens, but not in advance.
"I just closed our joint account today, and here is your half of the money. I felt if you were leaving, I needed to give this to you."
The real reason is to protect you - can you see what I am getting at? Your Lawyer can help more with this than we can - this is just an example of something that might be necessary. Your lawyer can also help you know what kind of split would be best - you would probably get more if you keep the girls.
Don't be mean, or angry, but protect yourself and the girls.
A separation can last how ever long you want it to last. I mean, you have choices too. We have no idea what she will do, or what she is really thinking. Usually A's end within 18 months, but you may not last that long. For now, set a goal to go 6 months and then look at it again. It gives you something real to work for. It also gives you a safety valve when things get bad.
Your problems may be able to be worked out - you just have to play with what you are dealt. This next will be perhaps the biggest understatement you will ever hear-
This will be hard.
It may very well take all your energy for some months. It will be worth it either way. You have a good chance of success, and if she does leave in the end, you will know you did all that you could to save things, and your conscience will be clear.
I also recommend you call the Harleys for counseling ( this site.) They can help you with a long term plan, no matter if your W will talk to them or not. How much better will feel with a good plan in place to make your marriage work? How much better will you feel if you are have that plan to work on daily, and weekly?
We try to prepare you for the worst - and it sounds kind of bad to read all this stuff. You should always prepare for the worst, but there is hope, and you can hope for the best. I think you have a good chance if you do all that you can do. She hasn't said she is done, or that she gives up.
Please do let others know about the A. Sunlight helps kill them, and it needs to see the light of day. Not everyone, but friends an relatives. Tell them what has happened, and tell them you want to save your M, and ask for their help and support. Make sure OM's W knows, and ask her for help on her end with NC. Send her (OM's W) to this site, get her to read SAA also.
Do not send your W to this site yet, unless you want to give up the right to vent. You could get a copy of SAA and ask her if she would read it - sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't .
Now, the last thing is about you - and how you should be from now on. Have you ever seen a lighthouse that doubted it could do it's job?
You need to stand up, and shine like you are the best lighthouse in the world. You need to be strong, confident, - how do I get this across?
When she says she wants to move - you can cry about it ( and I know how it makes you feel, and am not trying to discount your feelings) or you can say something like this:
" I don't want you to leave, and it makes me sad to think of you being gone, but there is nothing I can do to keep you here against your will. I know I will be fine in the long run whatever you do - I just wish I could be fine with you rather than someone else."
You express regret for things you don't like, you don't agree with her about them, but you acknowledge her right to choose, and you go on with your life with strength and confidence.
Now, what is it about lighthouses you don't understand? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
SS
<small>[ April 21, 2004, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
