Hi all,

My WW is back home after about 3 weeks away. While I am happy she's back & she has said all the right things, I still have a lot of questions & mixed feelings.

1. She wants us to counsel with Marriage Builders, but I'm wondering if there is anything we can do ahead of time before we actually talk to an MB counselor? I have read SAA and am currently reading His Needs Her Needs. I've also read practically every article on this website (several times over). My wife has only read a couple of the MB articles of the "Coping with Infidelity" series. What can we do to prepare?

2. I am struggling with how to act now that she is home. I was beginning to get use to her not being home. I'm happy she's back, but I know she's going through withdrawal. She just returned on Monday (4/19/04) and we have not talked much in the last few days. She has been rather cold & distant. Even in bed she sleeps way over on the other side. I want to be nice, loving & caring, but a part of me is still angry at the whole affair & her leaving.

3. Trust is another. She claims she mailed him a break-up letter, but I have no proof of that. She didn't let me read it. She didn't even tell me she was going to mail one until I dragged it out of her. The only proof she has given me is the 2nd (secret) cell phone. She finally gave me the actual phone. I am wondering if I should insist on seeing her online statements & which e-mail it was going to. I'm sure she has secret e-mail accounts also. Should I ask to see those now, or wait for the MB counselor to ask her?

4. I am struggling with thoughts of her having sex with him. Although she has always denied having a PA, that fact that she has had a 14 month affair, lied to me many times and left us, leads me to believe they were having sex. Again I wonder if it is important her her to admit this? Should I ask her now or during counseling?

I wanted to thank MelodyLane and Just Learning for all their support & prayers. It made a huge difference. I couldn't have made it without your advice...God bless

Here's some things I have read will help:

Don't talk too much about the affair or even about your relationship (but don't avoid it altogether either - especially anytime SHE wants to talk about it). I've read that only about 1/5 or 20% of the conversation should be about realtionship. And you should try to spend time alone together - I read 15-20 hours per week. It's even a good idea to take a vacation together or even a night or two in a bed & breakfast. If kids and mnay are an issue maybe the kids can spend the night with friends so you two can be alone at home? The time you spend together should be fun time, save most of the serious talk for counseling.

You need to be shown the no contact letter. And if you don't like the way she worded something, then she should write another one that you see first and that you send together.

Also, there needs to be full accountability so she will need to allow you access to all her communications: e-mails, phone bills, passwords, etc. This part makes me uncomfortable but it is necessary.

I made hte mistake of letting my WH come home for one week at Christmas without him proving (just promising) that he had done or would do all that was necessary to end contact. He lied to me and was only home 6 days before going back to OW.

If you have kids this is even more important (although you will feel more tempted to let her come home because of the kids). You need to protect your kids form her coming and going. Making sure the affair is really over with no contact proven is how to protect yourself and the kids. My daughters were very angry with me when they found out I didn't make my husband PROVE everything he promised before I let him come home.

As far as your angry feelings go, you will have to vent them here. It's not fair, but it's the way it is. You will just have to accept that while she is going through withdrawal she cannot give you the sort of understanding and support you need right now.

Look for the EN and LB questionnaires and print them out, each of you fill them out. You can discuss them ahead of time, but can discuss them with the Harley's.

she is going through withdrawal. Like withdrawal from a drug, ask what you can do to help.

Talk with her about some precautions you both can make about ensuring no contact (handing over passwords to accounts, online billing passwords).
And this means you to.

Talk with her about the NC letter. This is a major thing. It didn't really happen if you weren't a part of it. Or it may have happened, but there will always be doubt. Both of you begin writing one and preparing to send it.

Have you contacted his family, W?