Crickey what a day. This is going to be a long one. You are going to be shocked. I started Plan B yesterday and gave WH the letter, I did post that yesterday but WH came by this morning, after the children went to school. He wanted lots of cuddles and one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together. I couldnt kiss him or even look at him, it was so strange that would have too involved if you know what i mean. I think it was just a comfort thing, after his dads funeral yesterday. Anyway we went to his mums and his sister was there and we went to look at the flowers on the grave, came back and had lunch at his mums. WH was very quiet and said he felt sick etc. Whilst there and noone else was around he asked if i was okay and i said yes it was just a moment thing where we both needed comfort, I just didnt understand why he came to me and not the OW, he lives with OW so why does he need me and WH couldnt answer that one. On the way home we started talking and WH said it was the letter that had done it but things had not changed. WH said he felt bad about what had happened and i said dont start telling me it shouldnt of happened ect otherwise you will make it out to cheap and nasty and it wasnt. To which WH agreed, he said he just felt like a Bas£%&d. WH said he doesnt feel we could go back and cant understand why I would want to and he knows I love him but how could I have a person like him back. I couldnt really say much as you all know my feelings have changed but I did say that we couldnt like before as I wanted to feel secure in a relationship. But with a lot of work and if we both wanted it, we could go back, WH said he didnt want to try. He just wants me to move on and find someone else, he says this is what he is waiting for so then he can move on also. I told him that when I do find someone it will be the real thing and that he if then changed his mind it would be too late to which he said I know and that he didnt think he would change his mind. I asked him if he was going to tell OW about what had happened and he said no because that would be the end and he would have nothing. WH told me that he didnt know whether he wanted to give up OW and even if things didnt work out with OW then he would not come crawling back to me that it would be unfair to me. WH said I deserved to be happy and that it looked like I was happy now. I told him that I could ive with or without him that I would be okay and I didnt need him to make me happy. He said that he could see that and that I would be much happier with soemone else, it would be different. I said I know it would be because I have no baggage, I have used this time to sort things out in my life and know what I want and what I dont want. He even said that he and Ria were rock solid when I asked about their relationship (dont think so) and when I said about her having children because she is desperate for them so he says he said I am not going to have anymore and I said if she wants them then you will have them with or without your consent he didnt say anything to this. I told him at the end that things would have to go back to how they were no contact and referred him back to the letter. I dont know how I didnt cry, shout and kept calm all through the day. I really dont know how I feel, I knew that it wouldnt change anything but I guess i have just proved that he will cheat and at least it was with me and not someone else and this will never happen again. Plan B has started all over again I know but at least it has started off with a nice taste/ reality check for WH. Has anyone else been in this position, if so are there any more surprises for me. I made it clear to WH that this will not happen again and that no contact is the only way forward, he has agreed.

In Plan B my WH has constantly showed up. But Plan B has let me detach from him and get on with my life. I think they just want to know that BS is still there for them.

However the loss of a parent is a big stress on a marriage, or affair. So she may not be able to meet his needs right now. Try to stick to Plan B.

Believer I am in the right frame of mind even if WH isnt, it is a stressful time all round. I shall definately be sticking to Plan B. I guess I just wanted to know how I would feel, sleeping with him etc and I dont feel anything right now dont know what i will feel later on. I am just hoping that I wont feel bad about myself and what I have done. Anyhow I am Focused Plan B and prayer for me now.

Oh yeah and believer I dont think WH is wanting me to be there, he said he wants me to find someone else, be happy and move on. I think today was closure.

Don't be too sure. WH will need lots of comfort now that he is grieving the loss of his father. OW may get tired of meeting all of his needs.

feelingit,

you also state that he said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He just wants me to move on and find someone else, he says this is what he is waiting for so then he can move on also. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what do you make of that??

to me, it says he does not really want to move on, i think that would of been a good time to have said, "I am not moving on because i still believe in us". Do you still believe in the two of you?? just wondering.

i know for me, i was also kinda waiting for H to finally agree that divorce was the right thing to do. i did not ever contact a lawyer and actually get the ball moving because i was waiting for H to agree. of course all i had to do was tell H about A and that would of done the trick, but i did not do that. (don't ask me to explain my logic, i really don't know!)

Somehow we have survived it all. My H's consistent commitment to the M is really what did it for me. Is your H maybe testing the water to see what your commitment level is at this point.

just my 2 cents.

WH might be testing me, who knows but i have siad in my plan B letter and told him that i do love him and i do believe that if we both want our M to work we could do it. WH does not think he wants to work on our M, he says I desrve better. I think WH is not in any frame of mind right now to think about anything. He did tell me at one point in our conversation that he would have to give up OW and be without me in order for us to make it. I just remember I asked him if he was more frightened of losing OW than me and he replied I have already lost you to which I said you havent but WH just doesnt believe me. I wonder if the fog will go and he will start to believe in my words. I told him about this site and said there are planty of people that have got through an affair but he is just not listening at the moment.

There is only so much I can do and take as well and he has the PBL.

I need to be in Plan B and stay in it for him to think and for me to survive and that means I cannot tell him anymore how much I believe in us. Like I said to WH I can live with or without him I can be happy either way.

Does anyone think that WH is defogging but just doesnt have enough faith in the M. I know he is down on himself big time as he kept saying I am a mess and need to sort myself out, I maybe will mess things up with OW and be sad and lonely and maybe he doesnt think I am worthy of his love and I deserve better. But what he says about OW makes me wonder, the way he says that they have just clicked and they want the same things out of life and they are rock solid. I know, I do knw what you all are going to say but he wouldnt have slept with you if this was the case. I asked him why he came to me and not the OW as they live together and he couldnt answer just said he need to be close to me.

To be honest I have now got to the point I just want to work on myself some more I cannot help WH, he needs to help himself and I can't spend my days thinking and worrying about him can I?

no, you certainly should not have to spend your days and nights worrying about him.

i am very sorry for your pain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

and i am so ashamed that i am a WS

i do think you are right for being in plan B and as you said, you have told him everything he needs to know in the letter. all the best.

Thank you FL I know I probably sound like I dont care or that I am only thinking of myself. I do love my WH and hope and pray that he will see the light (only today has made me realise this) but I do have to think of myself and my sanity. And if today was a glimmer of hop that WH is not sure of his doings then Plan B is the way for both of us.

We BOTH have even agreed today to stop/postpone any legal actions started for a little while.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: feelingit ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> probably sound like I dont care or that I am only thinking of myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">on the contrary, you do not sound like that at all. you sound like a very compasionate and loving wife.

It is good no legal action is beginning. I really do hope it can work out for you both!!

Thanks. I am sorry that I did not pick up on you being ashamed at being a WS. The fact that you are working on your M and realise you made a mistake is great. I am sure that you will have an even better M than you had before.

I have just read Ark's lighthouse thing and it did it for me. I shall be that lighthouse and when WH starts looking I shall glow.

Do you I sat here tonight and I thought about writing the OW a letter telling her about her new man and his infidelities but it is just not worth it. If WH can lie to her and get away with I am sure he will and after all he has got to live with todays actions now hasn't he.

yes, he has to live with his own actions. you are in plan B so you can have some peace, don't spoil that peace thinking about writing OW. I sincerly hope your H figures out what he has in you and starts to look for your glow!

as for me, i'm doing my best here, i cannot change the past but i can make a better today and future.