Alright I have posted alot recently but now I REALLY need some advice. I have told most of my story before but here is an update. DDay was March 15th. My WH left for Florida with me. On our trip he wanted SF everyday(he started it everytime) and was completly wanting to work on it. We had talked about moving to Florida and he had even applied for jobs. He told me in Florida that we were going to be better than ever. We came back from Florida two weeks later and he was fine for a couple days. Then all of a sudden he was quiet and not into SF (maybe every 5-6 days, which is unusual for my husband:). He did not know if he wanted to move. He was unsure of his feelings for me. Then he says that he was lying in Florida and that he really was in love with OW. He loves me but not "in love" with me. He claims he has had NC with OW but starting this week I keep getting these phone calls to my house that come up Private caller. Like someone is blocking out their phone number from the caller id. My husband said that he thought these might be sales calls. Well last night after I received one, I called the operator and they told me that it cannot be sales calls. It would have to be a private number that someone was blocking. There is no way to find out who these calls are from. I asked my husband if he had talked to her and he said no and he does not know who those calls are from. I don't know what to believe. Got two more calls today while I was at work. Who else could it be but OW? How can I find out if he is having contact?? Someone had mentioned a phone recorder but I feel like I am sneaking around if I do that. I want to be honest with my husband.

Assume it's OW.

Just answer the phone one of those times and say:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've reached the happy home of [WS] and [BS]. We can't come to the phone right now because we're upstairs nekkid having wild sex. At the sound of the click, please leave a message and we'll call you back after we catch our breath.

CLICK (hang up)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See?

Seriously, don't fret about snooping. Honesty counts when you get to recovery - not while you're at war (as MelodyLane says).

During an affair, think of snooping NOT as dishonesty, but as necessary affair research. Afterall, he's being dishonest with you.

WAT

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I assume it might be her. I don't care if she is calling at night when I am hear and hanging up on me. I am worried she might be calling during the day (which there was one earlier today). I don't want my husband talking to her. I want to believe my husband and he says it is not her. However we all know that when there is an A there is lots of lies and doubts:). Any advice on how to figure all this out??

You don't need to "figure it out." It's 99.9% certain. Trying to confirm the last .1% will only be frustrating and LBs to your H.

Assume it's her and contact continues.

Period.

Have you done all the exposure you can do?

WAT

Yeah there has been exposure. So you think he is talking to her? The OW husband found out, she confessed. The OW husband took a crow bar to my husband's truck and the place he was living. I thought about telling OW husband about these calls but I really have no proof that it is her. What more exposure can I possibly do??

What has he said about a no contact letter?

If he refuses, assume he wants to continue contact.

Either he's talking to her, or she's trying.

If he doesn't want to talk to her, he should have no problem with a NC letter.

If it's easy to contact OW's H again, advise him that AT LEAST you believe OW is continuing to try to stay in touch with your H.

If this results in more crow bar action, good. Turmoil is good.

WAT

I agree with WAT about the NC letter! Did you H write one to OW yet? If not, then sit down tonight and ask him to write one that this is for YOU and HIM. If he refuses,then he has things to hide. My H wrote a NC letter the day he ended teh affair!

Abotu the phone calls...get the recorder. They are not that expensive at Radio Shack. Set it up in a place where he cant find it. Dont worry about it. I snoop all the time with my H. It is part of recovery!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong> How can I find out if he is having contact?? Someone had mentioned a phone recorder but I feel like I am sneaking around if I do that. I want to be honest with my husband. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">faithfull,

You should sneak around if someone is destroying you behind you back. There is no virtue in letting them get away with it. Do you think the FBI is sneaky and devious when they spy on drug dealers? Or do you think there is a HUGE difference between spying on an innocent person and a guilty person?

You can't be honest with your H if he is actively working against your best interests BEHIND YOUR BACK. For right now, you must snoop in order to help bring this affair to an end and protect yourself.

I am always mystified about why people feel bad about snooping when they are being destroyed? I think thats odd.

All I can say is, avoid that gee-I'm-a-chump feeling...when you discover your husband played you like a card. I looked my WH right in the eye, SEVERAL times, to have him tell me with tears brimming up on his eyelashes, that he was no longer in contact with the OW. Then, I went to his work, did some snooping in his desk (don't ask...I can be quite good at becoming a master sleuther), and found dated letters, cards, gifts, etc. that she had been sending him at work. Even found a peer appreciation award write up that she crafted thanking him for all the "work he did" while he was overseas with her. Then, I called him, asked him if he ever recvd letter or cards or gifts from her at work (I mean, he had to know that I KNEW at this point)...and HE STILL LIED.

I can give you about 50 more examples of how this man out and out lied to my face. With tears. And anger. And "don't you trust me." Heck, even our PASTOR point blank asked him if he was having an affair during an IC session he was having with my WH, AT THE CHURCH, I MEAN, GOD WAS IN THE HOUSE, THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS WAS IN ATTENDANCE, and he LIED TO THE PASTOR. My H, before the alien abduction, would never have lied or gone to such theatrical levels to lie.

The whole PREMISE of an A requires that the WS get real damn good, proficient, and convincing at lying.

Get the recorder. It is a small investment, you can get it at Radioshack.

Another comment. I have read post after post after post after post from women, and men for that matter, who kicked themselves because they did not trust their intuition. DON'T LET HIM MAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE CRAZY. Because, chances are, you are right.

Update this morning - my husband read this forum last night. At first he was a little angry but then. He told me he has not had any contact with OW what so ever. Told me he would be a fool because OW husband would kill him.

He told me to go ahead and buy a recorder if I wanted to. If it would make me feel better he would give me the money to go get on.

I believe he is trying and may not have contacted her, I just can't seem to understand him being so different once we returned from Florida. I thought maybe it was just the memories of OW and the fog. But shouldn't withdrawl and the fog be starting to lift?? It will be six weeks next Monday.

Faithfullogan,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But shouldn't withdrawl and the fog be starting to lift?? It will be six weeks next Monday.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The duration of withdrawal is not the same for everyone. 6 weeks isn't very long. Withdrawal can take anytime from 3 weeks up to 6 months or even a year. It depends on many factors such as personality, a person's sensitiviy level, the intensity and length of the affair, etc. A good estimation of the length of withdrawal can be the length of the affair. From what I've read about other peoples experiences here on MB, it appears it takes longer for a women to recover from an affair emotionally. Some WS's even don't experience withdrawal symptoms at all and usually those people is men. So maybe that's a positive for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Regarding the fog: Personally and from my own experience, I have found that it's possible for the fog to slip back from time to time even long after withdrawal have ended. Give it TIME and PATIENCE - it will get better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:

He told me to go ahead and buy a recorder if I wanted to. If it would make me feel better he would give me the money to go get on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are feeling doubtful still, then i would do it...Set to where it will record when the phone picks up...and check it to make sure he hasnt' turned it off. Put it in a place where he wont find it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe he is trying and may not have contacted her, I just can't seem to understand him being so different once we returned from Florida. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This could possible be due to the fact that when he was in Florida with you, the everyday trauma and stress of the A were not present at the time. Then once he came home again, the reality hit him. I think that is normal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought maybe it was just the memories of OW and the fog. But shouldn't withdrawl and the fog be starting to lift?? It will be six weeks next Monday. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is the memories of the OW and the fog. that is what withdrawal is about. Also, you two live very close together and if I remember correctly you sometimes see her in the front yard??? That might trigger his withdrawal process and set him back. Withdrawal is different for everyone. My H and I are still going thru it. Or shall I say, my H is going thru it. I had a really bad day yesterday and he stuck with me and supported me thru it. Just as I stick with him and support him thru his bad days. Just stick by him and tell him you are there for him and that you understand. Listen to him and hold him if that makes him feel better. Or just give him his space. Get out and do things together. This is a long prcess...hang in there!

Alright all I am still going through this paranoia. I appreciate all of your comments. We had some trouble with our daughter this morning and have been trying to WH on the phone for two hours. I have left him a message and still no return call. I feel like he is not even trying. If he was going to be somewhere where his phone would not work he could have called first. I instantly think the worst and that makes me feel bad. I know this takes time but things to me seem so much worse. He is still cuddling and kissing me when he leaves but last night when he read the posts on this site he told me he was this close to leaving. I mean if he says he is committed to wanting to work on it, shouldn't he be committed?? He does not talk to any of his family or mine, like he is still guilty.