I had a great day yesterday with my S. I took the day off to help chaperone a fossil digging field trip for his 4th grade class. It meant a lot to me, because as a busy professional woman, I have often had to bypass class related things (with the exception of parent teacher conferences), because my schedule often did not permit me to participate.

We dug around in the dirt for hours, and found sharks teeth, sea cow bones, whale bones, other misc. bone fragements.

It was so important to invest this time in my S, but at the same time, it set something off in me. It touched a nerve. How many nerves will continue to be touched off in my lifetime because of this A situation, I have no idea.

I was hurting because these were the kinds of things my H and I would celebrate. We were so dynamic, and would brag to one another about how multi-dimensional we were (I have read countless examples of spouses on this board who felt invincible, like how they would talk about how their marriages were different than all the rest, how they had connections others didn't, and how they lost everything because they did not think to protect themselves from an A). We could enjoy a movie one minute, music the next (and we loved how both our music tastes were so ecclectic...jaz, classical, pop, rock, christian, rap, rasta...you name it), go to a museum the next minute, or attend a college football game the next. Or just hang out in our PJ's and be lazy all day.

And we both LOVED fossils. We just thought it was so cool to experience in some way something that lived millions of years ago. In fact, during a vacation we took to NM last year, and a couple of years before that (we went there to visit some of my extended family, and my bio-Mom) we bought some fossils so we could begin our own little collection. In fact, when we bought the last piece, we couldn't stop talking about how proud we were to have invested in this piece, and how none of our friends or family were going to get it (we laughed giddily (sp) imagining them saying "Hmmm...gee, that sure is...umm... a nice rock, I mean fossil, wow."), and how much we loved each other, I mean, really, really loved each other in a soulmate kinda way, that we could both get jazzed about a 4 million year old rock! We couldn't wait to get home, unwrap it, and put it on prominent display in our home. We were both like kids in a candy store...and it brought us such pleasure.

So fast forward back to the present. I found a bunch of crusty old rocks, and wanted nothing more than to come home, dump out my bag, and share with him our "finds" for the day. I feel as if this passion of mine has been stolen from me now.

I love BIG. I am a very, very passionate woman. And I share myself so completely. And I would share the things that made my day, the things that fired me up, the things that intrigued me, fascinated me, ALL my loves, interests, and passions. I was an open book to him, never afraid to be enthusiastically JOYOUS about my life's loves, even if it was a old skeleton embedded rock. And I was always so grateful to have a man that shared my joys just as passionately.

Now I feel as if the very things in life that brought me the most joy, gave it the most zest, the things that defined me as who I am, since I gave them to him, and built on these things with him, that they are no longer mine to enjoy. They just bring me pain now. I remember what we had, and how I lost it. And while I still define myself as a VERY DYNAMIC, PASSIONATE woman, how will I even find someone who will love the things I love. That will "get" me. It feels so utterly hopeless. A relationship like that does not come along every day. And I cannot believe how unbelievable foolish he was to throw that all away on a woman who he knew for 3 weeks. This just breaks my heart.

I look in my little plastic bag of fossils, and I feel no fire. My passion and excitement in our discoveries is non existant. And I try to tell myself that this can now be an interest I can share with my son, but in my heart, in my GUT, I just don't feel the zeal that I used to. I shield my dissapointment from him, and he could not stop talking about how his friends thought his Mom was cool, so I would not have traded the day for anything, but it would have been that much sweeter to come home and show "dad" our cool fossils, and know he would have been just as excited as we were.

My favorite singer no longer inspires me (because when I hear Harry Connick Jr. now, I just think of the moonlit dances on the beach when my H would sing "It had to be you" in my ear). My favorite vacation spot doesn't hold the same appeal (I am going to my favorite vacation destination, NY City, and am almost dreading it, because my H surprised me with an anniversary trip there with him the year before last, and we had a sleepless in seattle/affair to remember kind of trip, since my anniversary is days after valentines' day, complete with dinner at the Russian Tea Room, a moonlit walk to the empire state building, the broadway show Les Miserables, my all time favorite play/musical, with everything meticulously planned in love for me by my H). My favorite food doesn't taste the same without him there to swap remarks on how it tastes so good. I had this passion to adopt children that were parentless and hurting (as an adopted child, I felt this calling on my heart to help heal a hurting child). We would both cry when we would see documentaries about these children, and now I cannot imagine bringing another child into my life, because I feel so ill equipped to emotionally care for the two beautiful children I already have.

I'll admit it, I am a romantic. I am a dreamer. And what does a dreamer do, when the coveted dreams you aspired to for so long, no longer motivate you. We created those goals together. And we were equally bent on achieving them. And the saddest part is, we were just steps away from making it happen, for the first time ever. A new house, we were probably 18 months away from doing it. Dream vacations, we were REALLY close to planning them.

And even if by some freak chance I find someone else who would share in these joys of mine, I would always remember my H's perspective on these things, his own animated responses to our joys...our own late night talks where we would dream of what we would see, do, have, be one day. And while one could argue that I will develop new loves, many of these things have inspired me since I can remember. And now, they all have little stains on them. Little pieces of my broken hearted situation attached to them.

I just feel totally robbed. Of who I am. And coming to terms with the fact that I have lost so much more than the love of my life.

Thanks for letting me share.

Christy that was us before I messed it up so completely but thankfully not irrecoverably.

Thank you that was really lovely.

JL told me one day I'd wake up to what I'd lost and I think you've told me. I'm still teary and I'm at work.

I can't thank you enough even though I know it was hurt and pain that made you write it.

Jenny

I don't believe it is quite time to mourn yet...

for him it a time to reap....be patient...

but I think you shoud write out this post as if to him....

speak your joy in the fossils..
speak your belief in him
speak you peace...

speak your peace.... reaching out for him that is so lost....in all the crisis and pain that is of his creation...

should you send it...

nah..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

not right now...
not yet....
but hold it dear to you...for one way or another the time will come for him to hear those words....

It is not so much your loss as his now is it?
honestly?

blessings to you

ARK

Christy I feel your pain, I know you feel as if your not the same person you used to be. This is true we won't be that person for quite a while. This is what Plan B is for.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I feel as if the very things in life that brought me the most joy, gave it the most zest, the things that defined me as who I am, since I gave them to him, and built on these things with him, that they are no longer mine to enjoy. They just bring me pain now. I remember what we had, and how I lost it. And while I still define myself as a VERY DYNAMIC, PASSIONATE woman, how will I even find someone who will love the things I love. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are this same person no matter what, no one can take that away from you. Time heals all wounds. I know we're all in a crappy situation and yes it does suck. Right now it's going to be hard to find that person you used to be, but it's there still inside you no matter what, be it if your H comes back or not. Losing who you think you are is not an option, I know it's very appealing right now to feel that person you used to be is gone. That person is in hibernation for now until what ever happens happens.


I have those days too Christy where a song that used to be ours or one of our wedding songs come on and I get sad but eventhough it does bum me out life goes on. For now you must strive to make yourself happy find a babysitter go out with friends, this will help you find that person that's hibernating in you somewhere. I think you really need to find a new hobby for you to keep you busy something new that are only your memories to help you get through this.

I think you give great advice maybe you should listen to your own advice sometimes and I should do the same, listen to my own advice that is.

{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}

Such a beautifully written sentiment - I feel your words. I wish I didn't. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

- WHB

Christy, I'm sorry for your pain. You are grieving many things right now. The loss of your husband out of your living space, the possible loss of your M, the loss of your life as you knew it, the loss of the dream with your H that you had, the loss of innocence, the loss of what you were like with him ... I bet you could go on and on with this list.It's not meant to depress you but to let you know this all sucks and you have every right to feel what you are feeling.

I agree with what arc said about your H being lost. When the EA was 1st revealed my H was crying constantly at all the pain he had caused, and just having the truth revealed. I held his face in my hands and said "You became a very lost man, didn't you?" It was one of those moments of truth. He just looked at me with tears in his eyes and knew. Then the fog settled back in. Today he told me, "I really was lost." Remember Christy, whatever happens with you and your H HE is the one who is lost. Hopefully he will come around. If not, you will be OK because you aren't lost. In pain yes, but not lost.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. CV

Christy, I am so sorry for your pain. I hope the replies you have gotten already helps.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Question. You were "done" in the marriage (it strikes a nerve in me to hear that, because those are the hurtful words I hear from my WH right now). What made you be "undone?" At what point, did you say, ok, I've committed this act I am not proud of, I really DO want my H, I will RE-comitt to my M now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">first, i am sorry my comment struck a nerve in you. i am sorry for your pain and for the huge amount of pain i caused my H by being in that mindset. In my scenerio, due to relationship issues that neither one of us really knew how to address and due to a time of personal crisis in my life (regarding my dad's illness and death), I decided, the pain of being so lonley in a marriage was worse than being divorced. And so I had an A from someone i met on internet, not because i liked the guy at all, just for the symbolism. I never intended to tell my H about it, i really didn't want to hurt him, that was NEVER what it was about. But i did intend to insist on a divorce and i felt the act of adultery would somehow help me cope, i think mostly because it really numbed me so much towards H that is. and it was an escape for me. i can't tell you how much i hate having to say all that. it really turns my stomach to think about these decisions i made <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

but your question is, what made me turn back. there are a few things that impacted me. one big one was an apology H gave me early on when we were in psuedo seperation, which meant i was sleeping on the couch. he came down, left the lights off, woke me up and very softly told me how sorry he was that the relationship had gotten so bad. At the time, I listened with my head only. i would not allow the words to penetrate my heart. but i did write about it, and i captured his intensity. another big thing was the reaction the kids had when we told them we were going to seperate. this was something my H really did NOT want done. but eventually he agreed to be present. i don't know what i was thinking their reaction would be, but it broke my heart so bad. That really is what got me to go to Retrouvaille and consider counsoling. It is so sad to have to admit that if i would of had more strength, if i just would of NOT done the A, if i had the guts to have pushed for a divorce with out combining it with the cowardly/selfish act like i did, that really would of been our turning point. and turth be told, making a decision of divorce is something that i should not have even done. i should of never considered that option. but anyway, that is what happened, cannot change that with, "i wish" this or "i wish" that.

after retrouvaille, i was such a mess. i was very angry inside. angry at myself for what i did, and, although this will sound so self-centered, angry at my H because now he was trying. why didn't he try when i told him i was unhappy. in my eyes, i judged him very harsly, he was only now trying because HIS life was now going to be turned upside down. now he had a vested interest because of the impact a divorce would have on him. and that anger really kept me deeply rooted in my path. things stayed that way for well over a year and 1/2. but thru it all i was watching my H very closely, trying hard to not believe any of it was real, but it got to a point where i just could not not accept that he meant all he kept telling me. that he loved me, that he believed in us, that we belonged together. thru out that time, i tried to give to him at times. but i would sabatoge myself because i was still looking at him thru eyes of the past and i was looking at myself and what i had done and felt there was no way to make amends and make this marriage work and so instead i just kept making it worse. kept reinforcing my belief that there was no hope by keeping in touch with the OM. I would break it off, tell him i needed this to all end but about once a month, i would break down and contact him or he would contact me and he would tell me how much he missed seeing me, how much he would love to get together and i would go for that escape. it became such an addiction. but after each time i would hate myself just that much more.

Last Nov, i was just so tired of being angry. I knew I had to break out this destructive behaviour. I started praying that God would take away my anger. If nothting else, just please take away the anger. It was killing me, it was hurting my H so much and the kids. It just had to stop. I hit rock bottom. One night I was reading stuff i had writen a while back and i came across what i had written the night H had given me that apology in the dark while i was on the couch. And I felt my prayers being answered. The anger just left, certainly all the anger i had towards my H left. It was such a huge relief, it is hard to describe. i tried sharing it with my H, i'm not really sure if he really understood how powerful that was. We have talked about that since d-day, i think he understands it more now.

So now i really did want back in the marriage, but there was still a huge problem. I had been cheating on the guy for 2 1/2 yrs!!! i wanted so badly to make peace with it, between myself and God but i just couldn't. I found this site mid-december. I started reading and posting and getting feedback about confessing. and hearing the heartache of those that found out while the A was ongoing (like you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) and the incredible strength of some many BSs that were still fighting for their marriages. i read posts from those BS whose S had confessed, and although their hurt was also intense, the way they talked about how it was a gift to have been told the truth. i traded posts with people like JL, and many many others, about the pro's of confessing. so many times i wanted to just run away from this site!!! but i just couldn't, i got so much support from so many people here. people hurting due to their S's actions, still willing to lift me up and give me those sometimes gentle and sometimes not so gentle nudges to do the right thing. It really was this site that gave me hope back, this site combined with my H's actions.

By early Feb, i was pretty convinced i was going to confess, but there was this trip to disney over valentines day with the family, and then a trip to las vegas with just my H and myself...

in many ways i am glad i waited, because i was becoming stronger and i was able to make some love deposits, although i was also still in so much turmoil, i would also do hurtful things too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

so that was a very long answer to your question. Yes, he held on very tight, although you are right, he did not know at the time i was having an A. I don't know what would of happened if he had found out about the A when i was still in the mindset of breaking up the marriage. I tend to think, he would not have put up with my fence sitting and we might be divorced right now. but then the discovery might of snapped me out of what i was doing. it really is not possible to answer any better than that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I so desperately want to save my M. I love my WH so much. I want this M. I want to preserve my family, and I am absolutely TERRIFIED, that everything I do that feels right, seems to make it worse. It is like opposite day every day. Something that would have reached him before, pushes him further away. Something I never in a million years would have guessed he would say or do, he does. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i know you want to save this marriage, i wish i had some magical answer for you, i really do. My H strength to weather out the storm was very key. But like you said, he did not know of A like you do.

Your description of your memories is so moving. Hold on to them Christy. I will be praying that your H finds his way back.

I am sorry the contacts you have had with WH since he moved out have been so painful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but he is not fully walking through the door and moving on...to her, to a new life for himself, anything. Just seemingly in limbo. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is a good sign, don't you think??

it was my pleasure to share, it is painful sometimes to face my actions but it is theoputic too (ok, i know i spelled that word wrong!!) feel free to ask any question, anytime.

take care, Karen

P.S. sorry it took so long to post. in between sentences i was checking son's homework, feeding him a second dinner (the kids eats like a horse!!) and picking up my daughter from play practice. Now I have to clean my house and do two tasks for work (i doubt i will do the work stuff!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Wow. You have so eloquently expressed all that is lost when a what we thought was a great marriage and partnership is hit by infidelity. You poetically describe and capture all that I too miss, and grieve bit by bit, day by day, even if lately I try to be tough-skinned and not let myself get emotional. This post of yours is one that I'm going to print out and tuck into my journal to be sure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We were so dynamic, and would brag to one another about how multi-dimensional we were (I have read countless examples of spouses on this board who felt invincible, like how they would talk about how their marriages were different than all the rest, how they had connections others didn't, and how they lost everything because they did not think to protect themselves from an A). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, my H and I were arrogant about our love and how amazing we were together too. We thought what we had was so special that nothing or no one could damage it. That's precisely why I allowed my H to have his female friends even though really it hurt me to see him give them attention. I thought our marriage was invincible.

You have me missing my H all over again. Even though the rational part of me knows that the man he once was and what we once had is now gone forever. But thank-you for putting it so well. I, like you, doubt I'll ever find someone I'm so completely compatible with ever again. If only I hadn't hurt him so much, if only his pride hadn't been hurt so badly....but "if only"s don't help me or you at all, so I'll stop that.

As ark^^ said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe it is quite time to mourn yet...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. Your marriage still has a chance. You don't have to give up yet. Keep strong and let these amazing memories motivate you to stay strong in your plan B and fight for your M.

You are in my prayers,

Jen

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Christy,

I don't normally post to your threads, mainly because I don't post to many other threads on here, but I do read. This one touched me.

Your sounded like the perfect marriage. I have to admit, in my 19 years, my WH and I never did share a lot of common interest like you and yours did. I can't imagine doing all those things together, but it sounds truly wonderful. I'd think it would be very difficult for your WH to find someone who was truly as much his "other half" as you have been.

But I do completely understand your pain, and your fears of never being able to find someone else you'll connect to like you do your H. Even though our lack of common interests was perhaps one factor that helped make my WH vulnerable for his A, we also have shared special moments that no one else would understand but him and me.

We love driving vacations, preferably just the two of us. We once left Iowa with $500 in cash in our pocket and 5 days off work and just said to each other "lets go west". Five days later we'd seen the sights in South Dakota, eastern Wyoming, Colorado, northern NM, and were back home with $11 to spare. I got claustrophobic in a cave in SD. We got way lost in NM. It was great!

We've had great laughs as we've taken the 10-mile "scenic byway" in Colorado that took us 3 hours to travel over because it was all twists and turns and huge potholes--and some of the most beautiful snowy mountain scenery I've ever experienced.

Vacations are what our biggest "bond" probably is. He has admitted even while in his A, that he can't imagine ever taking a vacation with anyone but me.

But we have the little things to--our own corny form of language that no one else would understand. He has a cute little dance he does that I refer to as ballerining. Anyone else would think it's kooky--sort of like the dancing hippo on Fantasia. But I find it adorable. Who else would know what he's talking about when he says he went torpedo hunting (it's actually sort of dangerous--it means he was out looking for the tornado). Who else knows JUST how I like my coffee made at QuikTrip? Who else could understand the joy and memories that sharing a Casey's chuckwagon brings (it's the best nuclear sandwich in all the world and when we were young, we used to eat them to cure hangovers. He makes some killer microwave scrambled eggs that are equally effective, even though I rarely touch anything alcoholic anymore.)

And I'll guarantee no one else knows what it means to "bleach and squat". I won't even go there other than to say, it is NOT anything bad.

And yes, the dreams. We dreamed of being able to take the Harley on long trips now that the kids were both almost grown. We talked of getting older and selling our camper and buying a motorhome and traveling in it, since we like to travel so well. He'd even toyed with the idea of buying me my own Harley Sportster if he ever built the chopper he wants to build, so that we could still ride together since his bike would only hold one person.

Now what? No motorhome. No Harley. Right now I have a basement that has 2x4 stick walls. The finish we started was never completed. It was going to be another bedroom/bath, tv room, and rec room with pool table. I can't afford to finish it now.

And more importantly, even if none of the above material things ever come about...What about the H who I love so much? I would give up all the rest of it, but I don't want to give him up. I always felt that no matter what happened, no matter what we came up against, we'd be okay because we had each other.

I know we all feel the same. We all hurt the same. I don't understand how he could just walk away from his family and enter his new life. None of us do.

I know the chances are good that physically I will not cease to exist, no matter what happens. I know people say the pain gets better in time. I do admit that I'm functioning better now than I was at first. But will I ever have again what I had before, and what I took for granted because I believed that it was safe, that nothing would ever split us up?

LL

I've never posted here before, but I must say, ChristyV, yours has moved me to this. I think you've captured the essence of loss in a most viceral way. I was brought back to the anguish I felt when I discovered my WW spent a night in a cheap hotel with the OM a full two days after opening gifts around the christmas tree with our 2 yr old daughter and 6 yr old son. The world looked dirtier, my future wiped away in an instant, our past betrayed. She immediatly told me she wanted out of the marriage.

I did the begging pleading thing and felt the most intense anguish I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing. We've since been living out of the same house...sort of, she staying elswhere when I'm home from work. Moves into her new house 04MAY18. Sees the OM at will, comes home and leaves her new sexy underwear in the hamper for me to wash. I think I must have died and gone to hell.

I've not known of the Plan A / Plan B until I did some searching on the net. Guess I'm doing a feeble plan A until she leaves. Then enough, no contact, just too painful.

The kids don't really know yet either. Our careers kept us on opposite shifts as it was. That, me building a log cabin in the mountains, two active kids, a career for her that took her on work confrences out of town/country. What a recipe for disaster. Emotional intamacy is what she says she found. So....now I lay awake at night anticipating the look on my son's face when I have to tell him I couldn't keep our "one big happy family" together.

I pray for us, my wife and I think I'll pray for you too ChristyV.

Christy,

Your post was beautiful. I am sorry you are mourning such a loss in your life. I think it would be natural.

You said yourself you love with your whole heart, you will again. Just hang in there.

Take care of yourself
stressed

Finally: Thank you for being so brave and answering honestly some questions that were probably not very easy to answer. I really, really appreciate that. Thank you so much.

Everyone else: Thank you for your kind words. It does really help to know that you are not the only one feeling these really intense emotions. I have always been the one to express myself in the written form, and these words just came pouring out of me. The fact that you would hang in there and read such an exhaustive tirade is really awesome to me.

I hate adultery. I always did, and probably always will. It is such a cruel, weak, disrespectful thing to do. I have NEVER shared how I truly feel about all of this with my WH, firstly, because, what for? He is lost in his own world right now...he must be to leave everything behind without so much as a glance backward. And secondly, because I have held fast to a promise I made to myself to treat him with dignity and a quiet spirit...because if he is still in there somewhere, it will mean something that I treated him with dignity and waited to share with him how badly this has hurt me until he is really ready to hear it.

I am so really lucky to have found you all. I pray for you all too. Throughout the day, I will think of something, and pray for Hopeful, or Tinman, or Octobergirl, or CV. Lordslady, I have been avoiding your posts like the plague, because like me, you are a self -diagnosed control freak, and I am just not ready to face or heal that part of myself yet. I need to, and some day soon, will become for familiar with your story. But I pray for us both on that front. Mom23boys, I pray your H will continue to make the changes that are so hard to make. WHB, I feel like we share a lot of things in common with our experience (# of years together with our spouses, children, etc). Believer, you are a truly special person, and pray in thanksgiving for the very special reunion you will have with that "Big Man" upstairs one day, you will definitely hear those words "Well done good and faithful servant."

I love you guys. Thank you for understanding the unfathomable.

Christy after rereading this post today, you are right on the money as to how all us BS feel. Maybe yesterday I didn't want to admit that because if I do the more I miss what once was. I wish I could put into words what you so eloqintly wrote. Just know that we are here for eachother while we ride this rollercoaster.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

Christy,

It is always nice to know someone else can feel your pain. I truly think that you can feel our pain in you. Thanks for thinking of us. I pray for you and everyone here also.

HINY