I posted my story here in early January. I have no idea how to find it and link it here so here is the main point: In early January my husband confessed to having cheated on me 5 times during our 15 year marriage. The last time was 6 years ago. This confession was a result of IC we were going through because I felt like we were really drifting apart. I had also recently learned (in August) that, while he had told me he had only been with one woman before he married me, he had actually been with 5 or 6 (he couldn't remember.) I know I can't control what he did before I married him. My problem there was the deception. I told him that I don't know if I would have married him had I known all that.
for a couple of years (even before I knew any of this)I felt like my marriage was disconnecting. I started getting close to a guy at work and we've become very good friends. I totally acknowledge the emotional connection and agree it's gotten alot closer since I've had all this revelation injected in my life. I need to mention this to be fair with all the information. He is married and has 2 kids. He also has never told me he has any romantic feelings for me.
Now, here's the current problem (finally, right?) I am stuck in a position of extreme indecision. I can't get passed the fact that my husband totally betrayed me over and over. I feel like our marriage was based on lies to begin with. He wants desperately to work this out but I feel like he's had all the fun and now wants to keep the little wife too. Best of both worlds. I also get very scared when I consider leaving him all together. As ridiculous as this sounds to me, he's my best friend and I can't leave the "husband" without leaving the "friend" in the process. I've been staying and just living day to day but a huge part of me wants to separate for a while and see if this is really what I want or if I'm just staying because it's the safe and "respectable" thing to do.
I'm sorry if this is confusing. Welcome to my world! Please feel free to ask clarifying questions. I really need some advice from people who know what this feels like.

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: cindy17 ]</small>

Sounds like you are in an emotional affair. You can start working on your marriage with your husband and stop contact with OM.

If your H wants to stay married, now is the time to make your marriage better than it ever was.

So if he wants to stay married, that's it? I know that should be a good thing (that he wants to stay married) but it still leaves me with the feeling of being extremely betrayed and then "accepted" as the consolation prize.

Cindy,

if you want to review your previous posts, click on your name in the left side margin of your posts, then click on "view recent posts" on the right side of the page, near the top. I think this will get you to that page: a list to your posts

I went back and read all your posts. I remember you, i posted to you, in the first topic you posted:Staying but miserable... any hope?
and at the bottom of that your husband, under the name The Lost Cause, posted to you too, then i went and read all of his posts. here is a link for that: The Lost Cause's posts

i'm am providing all these links as it might be helpful to you. I am a WS, i cannot begin to understand how betrayed you feel, i therefore cannot tell you you should forgive everything and move forward. the decision to move forward, the decision to give you H and ultimately yourself the gift of forgiveness is yours to make too. Even if you don't stay married, it would be good for you to work thru the pain and get to some sort of forgiveness for your sake.\

I am so sorry for your pain. As a WS, i am so ashamed of the pain i have caused my H. When I posted to you back in Feb, i had not yet confessed. I finally did on March 22. At this point, things look promising. My A lasted 2 1/2 yrs and it occured during a time when my husband was committed to fixing our problems. During a time he thought we were being honest with each other and really working on our marriage, and the whole time i was cheating on him.

i don't know how things will end up for us. The fact that i confessed to him means a lot to him. but he struggles with the length of the A and with that fact that it occured while we were supposedly working on our marriage. He has made comments similar to yours. I got to have a b/f for 2 1/2 yrs and now he is supposed to deal with it. It is a terrible thing i did to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Lost Cause, if you are reading, I can only assume i understand how you are feeling. It is hard to hold your head up and say, but I am worth it, please don't give up on me now. I had posted to you too, my advice to you was to understand that although this was very old news to you, it is very new for your W. You have to go back in time and re-live this for her. Have you seen the movie with Robin Williams? I can't remember the name now... something about dreams maybe?? They lose a child and his wife is unable to cope, in the end, he decides that he would rather be in "hell" with her than in heaven without her. He chooses to be with her in her "hell" and by doing so, he frees her. Its been a while since i saw it but i think i am remembering that right. You have to go back in time with her and save her.

I really hope you both stick around and post here. This site has done wonders for me and with God's help, my marraige will survive and allow us to both be happy.

Please, Please, Please, don't give up yet!!!!

bumping up, hoping to get cindy17 or lost cause's attention!!

Wow, Finally Learning!
You certainly did get my attention. Thanks so much for that wonderful post. I am constantly torn between feeling like our marriage is worth fighting for and feeling overwhelmed by all the betrayal and humiliation.

Today was not a good day at all. We have extreme financial pressures mounting and that doesn't help our situation one bit. I think the worst part of this whole thing is the constant waivering between "okay, I'm going to gut this out" and "that's it! I'm out'ta here!"

I recently read somewhere on here that it takes about 2 years to recover (?) from something like this. I don't think I can take 2 years of this!

Congratulations on confessing. As horrible as I feel knowing all that went on behind my back for so long, I really regret NOT KNOWING for so long. No relationship can survive when it's based on lies.

Thanks again for your heartfelt words. I'll make sure TLC reads this too.

cindy17,

I feel bad for you. The state you are in is no picnic, that's for sure.

You talk about being in a state of indecision. In a way that is a good thing, because it means you haven't totally given up on your marriage yet.

I believe that if you are willing to commit yourself, you can make your marriage a fullfilling and happy one. You will need to forgive him. The past is the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it. Leaving him will not change it. Separation will not change it.

By looking forward and applying yourself to an intentional plan to build love and trust between you and your husband, you will start on a journey that has the potential to bring you unbounded happiness.

Dwell on the past, and you will be feeding yourself poison. Deal with it, then shelve it.

Have you ever asked your Hubby why he lied to you? What did he say?

dewt

dewt

Hey Finally Learning, man you hit me on the head. I have been gone about a week, Cindy is right, financial pressures are consuming my time in large chunks. You're right, I really don't think I'm worth fighting for. I am the one who betrayed her. You know if I could go back I would kick my @*% up and down the side walk mercilessly just for thinking it. Thanks so much for your input.I haven't abandoned the board, I just lurk a lot trying to glean whatever I can. Sometimes, I don't say much until I feel like I am going to explode.
Man, this whole thing really sucks! Tomorrow is our 16th anniversary. I really hate it for Cindy. I know she is going to be miserable. I really hurt with her a lot of times. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Thanks again. Can you change your name here? Maybe if I did, I'd start to believe it.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: the lost cause ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by the lost cause:
<strong> Can you change your name here? Maybe if I did, I'd start to believe it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, I can help with that.

At the top of the screen you will see several links including one called my profile

Click that link

You will find in the upper left, another link called View/Update Profile

Click that link

You will see on that page a text field labeled Publicly Displayed Name:

Change your name. Then click the Update Profile button at the bottom of the page.

You login name will stay the same, but the name display on your new posts will be what you chose as the Publicly Displayed Name.

HTH,

Tony

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by the lost cause:
<strong> You're right, I really don't think I'm worth fighting for. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you, at this moment, really believe that...

Then ask yourself this question...

What can you do to make yourself worth fighting for?

Read all the information on this site. Particularily that about Emotional Needs. Become an expert. You will find questionaires in your research. Fill them out, both of you. This site has tools to restore love and hope in your marriage, but it requires serious commitment.

dewt

Java,
Thanks man. Now I just have to find a more positve name.
Dewt,
Thanks, I read everything I can, I have printed out the questionaires and gave them to my wife.
Just one day at a time man, one day at a time!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step.

dewt

ps... just give one to your wife. The other one is for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 09:26 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Hey Cindy and LC,

I was so happy to see your posts. Don't give up on yourself!! dewt's advice to each of you is wonderful. I'm in tears right now. there are so many hurting couples here but the beautiful thing is we can help each other and we can all survive and end up with extremely fullfilling marriages.

I really need to believe that, know what i mean??

LC, I know how you feel, i hurt my H so bad too, it's so hard sometimes to see that pain. But you have to do it, you have to share the pain so she can be healed. You are worth it LC and so is Cindy.

So Happy Anniversary guys!!! Please try to enjoy each other's company today (maybe watch that Robin Williams movie together and just hold each other). Make time to celebrate your love for each other. You both obviously have it or you would not be hurting so much nor would you be still together. You two DO have something worth fighting for.

God Bless!!

Karen

Just an update on us. Yesterday was our 16th anniversary. TLC sent me a beautiful flower arrangement at work and it had the desired effect. (tip: never send a woman flowers at home. The point is for other women to see the flowers and "gush" about them all day) He later took me to a very nice restaurant and then to the premier of a movie I've been looking forward to seeing. We decided that the whole day would be completely off limits to talking about "the situation" or about our finances. It was amazing to me how often I started to mention something about either of these two subjects. I realized this is what has been consuming me (literally) for the past three months.

Well, the 24 hour truce was upheld and we had a very peaceful day. Here's the scary part... ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) we're already 11 hours into non-truce territory and the peace is lingering...

Thanks to all of you for your excellent words and encouragement. The road is long and the terrain is rocky but I think I'll strap my hiking boots on and continue along the path a bit longer.

Cindy,

thanks for the update. you were both in my thoughts over your anniversary. i am very glad you had a nice day. it will still take a lot of work to get the kind of marriage you both desire but i am sure if you work as a team you can do it!

thinking about you two. how are you both doing??

bumping up again.