How would you help an affairee (the other woman in marriage relationship) that wants out of a situation, but is not in position to do so.

I am in a predicament where I work for a married couple, by occasionally taking care of their child during the day while they go to work. I also live and rent at their home, because it is mutally beneficial for all of us that I live there, (eliminate travel time, and other living expenses).

As well, the husband helped me to get out of a sexually abusive situation with my extended family, which is where I was living prior to moving in with him and his family. I did not initiate this affair, but by understanding Dr. Harley Jr.'s basic concepts of affairs, emotional needs, love bank etc. I understand why I responded to, and got caught in this situation.

I have insisted to him that it stop because we are Christians and morally, spiritially, emotionally it is wrong and is hurting both of us, but he keeps on coming back - even after he promises to stop. It is hard to deal with
especially since I live their with him, his wife (who I grew up) and their 3 children. His wife does not know, and I want it to stop before she ever does find out.

I have never initiated any of intimate moments, but when he does come to me I cannot resist him, because I do love him too. He has been a good friend, before this ever started, and I sincerely want to restore an honest, righteous and respectful friendship again.

I know that I should move out, but financially I am not in a position to do so. What do I do?

Desparately need help - Heaven not Hell!

You have no choice but to move out.

Period.

Right after you tell his wife.

No contact bottom line like WAT said you must move out and also tell his wife. If you want to do the right thing this is what must happen.

How would you help an affairee (the other woman in marriage relationship) that wants out of a situation, but is not in position to do so.

Are you being held against your will?

Are you an illegal and worried about extradition?

Why are you not in a position to make what you know is the morally responsible choice?

I don't understand....

Is there more going on here here?

I am in a predicament where I work for a married couple, by occasionally taking care of their child during the day while they go to work. I also live and rent at their home, because it is mutally beneficial for all of us that I live there, (eliminate travel time, and other living expenses).

Are you also on salary, or are you somewhat an indentured servant to them?

As well, the husband helped me to get out of a sexually abusive situation with my extended family, which is where I was living prior to moving in with him and his family.

And he is sexually abusing you himself. What a hero .... NOT.

I did not initiate this affair, but by understanding Dr. Harley Jr.'s basic concepts of affairs, emotional needs, love bank etc. I understand why I responded to, and got caught in this situation.

How much older than you is this guy? What are both your ages?

I have insisted to him that it stop because we are Christians and morally, spiritially, emotionally it is wrong and is hurting both of us, but he keeps on coming back - even after he promises to stop.

He is abusing you.

It is hard to deal with
especially since I live their with him, his wife (who I grew up) and their 3 children. His wife does not know, and I want it to stop before she ever does find out.

How can you even look his wife and kids in the eye?

I have never initiated any of intimate moments, but when he does come to me I cannot resist him, because I do love him too. He has been a good friend, before this ever started, and I sincerely want to restore an honest, righteous and respectful friendship again.

That is impossible.

I know that I should move out, but financially I am not in a position to do so. What do I do?

Call your Mother. Tll her about this. Ask for her help.

Pep

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hello Brighteye,

Welcome to MB.I am glad that you are trying to take steps to end what is considered to be a terrible and hurtful choice.

WAT is right.You need to start looking for a place to live elsewhere NOW and you CANNOT maintain ANY friendship with this man ever again,you have gone beyond any righteous,respectful behavior and it will be hurtful to the wife and the children to attempt that.There is no other choice but to tell the man's wife about the A as well.The man may or may not confess but you need to tell the wife before anymore damage has taken place.

We understand that it will be very hard for you but there is NO way that the relationship can continue.It will be EXTREMEMLY painful to the wife and hopefully the kids will be spared the sordid details.I think you have a basic understanding how wrong this was and that it cannot end happily for anyone involved.

As you will find out by reading and posting here,it is essential that the affair be revealed for there to be any hope at restoring/repairing the marriage.It is a far worse thing to keep this secret than to bring it out into the open for all parties to make informed decisions about what they will do next.

Keep coming back here to post and read.There are other OW's(other woman's) here who can offer their support as well.

O

Unless his wife is deaf and blind then she knows about this...Especially if you are living under the same roof! IMO anyway!

Move out! Plain and simple. Find another job...You can get a nanny job anywhere! What do you do when you are not taking care of the children? Are their maid AND nanny? I dont get this situation?

Move out of the house! and BTW..NO means NO...if you dont want to go on with the relationship and he is persuing it and you say NO, then sorry to say, he is raping you! He is abusing you just as Pep says!

Brighteye one other thing you will get a whole bunch of truth here and some things people say here you might not like but most are very helpful so even though we are telling you things you might not want to hear right now stick here people will help you out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Brighteye:
<strong>I live their with him, his wife (who I grew up) and their 3 children. His wife does not know, and I want it to stop before she ever does find out.
I cannot resist him, because I do love him too. I sincerely want to restore an honest, righteous and respectful friendship again.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Brighteye,

You say you grew up with his W, so try to think for a minute about how she will feel when she finds out. AND SHE WILL FIND OUT!

Secondly, your comments that you "can't resist him..." should indicate to you that you are addicted to him as well as HE's addicted to you! You are having an A right under their noses, in his home with his W and children right there. Having said that, you KNOW this cannot continue, b/c HE IS MARRIED.

When (As I said, SHE WILL FIND OUT), so, when his W finds out, I'll just bet you will be tossed out on your ear so fast, your head will spin. THEN where will you live? You'd better start thinking about protecting yourself before that eventuality. Start saving your money, start looking around, talking to others. You're going to have to make a plan to protect yourself for that day.

Finally, you said you wanted to "restore an honest, righteous and respectful friendship..." - Sorry to burst your bubble, Brighteye, but IT WON"T HAPPEN. You and this M'd man have crossed too many lines in HIS HOME, and now it can NEVER go back to the way it was before that.

If I were in your shoes, I'd find some friends outside this family (maybe a church? a social group of the same nationality as you are?) and start finding a way to move out of their home, and face the fact that as soon as his W finds out, you will be out of a job.

I'm not condemning you, as I believe Pep is right. THIS MAN IS ABUSING AND USING YOU. But, it's time you started looking out for YOU before you end up worse off than you are now.

Keep posting. Many kind folks here to try to help you navigate through this.

God Bless,

If you're hesitating about running right away, at least do this:

Next time he comes on to you, just say "No." Just say No.

Make sure he understands that his advances are not welcome. No, no, no.

Think Kobe Bryant here.

Make sure he understands.

No explanations are necessary. Just say no. If he persists, get away, go to his wife - anything.

Can you do this?

WAT

Brighteye - there are other options for you. This is not the only one. I strongly suggest you look harder and remove yourself out of a potentially and almost inevitable disastrous situation. Think of how much worse it will be if you are in the home, still not saying no to him, and she finds out? You will be homeless with nowhere to go. If you act now, find another place to live, another job and remove yourself from this man abusing you and taking advantage of you and your current state of weakness, you will see things clearer and put yourself out of harms way when she does find out. Empower yourself and free yourself from another abusive situation. Please act now. Act fast and remove yourself out of that environment.

Brighteye - there are other options for you. This is not the only one. I strongly suggest you look harder and remove yourself out of a potentially and almost inevitable disastrous situation. Think of how much worse it will be if you are in the home, still not saying no to him, and she finds out? You will be homeless with nowhere to go. If you act now, find another place to live, another job and remove yourself from this man abusing you and taking advantage of you and your current state of weakness, you will see things clearer and put yourself out of harms way when she does find out. Empower yourself and free yourself from another abusive situation. Please act now. Act fast and remove yourself out of that environment.

Good Luck and God Bless!

"the husband helped me to get out of a sexually abusive situation with my extended family"
that should read "the husband manipulated me by pretending to care that I was being sexually abused, so that he could abuse me himself"

If he cared about what you were going through he would never have touched you. I believe he knew that a girl/woman who is sexually abused is vulnerable, and he took advantage of that.

I'm not one to think "poor OW she was used" but sometimes life situations make someone less able to think about things as clearly and walk away when they should. Sexual abuse does make a person vulnerable to false professions of "love" those who have been abused want love so badly that they grab on to it, even when they should know it isn't real.

Get yourself a tape recorder. Next time he wants sex from you hide it and record the conversation. Say NO and mean it. If he persists, that's sexual harrassment.

When my H began his affair with the cow last year she was crying to him about her husband abusing her daughter. I KNOW MY HUSBAND and I know that had he not thought that he could take advantage of that suituation, he wouldn't really have cared what her husband was doing. It's just not the way he is. He's more like "bad things happen all the time, we can't worry about all of it and we can't get involved in it". We once were friends with a couple who we later found out the man was beating his children, my H did nothing. It wasn't his concern. It was something that was her responsibility to do something about, not his. Had he been interested in a relationship with the wife, he would have pretended that he cared very much about what was happening to her kids, but he wasn't interested in her, so he didn't do anything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toomanylies:
<strong>Get yourself a tape recorder. Next time he wants sex from you hide it and record the conversation. Say NO and mean it. If he persists, that's sexual harrassment.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Correction - that's rape.

I thought about the tape recorder as well, but didn't recommend it in hopes that she'd just run. Better to run to protect herself than to trap the slimeball into a rape case which may come down to she said/he said even with a recording.

No need to get heroic here. Just run,

WAT

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

be:

You have an internet connection, so go here:

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/6/ubb.x?a=cfrm&s=244008616

and scroll down 2 where it says "Reclamation ~ Finding Your Way Home"

It's a PRIVATE forum where you can post for help 2 end your affair, IF YOU REALLY WANT 2 END IT, but find it difficult 2 do so.

-ol' 2long

Yoohoo....brighteye.

Are you out there? How about some feedback.

O
^^^^^^^^^^

Sorry for taking so long to reply. First of all, I truly thank you all for your advice, encouragement, and sincerity in telling me the truth. Below I have answered all of your questions. I love and appreciate all of you for your help!

Are you being held against your will?
No

Are you an illegal and worried about extradition?
No, I was born in Canada, I am a Canadian citizen.

Why are you not in a position to make what you know is the morally responsible choice?
Financially, I cannot get my own place, but if I really need to move out I could go to my brother and his wife's home. The truth is that the reason I have not done so in the past, is that I was afraid of having to explain why.

Is there more going on here here?
Are you also on salary, or are you somewhat an indentured servant to them?
I am on salary, but over the last 5 months, I have just been working enough hours to pay for rent only. They are both self-employed and his wife pays me from her income. However, over the last 5 months their income has decreased, therefore she is only able to pay me just to cover the rent.

And he is sexually abusing you himself. What a hero .... NOT.
Yes

How much older than you is this guy? What are both your ages?
He is 34 years old. I am 27 years old.

How can you even look his wife and kids in the eye?
I don’t know. I guess I just numbed myself to this situation. I feel down right low and dirty.

Call your Mother. Tell her about this. Ask for her help.
One thing to understand about this situation is that he and his wife are my direct business associates right now. My family does not want me involved in this business, all because they don’t understand the concept of it. They were against me getting into this business in the first place. This would give them ALOT, FIRE POWER to use this situation against me for the rest of my life!!! The type of business is Network Marketing or Online Private Franchising. They just want me to get a normal job like everyone else.

Can you do this?
Right now I am working towards leaving, because I will be starting a day administrative job as of next week. The location of the job is far from where I live and I don’t have a car (I have my license though). So if I move to my brother and his wife it is a bit closer

My question to all of you is how can possibly tell his wife? I believe this would devast me - NOT to mention his wife!!

Please move in with your brother ASAP! THEN tell his wife. Yes she will be devastated, but she deserves to know. Will she hate you? maybe, maybe not. If my H's XOW had ever come to me and said that she was truly sorry for what she had done I don't think I would be so consumed with hate for her. Instead she told me that I "deserved it" then she proceeded to tell me what a horrible wife/mother/person I am, all of it complete bullsh*t! Even AFTER my H told her that she had been lied to and that I was none of the things she said about me, she still didn't apologise. HOW can a HUMAN BEING hurt another so deeply that it will effect the rest of their life and NOT be sorry for it?

Sorry for trailing off the subject. You do have to tell her. Just think of how she will feel if she finds out by reading something on the computer, or overhearing her H say something to you. Chances are she has suspicions. I can't imagine not suspecting when both H and OW live in the house. Maybe what you should do is get out first, then tell her H that he has one day to tell her himself and that you will call his W the next day to tell her yourself.

You are going to have to just resolve yourself to losing both of them. You can't stay friends with either of them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Brighteye:
<strong>My question to all of you is how can possibly tell his wife? I believe this would devast me - NOT to mention his wife!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you feel low and dirty, then "coming clean" with his wife will help you regain your worth.

Yes, she might be devastated. Then again, she might already know. She might be suspicious, but too afraid to confront you or him - in this case, your confession would be her relief!

Doing the right things is sometimes the hardest things to do and there's not much to make this situation easier. But once done, you will be glad you did - not immediately, but soon.

Go to your brother's then tell his wife. Also tell her about this site - this will be the second most compassionate thing you can do.

WAT