I exposed the A yesterday to the OW H. She left him the night before. They are getting a divorce. Now she is free to be with my H. Wonderful. He is still fence sitting. Doesn't know what to do. I think she is pushing it as only 4 more months until I have a baby. Time is running out. Also she is leaving the department. I think they may have plans this weekend. Trying to find out. If I think he may be seeing her should I tell him to leave until he decides to have NC???

Congradulation! You did a good job. I can not offer you any advice b/c I am so confused myself. Satnd still. Valuable advice will pour in to you.

i think more people would be inclined to say that NC agreement is necessary even though you are pregnant but then again i can't speak for them. i don't have a lot of experience in this. just know that you will be able to look back and not have to ask yourself "what if" questions regarding exposure to the OW H. stay the course and prayers to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> I exposed the A yesterday to the OW H. She left him the night before. They are getting a divorce. Now she is free to be with my H. Wonderful. He is still fence sitting. Doesn't know what to do. I think she is pushing it as only 4 more months until I have a baby. Time is running out. Also she is leaving the department. I think they may have plans this weekend. Trying to find out. If I think he may be seeing her should I tell him to leave until he decides to have NC??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't despair, here is the theory. (I'm about 6 months down the road you are on, and my wife has not come home yet either, affair still going on, etc. But here is the theory.)

1. Affairs are built on lies. They only spend "good" time together so of course she will have all sorts of great feelings.

2. I'm sure she has negative feelings associated with you. That just happens when two people are together.

So what do you do with exposure and even plan B? You get it out into the open and let the illicit relationship experience trouble on it's own. You let reality set in. It's no longer a romance novel but full of real life issues.

You are working on your weak points at the time while she is discovering all of his.

So you get better, he looks average or worse.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But that is why you work on bettering yourself in both Plan A and Plan B.

Remember, these plans are not about catering to your spouse, but improving yourself. Sometimes that means improving how you attempt to meet their needs (Plan A) but you also have to at some point disconnect to avoid LB's as well as to protect what remaining romantic love you have for your spouse.

I know it's hard to see now, but you will live with or without your spouse. I understand that you want to live WITH her, but maybe she needs to learn that life isn't that fake romance novel she is living now and the grass really isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

It's a tough pill to swallow, and I have trouble from time to time, cry about it, get mad with God about it, etc.

However, deep down in my heart and mind, I know that I will survive this, and be a better person. My pledge to my wife has always been to either be:

A) The best husband she has ever had
B) The best ex-husband she has ever had

She gets to choose that role.

Tony

Good job, durham, but is there anybody else you can expose it to? Your H's family?

How long have you been in Plan A?

Can you afford some coundeling with one of the MB counselors?

Asking him to leave may be the next thing to do. I don't expect he'll agree to NC at this point. However, he doesn't HAVE to leave.

First, please tell us your living arrangements: rent or own; whose name is your home in; any other children; who controls the money?

WAT

I am in MC currently that is helping. We have a house together. He would stay with his parents. They already know about it and are not happy with him. If he does move out to start seeing her to I follow plan B. I surely don't want him to have both.

Yes, I believe Plan B is next.

But see if he'll make the decision to leave on his own.

You have to bite hard and contiune Plan A for a while if you can. Reason: OW leaving her family DOES free up things a bit for them. Good. He needs to get the full "benefit" of her, a full dose. This will give him a chance to see more of her warts. If you can maintain a steady Plan A thru this, you look better and better compared to her.

But if you can't keep this up and feel like you're at the end of your rope AND he made the decision to leave, then Plan B.

Summary: do not ask him to leave until you simply cannot stand it anymore. Reach down deep and find the strength. Avoid LBs like the plague. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. In the meantime, get your Plan B letter written. Ask your OB about antidepressants.

Allow him to make the decision to move out. Don't try to stop him. Don't whine, beg, or be needy. LET HIM GO! This may be absolutely necessary for him to see what he's in for. Living with his parents who don't approve will be no day at the beach. Make sure his parents know you want to save your marriage.

Do you have someone who can give you legal advice? If he leaves, you need to be prepared to protect yourself financially.

WAT

Durham -

Bravo! You did a good job here. Now the light of day will shine on the A.

Please listen to WAT. Plan A like your life depends on it. You make yourself the best Durham possible. Like WAT said if it becomes too much for you...move to plan B. I agree that living with his parents will only help you lift the fog.

If you exposed at work the fact that he has to go to work everyday and face those people will benefit you as well. Hiding the A helped him face those co-workers. Now he can't hide from them and the fact that what he did was wrong.

As soon as he faces that the fog will start to lift.

My being with you a safe place for him. Right now he probably does not feel very safe.

I made sure to let my H know I would forgive him and I would let it go.

I am worried about your stress with the baby on the way. Are you sleeping? Does your OB know what is going on? Please talk to your doctor.

Good job. Are you able to stay in Plan A for awhile longer, or have you had it? If possible stay in Plan A. If not, time for Plan B. But since you are pregnant, I would try to hang in there for awhile longer, unless you are too stressed. Remember, you and baby should come first.

In my case, nothing good came about breaking the 2 of them up UNTIL their job became aware of their indiscretions. (don't know if this applies in your case).

However, when A was exposed at work the other man went away both in spirit and in fact. It was also the only thing that made him show his real and true self to my W. (And he wasn't very pretty). The light of truth forced him to scramble to try and save his job and His M. He and my WW turned on each other in an attempt to save their own as**S.

Don't know if this will help but getting the light shined on all areas of the A (including career) was the only thing that got rid of and has kept this OM away from us.

D76,

Great job! I too hate not knowing what is going to happen and my WH is so uncertain of the future. While he now realizes that there is no future with OW, he waffles back and forth regarding our future cause he's not sure if he'll ever be able to be "in love" with me again. But then he'll say things like, "we should buy a car with room in the back for three car seats."

What's been a huge comfort for me, and I think WH, is that we shouldn't even worry or analyze our love feelings until withdrawal is over. I was in a bs fog, getting disappointed that my WH wasn't being loving toward me. For now, I will be my WH's friend, confidant, and partner (just not love partner). So, I'm trying to slow down my marathon pace and have no real deadlines, my pregnancy is only a timeline for setting up the baby room - not the marriage.

So an A hurts your ego a bit and then being pregnant with your body hijacked by nature - well, it's really hard to feel sexy or desirable right now. Today during lunch a man totally checked me out, his eyes went from my boobs to my stomach to my boobs and THEN my face and then back to my boobs and stomach. He made a dirty little smile and nodded his head at me. GROSS. I guess I'm more comfortable not being seen as sexy.

Durham-

I'm not sure if it is time for plan B. That is your decision base it on what feels most comfortable to you.

Thought I would summarize my story for you. I am also pregnant (due in 13 weeks). My D-day was 2/2/04 my Wh moved to his dad's 3 weeks later. This was something I suggested at one time because of continued phone contact with OW. I later found this site and am in plan A. I'm holding off on plan B for the following reasons:
1. I realize I have not met my WH's EN the last 2 years.
2. He is deep in the fog. I don't believe he is fence sitting yet he wants OW but there are obstacles. OW lives in another state and he is not willing to move there and leave our other children. OW is talking about moving here. Plan A is my chance to show him I'm still a great wife.
3. I want him to witness the birth of our 3rd child which is not possible in Plan B.

If your D-day was recent your rollercoaster is at top speed. Take your time the decision to go to plan B should not be made hastily. Reading the other threads it takes a lot of strength to go dark. I know I am not mentally ready.

Good luck and great job on exposing.

Jenn has a good point about "finishing" Plan A first. This is why I stressed demonstrating your improvements.

Being there for the birth of your child is also a powerful issue.

You didn't answer my question if you have other children.

WAT

durham,

Make your Plan A as flawless as possible in the anticipation that IF he moves out, or continues to flaunt his affair that you may need to go to Plan B. No LBs...fill what needs are reasonable and you feel comfortable doing. Confront him with your feelings about the A...how sad you are. How sad you feel for the baby. How disappointed you are etc. Do it in a way that is about your feelings and is respectful.

If he moves out....please go straight to Plan B. It may be scary that the other marriage is disolving....but really....that could be temporary. Neither the OW or your husband have tried to live in fantasyland yet...they may quickly find that it isn't the magically kingdom they expected....ESPECIALLY when they have more time together, when they must face the losses of their families, the disrespect of their friends, family or peers. The thrill of secrecy will be gone....and the reality of their choices will make their time together so much less enjoyable.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

You have done a very brave thing, and I send you prayers and blessings to you and your baby. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You know, Loy is in somewhat the same boat as you are and would a good source of strength for you. I have a great deal of respect for her and I hope you two will join forces and shore each other up. There is a strange dynamic that occurs around pregnancy....for some men....it is the desexualization of their wives....and many do not cope with it well. My H didn't. Both of this infidelities surrounded pregnancy. At a time when we should have been the closest....we were the farthest away.

durham - notice how consistent our recommendations are?

This should tell you plenty.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to allow your H to be free to take in OW to the fullest extent. Allow him to drink from a fire hose. Very frequently, this is all it takes for a WS to realize that this drink doesn't taste so good afterall.

WAT

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

durham, good job! I hope you can also steer the H to this site so we can help him save his marriage. Does he want to save his marriage?

I agree with the others that it is WAY TOO SOON to even be thinking about Plan B. If you go into Plan B too soon, you just throw them in the arms of the OW. You want to go into Plan B leaving them with a good taste in their mouth. I would do everything you can right now to keep him home, short of pleading and begging. If he leaves now, it is a sure fire bet he will go to the OW and you don't want that.

This is your opportunity to do the best Plan A you can do. Do you fully understand what Plan A means? Trying your best to meet his needs and avoiding lovebusters.

Durham -

I think one point to make here is that you need to present yourself and your home as a place for your H to feel safe.

He needs to know that you will forgive him and you will overcome this. One thing that I found in several situation on this board where the WS feels that they will be made to suffer for thier mistakes for the duration of the M.

Please remember in your plan A to avoid bringing up the A as much as possible. Make it clear to your H that you know he made a mistake and that you will forgive him for that if he decides to come back to the M. Recognize that you have not met his ENs and that you are willing to work on that. You need to get into C quick.

I am very worried about your stress level with your condition. Are you resting? I know it has to be hard.

My heart cries out to you and your baby. Please let us know you are OK.