Hi.

I've been married five years. I'm 30, my wife is 27. We do not have children.

I'm really ashamed to admit this. I am in a point of extreme temptation.

I work at a normal job during the day and I teach in the evenings. Unfortunately, I teach five nights a week, 6-11.

Naturally this kind of schedule can be a challenge for a marriage, but wife and I have always done remarkably well considering. (We get along very well, we're happy when together, etc.)

I have had this job for 18 months.

Because of several decisions we've made as a family (my wife wanting this more than me), we've purchased a house that is a little more than we need and a little higher than I can afford on just my day job. Worse, we bought some funiture as well... essentially adding expenses that have made it impossible for me to quit the night job right away. (Hopefully within the next three months: Negotiating a raise with day employer, working on doing contract work in evening from home.)

Here's the situation: I've become infatuated with a coworker. She's 25, single, intelligent, very pretty, etc. She has given me a lot of reason to think that she has similar feelings for me, but I can't be positive. I haven't decided if she is trying to start something with me, or if she is simply purposely trying to make me want her for her own ego boost. (For all I know, she treats other instructors this way as well... although I don't think so.) Before we started talking a lot, I would catch her looking at me when she thought I wouldn't notice. She is openly flirtatious with me. I have responded in kind, but she was the definite initiator. (Doesn't reduce my responsibility at all.) She also has prodded me at least once to attend a school function so we could possibly go out afterward (presumably in a group). She has told me intimate details about herself... such as that she is looking for a husband, I should try to hook her up with a friend, etc. When I helped a friend get a job at the same school, she asked if he was single, then asked if he had any kids. She implied if he didn't have any kids she would still be interested even if he was married (jokingly, flirtatiously). I think this was directed at me in a round-about-way.

Anyway, my problem is that I can't stop thinking about her. Her job is such that she stops by my classroom daily or every other day. If I don't see her for a day it depresses me. If I don't talk to her I feel empty. She really has me wrapped around her finger, but she doesn't know it. Yet, she also seems to have a thing for me.

I know if I was rude to her she would back away immediately, but I just don't want to do that. I like the attention too much.

Having said all that, I love my wife deeply. I don't want to hurt her. I don't think this infatuation has any validity to it. I feel like a junkee or something. On two recent occassions I told my wife I didn't want to be married. I told her that my evening job was exposing me to a lot of single people who were influencing me. I didn't tell her there was a specific girl at the root of this. (She guess that there was, but I denied it.) I couldn't bear to hurt her with that kind of info. I told her I was sorry for what I said and that I wanted to make our marriage last.

Basically, growing up I didn't date a lot, and when I started to "get it" on how to attract women my Christian faith kept me from living out the wild life that I guess I've always felt I was missing out on. I was married a virgin (technically, tho there were other "things" I had done). I've been told I am highly intelligent, eloquent, pretty handsome, and very successful by a lot of people.

I guess my point is that I desperately want to be wanted. This intense desire is at odds with my marriage vows to a woman I deeply love.

Another ironic aspect of this is that the woman that infatuates me is nowhere near as beautiful as my wife. My wife is one of those woman that get the attention of a room when she walks into it.

Wow, I know I must sound like a needy, whiny narcissist, but could someone please help me here. I'm at a loss. Honest opinions welcome.

john_g

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs?

It sounds like your needs aren't being met at home. I'd suggest that and I'd tell my wife what is happening. She can't combat something is she doesn't know about it.

If you want your marriage to last you need to wake up and realize that this little "relationship" you have with your co-worker is wrong. You will destroy your wife...the woman you say you love...for what? To spend time with a woman that does not compare to your wife.

If you are a Christian then the fact that this woman is throwing herself at married men should tell you this is bad news and not something accepted with your religion.

This chick has issues. She carrying some serious baggage. Think about it. Why else would she be doing this? You are in some type of FOG where you are letting your issues with your home life put a shadow on your love of your wife. Are you using the fact that YOUR WIFE wanted the house and YOUR WIFE wanted the furniture and now YOU have to work day and night to pay for it. So maybe you are justifing this relationship by that statement.

Get over it. You can't possibly tell me that it was all her decision to get the house and furniture. I think you were involved in that decision but she may have been the driving force.

If what you say is true and this was all her doing and you weren't involved in that decision then I'm going to ask you to step away from the computer, pick up the phone and call 911...someone has stolen your spine and you require immediate medical attention.

You are living in a fantasy land with the tramp at work. Your wife is living in the dark because she does not know what is going on. The tramp is living in low self-esteem land and looking for any and all attention she can get...you fell into her trap.

Wake up brother. Get on your knees and pray to God. Ask for the strength to do what is right for your marriage. Tell your wife and tell the co-worker to back off...you dont' have to say it like that but you can send signals to make your point.

Hello John,

Welcome to MB.

You are now standing on the precipice of a great cliff and this is your chance to STEP away,no RUN AWAY as fast as you can from the catastrophy about to take place(infidelity).

This OW is BLATANTLY trying to get you to fall into her trap,you can see that don't you?? Yes the addictive powers of infatuation are strong but this is the perfect time to get as much help and support as you can before you succumb.

Many of us here will tell you that once you take that first hit,you are on a downward spiral to he**.It is NOT a pretty picture.The fact that you came here looking for help says to me that you are not that far gone yet.Talk to your wife,call a counselor,do whatever you need to do to stop yourself from making a horrific decision.

Sit down with your wife and look her in the eyes deeply and tell her that "Something SERIOUS" is going on in your life now(marriage) and you need to tell her.Make her listen.She has to understand the GRAVITY of the situation at hand.

Keep coming back here and posting for help.Read all the MB concepts too.We will get you through this.

O

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

No matter how good the crack feels, the first time, or the next time, you'll always want another hit. And the destruction you have already embarked on will get progressively worse, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. You are addicted to "feeling good about you, because you allowed someone to make you feel that good", when you know you shouldn't have put yourself in that position. Affairs are addictions.

If you are as smart as we all hope you are, you will stop this very selfish and thoughtless interaction with the co-worker immediately. You are already in an emotional affair. Every thought you have about this woman cheats your wife of thoughts you should be having for her. And whether you know it, or not, and I think you do, you have become more distant from your wife since this began. Not only that, you believe you may not love her, as you once did. And her faults may have become "larger than life" since your feelings for the other woman have grown.

You need to read the introduction to the MB site immediately. You need to talk with your wife about this relationship immediately. You need to begin a lifetime of NO CONTACT with the co-worker immediately.

If you let this continue, you will embark on the most miserable, grief stricken, painful days of your life. And your wife will feel double the pain you feel, for having been deceived, cheated, and totally disrespected.

Others will post and give their opinions. Some may be harsh. But know that most people on this site have been crushed by what you are currently inflicting on your wife. This is a site full of real people, who have been there, done that, and have permanent scars on their chests, rather than t-shirts.

Your fantasy world of an emotional affair WILL ultimately lead you down a path of dispair and destruction next to none you've ever experienced. If it goes to the next step, a physical affair, the damage will be 10 fold.

Assume that right now, you are drunk, and we are taking the keys from you. Friends don't allow friend to have affairs!

You know the right thing to do already. Get busy with it, for your own sake, and even more, for your wife's sake.

Shattered Dreams

PS. I normally sign SD. Shattered Dreams was an easy identity to choose, when I found out my wife of 29 years had an affair. I only mention that to you to give you one more thought as to the emotional freight train you are standing in front of.

SD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by john_g:

Wow, I know I must sound like a needy, whiny narcissist, but could someone please help me here. I'm at a loss. Honest opinions welcome.

john_g</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah!

You don't sound that bad.

Pretty conflicting senario, isn't it?

I think you already know what to do, and you just need a push.

Don't think with your "little head" mister.... that's gotten plenty of basically nice guys into deep doodoo. Use your actual brain here.


Tell your wife. Print out your post, and take the plunge of actual intimacy with your wife.

Being truely intimate is a risk. This means becoming emotionally naked and vulnerable to your wife.

If you don't tell your wife, your marriage will suffer and deteriorate.... like a slow leak.

Better a loud blow out, and then do whatever repair necessary.

Pep

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Bravo SD. I never tire of crack analogies.

This one was perfect in this situation.

john_g,

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

First of all, I commend you for openly discussing embarrassing truths about yourself and asking for help. That is hard to do.

Like everyone has said - TELL YOUR WIFE. Yes, she'll be hurt. She might get angry and throw things. But she will appreciate your honesty. Go to her and ask her assistance. She will respond. Telling her will require bravery but will in the long run be a gift of such huge proportions that I don't think it can really be explained to you right now.

You don't mention whether you have children. Could your wife accompany you once or twice a week to your night job? Sit in on a class? Be a teacher's aide? Hang out in the break room and read? Enjoy a cup of coffee with you during breaks?

Don't worry about "being mean" to OW (other woman) or hurting her feelings. You'll be doing her a favor, too, by indirectly discouraging her from pursuing you and encouraging her to seek a more appropriate companion. Note I said *indirectly*! Don't you DARE start any kind of relationship talk with her, even a "this can't go anywhere" talk!!

Tell your wife NOW, and keep posting. It's gonna be a little rocky and tough for a while but boy oh boy will it be worth it!

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

There are several things you need to think about.
First, how would you like if your wife was the one in that situation? Second, could you be fantasizing and this girl is just playing with you? Third, would you consider for a partner a woman who is capable of breaking a marriage? If you think you are too close to the fire, walk away before youget burned and burn others in the process. IT IS NOT WORTH ALL THE PAIN THAT WILL RESULT FROM IT.

john_g:

Assuming you're not just a fly-by-night troll... ...you are a LIAR. How does that make you feel? About YOU, about your INTEGRITY, about your MORALITY.

"I didn't tell her there was a specific girl at the root of this. (She guess that there was, but I denied it.) "

The simplest thing 2 do here 2 defuse this si2ation from getting more out of hand than it presently is, is 2:

♠ Tell your wife EVERTHING that you just told us, and

♣Tell this "coworker" that you have told your W and that you are committed 2 keeping your marriage together and HONEST. Nothing more. This coworker deserves no more of you.

-2long

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

OK.

First, a million thanks for every reply. I really appreciate each one of you who took a minute to tell me your thoughts.

I'm going to try to put this advice into use.

Is there another path besides telling my wife specifically about this specific coworker? I told her already I find myself enticed at times by other women--specifically at my evening job. She knows this situation and presently she either is in denial or has decided she can't do anything about it. (She acts about the same as before I told her.)

I believe if I said there was a specific woman, my wife will show up at my job and find her and confront her or find someone she thinks is the person and confront her. I know I caused this--not her. But I just don't want my job to become incredibly awkward. I guess I made that choice already. I know whatever her reaction would be is completely justified.

As for the coworker, I can "close" this connection that seems to have opened up. I think. I hope. Please pray for me.

Like turtle suggested, my wife could definitely come see me at my job at least once a week (maybe more, but we live 40 minutes from the school). We talked about doing this, but then I felt enticed by the coworker again and put away the idea.

Anyway, I am a liar and a thief, or something worse. Definitely double-minded. But the gravity of your posts is reminding me of what a deception these feelings I have are.

I know you are all probably going to insist I talk to my wife about this. I'm just so stubborn! How should I say it? I definitely can't show her this thread.

Hi again john,

By the nature of your work you are going to have to make some drastic changes in the way you deal with women other than your wife.You need to guard your heart and mind or else you will be repeatedly tempted away from her.Until you can cut back on your hours or unless your W(wife) can come see you more at work, you are vulnerable.

DO ask your wife to come here and read after you tell her your feelings.YES,she will be very hurt but tell her there is a group of people waiting for her to come here and help her if she would like.We understand the pain she will have and we can help you BOTH.

Look,honesty IS the best policy and there is no two ways about this.In order for you both to truly move beyond this painful stage you are entering,you both have to lay bare ANY and all preconceived notions,ideas,thoughts and unrealities.This can actually be a very exciting time if you think about it.

When many of us end up in stagnant levels in our marriages,this is the kind of wake up call that can enliven the marriage and rekindle feelings for each other.There's hardly a better reason to really reach out to each other when you have narrowly escaped disaster,right? If you are half way there you are better off than many other folks.Keep forging ahead in the right direction,the road you know is right and the one we will help keep you on.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Perhaps you can't show her this thread, with all the responses that you've received, but you could show her YOUR posting.

It appears that you were "flat out" honest with us here on the forum. Why should your wife deserve any less?

Purchase a copy of His Needs/Her Needs, and show your wife YOUR posting. You may even want to explain that the replies here "reminded" you that the most important woman in your life was your wife.

That's why you showed her your post, bought the book HS/HN, and brought them to HER, so this could be out in the open, and discussed with ABSOLUTE HONESTY AND OPENESS, between two adults who have committed to a life together.

You might even consider, or discuss considering marriage counseling, or, exploring deeply the Marriagebuilder's website.

Do not ever doubt that stopping this mess now is the Right thing to do. Until you've been a Wayward Spouse, or a Betrayed Spouse, you simply cannot conceive what ruin can become of life as you know it.

You may want to purchase and read Surviving an Affair, too, as it explains the dynamics involved, and why they happen, how to end them, and how to build a better, affair-proof marriage.

You didn't describe too much about your wife, except that she had some suspicions. But, think about this. If your marriage had become "complacent" enough that you were vulnerable to an affair, your wife's state of mind might be just the same! She might even have beat you to the punch.

Fess up, end contact with the co-worker once and for all, apologize to your wife, and set out to make amends, and learn how meet each other's needs.

God Bless

SD

"Is there another path besides telling my wife specifically about this specific coworker? I told her already I find myself enticed at times by other women"

No, there isn't. What you've left her with is uncertainty and suspiscion. Do you want that 2 be the gist of your marriage for the remainder of it? (which will be greatly shortened by this kind of barrier 2 honesty).

-ol' 2long

Thanks, Oct, SD, and 2long.

I will try to follow your advice. I will definitely pick up the book you recommended. (I will try to find it today before work.)

Your posts are incredibly helpful.

God bless,
jg

Another thought.

Do you ever struggle with the idea that happiness is what you make it?

As a Christian, I've always embraced the idea that happiness is "wanting what you have" not "having what you want".

But then I begin to worry that at age 80 I'm going to look back and regret my restraint, wish I had taken every opportunity for hedonism, and despise my choices.

I guess it becomes a question of my faith in God. I question if there is a God. If there is a God, then my every action matters; otherwise, absolutely nothing matters and I should live for the moment. But if I do live for the moment will I find a shred of happiness in it?

Contemporary television, movies, music suggests that there is nothing better than unexpected "love". Most stories seems to be about love or romance. The message seems to be that being famous, popular, wanted is the best thing in the world.

Logically, I know that can't be true, but the message becomes so overwhelming.

Just something I find myself thinking about... and it becomes a source of temptation.

Hi john,

That's one reason I rarely watch TV anymore.We are made to feel as though romance and sex and being young and outgoing is all that matters.To 20 year olds maybe BUT life ALWAYS intercedes.It's never as glamorous as depicted on TV,I mean GAG!

I read an interesting article in Psychology Today about the search for "soul mates" being the down fall of marriage and I also read some interesting information from Dr.Phil's book: Relationship Rescue.One paragraph in that book really stuck out for me.In it he states that it is humanly impossible to remain in the first stage of love which is *infatuation,this is a chemical reaction in the brain and also leads to an emotional one.So I can understand if what you are feeling is that you might be missing a big opportunity here for all time "Happiness".

Undoubtedly,if you did leave your wife and be with this OW(other woman)over time these feelings would decrease and you would find yourself with another woman but also just another set of issues.Another thing Dr.Phil said is that you can't go jumping from one emotional "high" to another or else you will never have a long,deep lasting loving relationship with one person.Real,long lasting secure love is what happens/transmutes AFTER the infatuation stage and you have developed enough trust and security in each other.

If you do look back on your life when your 80,what will you be proud to say to yourself or your grandchildren? Wil it matter more that you spent your time and energy chasing after women each time the "spell" wore off OR will you be sitting on that porch in your rocking chair,with your wife next to you,holding hands and talking about the long lasting love you have had for each other.About the wonderful family you have raised or been a part of.About the kind of people you are and the respect you get.

Life is choices.If we all were self centered and went about our lives pleasing ourselves and taking what we wanted for pleasure only,in time I am sure that would become a very empty existence.We would be nothing but big ID's running around looking for the bigger the better this or that.Just for that feeling of pleasure(pleasure principle).And we want it NOW.

Don't be assimilated in the mainstream culture john.I have made a conscious effort not to be.I don't think that what's being suggested to us in society and in the media is for the best.In fact I find it rather self serving.And I think it's getting worse.Take a moment and write down exactly what TV has for programming these days.It's pathetic.

I'm sure you are confused right now.When you start having feelings for someone other than your spouse,it makes you question everything.Did you make the right decision marrying your wife? Is there someone better out there for me? Am I getting all that I want and need? Don't I DESERVE more? Shouldn't I feel this way or that all the time? Blah blah blah.We are programmed to want,need,desire,have MORE of everything.When is enough enough? When is it good enough?

Simple pleasures are the best.

o

John- You've got excellent advice here- don't "try" to take it- DO it.I wish I knew how to copy what you wrote- the question about "taking another path"-That's the wrong way to start.You MUST be TOTALLY open and honest at all times, otherwise when your wife does find out that you weren't she will have more reason to doubt anything you say. I hope you have or will read the other posts, especially on Just Found Out- then you will realize what you are in for- what this will do to you and to your wife- until it actually happens, you have NO IDEA what you will be putting her through.

You have got to tell her the truth. You maybe thinking that she will be hurt- but believe me until you have been there, you don't know what hurt means. Hurt does not mean being angry for a while with you, but hurt is the agony whe will be going for for MONTHS, wondering how you could put someone else above her.Read the posts - you'll find out that hurt takes many forms- insecurity, confusion, depression, anger, -the list goes on and on.

I really wish my husband had come to me when he first became "interested" . I sure would have been upset and angry, but in hindsight I think I would have more respect for him if he had the courage and integrity to tell me.That's part of the consequences you'll have to face if you don't-and there are many other consequences as well which you will find out--IT ISN'T WORTH IT!!!

Only you can decide how to proceed, but you came here asking for help, so please take it from those who know how much pain will be created for both of you IF YOU DON"T TELL HER THE TRUTH.

Keep reading and posting--

John, above all, do NOT tell the OW that she is on your mind, that you are thinking of her.

That will just give her ammunition to pursue you even more.

It has been said many times here at this MB that affairs cannot happen if just one of the parties says "NO".

You can be that one John, and thus be taking the high ground, the respected ground.
Guaranteed you won't be sorry for doing the right thing.
Sincerely, Julie

P.S. And John, many of us do understand about getting 'smitten' over someone and how they take up a lot of mind thoughts. Almost constantly at times. BUT you can still do the right thing!

John,

I’m a FWW who was involved in a friendship at work (mostly on e-mail). I see some similarities in our stories and I want to tell you about my situation:

My friendship with OM became inappropriate and developed to beginning stage of EA during the third year of e-mail contact. Although there was no physical involvement of any kind (thank God!) the temptation was very big. As your coworker, OM also started flirting with me (in a subtle way on e-mail) and sometimes I’ve responded on it in kind. I liked the attention and the feeling of “being wanted”. I knew he found me very attractive and on one or two occasions I also catches “that look” in his eyes during times I was in his presence and he thinks I didn’t notice…A few times he told me he wish he could hug me, and although the temptation was very big, I always resisted out of fear that it would eventually lead to more… At that stage I became emotionally attached to OM and physically attracted to him, but I resisted acting on my feelings for him because I loved my H too much and know I would never be able to live with the guilt of a physical involvement. As a result I started fantasizing about OM as an “outlet” for my feelings and at the same time I felt very guilty about it… You see, I was also technically a virgin when I got married to my husband and this was the first time I “desired” another man after I’ve got married. I’m also a Christian with high morals and strong conscience and I never though I would ever find myself in a situation where I would get tempted… At the time I know I commit “adultery in the heart” because according to Script if you just look at another women (or man) to desire him/her you’ve already commit adultery in the heart even if nothing happened physically…

I have learned very, very big lessons from my experience…. Sometimes affairs might happen because of other reasons than problems/issues within marriage… And sometimes affairs might also happen to good, religious people because of some weaknesses/ vulnerabilities within themselves. I have learned that affairs can happen to ANYONE if not careful. It’s so, so easy for the devil to get a footstep if we don’t guard our hearts and souls… I tell you all these things to let you know that I understand these temptation you’re going through right now, but please, please DON’T allow this involvement with this co-worker to develop any further. You say you love you wife… Then PLEASE be honest with her about EVERYTHING and your temptation and spar her the pain of a secret physical affair… I don’t want to see you going down that path… You’re ALREADY involved in an EA. An involvement edges into an EA if the following 3 elements are present (as described by Shirley Glass in her book “Not Just Friends”):

* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.'' (Although you haven’t yet told her any intimate details about yourself she has already told you intimate details about herself and this is emotional itimacy).

* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.'' (You keep this involvement with the co-worker and all the details about your feelings etc. secret from your wife).

* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction. (There is strong sexual chemistry between you although she doesn’t know how you feel).

John, I understand the confusion you have because of this infatuation you have with the coworker (I have struggled with the same thing) but there is a very big difference between “in love” (fog) feelings (you have for the co-worker and you often see on TV, movies etc.) and “real love” (that's suppose to be in a long lasting realtionship like marriage). Please read the following I have send to another thread a while ago, then you will better understand:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Biologically, there is no difference between the Fog and “falling in love”. Everyone goes through what we call the Fog when they fell in love with their spouses. In a 'normal' relationship, this 'fog' isn't a problem. And as the relationship progresses, the chemicals that cause this feeling eventually 'dry up', and if the relationship is to continue, then another kind of love takes it's place. A committed, stable affection that can grow deeper throughout the years. This is the real glue that holds a relationship together for the long term. And it's based on trust, truth and respect (among other things). But another dynamic comes into play when an affair takes place and we call it the Fog instead:

In an affair, biology takes the reins. Both the WS and the OP are riding that chemical wave. Physical attractiveness isn't usually an issue because the affair started through an emotional connection. Romantic love is an extremely powerful emotion, people lose their spouses, their homes, their children, their jobs, their self respect, dignity and the respect of those around them to experience that feeling of romantic love. Once the feeling of romantic love is established, everything else goes out the window, and this is what the BS calls the 'Fog'. Inevitably, those chemicals will 'dry up' too. When the WS starts to lose the feeling of romantic love with the OP, the WS will think back and reflect on what has happened. They start to realize all the pain that they have caused, all the things that they have given up and then the Fog starts to clear.

The Fog also has much to do with infatuation where:
- One is totally occupied and fascinated with the individual.
- The partners feel intense emotional states filled with excitement, urgency, impulsiveness, and confusion.
- The relationship is based on very few accurate perceptions and little authentic knowledge about the person.
- They put each other on a pedestal while belittling or putting themselves down. One depends on the other for self-esteem.
- One has more to get from the relationship than give.
- One is jealous of the other person’s activities or interests beyond the relationship.
- Both can’t admit to normal human weaknesses in the other.
- They function less well than usual at school or work or home because of the relationship.
- One is terrified by the possibility that the other person will lose interest.
- They think only of the other person.

With MATURE LOVE (such as those that developed during a long, stable relationship and which is the total opposite of the Fog):
- Each person is an individual apart from the other.
- Neither depends on the other to feel complete, worthwhile, and important, secure in self-esteem and what they bring to the relationship.
- The two people can accept the fact that neither is perfect. They don’t try to change or blame each other for the differences between them.
- The relationship and the partner become only a part of one’s life, not all of it.
- The relationship remains strong in painful, difficult times as well as happy.
- They share fears and tears as easily as they do happiness and laughter.
- Each person has more energy to devote to other parts of life.
- Their love opens them to new experiences instead of shutting them away from the rest of the world.
- The two are close friends. Physical attraction is only one aspect.
- Each person continues to grow as an independent person.
- Each person gets as much joy from giving to the other as receiving.
- Both are secure in the belief that their love is as important, meaningful, and valuable to the other partner as themselves.
- Honesty and trust are openly shared as they respond to each other’s intimate feelings and concerns.
- The partners feel a responsibility for each person’s well-being and act in ways that will protect and nourish them both.

Therefore, the WS in the Fog must realize that real love is more than riding off into the sunset, more than feeling tingly all over when your lover walks in, more than passionate sex. Understanding the depths of mature love and its requirements may help build a lasting relationship that meets many needs.

"Real" love is based on trust and respect (among other things) and 2 people involved in an affair can't have the trust and respect found in a "normal", long, stable and lasting relationship. A strong relationship with "real" love cannot be built on a foundation of lies and deception and pain towards other people. The WS and OP had to lie to themselves, each other, and everyone else in order to be together. These lies will be exposed when romantic love starts to fade. This is why most affairs end within 6 months after being exposed. Why only 3% of people who started their relationship as an affair end up getting married and why 75% of those marriages fail. Isn't the BS faithfulness and unselfish love towards their WS the perfect example of "true", agape love and wouldn't any WS (when the Fog starts to fade and they can see more clearly) rather be with someone who have revealed the real meaning of "true" love towards them?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read the following thread as well, it will give you good insight:

Real/true love, ego boundaries, romantic love and feelings of love

Sorry so long, but I hope something I posted could help!

Edited to include the following:
John, I perfectly understand your feelings of not wanting to hurt the co-worker of scare her away (I struggled with the same thing and was always scared I would "hurt" OM's feelings and lost his attention and friendship by telling him our involvement became inappropriate and things have to change), but I made a HUGE mistake by NOT telling him much earlier!! Although it will be difficult you HAVE to tell the coworker the truth and ask her to stop flirting with you and stop acting inappropriately. TELL your wife (yes, she will be hurt, but it will show your commitment to her and you will win her respect in the end) and then TELL the coworker that you told your wife and she must stop her inappropriate behaviour. It seems this woman don't have any respect for you or any other married person. As some other posters have said, she's BLATANTLY trying to temp you into something that will destroy everything that's important and precious to you. Don't allow that to happen!!! The best would be if there could be no contact between the two of you, but since she's a co-worker I understand it will not always be possible to avoid her completely. (I also bump into OM occasionaly at work since we're working at the same company). But what you CAN do is keep your distance and only talk to her if it's REALLY necessary (professional purposes at work) and if so, keep it short and to the point. Don't engage into any personal/casual talk and ask her to stop visiting you to classes. Yes, it will be difficult but you wife and marraige is more important than anything else... You will "hurt" the coworker's feelings (by the way, she DESERVES to be telling the truth and being "hurt" because she's acting very inappropriately and without any respect for you, your wife or you marriage!), but your wife will get hurt so much more if you don't do it and don't put a stop to this. Remeber the old saying: "You have to be cruel to be kind!" Your wife is the innocent victim here. It will not be easy to do all these right things, but you will feel so much better and proud of yourself at the end. Ask God to give you strength and pray everyday that He must help you to keep your focus on you wife and marriage. Don't allow the devil to temp you into something that will destroy you whole life. You CAN do it. You CAN do the right thing...with God's help. And if you don't think you will be able to do all the right things, it will be better for yourself, your wife and your marriage to get another job and guard your heart, soul and thoughts against any other women in future. Do everything you can to protect yourself, wife and marriage against this temptatation and any future temptations there might be - even if it means go into IC and explore yourself.

Good luck and God bless!
Suzet

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 06:15 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there another path besides telling my wife specifically about this specific coworker? I told her already I find myself enticed at times by other women--specifically at my evening job. She knows this situation and presently she either is in denial or has decided she can't do anything about it. (She acts about the same as before I told her.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your fear and reluctance to tell your wife the entire story show that somewhere deep inside you you realize how grave this situation is. Rejoice that you have that inner voice and follow its guidance. Tell your wife the entire honest truth and ask for her help in working together with you through this. You won't regret your decision.

She's not responding "appropriately" because she doesn't have all the facts. You've admitted being enticed, and she trusts you to keep her informed if things get worse. She's not "doing anything about it" because she doesn't have all the information. She doesn't know what has to be done because she doesn't know the real situation. I'm going to cut-and-paste something I wrote a while back to someone who was in a similar position.

Your W can only understand how IMPORTANT it is that she change if you tell her the truth.

Imagine you have a life threatening disease which can be completely alleviated through a strict diet. I won't pull any punches, it's a real pain-in-the-butt diet. You have to cut out some of your absolute all-time favorite comfort foods, totally and forever. You have to carefully monitor and measure everything. You can only eat certain foods with certain other foods. Some foods you can only eat in the mornings. There are a lot of rules, and it looks like you'll never get the hang of it all. If you follow the diet, you will feel better than ever before. You'll have energy galore, and hardly ever get even a case of the sniffles. If you don't follow the diet, you will almost certainly die. If you miraculously survive, your life will be miserable and painful.

Would you want to be told the truth? Would you want to know the true severity of the situation? Would that motivate you to follow the strict diet? I would!

Or would you want your doctor to vaguely acknowledge what you already knew - your health could be better, things aren't quite perfect. What if he then asked you to follow the strict diet? Would you be motiviated? I wouldn't! I find it hard to give up chips and fries for Lent -- I sure wouldn't go to a lot of effort to change my habits and behaviors because "I've felt better".

You see where I'm going with this. Your W's M has a life-threatening disease. You're the doctor. You know she needs to take action to keep her M from dying. If she does this, the M will be healthier than ever before. These actions require a LOT of effort and perserverance. She'll only undertake such a grand project if she understands what's at stake, and the benefits she'll reap by making those changes.

Your W is not the only one who will have to work hard, and who will reap the benefits.

Imagine the doctor above, who does not tell his patient the truth. It's just too heartbreaking to see the patient suffer with the knowledge of reality. Besides, the patient might not follow the diet anyway. What's the point of telling her? So the doctor goes on to treat another patient. Do you think he'll magically be a better doctor after avoiding the "tough work" with the current patient? Or do you think his future patients are likely to suffer similarly to the current one? Which doctor do you want to be?

Marriage is HARD WORK if done properly -- but the hard work pays off in spades and makes the good times SO good, and effortless. Give your wife a proper opportunity to step up to the plate and help you do the hard work. I know it's frightening and yes, she will be hurt and angry. Invite her to this site and ask for her help. She will get over her initial reaction and thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability, and for choosing to be a partner with her and address this together.