He is doing it to me yet again. Affair with the worman at work. Lies to me. He didn't come home from work yet & does not answer his cell. I am devastated again. I have to think to breathe. We'll be married 28 years in May. I can barely type. I am so devastated. I need some words. Help me.

TLB5
I am new to this. First time ever even on a forum. Bear with me as I learn.

TLB5- First, you have to give us more info- has he done this before that you are sure of? Why do you think he's doing it again? Sometimes our imagination runs away with us after we've been betrayed-very common and understandable. We can relate to your panic, but we need to know more to give you specific advice.

TLB5-

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be, even though I am sorry you are going through this. I promise you that things will get better for you, just stick with us.

Can you give us more information? Also please check out in the Just Found Out Section, the thread called "General Welcome for All New Builders". By the way, you can start in Plan A.

Hugs to you from California.

So sorry you are here..

but welcome.

Pep

I'm sorry you have to be here. But I think you have come to the right place. I'm just learning the MB way myself so I can't offer much help, but I can say that you are not alone. I have been married 25 years to a man who has cheated several times, I know how bad this hurts.

"I have to think to breathe." I've said that many times. I think that most people probably assume that's an exaggeration, or just a way of explaining how much it hurts, but it's REAL! You actually have to remind yourself to breath! When it's that bad it has to be severe depression. Have you seen a doc about it?

My condolences. This forum is an awesome place to be, considering the circumstances. You will find here support, advice and a whole set of proven tools to deal with this situation.

There is a link to the thread believer mentioned in my sig line. It will give you a good overview.

dewt

TLB5,

You said he is doing it again.
Is your husband a serial adulterer?
A few of us here are married to serial adulterers. With serial adulterers, it will be even more important to follow the MB (Marriage Builder) principles. Plus IC (Individual Counseling) will be needed as well as the MC (Marriage Counseling).

Most of my husband's affairs happened with women he met at work. The advice for ending the affair and helping the marriage recover is for either the OW (Other Woman) or WH (Wayward Husband) to change jobs. But first you have to determine whether or not he really is having another affair. And with a serial adulterer, just switching jobs will never be enough. Through counseling your husband will need to get at the root of his problem as well as the usual work of learning to spot and avoid temptation. He can't just switch jobs every time he's faced with temptation to have another affair. And as long as he has whatever problems he has that cause him to have affairs (not just AN affair), you will not feel safe and can't trust him.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you find some hope here. I know you will find lots of good advice on what to do and support to give you the courage and strength to do it.

Read about Plan A and post here about your hurt, anger, fears. That will help you to not LB (Love Bust) your husband. Unfortunately, saying and doing what you feel like doing may only make things worse. The things that will help end the affair and restore your marriage are counter-intuitive. So be very careful how you react to your husband. He may start saying and doing some bizarre things. Don't take it seriously. Post here to vent about it and get feedback before reacting to anything.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Well - I am back. Sorry for the delay and lack of details. But - now, here's my story. I'll try to keep it short.

Hubby has crappy job environment. Professional industry in un-professional atmosphere/workplace. Jobs are tight & it's better than nothing. Meanwhile, our marriage is at an all time low - not fighting, why bother. Living like roommates - not spouses. He'd been sleeping on the couch for months because he snores. Little communication. In mid-Jan, he comes home real late - 1am - I am waiting & say - what's happening. Eventually he admits affair & says it will stop. It's been on & off ever since then. I am seeing a therapist - thank God. Helping me be a better me. Anyway - he is constantly "on the fence". Her - me - her - me. We started marriage counseling (MC)& he told her it was over & he wanted to see if the MC would help.. she went ballistic & called our house at least 50 times ranting and raving...then to his cell phone - same thing. I love you. I hate your. You @$#%@. Calling me names. Then - she called his mother - who lives in a different state. Can you imagine - she's a real fatal attraction. So - he says it's over - but its not. Back-forth. Making me nuts. SHe called my office & left me messages. Yesterday he comes home & says she was going to get another job in another city 4 hours away from here to get away from him - but if he shows her divorce papers & a ring - she'll stay. He said that the ring was too far - & he broke it off with her (again X many times) & he wants to try it with me again. I started packing a suitcase - then all of a sudden he really loves me and don't go. Ended up talking late - & I stayed. I feel that 1 day, or even 1 hour at a time I will decide how safe I feel being here. We go to sleep & 1:30am-ish the phone rings....her. Rant & rave again till 5am-ish. She left me messages again at work. I fear she will contact our adult children. (20 yr old home/33 yr old step son). Hubby quit job today. He just came home just now. I will add more later - we are going to talk.

That is very good news, that he quit his job. Most WS's don't admit the A, and also refuse to quit their job. So this is looking very promising. Let us know what he said.