Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Hey everyone. I have been going through the BS thing for over a year. As a result of this, my sex drive has disappeared. I used to love sex, with or without my WH.

WH is living with the OW. He is still coming around to see me. However my sex drive is completely gone. I can't imagine doing it with other men, doing it with my WH, or doing it myself. It is just gone.

Is anyone else in this position?

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
D
Member
Member
D Offline
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
I've taken a vow of celibacy until this is resolved. So for me, it's still more of a choice than a state of mind.

But...

I'm finding that the less I get, the less I think about it. The less I think about it, the less I want it.

'Course now I'm thinking about it.

Gaaaaaaahhhh....

dewt

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
Yes. I told Tom that I felt like the whore. After our first child was born, he told me that passionate affection was too difficult for him unless we had sex, so we only had anything other than "a marital peck on the check" when we were having sex.

He gave to Sophia what he wouldn't give to me. He never had sex with her but was willing to have that passionate affection with me.

And now he says it is too difficult for him to have passionate affection because there is no "connection". Sex, however, is a drive for him, so he is interested in having sex.

And why would I be???

Sex without any meaning is demeaning.

Personally, I think that if your WH got over OW and wanted to work on your M, then the sex drive would return. After nearly a year of no sex, I was willing to have sex and enjoyed it -- but I only enjoy it if I think it is part of rebuilding our relationship.

Hope this helps... I think the lack of sex drive is a sympton, not the problem. If you look at whitenight's posts, I got a real chuckle out of them. He had an affair, he looks at porn, and he suspects his wife's lack of sex drive is due to her being a lesbian!!!

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 9
K
Junior Member
Junior Member
K Offline
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 9
you hit it on the head cherished. That is one of the main reasons i want out. Sex with out means really bites, I mean really.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
O
Member
Member
O Offline
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
I don't think it's surprising that our sex drives might dwindle given the circumstances.It's only been a little over one month for me but I don't think about it at all.There is just too much upheaval and hurt going on in my life to even suggest being imtimate with someone and it would only be my WH at this point,if that.I am still married,though unhappily.It just doesn't seem important right now.

But,that could change next month,who knows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

O

BTW,why is your WH coming over to see you believer? Aren't you supposed to be in Plan B lady??

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 9
K
Junior Member
Junior Member
K Offline
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 9
was it stron when you initially found out. It was more of a pshychological need for me in retrospect. But, being a guy it becomes a plain old need sometimes too. But I am tired of her being checked out, so it has dwindles for me too.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Yeah, I think for guys it is different. But for me, a BS, the whole thing is gone. It surprised me that this happened, but it is gone.

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
D
Member
Member
D Offline
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
Gone for now, but like other things, when the time is right, it can be rebuilt.

dewt

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,925
L
Member
Member
L Offline
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,925
In my case, I think Wh's major complain is sex. Because I was very very low in sex. I knew and know why. Because I was not happy with him. He thought I was the problem and told me to see Dr. But he never admit he is the problem. He always said that he is a like living widow, and said what am I married for? What do I get? I thought he was selfish.

but now I take a different view. If there is a chance, i will be willing to try and not to turn him away. Someone has to be willing to change first. I don;t mind to be the leader.

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 38
G
Member
Member
G Offline
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 38
not me. i am dying to have sex but i will be damned if i have sex with him. i do not know where he has been and since he has done some other things, such as post pix of me without my knowledge amongst other things, i won't be in the same bed naked with him. i will wait until i find someone i can trust.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 303
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 303
I Plan A'd (without knowing what Plan A is) right after DD. FWH and I were loving and had lots of sex. Then he left. And we had sex about umm... four times in six months when things were going well.

Then I found out that he has been lying to me since separation-- WHAM! I was so messed up over his lies, I couldn't even fantasize when I wanted too. Twas hard to even get turned on. It sucks coz I used to enjoy sex A LOT. I am now too afraid of giving myself away again. And OW has entered my head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Ouch!

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
L
Member
Member
L Offline
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
We had dwindled down to once every 3 months or so before the A happened. I felt like he wasn't interested in me, so quit trying for fear of rejection. I think he was depressed an stressed and had lost interest (though has never been an every-night guy). While we really weren't fighting or having any major problems, this was the one thing that tipped me off to our marriage getting somewhat stagnant. I suggested counseling, but he said there weren't any problems.

I admit the less we had sex, the less interest I had. (Might not have helped that we always let one of our dogs sleep with us, and I was working very late hours so often didn't get home until he was in bed. Sleep became more important than sex.)

Now that he's out and playing with OW, I guess he has sex multiple times a week. Knowing this pretty much finished off the remaining drive I had in me, because I feel like I must have been nothing to him.

In my mind, I know it's just because he's a guy and it's all new to him right now, and she's young, so he feels young and sexy around her. I pretty much just feel old and blah right now--and my sex drive is governed totally by how I feel about myself and whether I feel the other person is attracted to me or desires me.

I know if WH and I were able to rebuild, and I really believed he desired me, I'd have no problem with drive. But right now, it's gone. I could care less.

LL

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 111
W
Member
Member
W Offline
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 111
I ahve only been dealing with this for a little over a month and my drive is almost gone. I think back to the times we had sex. It was just that sex. No love on WH part. This sickens me and makes me want to puke. I hope one day it will return, but until this mess is over I don't even want to think about it.

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 815
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 815
I find that one day I feel quite low and unsexy and other days I think I must get out there, get dressed up, go out and meet people. I must stop expecting him to desire me again. It's so hard. I know his OW is younger and would guess that because she is Asian, probably slim. She is also a complete change from me - blonde, big boobs, a bit overweight, belly full of stretch marks from a twin pregnancy!! I've decided that personality counts for very little in these situations. His OW has behaved so badly but guess where he is? I almost feel jealous that he is experiencing that rush of adrenaline a new lover can give you and I haven't had that feeling for 18 years!

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 709
Z
Member
Member
Z Offline
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 709
Wellll...believer...you know where i stand in this issue.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My sex drive is still there...hidden but there and i know that for sure...I don't know...and i cannot say for sure is if i meet WH and if situation present itself...IF i could refuse it or not...i don't know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
Woman thrive on affection for their sex drives...men thrive on visual. My sex drive was GONE before A because I wasn't getting any affection from my H...but now that he is affectionate towards me, I could do it all day long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,508
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,508
Well, I in part can understand, but only in part. I'm having a hard time with it myself. I do enjoy sex, but my desire is hit. In many ways I do it more to make Poe feel good. I imagine that it will return under the right conditions.

Time, Patience and Love

Just found out that I have low testosterone. Always suspected it over the years but now I know.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
silverthorn..I suspect my testosterone is low too! How did you find this out?

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,276
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,276
I've been thinking of posting a question similar to this topic, so I'll cover some of my observations and put my question here.

For about 3 weeks after D-Day, I walked around "at attention." Is this where the saying "F the world" comes from? It's not that I was horny during this time, and I've never known myself to stand at attention when I was pissed off. But I was wondering if other male BS had this occur to them?

As for my desire? I would say that overall it's slightly less. I don't have the need (or desire) to do myself. Things have worked out with the W that we've resumed this part of our M. And I would say that the frequency for this part is equal or slightly more than it was. Plus, she's now "allowing" me to show this part of my Love to her more easily than she has in the past. (In other words she doesn't end it two minutes into the act, if you know what I mean.)

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
When I first found out about the EA, I wanted more sex and intimacy. I've heard others say this too. I think it's a way of wanting to claim your territory and get back what is yours.


Recovering H, I'm female but I think I can relate to your experience of "standing at attention". As things progressed and I found out more and more about the lies, the deceit, how seriously involved they really were, my heart would pound as I made a new discovery. It was an adrenaline rush, the "fight or flight" thing kicking into action. But OMG did I ever get horny. Really confused me until I realized it was almost certainly mostly due to elevated blood pressure and all that adrenaline in my system.

Weird.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 811 guests, and 55 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Gocroswell, Allen Inverson, Logan bauer, Karan Jyotish, sofia sassy
72,024 Registered Users
Latest Posts
How important is it to get the whole story?
by leemc - 07/18/25 10:58 AM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Spying husband arrested
by coooper - 06/24/25 09:19 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,518
Members72,024
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0