Hey everyone. I have been going through the BS thing for over a year. As a result of this, my sex drive has disappeared. I used to love sex, with or without my WH.

WH is living with the OW. He is still coming around to see me. However my sex drive is completely gone. I can't imagine doing it with other men, doing it with my WH, or doing it myself. It is just gone.

Is anyone else in this position?

I've taken a vow of celibacy until this is resolved. So for me, it's still more of a choice than a state of mind.

But...

I'm finding that the less I get, the less I think about it. The less I think about it, the less I want it.

'Course now I'm thinking about it.

Gaaaaaaahhhh....

dewt

Yes. I told Tom that I felt like the whore. After our first child was born, he told me that passionate affection was too difficult for him unless we had sex, so we only had anything other than "a marital peck on the check" when we were having sex.

He gave to Sophia what he wouldn't give to me. He never had sex with her but was willing to have that passionate affection with me.

And now he says it is too difficult for him to have passionate affection because there is no "connection". Sex, however, is a drive for him, so he is interested in having sex.

And why would I be???

Sex without any meaning is demeaning.

Personally, I think that if your WH got over OW and wanted to work on your M, then the sex drive would return. After nearly a year of no sex, I was willing to have sex and enjoyed it -- but I only enjoy it if I think it is part of rebuilding our relationship.

Hope this helps... I think the lack of sex drive is a sympton, not the problem. If you look at whitenight's posts, I got a real chuckle out of them. He had an affair, he looks at porn, and he suspects his wife's lack of sex drive is due to her being a lesbian!!!

you hit it on the head cherished. That is one of the main reasons i want out. Sex with out means really bites, I mean really.

I don't think it's surprising that our sex drives might dwindle given the circumstances.It's only been a little over one month for me but I don't think about it at all.There is just too much upheaval and hurt going on in my life to even suggest being imtimate with someone and it would only be my WH at this point,if that.I am still married,though unhappily.It just doesn't seem important right now.

But,that could change next month,who knows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

O

BTW,why is your WH coming over to see you believer? Aren't you supposed to be in Plan B lady??

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

was it stron when you initially found out. It was more of a pshychological need for me in retrospect. But, being a guy it becomes a plain old need sometimes too. But I am tired of her being checked out, so it has dwindles for me too.

Yeah, I think for guys it is different. But for me, a BS, the whole thing is gone. It surprised me that this happened, but it is gone.

Gone for now, but like other things, when the time is right, it can be rebuilt.

dewt

In my case, I think Wh's major complain is sex. Because I was very very low in sex. I knew and know why. Because I was not happy with him. He thought I was the problem and told me to see Dr. But he never admit he is the problem. He always said that he is a like living widow, and said what am I married for? What do I get? I thought he was selfish.

but now I take a different view. If there is a chance, i will be willing to try and not to turn him away. Someone has to be willing to change first. I don;t mind to be the leader.

not me. i am dying to have sex but i will be damned if i have sex with him. i do not know where he has been and since he has done some other things, such as post pix of me without my knowledge amongst other things, i won't be in the same bed naked with him. i will wait until i find someone i can trust.

I Plan A'd (without knowing what Plan A is) right after DD. FWH and I were loving and had lots of sex. Then he left. And we had sex about umm... four times in six months when things were going well.

Then I found out that he has been lying to me since separation-- WHAM! I was so messed up over his lies, I couldn't even fantasize when I wanted too. Twas hard to even get turned on. It sucks coz I used to enjoy sex A LOT. I am now too afraid of giving myself away again. And OW has entered my head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Ouch!

We had dwindled down to once every 3 months or so before the A happened. I felt like he wasn't interested in me, so quit trying for fear of rejection. I think he was depressed an stressed and had lost interest (though has never been an every-night guy). While we really weren't fighting or having any major problems, this was the one thing that tipped me off to our marriage getting somewhat stagnant. I suggested counseling, but he said there weren't any problems.

I admit the less we had sex, the less interest I had. (Might not have helped that we always let one of our dogs sleep with us, and I was working very late hours so often didn't get home until he was in bed. Sleep became more important than sex.)

Now that he's out and playing with OW, I guess he has sex multiple times a week. Knowing this pretty much finished off the remaining drive I had in me, because I feel like I must have been nothing to him.

In my mind, I know it's just because he's a guy and it's all new to him right now, and she's young, so he feels young and sexy around her. I pretty much just feel old and blah right now--and my sex drive is governed totally by how I feel about myself and whether I feel the other person is attracted to me or desires me.

I know if WH and I were able to rebuild, and I really believed he desired me, I'd have no problem with drive. But right now, it's gone. I could care less.

LL

I ahve only been dealing with this for a little over a month and my drive is almost gone. I think back to the times we had sex. It was just that sex. No love on WH part. This sickens me and makes me want to puke. I hope one day it will return, but until this mess is over I don't even want to think about it.

I find that one day I feel quite low and unsexy and other days I think I must get out there, get dressed up, go out and meet people. I must stop expecting him to desire me again. It's so hard. I know his OW is younger and would guess that because she is Asian, probably slim. She is also a complete change from me - blonde, big boobs, a bit overweight, belly full of stretch marks from a twin pregnancy!! I've decided that personality counts for very little in these situations. His OW has behaved so badly but guess where he is? I almost feel jealous that he is experiencing that rush of adrenaline a new lover can give you and I haven't had that feeling for 18 years!

Wellll...believer...you know where i stand in this issue.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My sex drive is still there...hidden but there and i know that for sure...I don't know...and i cannot say for sure is if i meet WH and if situation present itself...IF i could refuse it or not...i don't know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Woman thrive on affection for their sex drives...men thrive on visual. My sex drive was GONE before A because I wasn't getting any affection from my H...but now that he is affectionate towards me, I could do it all day long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, I in part can understand, but only in part. I'm having a hard time with it myself. I do enjoy sex, but my desire is hit. In many ways I do it more to make Poe feel good. I imagine that it will return under the right conditions.

Time, Patience and Love

Just found out that I have low testosterone. Always suspected it over the years but now I know.

silverthorn..I suspect my testosterone is low too! How did you find this out?

I've been thinking of posting a question similar to this topic, so I'll cover some of my observations and put my question here.

For about 3 weeks after D-Day, I walked around "at attention." Is this where the saying "F the world" comes from? It's not that I was horny during this time, and I've never known myself to stand at attention when I was pissed off. But I was wondering if other male BS had this occur to them?

As for my desire? I would say that overall it's slightly less. I don't have the need (or desire) to do myself. Things have worked out with the W that we've resumed this part of our M. And I would say that the frequency for this part is equal or slightly more than it was. Plus, she's now "allowing" me to show this part of my Love to her more easily than she has in the past. (In other words she doesn't end it two minutes into the act, if you know what I mean.)

When I first found out about the EA, I wanted more sex and intimacy. I've heard others say this too. I think it's a way of wanting to claim your territory and get back what is yours.


Recovering H, I'm female but I think I can relate to your experience of "standing at attention". As things progressed and I found out more and more about the lies, the deceit, how seriously involved they really were, my heart would pound as I made a new discovery. It was an adrenaline rush, the "fight or flight" thing kicking into action. But OMG did I ever get horny. Really confused me until I realized it was almost certainly mostly due to elevated blood pressure and all that adrenaline in my system.

Weird.