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I know, I know, you are supposed to Plan A for a longer time, but you know what....When does it ever stop? Do you just go on like nothing is happening until WS decides enough is enough? No, I am not. I am sick of this crap. I called OW's parents to make them aware....this irritated H and he demanded I leave everyone out of this. Well, I am sick of being a doormat for him. I am really quite sick of the whole thing. I wish it would just go away. I was going to leave, but I decided my children can't have both parents going psycho on them. They need their routine to not change right now, because when it does they will be devastated. I am giving up. I was told by H that he will not quit talking to OW under any circumstances. I have talked to OW's H again. He never said for me not to call him. We had an extensive talk and both discovered things we didn't already know. I am venting....I know, but I am ready to give up and am not sure what to do from here. I really cant' stand to even be in the same room as my H right now, yet he doesn't want to leave our marriage just yet! What a joke! Any suggestions, comments, anyone else ready to chuck it all in?
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Wow, you and I are in exactly the same boat. My WH is still here, but he's not sure that he wants to stay here. He sais he and OW are "just friends" now and refuses to go to NC. I've been Plan Aing myself to death, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. WH has codes on his email and on his cell phone. He's even blocked the internet access to his cell phone info. (Jerk!)
Just this week, WH was upset because OW got mad at him after he told her that he and I had sex. (We've actually been having sex all along.) OMG!!!! I wanted to hurt him, REALLY!!! I think that may have been the deal breaker for me. I've been considering going to Plan B. I'm just afraid that "out of sight, out of mind." One minute I want to throw him out, the next minute I want to do anything to make him stay.
I know I haven't been any help to you, but I had to respond when I realized we seem to be at the same place.
L&A
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Lost,
You are right, we have a lot in common. We have actually been having sex too. Big time OMG. I have decided I will not sleep with him anymore. Even though he is still here, still wearing wedding ring, still "acting" like we are a family, I refuse to sleep with him in the same bed right now. I don't know what he's waiting on, but I am done being a doormat.
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L&A and Hurt, You must continue to give your WS the SF in plan A either you like it or not because SF is one of their emotional needs. In Plan A you cannot say NO you won't do this or that. Plan A is plan A...if you are going to say no...then go to plan B. Plan A is ABOUT THEM. Plan A is about giving them everything and you don't ask much in return. After doing plan A for sometime...you are sure to lovebust big time...this is the point when you know in your heart that you can NO LONGER live with this monster so you go into plan B. If you do a half-half plan A then you will fail in your plan B because you are not ready yet. Remember plan A is to make you stronger for plan B. It is very very hard to stick truly to plan B if you have not had enough dose of Plan A. Just for info...i only lasted 3 weeks of a pretty good plan A...after that i started to lose my respect for him...almost to hating my WS... So do a good plan A if you are in plan A but give it a time period that you are comfortable with. If you plan A too long then it will look like you are enabling the Affair and WS will take you for granted. Good luck in your plan A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Great vent.
Plan A is:
No disrespectful judgements.
No angry outbursts.
No selfish demands.
It's about not driving the spouse away. You are allowed to say 'no' during Plan A, just according to the above guidlines. Yes it is tough, and sometimes it feels impossible to go on. But it's the end result you must keep in mind. The finished product.
I liken it to intense physical labour. The first stage is excruciating. Your muscles scream about the abuse. They complain, they refuse to go on... but after a while, the pain subsides and you find you had stregnth you didn't know about.
I give up almost daily. But I keep it in. I vent here, I write, I keep my anger from my wife. Before long it passes and I'm back on track.
Have faith. Keep in mind the big picture.
dewt
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Zizzy...you said...
You must continue to give your WS the SF in plan A either you like it or not because SF is one of their emotional needs.
In Plan A you cannot say NO you won't do this or that. Plan A is plan A...if you are going to say no...then go to plan B. Plan A is ABOUT THEM. Plan A is about giving them everything and you don't ask much in return.
I just wanted to kindly address this issue...
the choice between a WS and BS to have SF while in the midst of an affair is a choice...and can even be a boundary....
some ws should and need to get testing prior to sf...
and for some BS it is too emotionally damage...
I just am cautioning you to not advise people in plan they must do SF....
that is personal choice and boundary..
more important than SF is the connection/reconnection of intimacy....which can lead to an expression of sf...but it is not always so...
enough of my soap-box...
hurtnp...
my question for you....
yet he doesn't want to leave our marriage just yet!
what does that mean...is he saying the affair is over but he wants contact but is "working" on the marriage...
or is he home fence sitting and just disrespecting you and the OW...
what is HE saying about his actions...
ARK
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Ark, have you done plan A and plan B? Tell me your experience... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Listen up, folks.
It is impossible for Plan A NOT to work - unless you give up on it.
You all just expect it to work in a manner beyond it's design.
Plan A is all about the BS doing an introspective look, identifying the problems they brought to the marriage, fixing them, and demonstrating the fixes to the WS to the extent possible. (At the same time, meeting WS ENs to the extent possible and within boundaries, and ending disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and love busters.)
The only way it can fail is if you lose interest in doing it.
If you expect Plan A to end your WS's affair, you do not understand it.
It is NOT about manipulating the WS to end the affair.
Only the affairees can end the affair. The only thing you can do to "help" them find a reason to end it is to expose it, thereby making it uncomfortable.
Plan A prepares YOU for the likely eventuality that the affair will end and provides the WS with ready reasons to give the marriage a try - once they come out of the fog.
Perhaps all this is a subtlety and hair splitting.
Your frustrations are justified and understandable - we've all been there.
Now hunker down and Plan A. You cannot fail unless you allow yourself to.
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nope zizzy...i haven't...
but it still remains my opinion that in the throes of discovering and disclosure of an affair...that it is not good advice to tell someone they must have SF with the ws....it should always be explored and thought out...
that is my opinion...
my fear is that a BS in the confusion of what to do...puts themselves at risk emotionally or even healthwise...thinking it is something they HAVE to do....
you are free to disagree certainly....
ARK
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was told by H that he will not quit talking to OW under any circumstances.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H told me the exact same thing. He said "I don't do ultimatums. You give me an ultimatum, and I'm gone." By ultimatum he meant NC.
I KNOW how hard it is for you right now.
You don't mention whether you want to remain married. Since you're here, and posting, I'm assuming you do, and you just needed to vent. If that's the case, GOOD JOB on coming here and not dumping your frustrations on your WS. He'd just use it to justify his actions. "See? She is such a b*tch!"
Have you been in plan A sincd D-Day? That's about a month. How good of a job do you think you've done?
Who else could you expose the A to besides OW's parents? Your H's family? If OW attends the same church as you, the clergy?
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for anyone having a struggle sticking to whatever plans they are in seeking counseling is never wrong. of course ideally it would be best if both spouses are involved but we all know that we are not expeirencing the ideal. hurtnp, don't know your story but if you haven't started any kind of counseling you need to do it fast. do it w/SH from MB if at all possible, he will help give you some control and keep you focused on your goal. I know it's expensive, don't get me started on that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> but i feel like that is what i have to do right now. ultimately that's what we all have to do, what is right for us. Of course, the best counselor of all is God, he's free and always available. prayers to you.
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hurt,
No, you don't go on like nothing is happening. You talk to him about it but you do it with no lovebusters.
You are way too early in this to go to Plan B. You would be cutting your throat right now if you did that. You have way too much work to do before you reach that step.
First off, you must expose, expose, expose. Expose this affair to his boss, her boss, his family and anyone else to whom it would make sense. I would make up a list and do it all in one day. Better to recover from one lovebuster than several. Exposing it will help hasten its death by removing the fantasy aspect.
I would also strongly suggest getting into counseling with the Harleys. They can assess your situation and get you on the right track very quickly. I have seen them save alot of marriages around here.
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P.S. Don't cut him off. Having sex with him gives you a great opportunity to meet his needs! Dont' pass up that opportunity!
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Well...several questions to answer from previous posts. I've been away from the computer for a day. First of all, I have exposed the affair to everyone and taken heat from him about turning people against him.
I think I started out doing a pretty good plan A. I was talking to him more, giving him what I thought he needed. When we talked it was a calm talk. He was acting like it was getting better and then during one of our talks he said that under no circumstances would he stop talking to her. How does anything work if he continues to talk to OW? Also, he has told his mother that he does not want to leave me, but he won't quit talking to OW either. Also stated that he only wants to stay because of our children. He would need to take nerve pills to stay because he hasn't been happy in a long time. Well, do I want my marriage to work--I did. I'm not sure any more. He has said some things that have cut me to the core and I don't think I could ever trust him again. He has lied to everyone and continues to lie. Even after he said he wanted to make our marriage work he went to her house for dinner! I exploded this weekend and LBed big time. I plan on seeing an attorney Monday to file for divorce. I will not allow him to use me and have her.
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Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
Yep, we've heard it all before.
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
Listen to me, hurtnp.
What I'm saying is the best advice you'll get.
DO NOT FALL FOR HIS WORDS!!!!!
He's saying the classic, classic, classic affair stuff.
DO NOT BELIEVE IT!!!!
We've heard it over, and over, and over again.
It's always the same. We are not surprised in the least. Very, very, very predictable.
Now. Pause for a moment.
If you REALLY want to, you can file for divorce and have a VERY good case. You WILL win at getting a divorce. There will be NO contest. 100% guaranteed.
But, if you want to save your marriage, DO NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE!!!
Why file if you REALLY don't want one???
ONLY file if you really want to end this marriage. Everyone will support you. Your entitled to it!!!
But this is EXACTKY the wrong choice for your long term well being.
If you file for divorce and follow thru with it, you will be forever burdened with making this choice. You will never know if you made the right decision.
My point is, that you should stay the course for saving your marriage and let you HUSBAND take the steps to end it. Let HIM do the dirty work. YOU will be in the position of trying to save the marriage and YOU will be on the solid ground.
Understand???
Your marriage may still end. But in the aftermath, you will be guilt free - ready to get on with your life with a clear conscience.
WAT
<small>[ April 24, 2004, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>
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Deep down, no I don't want my marriage to end. But according to him it ended a long time ago. I am not good at playing this little game and my self and my children are suffering from it! How much suffering do WE endure to please him. It kills me to know that I must end this, but he seems to want both and I won't have it!
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> But according to him it ended a long time ago.
It kills me to know that I must end this, but he seems to want both and I won't have it! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I'm pulling out the MB archives here:
Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?????
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
Did I NOT make myself clear?????
YOU need to decide if you want to save you family or not!!!!
What will it be?????
This is NOT about justice. It's about YOUR family.
What will it be???
Do you want to save your family, or do you want justice????
You CAN'T have both - at least not right now.
Tell us what you want.
WAT
<small>[ April 24, 2004, 08:05 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>
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Hurt: It is hard not to take all the things that your WH is saying personally, but WAT is right. It really is bullcrap, adulterer, foney baloney, fog talk. Heck, a few weeks ago we even started a post named the greatest fogese sayings your WS used. Check it out click here I bet you a million dollars you hear EXACTLY what your WH, my WH, heck, pratically every WS in creation, has ever said to their betrayed spouse. And it is just as WAT said...BLAH BLAH BLAH....BULL CRAP!!!! Plus, are you going to let him win. Off the hook that easy? I say, if my WH is so sure he wants to end our marriage, then let him end it. Let him grow some balls and end it. Then, let him be able to explain to everyone on God's green earth about how he cheated on my, our two kids, and then divorced me, for something I am sure will not last past 2 years. And in three years, when he has NADA, then let him find a handy saying about why he is where he is. And it will not be because his ***** of a wife (me, according to him) ruined his life and divorced him. OOOOHHH NOOOO....he is going to own this one all on his own!!!!! So...how about it. Ready for a bumpy ride. It may be the best choice you ever make.
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Plan A is about demonstrating love in the face of rejection, just the way Jesus loved us first, so much tha he gave his life up for us.
It is the mist powerful force in heaven or earth. Love can't fail.
This is an opportunity to extend love to your husband, even if you have to forgive him 70 times a day.
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