This is my personal battle and I really want the truth.

I have been going over this time and time again about should I ask her if she has had or is having an affair.

I know she has had some serious emotional bonding with other women who have been hurt in life and she bonds to that quite well.

When we seperated she moved in with woman who had some serious issues and they became best friends. Over the course of their roommatehood which was 1 1/2 years it went from bliss to vengeful hate and disqust. I knew that relationship would be ultimately come down to them hating one another. That entire 1 1/2 years, as hard as it was, I stood by my wife faithfully.

Now she is living on her own. I really thought that we would have a better opportunity to work on us being that there was no immediate interference but that is not the case at all.

Now she is looking at our relationship as dead, over and disolved. She seems to be acting and talking like we are completely divorced. I think the reason this is is because we now live further apart from one another and it is harder for us to spend time together. Even if I were to move to the same complex as she is in it would be a lot better to be closer and we may still have a fighting chance, she has told me that herself.

Right now she wants her privacy and time alone which is fine but she still wants me to be there for her, which is what I want to do.

However some of the things I am slowly finding out that she is doing is totally detremental to working us out.

Should I confront her about these issues and things I see and hear her doing?

Because the bottom line is that we are still married legally and we both have the responsibility to our son ultimately and things that she is doing are ultimately going to affect his life and not for the better.

Im seriously thinking that she really needs a good dose of heavy duty legal reality to clear the fog.

Opinions?

Why doesn't she want to be married? What are her reservations about reconcilation?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> Why doesn't she want to be married? What are her reservations about reconcilation? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1, Why doesn't she want to be married? In a lot of ways I think she does. I think she likes the "concept" of marriage but I think she fears the responsibility of it all. She looks at it now as "ok I did that and it didn't work out so I don't want to go thru that again" She says she loves me but just cannot live the way we lived again. She puts a lot of emphasis on how she feels sexually connected to someone and how that makes her feel, she said it makes her feel loved the way she wants to be. She was in a lot of severely physically and emotionally abusive relationships before we got together but she said the sex was good so it was hard to break away from that, but she had to because it kept her hospitalized.
She also has told me that I was different from anyone else she ever met and I took care of her well and respected her like she was not accustomed to. She said she put 100% of herself into our marriage and I failed her miserably when I asked for the divorce.
I'll be the first to admit that I could have done things better and listened better to her needs and that with all that was going on with me personally I lost focus on us.
I have learned alot about her needs during this seperation and what got us to where we are and am doing all I can to make sure that if we get back together that we dont follow the same destructive behaviours that got us to this point, I simply love my marraige enough to do things much much differently so we can have a stronger marriage.
There was never any infidelity at all while we were together.

2, What are her reservations about reconcilation?

She doesnt want to go thru what we went thru again (the whole seperation period) because it hurt to much. She said the pain of loosing her marriage was to much to bear. She says "I gave you my heart and you ripped it out of me and shredded it to pieces" "I gave you my son and you took him from me" "I just can't get back with you and have the "possibility" of that repeating itself again.

My original issues that moved me towards getting a div was that she started to bond more and more with the computer and less and less with our infant son, she would stay up all night in chat rooms talking to people who experienced the same abuse she lived with for years and ignored the responsibilitys of motherhood.
There were plenty of times I came home for lunch and found her fast asleep while the baby had been up for a few hours in his crib (i estimate 3-4), he was hungry and very wet.
Other times he was in his play pen banging his head on the rails trying to get her attention but she was focused on the computer with head headset on.
With seeing my son being neglected like that and seeing this becoming more and more likely to continue thru life I was looking out for my sons health and well being, I saw no signs of it getting better just worse so I had to make a decision about his future.
I approached her about these issues and they were fixed for a short while but then it stated all over again.
I heard excuse after excuse after excuse and I got tired of it while he paid the price for what she said was normal.

Hey guy's and gals....Word to the wise. My best friend (God rest his soul has since passed away)was going through what we all have been and are going through and his wife swore he was paranoid because she was not having an affair...but when she one day asked him to move back in out of the blue my friend jumped at the chance to work at saving his marriage one more time.
Not even a week later he came to me a wreck and said she accused him of giving her Hepatitis C. But, what she failed to realize was my friend and I work at a job (law enforcement)that required we be inoculated against this dreadful disease. He found out that he was disease free and in no way could have given this to her. She got it from the man she wasn't sleeping with.
So the moral of this little story is a cheating woman (or man) will lie to your face and tell it for the gospel to hide and cover up their mistake. Soon after his doctor gave him the news that he could not have given his wife this disease she booted him out again. Ain't love grand. It's only by the grace of God that any of us that are faithful are not dying of Hep-C, AIDS or worse. But then who's to say it wouldn't be better sometimes I feel as though I have already died.
Again.....be careful and I would suggest seeing your doctors to create a baseline as proof of who is and isn't the infected person later. Make no mistake if you play with fire you will get burnt.

hunterfox...

I find your posts soooo confusing....
so I'm gonna cut to what I think needs addressed...


1. As far as I am concerned 30 year old woman who goes to and closes a bar twice a week only to stagger home drunk...make 3:00 am calls and be hung over the next day...has serious issues with acohol and self abusive behavior.....

that is something you need to seriously look at and establish your boundaries....

melody asked why she doesn't want to be married and you replied with why you THINK she doesn't want to be married...

you need concrete answers to this question..from her...regardless of her answer....

not what you think, believe, or perceive...that is the only way for you to know the truth....

then you need to take her answers and figure out what are realistic concerns....and what is fixable and what is negotiable...

if you get back together...does she still get Wednesday night drunk fest every week?
would she give that up????!!!

I think you give this woman all the perks and none of the responsibility in her life, marriage and mothering...

you need straight concrete answers to make your plan...
you need boundaries that define what is tolerable in your marriage....
and move towards communicating these to her...

ARK

I just spoke to her again and she was walking back to the bar to get the car, she and her friend obviously got smashed yet again.

She "says" she still wants to work things out but I am having a real hard time justifying staying legally married to her and doing all the work on my part to keep this marriage together while she keeps up this behavior.

We talked briefly about us the other day and I mentioned that I am glad we are still married and I wanted to continue working on us, she had a look like she just bit a bitter bitter lemon.

Realizing that we are married but seperated this is obviously not a woman who cares at all to work on us and our family. This is like a vicious cycle with her.

Would it be fair to draw a line even while we are seperated saying that if she keeps going to the bar and doing this and that I have no choice but to file if she keeps this up.

She wants to go out and do things but the very core things that make a relationship a relationship are thnigs she has obviously no desire to do.

There is a LOT for her to loose and very little to gain IF we go thru with the divorce, I think she knows that and it scares her to death by the choices she has made, she keeps trying to justify that I am the only one at fault here.

I feel very very sad for her that she cant see this or maybe she just doesnt care.

I feel I am at a fork in the road with this and I have to decide which path to take.

Her standard answer on a lot of things is "that even though we are "married" we are seperate and what I do is my business and if you have any respect for me then you'll respect that"

My answer to that is this: Yes, I do respect your space BUT if things you are doing are ultimately going to affect the outcome of our marriage and ours sons future growth then they ARE my business.

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: HunterFox ]</small>

We spoke briefly last night about the car situation. She doesnt drive and wants to start again and wants me to help her get a car.

I told her I have no problem helping her do that but it is hard to do because I am carrying the full brunt of finances for our son. She didnt respond to that.

What she did say is "if you want to help me then good, if you don't then it is just yet another thing you are forcing me to do by myself"

She is under the impression that the reason why I have not got her a car is that I am using that as a reason for her to come back, those are her words.

On one hand it would be easier if she drove and she MAY actually help out with our son more but knowing her habits that would only last for a while then I would hear excuse after excuse as to why she would not be able to pick him up for me if I needed her to because she would get tired of it after a while because "its to much work"

dude, your wife is frustrating me.

if you want to help me then good, if you don't then it is just yet another thing you are forcing me to do by myself

er... I wouldn't even know how to reply to something like this...

I think you should not confront. I get the impression that you both have issues and that they are working against each other. I get the feeling that one of those issues is control.

Yet another thing you are forcing her to do by herself. Hmmmmm.

Ideally, you two would reconcile and use each other to build one another up. It's a co-operative effort.

I think you should back off a little bit. Let her know that you are still open to reconciliation, but your obligations and responsibilities are to your son and your home, which right now she is choosing not to be a part of. Not confrontationally, but lovingly and matter of factly.

It seems to me that you should be focusing on yourself and your son right now. Growing from this. Honestly identify your own faults and seek to overcome them. In many ways, you enable her behaviour. I say this because I see myself doing it too. You seek to help her, hoping that she will appreciate it and see how valuable you are and come back to her. You are trying to control still... passive agressive?

I dunno... I feel like an insight is hovering just out of reach and I can't quite grasp it...

Anyway, don't confront. It will give her the excuses and justifications she needs/wants to continue acting the way she is. It will backfire.

I will keep thinking about this and hopefully the little light bulb will blink on and I'll find the words I want to say to you...

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dewt:
<strong> dude, your wife is frustrating me.

if you want to help me then good, if you don't then it is just yet another thing you are forcing me to do by myself

er... I wouldn't even know how to reply to something like this...

I think you should not confront. I get the impression that you both have issues and that they are working against each other. I get the feeling that one of those issues is control.

Yet another thing you are forcing her to do by herself. Hmmmmm.

Ideally, you two would reconcile and use each other to build one another up. It's a co-operative effort.

I think you should back off a little bit. Let her know that you are still open to reconciliation, but your obligations and responsibilities are to your son and your home, which right now she is choosing not to be a part of. Not confrontationally, but lovingly and matter of factly.

It seems to me that you should be focusing on yourself and your son right now. Growing from this. Honestly identify your own faults and seek to overcome them. In many ways, you enable her behaviour. I say this because I see myself doing it too. You seek to help her, hoping that she will appreciate it and see how valuable you are and come back to her. You are trying to control still... passive agressive?

I dunno... I feel like an insight is hovering just out of reach and I can't quite grasp it...

Anyway, don't confront. It will give her the excuses and justifications she needs/wants to continue acting the way she is. It will backfire.

I will keep thinking about this and hopefully the little light bulb will blink on and I'll find the words I want to say to you...

dewt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yet another thing you are forcing her to do by herself. Hmmmmm.

Let me put this into context. When she said this what she was meaning was that I have told her I would help her get a car or transportation. This has always been a major point of contention with her not being able to get around like she wants to. I have not been in a financial spot to do that for her, she forgets that I have alot of child expenses to deal with and how much it costs to raise a child, something she is NOT contributing to.

She knows that I would love to see her drive, it would help me out alot but I can't support her and her home and well being while sacrificing mine and my sons, I help her out immensely and faithfully for 2 years now even when I should not have and I have paid a heavy financial price for doing that.

I am not about to go down that road again, yes I love my wife and would do anything for her but I have to take care of me and our son first.

She left our home, that was her choice. Now until she decides to come back to our home I will be growing and prospering without her.

I have done a lot of self help and a lot of inner reflection so I know decidedly where I stand in our marriage and what I am going to put into it. However, I am not going to live in limbo forever, I am human also and know where I want my life to go. Now the choice is her's whether she wants to be apart of it or not.

Tonight we went out for a while and saw The Punisher, we went dutch. The movie basically is about avenging a sons death and with some betrayal thrown in.

After the movie I casually said to her in a unaccusatory tone, remember during the betrayal part? I can't understand how a married couple can do that to one another, betrayal in any form is the most self-serving, selfish act one spouse can ever do to another, to bad they didnt work on their marriage or it probably would not have gotten to that point.

I then shut up, left it at that and waited for a reaction. I got none, except for her being extremely quiet.

When I dropped her off she surprized me by saying. My laundry is piling up, would you like for us to do laundry together tomorrow?

But I know she was thinking about what I just said.

hunterfox...
your wife is a master manipulator....

which really means nothing because we ourselves are only manipulated or controlled when we let ourselves be....

concrete things YOU should do...

1. go to alanon...so that you will learn how to raise you child with a mom who minimally has a drinking problem...but more likely more serious issues.....


2. quit even discussing the word marriage with your wife...she doesn't understand the word itself let alone the concept of being married...

you two just enjoy the powerstruggle of the idea of marriage....
she gets to say outrageous things and "blame" you for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> her choices...

yep I get that YOU abandoned her years ago...
but IF you made the changes that you say you have...and that does not mean anything near to doing everything she says and wants....

I mean if you have the done the REAL work..
the REAL changes ...
and you are coming to a place that understands the real meaning a of a marriage and partnership where two people CHERISH one another and act like a team....

and she is still approaching you with silly childish manipulative sentiments like....

that even though we are "married" we are seperate and what I do is my business and if you have any respect for me then you'll respect that"

I think you should drop ALL relationship talk...
no talk of marriage.....
none
nadda..
I think you learn to babble back to her INSANE childish comments.....

and this I don't understand...

I just spoke to her again and she was walking back to the bar to get the car, she and her friend obviously got smashed yet again.

She knows that I would love to see her drive, it would help me out alot but I can't support her and her home and well being while sacrificing mine and my sons,

does she or does she not drive.....

does she nuture her son independant of you and her being together...
how is her relationship with him..
does she blame things on you to him...
does she try to manipulate him...

ARK