As soon as OW left her H my H decided he needed to go be with her. He loves her and needs to find out. This morning he told me he needs a couple of weeks. A week to sort this out with her and a week to withdraw from everything. What a joke. He looks terrible. His parents and brother disowned him. He might stay with a friend. He really has no one. Not to mention I am 6 months pregnant with our first. I need advice. I don't want to see or talk to him becase I just get sooo upset. What plan do I follow? I am in MC. When should I see an attorney? I don't want to be kicked out of my home right before I have this baby. He states he won't do that. That we will wait until Jan. 1 before selling the house. As often as he changes I don't know if I can beleive him. He can't afford two places and it won't be comfortable living with his friend.

durham,

It's time to call a good coach. I like Jennifer Chalmers or Penny Tupy. I honestly think it's time for Plan B and that should be done with good guidance. Because of the pregnancy, I think you need to protect yourself financially, and that means talking to an attorney <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Make those calls chere.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
This morning he told me he needs a couple of weeks. A week to sort this out with her and a week to withdraw from everything. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got this same line too durham...He is moving out to be with OW...he will tell you that he needs time to sort things out, etc, etc...but that is all fog talk...dont listen to him right now. Just say "Ok, dear"...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need advice. I don't want to see or talk to him becase I just get sooo upset. What plan do I follow? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will tell you like they told me...stay in PLAN A...do not go to Plan B cuz that will end up in PLAN D and I dotn think you want that...neither does he. You can still do Plan A while he is not at home. I did it and it worked. I understand that you dont want to see him right now, your feelings will change from day to day. Tomorrow you may want to see him. When you do see him...No talk about OW, no talke about the A...just be the BEST YOU can be...In the meantime you work on yourself. You take care of you and that baby. You focus on YOU. Dont worry abotu OW..It is not about her...Start working on things that went wrong with the marraige...read, read and read some more.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in MC. When should I see an attorney? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You dont need to see an attorney right now! But if it would make you feel better, you can see one just to see what your options are. Make sure you tell the attorney that you are trying to reconcile and you have no intentions of divorce right now, but you just want to see what the options are just in case it comes down to that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As often as he changes I don't know if I can beleive him. He can't afford two places and it won't be comfortable living with his friend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will change on a day to day basis. This will soon die out. He cant afford two places, so he is going ot have to see OW either at her place or his friends place. How fun is that? He is living a fantasy life right now. He will start to see her flaws. If you stay in PLAN A and you show him the BEST you are, she will eventually start to LB him and he will see her flaws. That is what happened in my case. Eventually OW started doing the same things I did. she would say things like "dont you ever use your turn signal...ugh, you drive horribly"...he would say "my wife says the same things"...

YOu see, the grass ALWAYS seems greener on the other side...but in reality it is not! Hang tight durham..you are so early into this...please do not even consider Plan B yet. OR plan D! Give it time to die out!

Have you been in Plan A? How long?

durham, I agree with starfish about contacting the Harleys or Penny Tupy. You have way too much to lose to not get the best help available. They can assess your situation and put you on the right path. It will be worth every penny! They might even be able to get your H into counseling.

In the meantime, be as pleasant as possilble and avoid lovebusters!

durham - this is very likely a cloud with a silver lining.

This is a HUGE opportunity for you.

I know, it might not feel like that from your perspective, but in the grand scheme of things, this may be exactly what the doctor ordered.

Getting professional guidance is a good idea. In addition to Jennifer and Penny, consider Steve Harley. Can you afford to spend some $$??

We can debate what plan you should be in, but the decision has to be yours. In my view, it depends on what you've accomplished so far in Plan A and to what extent your pregnancy is the driver for the affair.

In one extreme, you were the perfect spouse and the affair was motivated solely by your husband's difficulty with your pregnancy. In the other extreme, he's fine with your pregnancy and you were SO bad as a wife, that it's purely coincidental that the affair started while you were pregnant.

I'll bet it's a LOT closer to the former rather than the latter extreme.

But this means that you likely had some improvements to make - all BSs do - in your Plan A. Did you accomplish this? This is one of the check points for going to Plan B.

The other important check point is whether you can stomach further Plan A contact without LB'ing and pushing him further away with disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts.

Understand?

Only you can make this decision. Do not make it on what one of us tells you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong>I will tell you like they told me...stay in PLAN A...do not go to Plan B cuz that will end up in PLAN D</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I strongly disagree with Mom on this. Plan B could be what you need right now and it does not mean an automatic divorce. Far from it, in my opinion, for your case. Like I said above, it could be exactly what the doctor ordered in addition to your H leaving.

WAT

Just adding the counseling thing again. since you're following the MB concepts what better way to get help then from the source? the harleys that is. they will be able to give you immediate professional feedback specific for your situation. i know the cost thing is an issue for most people, it defintitely is w/me but i feel that my M is worth all i have to give right now, even if it means running up my credit cards. i'm not saying that if someone doesn't counsel w/MB that their M is worth less, only that I feel this is what I need to do right now.

Plus i have yet to hear anyone regret counseling w/one of the harleys regardless whether or not the M worked out or not. sending you continued prayers.

D76, I am so sorry you're going through this. Because you're next steps are so important I would call one of the Harley's for a phone consultation. Of course, I haven't done this myself but it seems like they can help you form a strategy very quickly. Call this morning cause you can't make an appointment on weekends and I think the weekend will be a bit easier knowing you have an appointment. My DD2 was two weeks ago today - I have a nice thread describing how I handled finding the lovers together in our home on Good Friday. I think I was prepared to plan b, but wasn't sure what to do yet.

WAT mentioned the possibility that your husband's A was a result of his difficulty with your pregnancy. My WH keeps saying that before the A he thought our marriage was fine, just going through a little valley but he never thought it was in danger or even unhappy. The night before we knew I was pregnant WH was flirty with me and all kissy. The next day he was depressed. That same week he started dating OW. I think the idea of even more responsibility made WH feel trapped and he tried to escape.

Why am I mentioning this? Cause at least until you form a plan your comfortable with I think you should not talk about any responsibilities - including your pregnancy - with your H. Plus, his decision making ability sucks right now and you don't need the turmoil of listening to his "what ifs". You can talk about what type of man he wants to be for his child, but don't talk about details, the house, bills, or whatever.

You need to do what you're most comfortable with, but nothing about this is comfortable. It all sucks. On the positive sign, your WH looks terrible, feels terrible, and his family is disappointed. Gee, how much fun are affairs really? This new love of his is bringing him a lot of anguish. Perhaps the grass on the other side is already turning brown...

One of the biggest changes occurring right now with both the Harleys and Penny....is that both camps are adopting a much much shorter Plan A. The benefits of Plan A are mostly over when a spouse moves out....an Plan B is NOT divorce...it is PROTECTION. It is not in any way shape or form a way to hasten divorce. Get the help of professionals....but since I'm pretty close to certification myself right now....I do have a really good idea of what they are going to say. Until such time that he moves out....do the BEST, most complete and flawless Plan A that you can....but when he moves out...let the OW try, and fail, to fill ALL of his needs while you protect your love for him in Plan B. In the situation you're in...being left with the bills and baby...you need an attorney because fogged spouses are notorious for leaving their families in financial hardship. Ask the professionals, but I feel pretty confident that they will say the same.

How are you doing Loy? What plan are you in? I think Plan B is the right one for now. He states this is all him and nothing to do with me. He started putting up a wall after he was hurt and depressed from my first pregnancy ending in a miscarriage. Ever since then he has been distant and not wanting to connect with my current baby. She helped him through and now they are in love. I hope he is happy on their upcoming weekend. He is losing everything.

You have a plan, so stick to it. Your WH has no plan. Please write him a Plan B letter. Post it here, so experts can check it out.

Plan B is much less stressful than what you are going through now.

D76, I just updated my thread and bumped it up. I think I'm doing OK, but that weekend after DD 2 was hell. The longest weekend of my life. I was so ashamed for thinking we had made progress and felt so stupid for believing it was an EA.

Today WH seems to believe that a relationship with OW is impossible even though he's not sure of what to believe regarding our future. I don't think recovery can begin until WH gets through withdrawal. So, I'm just doing a simple plan A and verifying NC as we go along.

Tell your doctor about the A. Although my body is handling the stress of this very well, my doctor is having me come in more frequently just in case. I'm trying to become interested in painting the baby's room or fixing up the back yard, but I'm not.

How are you doing?

D76,

I think you should follow your instinct regarding Plan B, it sounds like a good strategy for you and your WH.

I think Plan B is called for. You need to protect your love for him right now.

I also agree with meeting a lawyer. You need to prepare for the worst and pray for the best.

If OW left her H chances are she is in a high stress mode right now. The warts will be on the surface. She won't be able to hide those wart with this stress level.

If these people are human I would think that it would hit them how wrong their actions are as your due date approaches.

durham

just to let you know, I didn't do a steller Plan A like you did, and even though I didn't Jennifer told me to do Plan B. She said I could try Plan A but it would be wasted because my W was disrespecting my feelings by living with the OM and I would not last long in Plan A because eventually I would LB due to the disrespect my wife is showing me. You can look at the thread We're in Plan B and diong fine just to see how things are going. I will counsel with Jennifer again in about a week and give her an update and see what she has to say. So if you want to keep tabs on us Plan B'ers you can look there. Oh I'm about 10 days into Plan B.

I agree, when he leaves it may be a very good opportunity to move to Plan B BUT are you happy with the Plan A you have done up to this point?

And Plan B does not mean Plan D, my M survived and thrived in Plan B and now we are better than ever...

H just emailed me to let me know when he would be home to mow and put my baby dresser together on Sunday. I will not be there. He also told me he mailed me a letter. I don't know what he possibly hasn't already told me that he has to mail me a letter. I don't even want to read it. What do you think of his two weeks garbage?? He wants to go play with her for a week and then assess for antoher week. Give me a break.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong>What do you think of his two weeks garbage?? He wants to go play with her for a week and then assess for antoher week. Give me a break. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">durham - one of the hardest things for BSs to accept is that they are not dealing with rational people (WSs) and that spending thoughts trying to analyze what they say and do is a complete waste.

It's futile to use rational thought to try to understand an irrational person.

You cannot think of this person as the person you know so well. Think of them as an evil twin - they look the same on the outside, but they're totally different on the inside.

Do read the letter.

Despite what I just said above, valuable information can be discerned from what they say and write - most notably, the depth of their delusion and whether they're following the "WS script." Following the script is good because it tells us they're predictable.

WAT