Someone asked me to post our progress with our counceling sessions with SH...I am happy to do that. My H is dadto3boys...We started councelling with SH BEFORE H affair ended. AFter the first session, H was optimistic that day. The next day he was back in his fog induced state. Two days after our first session H was very confused. He finally moved back home. I wont go into those details..you can find those under one of my other posts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

The next 2 or 3 sessions SH wanted to talk to us one on one. H was to do some HW. The first week nothing got done. The second week he did two things out of three. Then finally he did his HW and did it well.

When we coucel with SH, H councels on Tuesdays and I do on Wed. The first few sessions were hard cuz we would always have a huge blowout the weekend before leaving both of us feeling like "why are we doing this".

SH has coached H like no other person can. H listens to SH and takes his advice. We are not allowed to listen to each others sessions, so we go into the back room. We are however allowed to "talk" about them.

Dad has come such a long way. He "says" his feelings are coming back for me. I say "says" because I had told him to FAKE it at one point. But he does insist they are real. SH has brought my H back home and out of the alien body.

SH has also calmed me down on several occasions. One telling me that it is normal to feel paranoia, but not to overdo it. Another telling me it is normal and fine to get across to H MY needs...That is why I tell people it is OK to tell WS's what you need in Plan A, just do it in a non LBing manner.

SH is good. He tells you exactly what to do to get thru this program. This week we are to work on our EN's questionnaire. The way we are to do it is to sit at the table across from each other. I will have my EN's in my hand and vice versa. There is a reader and a listner. The reader reads his TOP EN then tells the listner what he expects. The listner is to take notes. The listner is NOT to say "oh yea, right, I never do that..or...i cant do that for you"...The listner is to only take notes as to what the reader is saying. That is it. This is a research project if you will...

SH also convinced H to go to San Fransisco. I am so excited. SH says he is very pleased about our progress...I am happy too as if SH felt that if Dad was not progressing he would tell me. SH is very honest. I have asked him early on if he thought that this marriage could in fact be saved as H was so far into Fogland and he bleieved himself. SH said "yes, absolutely"...He CAN and he WILL make us fall in love again. And STAY in love.

This program works and so does the counceling. THey do not mess around. THey know what they are doing. It is expensive, I will not deny that...but so is divorce! I am very pleased with our progress and the love is definitely coming back. Slowly, but surely. SH has said we are progressing very well and very fast. BUT, I still need to be guarded. H is still out there, but he is coming home.

make sense?

SH is going to be at the MB weekend and has said that he will be available during the breaks. I cant wait to meet him. This man has saved my marriage essentially! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Any questions, I will be glad to answer! I am 100% for MB and couceling with the Harley's!

FWW is just now starting to come around to the MB way of thinking. Really just started exposing herself to it. The very first thing that caught her eye was the EN questionaire, her A was EA, anyway she wanted us to fill them out and go over them this weekend. I told her I thought maybe she should understand some of the concepts better before we jumped in with the questionaire but that is what she wants to do so I don't want to discourage her.

Here's my question. We take turns and lay our priorities and expectations. Then what? Has SH said how you go about meeting those expecations. If they came natural to us we would already be doing them. I'm just concerned that I'll lay it all out there and my wife being so new into recovery will not be able or ready to meet my needs. Then what?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mr. E:
<strong>
Here's my question. We take turns and lay our priorities and expectations. Then what? Has SH said how you go about meeting those expecations. If they came natural to us we would already be doing them. I'm just concerned that I'll lay it all out there and my wife being so new into recovery will not be able or ready to meet my needs. Then what? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Mr. E! I would highly recommend that your W at least read thru the Basic concepts and understand the principles first. Maybe post a bit on here and get some opinions. You dont want to jump into anything too quickly!

About the EN questionnaire. SH didn't tell us HOW to fill the needs yet. This week we are just supposed to go over the questionnaires. I suppose hearing what each others EN's are we will naturally TRY to fill them as best we can until our next session..here is an example that SH gave us...Involving Financial support...only an example <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If one of mom's needs is for Dad to make $2 million a year, but he only makes $30,000 a year and I dont want him to work anymore than he is then what dad would do when I expressed that need was to just write it down and that is it. If dad needs me to elaborate on it, then I would. I could say go and get a job at McDonalds. Dad is not to express any concern about it nor is he to criticize.

If for any reason we start to argue, we take a break. We are to stay on task. read and listen. Start with the TOP EN first then go down the list.

I had pictured us reading EACH OTHERS needs. But we are to as the listner to take notes as if we will never see these again. You guys can probably do this as you wish. I am not sure how anyone else has done it before. But this is the way SH has recommended we do it.

Hope that makes sense! I am not very good with directions! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks again mom for starting this thread, i think it will be very helpful to those who's WS are not in counseling, to any situations where the Bs feels hopeless, and the WS is still fence sitting, etc.i'm sure when i check back on monday there will be lots of replies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Here's my question. We take turns and lay our priorities and expectations. Then what? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mr. E
This is what worked for me and FWH. We went through the EN together--we each read the paragraph for an EN and then filled in all the blanks. When we were all done we went through them one by one. For each one, there is a question along the lines of my spouse could better meet this need by doing these things (fill in the blank). H and I were very specific in answering. For example, H could better meet my need for recreational activites by going on a bike ride with me sometimes. I could better meet H's need for admiration by noticing when he does things around the house and saying thank you more often. If you break it down into specific little things and then concentrate on just the top 3 ENs it is not overwhelming. If there are too many things that need to change then pick a few to start with. Maybe agree to sit down together one night a month to go over your progress and add one more thing you can each do.

good luck to you mom23boys and dad23boys on the MBW coming up. please continue to keep us posted. prayers to you.