Hello to all:

I will make this brief and try to give just the facts. My wife and I have been married for 15yrs, 3 daughters, 8,9,15. We are both very involved with our daughters. We first met when I was 16, and wife was 17, both of our parents were stationed at the same Air Base. I was a junior, and my wife was a senior. We dated for about 6 month's before she went off to college 2500 miles away. We tried the long distance thing, but it did not work,and I went off to college a year later. We did not see each other again until my wifes final year of college, during that summer we got together for about 3 months, dated, done some things we shouldn't have done, and one month after my wife went back for her senior year, she called me and said she was pregnant. I did what I felt was the right thing to do and we got married that December while she was four month's pregnant. Now 15 years later, I have had several affairs, and last November I revealed all of them to my wife. Needless to say she was devestated, but still wanted to be married to me. We seperated on and off about 3 different times since then. Currently I am at home, but neither one of us are very happy right now. After our first seperation in November, I had an affair with a co-worker and to be honest, fell in love with her. I shared thouhts and feelings with her that I have never felt comfortable sharing with my wife. I love my wife, but I do not have the feelings for her that I feel two people should have for each other that want to stay with each other for the rest of their lives. We picked up a HN/HN book by Dr. Harley, and we now understand how we "missed the boat" about each other and our marriage. The problem now is, I have said some terrible things to her and done some terrible things to her, and I do not know if she or I can get past it. We are thinking about seperating again, ther is a lot more to this, but I figure everyone will be tired of reading this, so for now this is what I have. Any suggestions or questions?

DT3girls

Who want's the seperation? Have you discussed counseling with the Harley's? It's slow here on the weekends so be patient help will come.

We have been going to counseling for about two months. Not with the Harley's, a local christian counselor. Right now I believe we both need the seperation, if for nothing else, to take a long look in the mirror. She is devestated, and I am not sure what to do, if I can ever really Love her the way I want to, if she can ever get past what has been said and done, if she/I really believe we can have what we both want, etc. I really believe I may have said and/or done too much for her to get over. I can't relive the past every single day. I am not sure at this point.

DT3,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. The fact that you are here tells a lot. You will find lots of support from everyone here and an occasional smack upside the head (to help you learn, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) from lots of great people.

I encourage you to read the General Welcome post, and the Acronyms post, to acclimate yourself with your surroundings.

Continue to ask questions and eventually, and you will recieve advice from veterans and the less experienced alike. That being said, if you wish to save/restore your marriage you should seek the help of professionals.

One thing in your post really stood out to me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The problem now is, I have said some terrible things to her and done some terrible things to her, and I do not know if she or I can get past it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me, this shows a. remorse and b. a willingness (to what degree I don't know) on both of your parts to get past it. I recommend using those as some of your building blocks.

Good Luck,
Ethan

DT3Girls I would really consider counseling with Steve Harley, read mom23boys post about counseling with Steve. The counseling doesn't deal with the past too much it works on the future to not build the same marriage that you had but a better one. Did you and your W read Surviving an Affair? If not you both should read it, it's a very good book.

i'm glad you have the courage here and more replies will come but like tinman said it kind of gets slow right about this time through the weekend. i'm not an expert and don't feel like i have a lot of things i can advise/suggest but know that there is no sin that is unforgiveable. if you read enough here, read enough on the homepage, and counsel enough, you will know that it's not too late for you guys to rebuild a marriage that is BETTER than it ever was. also pick up surviving an affair by dr. harley.

while i don't pretend to know every thing about your situation and what you're going through, i feel i should say that you should do some more "learning" before you go to the separation thing. but again, i'm not an expert. what does your counselor say to this? you are both capable of more than you ever dreamed so please don't give up. you want to be able to look back and say that you BOTH did everything possible to save and/or recover your M. You do however, have to believe in the MB concepts in order to allow them to work in your lives. does the fact that you guys "missed the boat" not make you feel that now you can take that and go forward?

ultimately you will both have to do what you feel you need to do. i would strongly recommend counseling w/steve harley in addition to the counseling you are receiving now, especially if that person isn't familiar w/the MB concepts. maybe the counselor you have now could serve more as each of your IC. there are many people here who feel that they could never get over what has happened in their lives or don't feel that they could ever feel a certain way about their spouse again and then w/much work they are both happy and in love together.

please don't give up. you said that you are going to a Christian counselor so continue to pray for God's will in your lives and that he will help you both to rebuild a marriage that is pleasing to him. this is all happening for a reason and we have to just take that and lay at Christ's feet and let him give us the strength to endure. He wants us to do this, He has the power to work the miracles in our lives, and we need only to realize this and ask. I know that God is speaking to me as he never has before but that's probably because i'm listening like i never have before. wishing you understanding in what God has planned, prayers to you.

Nothing is going to get better between your wife and you until you have no contact with your co-worker. That is the first step. Are you willing to do that?

Hello to all:

Thank you for your reply's. I have just now been able to get back to the computer this week, I was out of town yesterday, and the weekend, well, let's just say it wasn't a very good one for my wife and I. We fought all weekend, day in and day out the same thing, she cannot move past the past, and I see all kinds of anger and resentment built up. We did discuss seperating again this weekend, but have not made definite plans about that yet. My wife can think about what has happened to her, and she loses it, I mean no talking to her, she blows up, and wants me to leave immediately. I usually talk her out of it, but it is beginning to get to me, and maybe we should seperate for a while. Does anyone have any thoughts about this?

Hi

DT3G

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she cannot move past the past, and I see all kinds of anger and resentment built up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE DOING TO HELP HER MOVE ON??? And forgive you?

Do you really think, her can forget all that easy?

Of course she is angry but that also shows she cares!

To recover, she has to fill your needs, but for starters, ALSO, YOU have to talk to her, understand her pain, support her, being accountable.

I don't see how come another separation will help you DEAL with this kind of things.

I'm sorry if I'm being hard, but sometimes WS's do not understand the ammount of pain they have done, and they just want to forget it without DOING anything in the favor of the BS. Look if you are one of those...

To be honest with you, I am still so consumed with the relationship that I had with the OW that it is real hard for me right now to try and reconcile with my wife. I am still very uncertain that my wife and I can have what I had with the OW. Is this normal? Am I just living in a fantasy world? I feel that I really know what it takes to make a marriage work and make it solid, and I would have loved to have had that with my wife, but we didn't have it, and I am uncertain as to if we could ever have it. The crazy thing is that I feel I could really have it with the OW. I am not sure if this is normal or not?

So you decided to "do the right thing"? You married a woman you didn't love because she was pregnant? Robbing her of 15 years of her life all the while living as if you were single, eventually ripping her heart out with the *truth* was "THE RIGHT THING TO DO"? Ya think so?

Now you don't want to "relive the past" you want her to just forgive and forget (or atleast keep her mouth shut and suffer in silence) SHE JUST FOUND OUT! 6 months is not a very long time. You have shaken her world, devastated her in a way you couldn't possibly understand. She can't just brush it off her shoulders and forget about it. You have spent 15 years having your fun at your families expense, don't expect it to be healed with a band-aid in only 6 months. Since you fell in love with a co-worker it isn't "in the past" at all, it's going on every day as you leave for work and all day long. Your wife must deal with knowing that you are there with HER.

"After our first seperation in November, I had an affair with a co-worker and to be honest, fell in love with her."

so you fell in love with a homewrecker huh? Allow me to translate OW speak into OW reality.

OW speak: "I know you are worried about your family, but you deserve to be happy. Children WANT their parents to be happy, they will understand and they will forgive you"
OW reality: "look bud, this is war! I want what I want and I don't care who gets hurt"
OW speak: "I'm sorry you are feeling guilty over doing this to your wife and kids. Life is short. We have a chance at real happiness, don't settle for anything less than that."
OW reality: "I already told you this is war! My objective is to assasinate your marriage and destroy your wife, if the kids are in the way they are just collateral damage, NOT MY PROBLEM. after all, they aren't MY kids!"

okay, done with my rant. The first thing you must do if you want to repair your marriage is have ZERO contact with the OW. Next you have to figure out what is wrong with you, this has nothing to do with your wife or your marriage. You are a serial cheater and serial cheaters have problems that go beyond "she doesn't want sex as much as I do" or "we don't talk like we used to" the problems are YOURS and it wouldn't matter who you were married to. You have somehow given yourself permission to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

My uneducated opinion on serial adulterers (particularly those who fall "in love" with the OW/OW's) is that they confuse the excitement of early attraction and the thrill of having someone other than their wife interested in them with real love. I'm not sure that serial aldulterers are even capable of sustained emotional attachment to one person without a great deal of therapy, and of course figuring out what is wrong with them that causes them to act in destructive ways.

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

Thank you for your comment, and you are probably right on few things, but way off base on others. I have had sveral affairs, and when I step back and look at myself, I realize that maybe I do have a problem with the "attraction" of other women. I do like it, and sometimes feed off of it. This is all the more reason that maybe I shouldn't be married? Maybe I should be single for the rest of my life, I am not sure? I do not want to hurt my wife any more, as well as I do not want to hurt anyone else. I do know that what I am doing right now is not working, and I have no direction for the future. This is what I am searching for.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DT3Girls:
To be honest with you, I am still so consumed with the relationship that I had with the OW that it is real hard for me right now to try and reconcile with my wife. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3 daughters 8,9,15

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DT3Girls:
This is all the more reason that maybe I shouldn't be married? Maybe I should be single for the rest of my life, I am not sure? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3 daughters 8.9.15

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DT3Girls:
<strong> This is all the more reason that maybe I shouldn't be married? Maybe I should be single for the rest of my life, I am not sure? I do not want to hurt my wife any more, as well as I do not want to hurt anyone else. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not going to let you get away with that. But first you have avoided the question, Where is the OW? Are you still in contact with her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DT3Girls:
I have no direction for the future. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3 daughters 8,9,15

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DT3Girls:
Any suggestions or questions? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is my question:

Who is currently functioning as a male role model for your vulnerable female children?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are my suggestions:

You stop whining like a girl about your lost-love-lust feelings for OW...

You open up your mind and heart to the torrent of pain you are bringing into your little family....

You develop the emotional strength to function as a real man....

You stop diverting your life into the trash....

You stop breaking hearts of the females you come into contact with....

You accept this about yourself.... you are not currently a prize for anyone, least of all for yourself. You don't like yourself, and instead of fixing yourself, you run away to a new woman who doesn't yet know the awfulness of living with you. It won't work. YOU are what is broken, fix YOU.

I have hope you can turn this around.... but ya gotta want it.

Doing what you are doing is a dead end.... this OW is not the answer.... a new and improved version of YOU is the answer.... and you know it too!!!! Doncha?

Pep

Hey DT3G, don't freak out over the way you are being treated around here. I took it pretty hard too, and everyone here did wonders for me. You can chekc out some of my posts. I lived in a fantasy world with an OW too, until I took a good look at my life and my past and my future and realized that I was destroying more than I was creating.

I is difficult for nayone to help you too much here wihtout knowing the full scoop. Were all your A physical? Were some just strong friendships? How and why did you decide to come clean with your W? Do your daughters know? Does anyone else in your family know? What did you do and say to your wife that she can't forgive? What reasons did you give to her for why you cheated?

We'll help you get through this. Has your W found this site yet? It might make sense to et here so she can get some advice too. Who does she have to confide in besides the MC?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do have a problem with the "attraction" of other women. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you do, and what are you going to do with it? Keep looking for new companions? or FIX yourself and try to become better?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do like it, and sometimes feed off of it. This is all the more reason that maybe I shouldn't be married? Maybe I should be single for the rest of my life, I am not sure? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No this is the more reason to fix yourself and make it up for your family. not to keep doing the same things all over again and expecting different results.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not want to hurt my wife any more, as well as I do not want to hurt anyone else. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well is that is your TRUE wish, then stick with us and try to fix you, get NC (no contact) with OW, and COMMIT to your wife and marriage.

Thank you all for your relpy's. Today is a new day for me, and hopefully for the rest of my life. I decided this morning that I want to do what God's will for my life is. I prayed very hard this morning that he show me what I need to do. I do realize that I have to fix myself first, and I am not real sure how to do that just yet, but I am going to try and start. The first thing I know I need to do is to have NC with the OW. I will try to change that starting today. I work right across the hall from her, and we have continued to talk daily, this has been killing me. I assume this has probably been what has been keeping my wife and I from being able to start over. Don't know, just a guess. I will earnestly start and find another job asap. I have a really good job, but I have prayed about it, and hopefully the Lord will open up the doors quickly. I am not sure what other steps I need to take now, but I am willing to try. I do want to thank everyone for trying to help me.