I am in a sort of Plan B and it has occurred to me that what if they come home and we find out that we don't really like them after all.

I've had a time to think about afew things about my WS and he has treated me rather shabbily during the period of our 1st false recovery and I had always blamed myself.

I have to ask the question about whether or not we the BS are also in FOG. We keep talking about the WS being in fog and making excuses for them but maybe we get too distracted in our desire to hold onto what we think maybe is an illusion and a part of our past and not the rality of our current situataion.

I often wonder if any of the WS who return home feeling confident that they want to be there suddenly find that the BS over time does'nt want to be with them anymore.

I am thinking about those who have been in Plan B for self protection rebuilding their own lives and discover their own self esteem and other interests.

In fact I read in Dr. Dobsons "Love must be tough" this could be the vulnerable spot for the WS.

I'd really be interested in any experiences anyone has had relating to this

Hi Chestnut...I have thought about this as well...I have been on the rollercoaster from hell since July...tried to reconcile four times with WS still in contact with OW...you wonder if this is all worth it...it is coming up to almost two years since he started sneaking around with OW..he moved out in October 2003 and has been seeing her since then....the manipulation and lies I have endured is overwhelming..back and forth from OW to me...it has to end sometime... I have started to mention Divorce but he states he does not want one...how long will he keep up this fence sitting...I bet as long as I will let him...if and when they do come back will they be the person we want to be with...my daughter-in-law and I had that discussion today...he has changed but not for the better ...I have changed for the better..so do WS's even get back to the place where we see the man we loved and married and respected? ..he has spent the last 18 months with trash and is beginning to act, look and talk like what he is with...I wonder if he will ever come around?...he is very stubborn and rather than face his issues keeps ignoring his problems...are there some Ws's that just never get to the place where they realize what they have done is so wrong..I wonder

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

I've thought about that too. My feelings keep changing. I've also been working on myself and making changes, and doing new things.

Now that WH is gone, I notice that there are many things about him that I do not miss. We spent all of our time with his family, doing what he wanted to do, watching what he wanted to watch on TV, etc.

Actually it is quite pleasant without him. I don't think he will come back to marriage, but if he does, I may not want him.

Hi chestnut,

I have been thinking the same thing even at this point.I look at all the pain and suffering my WH has caused,continues to cause and I honestly don't like him right now and I don't feel like I want to be his friend.He is not a friend to me anymore,I have been treated better by strangers.

I have grown more,bettered myself,read a lot,became very educated about infidelity,continued to take care of my two daughters,home,dog and everything else.My WH is still stuck in the mud.Only now he is about to get some legal papers to fill out because I am tired of being second,ignored,stomped on and treated poorly.And he has the audacity to defend the homewrecker when we unfortunately discuss what I believe to be a desperate,user involved with my husband.

It would take a herculean effort on the part of my WH to make any type of ammends and I honestly don't think he has it in him to change for the better.He doesn't want to do ANY serious work on the marriage even when he did say he wanted to reconcile.He wasn't up to task.He is a weak man and an addicted one.The long distance infidelity is just pathetic.

I definitely do not feel like I am in any fog.I am very clear about how I want to be treated and what I want in life.I have my down days still but they are far and few between now.I have no illusions anymore about what IS.That is why it makes it harder to see a hopeful outcome right now.

O

I know exactly what you are talking about. I feel we are at a strange place. I feel like I love my husband (he's been in my life for 22 years and we have 3 lovely girls who would give anything for a united happy family). But I don't like him. He says he likes me but doesn't love me. Told me I was his best friend but you should be good to your friends. He has big health problems and I have excused a lot of very bad behaviour because of this. I have now dealt with deceit, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, disrespect etc etc. Would you excuse any of these in a friend - really?

I opened up this thread like three times, read it through and refrained from posting because I was afraid of what I'd write. (I had my big vent yesterday)

Still, I think I've come up with something positive to say. It was pretty tough...

The way they are acting now... in the FOG (hate that term) is understandably hard to cope with. If I thought that my wife was being herself in all her actions, I'd dump her so fast, I can't even say how fast, because by the time I finished saying it, her stuff would be out on the street. (figuratively speaking)

The point is, what we are trying to do is get past all that... To regain and rebuild our marriages so that our waywards come back to reality and start behaving more like the people we used to know and love.

By using the Harley methods, we hope to rebuild our families according to a new paradigm, one where our needs our met, our spouses needs are met and situations like these do not develop in the first place.

So there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dewt