Okay, I've been on this site before for advise and once again here I am. In brief, husband had affair, we worked things out all went wonderful for 2 months, came home one day found him gone and since then has been in and out of the house now 5 times. He comes home stays for a week and returns to townhouse which he rented for the both of them - while there calls me saying he's confused but knows he miss's us/family and needs to come home, we work things out he comes home stays a week and goes back to her, each time he says it's over with o/w and then returns to townhouse. This was the 5-6 time he has stayed a week and left., while leaving he says " I don't know what I want" what should I do, meanwhile all his clothes are packed and half of this belongings have already been moved out of the house behind my back previously during the week. I have now reached a point of complete frustration and will be filing for a divorce. The girlfriends husband has served her with divorce papers and the next day my husband moved out on us... she has 3 children whom she walked out on 2 months ago and does not want custody of them, I am told she's been playing the same head games with her spouse "the I don't know what I want" I'm confussed, I need time... meanwhile we have all theses lifes at stake and in limbo just waiting for decisions to be made. My husband has walked away from his teenage sons who are devastated with their fathers actions, his comment was "who cares about the boys" all he cares about is his own life and ow... I do love them man obvisouly otherwise I would not have allowed his coming and going, I realize he's going through a cofussing time, but reality sets in and he must make a decision one which he will live with the rest of his life. He does not want any friends/family to know of his actions, it's suppose to be kept a secret that he walked out on his family and his situation. I had made sure to tell his family and friends I feel let him deal with and live with the pain he has caused his family. I am having a difficult time dealing with the lose and lonely nights/days. I miss him so much and ask myself why, when he was home all he did was sneak around to call ow or leave the house for a short errand and return 4 hours later with an excuse as to why it took so long (he was at townhouse with her) I don't understand my feelings of such a lose when I know in my heart he miss treated me horribly. To know all week you are planning on leaving and be sneaking your clothes and belongs out of the house but in the meantime holding my hand, telling me he loves me, holding me in his arms all night, I can't understand how anyone could be so cruel. He will say things when he's with her like "I miss my family", I realize what I had, I want to come home, I don't know what's wrong with me. Now, since he's left we can't get him to return any calls or e-mails and when he finally decides to make a call his messages are nasty/short and sweet as if why are you bothering me? He acts like we are an inconvenience to him. This time he is acting completly different from previous times, just the nasty attitude and no return of calls or e-mails, he has completly dropped us and shut us out of his life or else is trying to do this I wonder since he felt something was missing with this family how will he deal with starting a new one, just becoming a step dad to younger kids when she has visitation? I wonder what will happen when that family feels like something is missing will he run again. They are planning on moving south and leaving the area which really surprises me that a mom would not only walk out on her children but move away from them and not be able to pick them up from school and be a part of their lives on a daily basis, I wonder why they feel the need to run.... I am so lost with this situation and need anyone's help or assistance.
I have appt with attorney to start divorce proceedings next week in order to protect myself and assets.

He does this because he is addicted. You can see he is acting just like a junkie.

It seems to me that it is too early for a divorce. Is there anyway you can just file separation papers to protect yourself?

I would go into Plan B. You know that this is just a fantasy for them, two selfish people.

Angel hang in there weekends are slow here so be paitent some people will come a long with good advice. Have you read Surviving an Affair or His Needs/Her Needs? If not I suggest you do. Do you know about Plan A or Plan B? Most WS act this way we call it fog around here, where everything we do is wrong. It's just rationalization for them to make us look bad in the WS eye's so they don't feel so bad about the A. If you read here you will see pretty much every WS follows the same script. One other thing it's usually up to us BS if we want a DV or not so if you love your H even after the A you can hold on the DV papers.

Have you tried to work the Marriage Builders program at all? I see so many missed opportunities in all of this, such as Plan A, Plan B. Taking him back over and over again before he is ready to to give up the OW is a huge mistake, as I am sure you can see now.

I think you have much better options right now than divorce if you want to save your marriage. There are no guarantees, but the truth is that this affair is likely to die out unless you lovebust him right into the OW's arms. When it dies out do you want him back?

I think you are probably at a good place for Plan B but I wonder how badly you have been lovebusting him? Because if you have been lovebusting him [annoying behavior, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, begging, pleading] then Plan B would be a RELIEF to him right now. How have you been treating him? Have you threatened divorce?

Tell me as much as you can about how you have been treating him and let's see if we can develop a plan. There are too many things you can try before throwing in the towel.

I have been trying to get him to talk with me since he left and he refuses. He'll leave short sweet messages and nothing else, most of the time he doesn't even answer his phone and if he calls back it's 5-6 hours later. I know I should not be bugging him but I am, I can see that now, I just feel the strong need to talk with him, hear his voice it's almost like holding him. I have threatened divorce only because he said it's over let me go, I must move on.... I asked him yesterday about it, "do you want a divorce" his answer was "I can't answer that" so what else do I do, OW was served with her divorce papers on TUesday from her spouse which lead me to believe he wanted one also.. What else can I do? He'll call the boys and leave them messages " I hope you can forgive me" that sort of thing but will not call me, he'll promise to call and not follow through with it. Shall I just let him go completely... HE has ordered a new car using our equity line of credit off house, which I found out about by mistake and that worries me also, so many lies all the time. He'll say I don't know what I want, then why is he acting like this and leaving me and the kids, why not try to work with us instead of her, we have 22 years together and they have 6-9 months.... How do I get past the calling him all the time, how do I move forward without him? I really need advise badly? I must try to reach him at least 10 times a day and leave messages at least 5 or more., guess that's annoying, shall I not do this and do as they say "absentence makes the heart grow founder" but I am afraid I'll lose him completly. Help me with this one. TO answer your question, do I really want a divorce NO, not at all I want my husband back but I feel like it's impossible.

I'm no expert. But I will tell you this. Everytime you want to pick up the phone one more time, INSTEAD, promise me you will one complete article on the site on Plan A and Plan B. Then, when you are done with that, go do something to take care of yourself (a nice long bubble bath). Then, the next time you want to pick up the phone again, instead, go to the bookstore and buy surviving an affair. Then read one chapter. Then, when you are done, go hug those boys, and try and do something with them. Then, when you are done, if you STILL want to call your WH, then, do a search on this board for plan A and Plan B.

Will post more in a minute.

Christy is right. Don't call him again until you have read the book Surviving an Affair. Chasing him only pushes him away and that is exactly what you are doing.

If he calls this weekend, don't beg, don't plead, don't make any accusations. Just be polite and civil and sound happy.

Get ahold of an attorney on Monday and start protecting yourself financially right now. You need to get your finances serperated.

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

divorce proceedings are scheduled to start on Tuesday, I am nervous about that, but feel it's probably the right thing to do, he refuses to call and I am sure he's testing himself, but I can only take so much and love so much. Sometimes all I want is to move forward with my life and find someone who will protect me and shelter me, love me, respect me, and be a part of me for the rest of my life no questions asked, that's what i thought I had with my H but apparently he had other plans. It's just hurts so much, it's so hard no talk to him or hear his voice it kills me inside, it makes me sad, unhappy, and angry that he did this to his family and boys over a women who is only out for money, what mother can walk away from a 19 year marriage and three kids without looking back, it concerns me for his sake, I feel like she has no respect for anyone or anything and is only using him and that hurts me probably more then him, yes she loves him alright, I think she loves the life style she feel into more then him,. I would never take a man away from his family and children, I would never consider dating a married man it's against everything I believe in, I find it hard to believe that there's people out there who think nothing of destroying families even their own. I truely believe this will not last for them it started off with so much distrust, dis-repsect for others, and lack of honesty how can anything weather a storm, I feel like they will always throw back some aspect of this mess at one another eventually. I just feel so horrible that my boys had to be hurt because of a selfish women who had a family of her own and choose to destroy someone else's to benefit herself. My boys love their Dad but are so hurt I don't think they will ever have anything to do with him now, if he does not consider fixing us he has lost what little family he had left, I have tried talking to them telling them "IT's your dad" but they seem to think he old enough to know better and they/us should have been more important in his life then some women and new sex! We had so much going for us to walk away and be unsure of the decision he is making hurts me horribily. What hurts more is to see my boys not want their father, not want to be a part of him, he has done alot for them in the past and all they see now is the pain and hurt he has caused, and feel like he doesn't love them or even consider them while making a decision. My youngest said" no decision" family always comes first mom, what's to think about, we are blood, she's not... IT's amazing what they say even at 16. HIs father left him a message which he didn't even listen to just deleted and said he has nothing to say to him, nor wants anything to do with him ever! I feel so horrible since he's a young adult who needs a Dad. He told me to go find him a new Dad, maybe a man who doesn't have his blood in him will care more then his own father does, that's so sad to hear. He truley believes his father should have cosider all of us, not just himself, we came this far and had so much in front of us and now he's starting over. I have surving an affair and have read the book but will read again., I can't believe I am going through this mess.... I just want it to end and I wish I could hold him in my arms and never let go, but that's not going to happen and I have to keep reminding myself of all the cruel things he's done to me recently in order to try to stay even a little mad.... see I can't stay mad at him I love him so much, how can I get past this stage and move forward. My neighbors have invited me to their church, apparently they know a couple of guys who are divorced or single and said they are really nice, all I want is companionship, no relatioship right now, just someone to talk with and go out with is all. Does anyone think this is a good idea? It's better then going to a bar, I went out last night to a small restaurant and had a few drinks with friends, it was so uncomforable for me, men coming at you from both sides acting like real charmers, to me it was sicking. I was amazed how men act when trying to catch themselves a women, I talked, but left alone and went home to cry... I probably could have spent the evening with one of them for sure but instead I left... what's wrong with me?
I know divorce must be the answer for him, it appears he just doesn't want to say it, or doesn't want to hurt me anymore who knows, should I just follow that path and move on? No more waiting no more games.

UGH! I just posted you a long, eloquent (if I do say so myself...ha ha) reply, and then lost it!

So, now I that I have written it once, it should come out quickly.

I hear your pain. It reminds me of the pain I felt when this was fresher. IT still hurts now, just differently. In my humble opinion, if I were you, I would do the following:

* Make an appointment on Monday to talk with Steve or Jennifer Harley. The cost is $185 per session, and I think you will believe it is worth every penny. They will tailor a game plan that will work specifically to you, taking into consideration how to salvage your marriage, preserve your feelings, protect your boys, and maybe bring your WH home for good. The number to call for an appointment is: toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639

* Call your doc and get on anti-depressants. I used to judge people who took anti-depressants, but now I understand how you need help to take the raw, bleeding, savage-ness (not a word, but you get it) out of your pain. You need this. Your boys needs this, and you will need help to execute the next point, which is...

* You can save your marriage. The good news is that you do not have to try and reinvent the wheel, test a bunch of therories, in the hopes that one works. The MB principles have saved countless marriages, and many of those were plagued by the damage from an affair. The bad news is, All of the tactics you need to take are counterintuitive. This was especially hard for me, because decisions based on my gut have usually worked for me. I have a highly defined sense of intuition, and rarely question my instincts. But the things that will need to be done to save your marriage are definitely counter-intuitive. Your husband has been abducted by aliens, the words, actions, and pleas that used to make a difference to him are now completely powerless. The actions that your heart tells you take will drive him further away. So you have to trust that what the MB principles are telling you to do, are proven and work, but not if you modify them, second guess them, or try to make it fit what you think is right. Because what your intuiton tells you to do in this situation is probably wrong.

* Do not contact him again until after you have spoken to Steve or Jennifer. Don't do it. You are damaging your chances to save the marriage, damaging yourself, and damaging any remaining respect he now has for you.

* Do not rush toward divorce. Find out what your rights are. File for legal separation if you have that in your state, but I think you want to salvage your marriage. You just want a man that will respect you, make you feel safe, and meet your emotional needs. I think that man could be your husband, but you have a tough, bumpy road ahead of you. But you could have the marriage of your dreams!

* Do not try and look for a new mate or companionship right now. Any consoling, guidance, whatever, should come from god-fearing WOMEN, or maybe your counselor, this forum, etc. That is how affairs happen, someone shares something emotional with someone of the opposite sex, next thing they know, they are making love bank deposits, and then they think they are soulmates, and the rest of the world is inconsequential. You are living with integrity. Your sons see that, when they are not seeing it in their dad. You do now want to stoop to having your own affair.

Come here for support. It really does get better. And if you have aol instant chat, I would be willing to share my sign on and could chat more one on one if you would like!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

ChristyV
Thanks for response, you certainly speak words of wisdom. I would appreciate sharing info with you maybe Plan B would help me, not sure he wants to save the marriage, when I asked him "Do you want a divorce" he says "I didn't say that" so okay,
what does that mean? YEs, aol, contact me sherylberg would like to have someone to help me through this.

Angel: Have to feed my kids dinner, get them cleaned up for bed, and do something around this house (they have been out of the house playing with the neighborhood kids because I have a terrible cold today and didn't feel so good and have done NADA). I will hop on chat tonight (say, about 9:30pm EST) and we will commesurate together about our mess. POWER TO THE BETRAYED SPOUSE! BS's UNITE! Ha!

Will you be online then?

came on much later than I thought. I hope you are doing ok.

Hi angel...you posted in my thread asking what plan B is about. Well...before you do plan B...you must do plan A...that is how it works...you must buy the book Surviving an affair or read the articles in this site.

Who started this divorce proceeding? You did it or he did? Can you put a hold on it? It is tough to know that you are 2nd choice. Who wants to be 2nd choice!!!! I did not. I also wanted to divorce my WH and i did see a lawyer but i realise divorcing him will not make my pain go away. It was only a way to force him to make a choice. Looks like your WH is one of those who will NOT make the right choice if force to. There are some who will but not ours.

Plan B is sort of divorcing your WH without actually divorcing him legally. You have no contact with him. NOT one squeek! You dont see him or talk to him. The idea is to make you emotional strong therefore you will be able to divorce him when the time comes without having all those hurt and pain that you are going through now. During plan B if WH does come home to you than you will also be emotionally strong enough to face him and make recovery work.

Thanks for response, I am started divorce proceedings, as far as I know he has not started anything unless he has not communicated this with me which is possible. He hasn't been doing much communication these days, can't even get him to return a phone call. I am just so hurt to think after 22 years of marriage this man walks out of the house and away from two teenage boys just when they are becoming men and we have a bright new and excitig future in front of us with all new experiences he choices to move forward with a women who obviously had no respect for her 19 year marriage or 3 children whom she walked away from I can't even image a mom walking away from three kids who constantly call out to her to come home and want her presence in the house. I worry for my husband thinking if she can treat her family like this how will she treat him after he walks away from the only family he has, will she mistreat him also., so many feeling run through my head.
Thanks for info on Plan B, I do have a book called surviving an affair I will see if it's the same one you are talking about, makes alot of sense Plan B does. I will start right now with no contact no calls and see how far I get, it's going to be so very hard, he's my sole and my heart. Maybe that's what he is doing Plan B since he won't return calls or contact me in any way not even to answer questions about house concerns it's like we are dead and out of his life completely.
My anger runs so deep to think all he did was pack a bag and take the few things he wanted and everything else was left for e=me including, house, attic, kids, lawn, maintance, cars, pets.
We built this house as two and I am left as one

ChristyV

Signed on much later also, let's try again soon.
could use someone to talk to., this is killing me inside and out.

Angel -

Slow down and read Christy's post again. She is giving you very good advice. All of the hurt you feel is what we all have been through. Just look at your WH like he is an addict. Most WS's act just like him, giving up everything for their "fix".

But if you stick with marriagebuilders, you can save your marriage. So I hope you will settle down and get ready to do the program.

Angel, have you been reading anything on this website? I would try and calm down and do some reading. Your marriage depends on it. It's real important to get control of your emotions [easier said than done, I know] and put a STRATEGY in place to save your marriage.

First off, you must go get the book I told you about. It will help you understand what is happening here. Knowledge is POWER when it comes to an affair, believe me.

Secondly, read this article about Plan A, Plan B and lovebusters. You need to be in Plan A right now. And you must stop all lovebusters and start a program of ATTRACTION. You must ATTRACT him back and stop pushing him into the arms of the OW.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

That means no more calling him, no begging, no pleading, no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements. Do you understand? If you want to save your marriage, you MUST STOP DOING THAT. You push him away with EVERY lovebuster. And that is why he is avoiding your phone calls.

Would you want to talk to you if you were him? Are you pleasant and attractive and civil on the phone? I bet you aren't and that is why he is avoiding you. So, quit chasing him and let him call you. When he calls, you must be pleasant and civil.

I do not think you should file for divorce but you need to see this attorney to protect yourself financially. Especially in light of the fact that he taking out home equity loans in your name.

I know you guys are so right, I feel like I'm losing my mind. The latest is he now calls my cell phone which shows up as "Private Call" hoping I will not answer ( which I didn't) so he can leave a message, he knows if I see his number I'll answer, and no I haven't been crazy when speaking with him actually very calm just lots of questions which he prefers not to answer obviously. The latest message said "I lost my cell phone not sure when I'm getting new one and haven't been able to check e-mail, will be in touch" well I checked on-line nextel message I sent-he did access which says there's no truth in the lost cell phone story which I am sure there's no truth in the computer story either, plus he's stopped payment on a check he gave me before he walked out the door so I would have emergency funds., now does that sound like someone who wants to come home NO! Sounds to me like he hates all of us and just wants to be free.
The info sent to e-mail was from Marriage Builders encouraging him to check this site out, guess he felt it wasn't worth it., the text message was important message which was left at house for him., but no replies. I am frustrated, sad and annoyed all in one! I had to borrow money from my parents in order to start some type of legal process in order to protect myself financially since he left me with no funds and cleaned out all accounts, then stopped payment on a check, and right now I am not working since he told me to quit working and stay home to work on our marriage, so this leaves me with WHAT? 22 years of marriage and he treats his family like this? I will read web-sites and TRY my best to just move forward, my problem is I don't see any future in the marriage when he's acting like this so why bother educationing myself on how to fix things when it doesn't appear he wants anything fixed. Although I understand Plan B will teach me to be on my own and independent which is what I need. I must get over the feeling of loneiness
and deceiption, and lost trust in order to move forward... Boy I really am a difficult one here aren't I., talk about feeling lost.... Keep posting your encouragement is helping me a great deal., thanks to everyone for being there!

This time last year I could have written every word of every one of your posts. As long as I was begging and pleading with him to love me and stay with me, he wanted nothing to do with me. He wanted nothing to do with me until he was sure that he couldn't have me (rediculous huh?)

Today we are back together and there is no contact with OW. Don't give up hope yet. PLAN B!!

angel,

Please take some time before you jump into anything. You are NOT ready to divorce. IF you need to do a "legal separation" thingy for financial protection, that's understandable. Some states have that option, some do not. Check to see where you are.

Listen, I mean REALLY listen to believer and Melody. THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!

We have ALL been where you are. My H did all the EXACT same things!! Including telling me he "didn't know, didn't mean it that way" (getting a divorce) EVEN ON THE DAY HE HAD ME SERVED!!!

I also did what you are doing.......I used to call his cell phone, tried to "talk him out of this" - other times I didn't even talk to him............just wanted to hear his voice!! This is awful. I know. But you must give it time..........give yourself time. Get healthy again.........eat again, and learn to sleep regularly again......this is like being involved in a nuclear blast. You are wounded and bleeding. I KNOW!

Hun, his behavior is an addiction. Also been described as though they've been abducted by aliens! There's no rhyme or reason to what they say or do. DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP OF REACTING TO THEIR IRRATIONAL ACTS!!

Read everything here. Click on the links above and read all about the Concepts: Love Busting, Falling and Staying in Love, Emotional Needs, How Affairs survive, thrive and (eventually) die........it's all explained in there. YOU NEED INFORMATION now.

It's all here, but you've got to stop obsessing. Believe me, WE ALL KNOW HOW THIS FEELS! But we all know you WILL SURVIVE this, if you just calm down, and READ and "arm" yourself with information to help you get through it (relatively) sane.

God Bless,