Angel,

You will feel calmer if you listen to us and start following a productive strategy. Right now you are anxious and at the mercy of your feelings because you have no control over the situation.

We can help you get control of this situation [not him, though] if you just relax and listen. For now you must take care of certain important things. However, your marriage is not hopeless. It is not over. Your reactions have served to make the situation worse, but that can be overcome if you follow Plan A.

Here is your Plan for now:

1. Don't call, text or email him
2. If he calls, no begging, pleading, angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments
3. contact attorney tomorrow to help get you some financial relief but do not discuss divorce
4. start looking for a job NOW
5. go to the bookstore and get the book, Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley

That is your immediate agenda. After you get all this into motion we can start discussing ways to attract him back to you via a solid Plan A. But in the meantime, if you get the opportunity to talk to him, don't blow it with any lovebusters, ok? We are going to have to try and recover from some of your LB's and attract him back.

Now, you will not die without your H. I know it hurts, we have all been there. But you will not die from this and will be fine. You will either end up with a better marriage than you had before or you will end up detached from him. We can help you do this if you just calm down and quit reacting to your emotions. I know thats easier said than done, but your marriage depends on it. You will be ok, Angel.

Reading all of your responses is really helping me. Just as I am writing this my cell phone rings once again "Private Call" when I answer he hangs up, it rings again I answer HE HANGS UP all he wants to do is leave messages which seems so strange to me, why won't he allow himself to talk to me, that's what really bothers me most. I have been his sole mate, his rock throughout all this mess, he and I even sat down and talked about relationship with other women and her kids and their issues, I was his friend and held myself together in order to show him my strength and hopefully win him back, but instead he ran away.
Now I can see what you mean, show strength- act like you don't care, act independent, and try to move forward without him.
I know I will survive with or without him, I am suspecting he and OW left area - I believe he's moved to NC so I don' see this marriage working!
I will read websites asap which I am sure will help me understand more and learn to control my emotions.
I can't thank you guys enough for all your support and kind words of wisdom.

Angel...are you around tonight. I've read all the posts, and everyone is right. Have you calmed down? Are you following Melody's Plan for now. She is a very wise woman...and a great resource on the site...and those were all great places to start.

Just checking in on you! :-)

Thanks, Christy, you are also a great asset around here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, I am calmer so what. I just drove past the townhouse my H rented for himself and OW, I had to see for myself that he had left the area and no one was there, and yes the place was dark which was what I thought, all his calls "Private Call" meant something was going on, I knew it was another way for him to lie and make me angry. I am sorry guys but I had to see for myself so I could become angry and hopefully get over him and move forward, the more he hurts me and the more I allow the worse it will get. I must stop this obsessing and move forward with my life and be strong for my guys.
I feel so sorry for the boys ages 16 and 18 they are really hurting I can see the tears in their eyes. They feel for me also, they told me it makes them want to cry to see how much he has hurt all of us. Talk about being aducted by aliens this man should be an alien he is acting like one.
I will read all info tonight before falling to sleep, lately I don't sleep much, I usually stay up until 2-3 am and up by 6:30 sooner or later I will fall flat on my face. I can't sleep or eat all I do is wonder, why, how, what if, the pain, the hurt, the distrust and dis-honesty just kills me inside
I ask myself "do I even want this man anymore" and more then likely I keep telling myself no, but the heart says differently. I just wish he would tell me to get lost and maybe that blow would be what I needed to end all this fear and hurt.
I was thinking about joining one of those singles club sites or going to one just to see what it's like, I hate being alone all day and all night.
Hopefully by tomorrow I feel better and am able to move forward as a normal person and not one of an emotional mess.
Thanks you guys once again, this site has been a termendous help without all of you GOD only knows were I would be and what I would be doing.
The second time he left I was going to take all my zanax just to escape the pain, but laid down and thought about my boys and what type of life they would have with H and OW and changed my mind
I really scared myself with that one,, now I am a little more stable I hope.
I go for x-rays in am for shoulder where H pushed me into wall, all black and blue., already saw the doctor. Wish me luck...
Did alot of reading about legal issues and how to handle separation/divorce learned alot and how to move forward.
Talk to you guys tomorrow I hope! Stay with me here guys okay.?

Angel,
I'm going to jump in. I'm nowhere near an expert or true board vet like Melody or believer, but I've travelled this affair road enough to offer somethings that I hope can be of value.

First of all, you need to "ground" yourself. I know that your emotions are all over the place. Been there, done that. I'm a man, and I am not ashamed to say that I probably spent the first 4-6 weeks as a tearful mess during my wife's most recent affair and before "rediscovering" Marriage Builders. I know that you are really hurt, tired, angry and a million other emotions. But you need to come to a realization. Your H is not going to get you through this. YOU are going to get you through this. And don't allow that to add more pressure to you. Hopefully, it will take some off of you. Stop obsessing about where he is, what he's doing, how he calls, blah blah blah blah. We've all been THERE too. You can't control any of that crap. You can control you and only you. The sooner you get that straight in your mind, the easier this will become.

Now onto your message:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will read all info tonight before falling to sleep, lately I don't sleep much, I usually stay up until 2-3 am and up by 6:30 sooner or later I will fall flat on my face. I can't sleep or eat all I do is wonder, why, how, what if, the pain, the hurt, the distrust and dis-honesty just kills me inside </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been there. Down from 205 lbs to 165. And counting. It's called the "infidelity diet." I lost about 20lbs in a 3 week span. The last 20 came from me working out and eating right, both of which help me to sleep at night! Every time you wonder, you hurt, etc, just go for a walk, get some fresh air instead of hopping in the car or picking up the phone. And you need to start eating and eating right. You can't expect your mental and emotional health to be strong, when your body is worn out. Exercise a little and eat right. It will help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I ask myself "do I even want this man anymore" and more then likely I keep telling myself no, but the heart says differently. I just wish he would tell me to get lost and maybe that blow would be what I needed to end all this fear and hurt.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are torn and lost. He sounds like he is, too. How can either of you expect to find one another when neither of you knows where you are? You can't control him, so control you and find where YOU are. That way, if he comes looking, he can "find" you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was thinking about joining one of those singles club sites or going to one just to see what it's like, I hate being alone all day and all night.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ummmm....wrong answer. Do you want to have someone fill your needs, make you feel special? Of course, we all do. But who does this benefit? If you "meet" someone, then what? What if your H comes back to you the next day? Now you've hurt him, you, your sons and whatever unfortunate sap you've brought into the middle of this mess. BAD IDEA.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hopefully by tomorrow I feel better and am able to move forward as a normal person and not one of an emotional mess.
Thanks you guys once again, this site has been a termendous help without all of you GOD only knows were I would be and what I would be doing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tomorrow would be a good day to start! Do something that makes you feel good tomorrow. Forget what I said about eating right for a sec, and go get some ice cream! Go to the library, play mini-golf, whatever can put a smile on your face. For me it was watching baseball. Do something fun for part of your day, then get to work on this. If you treat it as a PLAN to save your marriage instead of chasing all the emotional stuff, you can approach the situation a little differently, a little detached. And you mentioned God. Might not be a bad time to touch base with Him, if you believe in that. Pray, go to church, whatever you are comfortable with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The second time he left I was going to take all my zanax just to escape the pain, but laid down and thought about my boys and what type of life they would have with H and OW and changed my mind
I really scared myself with that one,, now I am a little more stable I hope.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really don't like this statement. If you EVER feel that way again, pick up the phone and call someone. Besides, your sons will look to you for strength in this, b/c they can't look to your H right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I go for x-rays in am for shoulder where H pushed me into wall, all black and blue., already saw the doctor. Wish me luck...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part 2 of stuff I don't like. I will let you go into detail IF YOU CHOOSE TO, but this sounds like violence. No real man will bring harm to a woman. Ever.

Ever.


Ever.

Don't like that line.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did alot of reading about legal issues and how to handle separation/divorce learned alot and how to move forward.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't worry about the legal stuff. I personally don't think you want a D. I don't. So I let my wife handle all of that. And you know what she's done in almost 5 months??? Zilch. If you don't want a D, then why would you help it along?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Talk to you guys tomorrow I hope! Stay with me here guys okay.? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And we will be here for you. Here are my pointers:

1. Listen to MelodyLane and follow what she has laid out for you. She knows her stuff.
1a. GET THE BOOK "SURVIVING AN AFFAIR"!
2. Do something enjoyable, even if you have to force yourself. (Ice cream, mini-golf, yay!!!)
3. Eat right, get some exercise/fresh air and get some sleep. Get your body in shape to help your mind and heart through this.
4. Hang in there.

Good Luck,
Ethan

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Ethan
Thanks for reply, all very good points, I am number one and I realize that, just struggling with all the bad treatment and can't even believe I am being treated as such after "I've been the rock for him" "I've supported him and listen" and I've stood strong and allowed him back into my life many times" he has the nerve to just cut me off and shut me down just like that.

Yes, he'd become very abrussive toward the end last week or so, he broke into house after leaving and I was there watching him kick in the door and then the problems started, how dare I lock him out, how dare I try to stop him, and most important "This is his house not mine" which I think he really believes. That's when it began, he pushed me, I defended myself, he pushed harder! Before I knew it my shoulder was hurt and black and blue marks all over both arms. He is someone I don't even know, and can't image why I even care.
I have "Surviving An Affair" will read it again today, I read this book back in Dec 03 when affair was first discovered. But obviously, I wasn't reading carefully otherwise I wouldn't be here again would I?
Will talk more later, must get my son to school.,
Thanks for reply and caring, all you guys are wonderful, without you there to vent to and share with I would most certainly have lost my mind for sure.

Angel -

We have all been through the same thing. Right now I know you think that your marriage cannot be saved, but there is still lots of hope. Stick with us, do the reading and the program. Even if you don't believe it right now, it will help you.

Also take pictures of your shoulder and arms. Then get a restraining order. I think you have to see a lawyer to protect yourself financially. Or your state may have a place at the courthouse that will help you file for a separation for free. In California you can get help for free and go before the judge and get a restaining order.

Latest - Husband finally called with attitude- seems to think "I have a attitude not him" funny how things work. He angry that the boys will not talk to him, tells me he needs them right now, so what is that suppose to mean. Seems to me he put himself in this position willingly! Says he's out of town on business, his couselor told him to spend time alone, but instead he has OW with him also, not out of town on business more likely in NC/SC house shopping which is where he wants to move shortly.
Anyway, I asked him directly "Do you want divorce" his response "The ball is in your court now" okay, so what does that mean, YES, but I am too much of a coward to say so, or NO , not sure what I want? I am feeling like he wants someone else to make the final decision, and by me persuing divorce I would be making up his mind, he would just tell himself " She filed, there was nothing I could do" what do you guys think?
ALso he called back while I was out getting x-rays on shoulder and back I let him leave a message like he's done to me a million times. Then I went out to eat with a friend.
Still hurting very much BUT seem to becoming stronger as time goes on.
His last message was "we will have to catch up with one another maybe tomorrow, maybe Thursday when I get into town and chat a little! Okay, so just leave me hanging there right? Wrong Chat, hell I'm not interested in chatting, I have a whole house to run now along with two teenage boys who are devasted with what their father had done and he seems to think we should CHAT!
I've tried talking to my boys about their father, he leaves them messages and they delete before even listening to them in most cases, neither one will consider talking to him, infact I am told by both of them I could lock them up in jail for a week and they still wouldn't talk to him.... They are extremely angrey with him. Okay, so I tried!
My emotions are still crazy, one minute I am strong and fine and the next all I want to do is cry. I must gain control and become a strong women who could care less about him, just let him go and let him suffer in the end. I have sent him countless articles from this site which I don't believe he is even reading. Seems to think he doesn't need them anymore since he's made his decision at last "OW"!
Well, guess I'll try to get some sleep tonight, it's been awhile since I've slept all night and eaten very well.
Hopefully, tomorrow brings me sunshine into my life, it would be wonderful if a prince came riding up on his horse to take me away from all this and live happily ever after! I like to dream alot.
Must gain respect for myself and stand tall! I know it's important so both my guys stand tall right beside their mom and we come out smelling like the rose.