I am engaged to a wonderful man, but I have a problem with a female friend of his. I recently found out that before we even knew each other he had a sexual relationship with this female friend. She was married (and still is) and he was single. He also told me that she has made a sexual advance towards him while we were together, which he refused. I believe that he has never done anything with her since we have been together. He is still friends with this person but has not spoken to her since I found these things out. I was very upset when I found out that he had had sexual relations with her, because we have done things as couple with her and her husband on several different occasions before I found out. I have decided within myself that I cannot be comfortable with him being friends with a female that may continue to make sexual advances towards him in the future. He knows that she terribly upsets me, but refuses to end his friendship with her. He said it was unfair for me to ask him to stop being friends with someone that he has been friends with longer than we have been toghether. I love him very much, but I am on the verge of giving him an ultimatum "Either choose our relationship, or her friendship...but you can't have both!" Does this seem too extreme and unfair?

No, not to me!!

Our friends are mutual friends that respect and support BOTH of us and our marriage. They don't do things to cause conflict between us.

Hi michelle,

Welcome to MB.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your fiance to give up his friendship with this other woman(OW) if it is disturbing you and clearly it is not "just" a friendship given their past history together.He also has to contend with the fact that he was an other man(OM),someone who didn't respect marriage or the husband of this OW by "sleeping" with this woman while she was married.That right there is a big red flag for me.Something to consider working out BEFORE you get married.

I wouldn't give your fiance an ultimatum but I would calmly and rationally discuss how his friendship with this OW hurts you and you are concerned about your relationship.You have every right to bring this up because of his inappropriate behavior in the past.If he goes off and defends her in front of you then I would raise my suspicions on just how "friendly' they are.He should NOT be defending the OW realtionship/friendship unless he had something to hide.

If my WH came to me and said he had a problem with a male friend of mine and it threatened our relationship,etc. I wouldn't think twice to put that friendship away.My fiance/husband would come first before any other man and you should come first before any other woman.Beware ok? This is something to address BEFORE marrying this guy.Take your time.

O

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Unless I misunderstood, this woman was unfaithful to her husband and then attempted to do so again while you were engaged to your man...

I don't think she sounds like a very good friend.

I'm also not big on ultimatums. Usually if an ultimatum is required, there are bigger problems to be addressed.

dewt

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Getting rid of this friend won't fix the real problem, Michele. This is just a symptom of a much deeper issue here.

It is apparent that your fiance does not have anything AGAINST adultery or dishonesty, Michele. Do you realize you would be marrying a man who has NO BOUNDARIES? What he did to this man, he will do TO YOU. Count on it. There is nothing stopping him, Michele. He sees nothing wrong with adultery.

I am amazed that you have gone out with this couple yet he has slept with this man's wife? Does her H KNOW? Does he look this man in the eye? What kind of a man does that? Your fiance and his girlfriend are cruelly playing this man for a fool.

You surely understand that they would do the same to you too, right? His GF has demonstrated that she has no respect for your relationship either by hitting on your BF. And your fiance has demonstrated that he has no respect for marriage vows by rutting with a married woman. Nor does he have any respect for your feelings by staying in contact with her against your wishes.


Further, their affair has not ended. It has only paused for awhile. They can't go backwards from being lovers to being friends again. They are having an emotional affair and are still attracted to each other. He won't give her up and that should tell you what you need to know.

You need to run for your life!

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I'm with MelodyLane,

Your fiancee has demonstrated that he beleives adultary is acceptable. He continues to be friends with the OW AND her H? She has made advances towards him while she was married and you and your fiancee were together and he STILL defends their relationship?

This man is not marriage material. I would not marry someone who defends a dishonest relationship, an affair, and tells you that he has been friends with the OW longer than he has known you.

RED FLAG ALERT! RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I would like to thank you all for your replies. I am new here and wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it only fair to tell you a little about myself. I, while in my single days, slept with a married man. He was not living with his wife at the time, but nevertheless, was still married. I, however, have absolutely NO contact with this man anymore. I have no plans on ever speaking to him again...because I no longer have the desire, and out of respect for my finace. I know some of you have said that my finance's behavior is a red flag, but when I look at how young and immature I was when I slept with this married man, I do not consider myself a "red flag" type of person. Therefore, I had never thought of my fiance being a "red flag" person either because he was also young and immature. All of the replies I've had have forced me to take a good look at myself. Am I no better than him?

the difference is simple---youve learned that this behavior is wrong and moved on---he hasnt. he thinks its absolutely ok to disregard your feelings totally. if you want a glimpse of the future---read just found out for a few weeks. good luck to you.

Michelle, its not a matter of being "better than" but a matter of marriage suitability. You are getting ready to marry a man who sees nothing wrong with adultery and lying. He continues to go around his girlfriend's H even though he and she both know he has been screwing his wife.

What kind of man does that? If you are ready to marry the kind of man who has no boundaries and no respect for others, that is certainly your choice. However, you have to be ready to accept that he will probably do to you what he did to that man and will most likely have an affair because he does not respect marriage vows.

Maybe that is ok with you, but to many others that is not marriage material. Personally, I prefer a monogamous, honest man. You just can't expect this man to change. This is who he is and if you can accept that, then you have your man!

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Michelle,
I understand your sensitivity to the answers you received based on your past. The differnece here is that you have learned and do not feel now that the actions were a good decision.

Your fiancee wants to continue in a relationship with a woman whom is married and he has had sex with. Personally, I would not want to be around them as a couple knowing that my fiancee had sex with her, her H is in the dark about it, AND she is still interested in your fiancee.

As I said, that's my "personal" feeling. We are not professionals here, just people who will tell it like it is and hope to help others. If you feel comfortable in a marriage relationship knowing in advance that the relationship with his "friend" is not negotiable, go ahead with your eyes wide open.