ark:
More thought fodder!:
"here's my thing...
whenever a crisis...whenever a conflict...I need a plan...
I NEED a plan..."
I often think this way, 2. But not always. I've been trying 2 figure out why that is, particularly in this sitch. Maybe it's because I find myself wondering what a plan would do, exactly. At least a "formalized plan", or cookie cutter plan. I need a 2long/Mrs.2long plan. I don't get a clear or concise plan from my W, other than she'd like 2 take things a day at a time and focus on her problems first. Now, I think we'd all fundamentally agree that she does need 2 do that, but the details as 2 whether it would be helpful or hurtful for her 2 try 2 save her M at the same time isn't clear. She's not working with any real coach (yet anyway) and so I do a lot of guessing or assuming, if I'm not just kicking back and forcing myself not 2 go crazy with worry. I'm good at that (the going crazy part, not the kicking back part), so I've at least got something I can sink my teeth in2 when I'm working with MY coach. I guess what I'm saying here is that, for over 2 years now, I've been trying 2 FORCE some kind of plan, and that's a recipe for frustration when it doesn't work, doesn't *get my W 2 do what I expect her 2 do*. And it's that kind of expectation that I really have no right 2 have. I think the kinds of things I do have a right 2 expect, at least some of them, I do get if I'll just shut up and listen... or be considerate and evoke their coming 2 the surface. At various times, I've done that very well.
But it is true that renewed contact usually upsets that progress considerably. One thing I need 2 note here, giving my W benefit of the "doubt", such as it is, is that I didn't get the oppor2nity 2 tell her in no uncertain terms that I didn't want her 2 see RM on that trip, and I really didn't want her 2 take my son with her... trust me when I say that - something "interfered" in an already busy day that made that impossible. Before talking 2 Penny, not long before that trip, I had been of the habit of trying 2 state my feelings and desires "nicely" rather than directly, and I think my W consciously or otherwise grabbed at the possibility of misinterpreting my needs in a conciliatory way. But the bottom line is, and Penny herself pointed this out, I didn't specifically say she couldn't see RM on that trip, so I've got myself 2 blame (if I care 2 blame anyone) that she did see him. And that's why this "agreement" of NC unless I enthusiastically agree that she can contact him, is a milestone for us, not just me.
"I try to stay open and flexible as needed...but I need a plan to help ground and guide me....
but that's me...."
I need 2 be more clear about what I want and need, what I think is reasonable behavior, what I mean when I tell my W that I love her. She needs 2 do things 2, for her and for me, but we haven't been very sucessful at communicating those needs 2 one another for a long time. At least we agree we need 2 work on that.
"at first I thought you move home and try some 180's....be a little less available...a little less directly accountable....a little mysterious....
then I thought..step up your plan A...be really upbeat...positive...charming as always...engaging....
but every plan I see you doing in the home with her...leads to her just turning it around on you...."
It's ac2ally been very nice since I got home. I've got my computer set up. I've got the wireless located somewhere that we all can get signal from our little holes in the walls (of which there are plenty, believe me!). And I'm sitting here typing while my W is downstairs going 2 sleep with the TV on... I don't have 2 worry about this noisy wireless keyboard waking her up, and I can post until I drop (but I won't, because I have 2 go 2 work early 2morrow). about a half hour ago, I went downstairs and knocked on her door. She said come in, so I did. I leaned across the bed and gave her a kiss goodnight, and said ILY. And she said ILY 2! Then I let her go 2 sleep and I came back upstairs. I feel pretty relaxed now, more than I did in my friend's house.
"but then you said you are going to file in the next few months...
would she ever move out...
could you pat her on the head and tell her goodbye for now...."
I think so. I suppose there's a possibility that she's planning on leaving when she gets on her feet anyway, with this new job she starts 2morrow. I won't worry about it. I've been thinking more about my planning on filing for DV, 2. I think I'll back off on that, at least until I've had a chance 2 really work with Penny for a while. After all, it's being negative, and it's going 2 make working WITH my W harder. If I sense things getting 2 tense, I'll stay up here in my room more and "bother" her less. But the past few days haven't been like that at all. We'll see. I still can't imagine "doing this", whatever it's been that I've been doing, forever. But if I can stop fretting over every little thing I imagine's going on, most of which isn't, then maybe we'll both lighten up a little more. The house is going 2 take another 1 or 2 years 2 finish, and it's big enough that we could live apart like this for a long time if we had 2. I don't want 2 do THAT forever, either, but I could do it for a while.
"and give you the opportunity to plan b...
(promise no frying pans for you....)"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> How bout no tents in the front yard either?
"I'm really curious what she would do without you to "blame" ...and all that....without the official divorce in the process to spend her attention on..."
We talked about blame a lot on Sa2rday. We both realize it's useless 2 do that, and that neither one of us can 2rn back the clock. We still have a tendency 2 "go there" 2 the time, 13 years ago and then 4 years ago, when she said she was "in trouble" and wanted me 2 spend more time with her without telling me specifically what the trouble was (or with whom). I've known about my failures at those times for over 2 years now. She's been mulling them over in secret for 13. But neither one of us will get anywhere if we can't let go of the things about the past we can't change THEN. We have now.
"I know you don't like plan b...
I know you don't think it would work..and so maybe you never would do a perfect plan b...
but can you cut her a little closer to the bone...
(God that sounds mean)....
and i hope my meaning isn't lost..."
Thinking about this, if I need 2 use it. Again, with Penny's guidance always from now on.
"she has no consequences....
ever..."
Probably, unless she works with someone that can help her face them and deal with them. I can't, unless I do some plan B kind of thing. And, as you pointed out, I'd rather not.
"your wife reminds me of the Easy Rider personna...avoid the hard work....any way you can...."
Yes, she does. Maybe I do, 2.
"we also had the coveted deadwood [censored] award..
that went to the person who did NO work....
hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm......."
When I worked as a deck carpenter at a yacht builder almost 30 years ago, we had a "mental giant award" that went 2 the person that made the biggest goof on one of the yachts we were building at the time. We had 2 stop it though, because the boss' son kept winning week after week. So, we just went back to belt sander races during lunch breaks.
"2long...I hope you know I am not trying insult your wife...not even giving up on her....
and perhaps there is NOTHING you can do...to assist in illiciting change....
There is always hope..."
Yes, there is. And I do appreciate your insight. And I apologize if I seem a little thick at times...
-ol' 2long
