I am probably not to popular on a message board full of people who have been cheated on. But, I am so looking for some help. I had an affair and told my husband the next day. The person I had the affair with was my very first lover, who I have a child with. I never told him about his son until three months ago (Our son is now almost 15) So we started talking again and it was just like it was 15 years again. Now I dont know what to do. I am very much in love with my husband. We have been married for six years and together for seven. But sometimes I feel very closed off from him, like he is emotionally distant from me. I dont want a divorce but I feel like he deserves one. And I am still worried about the other guy. I have promised my husband I wont call him and I wont but how can I stop worrying if he is ok?

Trixxie,

Welcome to mb. Most folks here are pretty understanding....but if you feel too exposed, I do know of another forum where there is a private board for WS's who are trying to find their way home or rebuild their marriages after an affair. Give the people here a chance to show you that you're safe....but if for any reason you don't feel that way....you can write me at starfish4729@hotmail.com and I'll send you a link for the other board.

Trixxie -

If you want to build your marriage and stay with your husband and have him trust you, you can have no contact with the other man. There is no other way to do it, since the line has been crossed.

There are tons of wandering spouses here and they will help you. What probably happened is that some of your emotional needs (see emotional needs questionnaire here) were not being met. That, coupled with OM being your first love, caused you to slip.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this. And don't worry about people here not liking you. We LOVE wandering spouses that want to work on their issues.

Well, you can stop worrying about the OM. That's how you stop worrying about him. Eventually you will think about him less and less, but the key is to not act on those thoughts. In the meantime, you have alot more to worry about, such as your marriage.

It sounds like something was missing in your marriage that made you vulnerable for an affair. That is no excuse to have an affair, but it's real important that you find out what it was so this doesn't happen again. A good book that can help you strenghten your marriage is His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. It teaches you how to identify and meet the others needs so that you fall in love and stay in love.

In the meantime, I would read everything on this website to learn how to affair proof your marriage so you don't find yourself in this dilemma again.

How is your H doing? Are you doing everything you can to help him recover?

What do I do about being afraid that my husband will leave me now? What do I do about my son, whose therapist feels it is the right time to tell him about his real father? What do I say or do for my husband to make him feel more secure? What do I do for myself to stop feeling so sick to my stomach? Am I rambling? Of course I am, I am an emotional mess. I can not believe that I was stupid enough to fall into a situation that would lead to this. How do I make myself realize that this was just a fling for the other guy and not some deep unrequited love from 15 yrs ago like he says it was. And why am I so gullible?

Trixxie, what is your H's reaction? Are you doing everthing you can to reassure him and help recover the marriage? I would make sure he understands that you will do everything in your power to make sure this doesn't happen again. Have you answered all of his questions openly and honestly?

Can you send him here so we can help him get through this?

P.S. Trixxie, you should be afraid your H will leave you. That is why I think it might help if you did some of the things we suggested above, including sending him here. Most men don't want to lose their families, but if they see that their spouse is working hard to repair the damage and is remorseful, they are willing to work it out. Is he willing to work it out with you?

My husband is the person who showed me this web site. And I have agreed to let him read my posts. I am hoping that tonight we will have some time to fill out the honesty questionairre. As to him posting on here himself, thats up to him. I am sure if he wants to, he will. But I am still scared to talk to him about this. He says he has questions but I am afraid to answer them. I want to keep my marriage together. I want to work this out more that anything, but I also know him, and I know that there are some things that you just cant let go of or forgive. Also, I dont want to hurt him anymore. He is the rock in our relationship and I am not sure what I will do if he is not the strong one anymore. I feel like a ship without an anchor without him. As long as I have him then I am ok, without him I am lost. How much more can he take without leaving me, or not forgiving me?

Trixxie, it is very important that you answer all of his questions openly and honestly if you want to save your marriage. He can handle the truth much better than he can lies and continued secrets with the OM.

You cannot retain secrets with the OM that your H is not privy to. He must know it all or he WON'T be able to forgive because trust will be IMPOSSIBLE. You can't keep secrets from him anymore.

So, sit down with him and tell him that you are willing to answer each and every question openly and honestly. That will be the first step in rebuilding trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trixxie:
<strong> some deep unrequited love from 15 yrs ago like he says it was. And why am I so gullible? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I am going to lay this out very bluntly. Given the dates you have mentioned I assume this man is in his 30's so he is old enough to act like a man. Instead he is acting like a jerk!

A real man does not make love to another man's wife. A real man does not disrupt an existing family. A real man does not bring chaos to the life of a 15 year old, even if he is the boy's sperm doner. (Note, I did NOT use the word father. There is a lot more to fatherhood than what he did with you 15 years ago.)

This man sounds like a selfish, immature predator, not a man who you should be involved with and not a man to be a father to your child.

Am I being blunt enough?

An acquiantence had a similar problem to yours. A long forgotten bio parent wanted back into his child's life after 10+ years of being away. The mother met the man along with her husband. They both firmly told the man 'NO', that it would be bad for the child. When the bio insisted, the real father ( I hope you know who I mean!) pulled out a spreadsheet and showed him 12 years of expenses. He then showed him another 10 years including 4 years of college, first car, and more. You get the picture. Finally, he added in his time computed at minimum wage (a very generous concession on his part, I would have used at least $10 and hour).

The bio left and was never heard from again.

But this isn't about money is it? It is about who will be the best husband for you and father for your child. The bio has shown he is not man enough to be your mate or your child's father.

Give this some thought. And then give your husband a big hug and tell him he is the best husband and father you could want.

Put another way, until he has all the facts about your affair, he can't understand it. And until he understands it all, he can't be safe with you, much less assured that it won't happen again. Telling him helps him deal with it.

Trixxie-

Actually if you stick to the marriagebuilders program, you can have a better marriage than before. But you do need to really work on it. The others are telling you the truth. The lies hurt worse than the truth. You need to sit down with your husband and answer all of his questions.

You also have to realize that you did make a bad mistake, you were weak, and it is done now. The only thing you can do now is learn from it, and start rebuilding your marriage.

HI, Actually its not trixxie, its her husband, the message board wouldnt take two users with the same e-mail address.

Wow, let me just say a few things, She cheated on me, and it hurts like hell, but i still love her. My first wife also cheated on me, and that ended in divorce, with me having custody of my two girls. Knowing this, this is something that trixxie promised me and promised me would never happen. I feel hurt, betrayed, i dont know how, where, why to trust her again, i am thankful that she was honest enough to tell me about it, and hope that it is a start in working things out, and maybe even having a better marriage than before./ She used to tell me that i was her everything, but how do i believe that to be the truth. How do i believe that she loves me, other than her trying to work it out with me. How do we go on, i know it is gonna be hard, bit i am willing to try, i feel it is worth the time and effort. I know that she feels horrible, and i dont want to make it any worse for her, or for me either. She told me yesterday, and i just had to make love to her last night, just needed the emotional connection, and the love gained from it. How do i let her know that i want to be with her still, and that she is so important to me. How do i do my best to make it work out.

Hi husband, welcome to marriagebuilders. We all thought our spouse would never do something like this - but they did. And many of us had good, solid marriages.

You will be extremely hurt and devastated. But things do get better with time. I promise you that you can get through this and have a better marriage than ever. So stick with us.

Check out the emotional needs questionnaire here. Usually with women, it is more of an emotional thing. Try to do the quiz together and make sure to meet each other's needs.

Also the MB plan is to spend at least 15 hours a week with each other doing pleasant things. That will help you bond again. So hang in there, and we will get you through this.

Hi Husband, I am sorry you are in this position but please know that you can live through this and come out on the other end with a better marriage. I won't lie to you, its going to be a tough road for about a year. But if you BOTH are willing to work on this marriage and the fix the problems, repair the damage, you can have a good marriage.

The first thing I would suggest doing is going to the bookstore TODAY and getting Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair. That will help you understand what has happened here and better equip you to deal with it.

You can also come here and let us help you through this trauma.

It might be more helpful if you started a new thread for yourself so we can talk to you there and Trixxie can have her own thread. Can you start a new thread and call it Trixxie's H or something like that? That way, we can focus on you on your own thread and others can help Trixxie on her thread.

Trixxie's Husband, I know what you mean.

I found the biggest problem I face is not the honesty of my wayward wife or other women, but CAN IT TRUST MY OWN JUDGEMENT ABOUT THEM. If my wife came back to me today, I am not sure I could judge her sincerity.

It's a mess.

Having to read a post by my own husband is more difficult then I thought, but I dont think that I am accurately representing the issues at hand either. Its hard to know what to say. I knew how much this would upset him. We have talked about this sort of thing for years, but I underestimated the pull of first love. I mean really underestimated it. I thought I could see him and just walk away. I should have known better. And I feel like a fool, such a fool, The thing is, I asked my husband to go with me, I think in part because I knew how tempted I was, and he wouldnt go, for what seemed like very good reasons. And I know I shouldnt blame him for making me go alone, I was the one who had the affair. But I do blame him some, I cant help it. And I cant help thinking that if my husband would have talked to me the way this guy did, or taken me to bed like this guy did, or said even half the things that this guy did maybe I wouldnt have done it. I am not trying to blame my husband, I did this and I am the one at fault, but I am still so confused about some things and I dont know what to do?

Trixxie, first off you can quit blaming your H for your affair and that is exactly what you are doing. You made the choice to hop in bed, your H didn't. Quit rationalizing your choices and take responsibility for them. I don't care how sweet your H WASN'T, there is no excuse for adultery nor is it the solution for a H who isn't affectionate enough.

Or are you saying that you will hop into bed with the next sweet talking guy? Is that very reassuring to your H?

I hope you aren't saying this crap to your H, it will only make the situation worse.

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Can you set up another email account for your H so he can have his own screen name here? He really needs to have his own thread and his own screen name. I think you can get free email accounts at yahoo.com.

I really need some time alone to think, but there is so much to do. I cant seem to focus and my thoughts are running all over the place. Why does this have to happen in such a way that I cant seem to deal with it? Its just like it always is, with everything else being more important than what I need to deal with. The kids, the housework, the grocery store, EVERYTHING has to be done and it has to be done NOW so I am supposed to sit around and stuff everything I feel. I am sick of it. No wonder I want to be somewhere where someone cares only about what I want and what i think, do I sound like a spoiled selfish brat? tuff! I have so far beyond had it. How am I supposed to be honest about things when everything and everyone is more important than what I have to say?