Hi Trixxie,

"I am probably not to popular on a message board full of people who have been cheated on. But, I am so looking for some help."

Actually, I pray that someday my WH (Wayward Husband) starts posting and reading here!

"I had an affair and told my husband the next day."

Good for you - in confessing the affair ASAP.

"The person I had the affair with was my very first lover, who I have a child with. I never told him about his son until three months ago (Our son is now almost 15) So we started talking again and it was just like it was 15 years again. Now I dont know what to do."

That should give you an idea how dangerous it can be to yield to temptation. You need to have absolutely no further contact with the OM (Other Man). Because it will only make you think of him even more and cause your thinking and emotions to be even more confused.

"I am very much in love with my husband. We have been married for six years and together for seven. But sometimes I feel very closed off from him, like he is emotionally distant from me."

Some of your most important emotional needs might be for affection, approval, converstation, etc. If your husband is not aware of and meeting your most important emotional needs than you are more vulnerable to having an affair with an OP (Other Person) who does meet those needs.

"I dont want a divorce but I feel like he deserves one."

Your husband may choose to divorce you... but don't tell yourself that he doesn't deserve having you make every effort to end the affair for good and to work on your marriage - together.

"And I am still worried about the other guy. I have promised my husband I won't call him and I wont but how can I stop worrying if he is ok?"

The OM (Other Man) is not your problem. You have made a committment to your husband and marriage. THAT is where you need to focus. The OM was a willing adult. In choosing to have an affair with you he was also choosing whatever consequences would follow. The OM decided indulging in adultery was worth the resulting problems. Your BH (Betrayed Husband) didn't get to make a choice. Your BH didn't get any pleasure out of the selfish choice you and the OM made behind his back. But your BH (if he chooses to stand by you) will suffer immensely because of a choice he wasn't even aware of, didn't have any say in, and got no pleasure from.
You owe the OM nothing. Instead you'd be wise to focus on the pain you've caused your husband and help him deal with this in any way he needs.

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trixxie:
<strong> I really need some time alone to think, but there is so much to do. I cant seem to focus and my thoughts are running all over the place. Why does this have to happen in such a way that I cant seem to deal with it? Its just like it always is, with everything else being more important than what I need to deal with. The kids, the housework, the grocery store, EVERYTHING has to be done and it has to be done NOW so I am supposed to sit around and stuff everything I feel. I am sick of it. No wonder I want to be somewhere where someone cares only about what I want and what i think, do I sound like a spoiled selfish brat? tuff! I have so far beyond had it. How am I supposed to be honest about things when everything and everyone is more important than what I have to say? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trixxie, I thought you wanted to save your marriage? That is what you asked and that is what we are trying to help you with.

You have just dealt a huge blow to your H. This is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit short of murdering his children. Your H is on the floor bleeding from the axe you just put in his head and you are crying about your poor lot in life.

Now, you can render first aide and focus on him or you can sit here and whine about rough your life is. Do you want to save your marriage? Because you won't save it this way.

Right now you must focus on helping your victim if you want to save your marriage and stop the bleeding.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How am I supposed to be honest about things when everything and everyone is more important than what I have to say?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is how you become honest: open your mouth and tell the truth. That is how.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trixxie:
<strong> And I cant help thinking that if my husband would have talked to me the way this guy did, or taken me to bed like this guy did, or said even half the things that this guy did maybe I wouldnt have done it. I am not trying to blame my husband, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not twist the knife a bit more. Give your husband some real pain! Maybe you should put up a chart showing how lousy a lover your husband is and how great the OM is. Put it over your bed so as to remind your husband to be a better lover.

Does that sound harsh? Well, it is not nearly as harsh as your own words which I have quoted. When you complain that your husband is not likde your boyfriend, you are doing your best to make sure your husband never feels like a man when he is with you.

Don't say you are not blaming your husband and then give us three reasons why he is to blame. You must step up to reality and face your responsiblity for the affair (100%) and your responsiblity for your marriage (50%).

I am WS also. I feel like whatever I say here is not right, so I created email for other WS to communicate with me. --peaceandlovemb@yahoo--
I am past my fog with OM, now I am going thru withdrawel, belive me, you won't get any compassion here-email me, and I will help you with some understanding that I have. We hurt too-but we have the guilt. My H was not meeting my EN-I found that with OM. It was want I needed. It made me feel like a woman again, don't be too negative-are you on AD? chat back-stay tuned in,email me-pal

Trixxie,

I have to disagree with peacandlove.There are a lot of us here that do have compassion and care about a WS.Some are more adept at other's at sounding comforting but what you will not get is a pat on the back and supporting you in the bad behavior.We are not asking you to stuff your feelings away.We know that you have feelings and you are at a very confusing time right now.

BUT,you came here for help and sometimes what you hear is not what you WANT to hear.Many WS's say that at first and then months down the road when they are in recovery,come back to say " I needed that reality check".

The thing is,you can go wherever you want where people will tell you what you want to hear,appear to know exactly what you are going through,are as sympathetic like no one on earth,stroke your ego,listen intently,give you the smooth talk but it may not be in your best interest,it may be *someone elses(OM).

This man that was your first lover(OM) did prey upon you whether you want to believe it or not.Anyone that disrespects a man or a woman that is married by tempting them away for their own selfish agenda is a dangerous person.Ultimately if you up and run away with an OP you WILL have to deal with issues of life and the fantasy and the infatuation will wear off.It is guaranteed.That's why we try to get WS's to see that what is at stake NOW is much higher than what they might believe.You cannot trust your feelings and so that's why we try to help you based on our experiences.

That's also why,although it may seem hurtful,we do try to stear a WS AWAY from the feelings aspect because that is where the trouble lies.Like the first time a person takes a hit of crack and their off and running with those major feelings/rush.The longer you keep feeding that addiction,the harder it will be to break free from it and MUCH more damage will have been done not only to you but your loved ones.This is a critical time for a WS.

Please don't feel like you can't come here for help.We do care.All of us are at different points in this whole Infidelity mess.So you will get slightly different responses and personalities tie into those responses too.

Infidelity is a very ugly,painful and selfish act and so we are trying to help you to understand just how bad this is for your H,that you claim to be very much in love with.Owning up to what you have done is the tip of the iceberg.If you care AT ALL about your H, you have to stop caring about who,what,where,why the OM is doing, going saying,etc.That is not your responsibility ANYMORE
if you want to save your marriage.HE WILL MOVE ON SO LET HIM GO.Focus on your H who is hurting beyond description right now.

Please stay with us.We do want to help you.

O

P.S.Start delegating some of the housework to the kids if they are old enough,ask family or a neighbor to help watch the kids for breaks,start making the CHANGES in how you live and interact with your H.You CANNOT go back to the same way of treating each other.Make your marriage the top priority right now! And don't worry,"we will get on your H's case too".He has faults here as well,we do realize that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by peaceandlove:
<strong> I am past my fog with OM, now I am going thru withdrawel, belive me, you won't get any compassion here-email me, and I will help you with some understanding that I have. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">peaceandlove, baloney. We have lots of recovering WS's here who would disagree with you. We have helped and supported numerous WS's by telling them the truth and helping them face reality. That is true compassion and support. There is nothing compassionate about helping people hide from the truth.

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I have no hidden agendas here, no matter how it may seem, I hurt a man who has been the rock of my life for the last 7 years. I would rather have died then do that. I can not even begin to explain they whys or the whatfor's of what I did. And I will gladly take 150% of the blame for everything. I never would have imagined that it would be so easy for a man (never mind that fact that he was my 1st or my sons father)to get me into bed without a thought to all the morals and values I hold dear, let alone the pain I have caused my husband. If punishment is what I deserve, send it to me. No harsh, blunt words can possibly hurt me more than I have already hurt myself, by hurting him. I cant think about anything except how to make this better for him. But I dont know how to do that, it seems all I know how to do is hurt him. He has asked my to stay, so I will stay, If he changes his mind and wants me to leave, then I will leave. It doesnt really matter how I help him to get over this, as long as I do. But I dont know what to do. And he doesnt know what to tell me to do either. I am just lost, scared and alone. If that is the price that I pay, so be it. But I am trying to figure out how to help him. Just tell me what to do to help him, thats what I am asking for,

Trixxie,

You won't get any punishment here, you have done enough of that all on your own. The damage is done, it's time to assess the wreckage and start clean up. That is what Marriage Builders is for. We are just trying to help you salvage your marriage.

A good first start is to start working on restoring trust in your marriage, starting with a long question and answer session with your H. I would then offer to open up your life to him, such as cell phone passwords, etc and account for all of your time to him.

Honesty is the solution to adultery.

Another very important step will be to send the OM a no contact letter. That is the LEAST you can do. HAve your H help you write it and take it to the mailbox together.

Here are some sample no contact letters.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Trixxie, read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

Trixxie -

If you want to save your marriage, have no contact with the OM. Write him a no contact letter. Tell him you love your husband and want to work on your marriage, and want no contact with him, for any reason.

And yes, there are reasons that you were so vulnerable. Do the emotional needs questionnaire with your husband. Then spend 15 hours a week with him.

This can all be turned around. Stick with us. Also you can get help from saveyourmarriagecentral. They have a special forum for WS's trying to heal.

It seems like this is all happpening so fast, On Friday I had an A, on Sat I told my H, on Sun, I am supposed to start fixing things. Does it always happen this fast? What if tommorrow (Mon) my H decides he wants a divorce? Should I wait and see what he wants to do first? Should I let him decide what he wants me to say/do? Or should I try to do things on my own? I dont want to do the wrong thing. I am trying to sit back and let him decide what he wants me to do, but maybe that is the wrong thing. His happiness i what is important, but without him telling me what he wants me to do, I dont know what I should do. Should I contact a lawyer just in case that is what he wants? Should I pack some clothes? Should I have sex with him if he wants to, or should I back off? I have read most of the MB articles and sites that I think relate, but I am not sure exactly what to DO.

Trixxie,

Go to him with a plan. Tell him you love him and only want him and here is your plan to heal the marriage. Tell him you want your marriage and are willing to do anything to save it. Give him this plan and ask if there is more that he needs:

1. send no contact letter to the OM
2. promise to never to talk to or see him again
3. answer all questions openly and honestly
4. give him all your passwords, ie: cell phone, work voicemail
5. offer to check in with him several times a day so that he knows where you are at all time
6. tell him you love him and want this marriage more than anything again and again

Don't even talk about seeing an attorney - don't even THINK about packing clothes. You might even initiate sex with him to help his wounded pride, but by all means have sex with him if he wants. That will help HEAL him.

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trixxie:
<strong> It seems like this is all happpening so fast, On Friday I had an A, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was this a one night stand?

I dont know if it was a one night stand or not, I slept with the my first lover, who I had gone to meet to discuss our son that we had together. I did not tell him about it until 2 months ago. Our son is now almost 15. He was very hurt and angry with me that I didnt tell him about his son, I was feeling very guilty about not telling him about it, even though when I was 17 and got pregnant it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Also, the way we left things(broke it off) was very loose and open ended, I had to contact him about a medical issue with our son. After he was done being angry with me, he brought up some unresolved issues that I thought had to be resolved. What I didnt realize was he was using those issues to get me back into his life, or his bed I guess. I wanted some closure with that relationship, its not that I had some unrequited love for him, just that I always felt like we never quite finished it. When I contacted him about our son, he touched on the same need for closure. The problem is, he doesnt want closure anymore, he says he has waited for 15 years to be with me again and now that he has me back, he doesnt want to let me go. But I only slept with him on Friday when I went down to get some closure on these issues and work out what to do about our son. Does it seem like a one night stand to you? I am new at this.

Hi trixxie,

And for YOU,keep coming back here to post with your feelings.It does help to talk to other's going through the same thing.The weekends are slow here so hopefully,some of the other WS's will be around to give their insight soon.

Take a breather too.Yes, things have been happening fast so let us help you to a wonderful recovery.Consider getting into counseling(pro-marriage)asap.Also take care of yourself.This is a huge emotional toll on both of you so you and your H will need to take the time to get sleep and eat right.Try going out for walks with each other,even take the kids if you can.

It is a LONG road to get to recovery(it can take up to two years for some but don't be alarmed) but well worth it,that's why you have to stay healthy in order to endure this.A LOT of emotion is going to come up for both of you so it is very important that you seek counseling to help point you in the right direction.If you get a counselor that decides to take sides or isn't pro marriage or that you don't feel good about,it can derail the whole process and you are both very vulnerable right now.But all that is needed is two willing partners and you have the best shot.

Remember to get the books mentioned,get into counseling,spend lots of time together(as much as is comfortable),look into possible AD'(antidepressants/doctor),eat right,get plenty of sleep(as much as you can),post here and if you haven't already,tell family and friends what has happened to you both.It may be uncomfortable but it is important to have a support group to help you and if your families know that you are both willing to work on your marriage,they can be a vital resource.No need to contact a lawyer as long as you are BOTH committed to repairing the marriage.By all means stay home if your H wants you too.He may act like he wants you stay and then the next moment he wants you to go.All BS's go through this but it's normal.He is going to need to talk to you a lot about this to try and figure things out.

You are both on what's called the *Rollercoaster.Each day will yield many different emotions,KNOW that that is NORAML for what's happened.Which is why it's important to roll with it and take care of yourselves.

You have received a lot of imformation so far and there is a lot more but take your time and keep reading and take breaks.You probably feel like your brain is at capacity.Mine was and is a little.So much to learn and think about.Hang in there,we are here for you both.

O

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Trixxie, yes that is what I meant by a one night stand. As far as I am concerned, you got "closure" on your relationship with OM the day you married your husband. It was officially closed then.

Did you read my check off list of things to do to recover from this debacle? Will you now take the list to your H and do those things?

A no contact letter telling him this was huge mistake needs to go out to him now.

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

*******PS******

Get tested for STD"s BEFORE you have sex with your H again if you had unprotected sex with OM OK? Very important.


O

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Trixxie,

People find all sorts of reasons to understand infidelity. Some people believe that your marriage has to be crummy to be vulnerable...but I know better. You can have a good marriage, sweet kids etc....and still be tempted. And past loves are very dangerous ground indeed. It is truly important however, to recognize that infidelity is the product of personal weakness...weakness in our own spirits. I know you understand right and wrong...you demonstrated that when you confessed...but you gave into what you wanted or needed without thinking of your marriage. That does NOT need to be the end of your marriage....and you CAN rectify that harm. I wish, everyone wishes...I know you wish...that now you could take it back...but you can't. So what CAN you do? Focus on that. That's how we can help....and many folks here are trying to point you to some helpful strategies that will rebuild your marriage, your family AND your spirit.

Please don't take things personally....it's not a matter of folks being mad at you or wanting to hurt you....but it is important for you to recognize that the choice you made has lasting consequences that will need attention and planning to survive. Many of us here have already been through this process....and used it to successfully rebuild our marriages under circumstances more difficult than these.

What are you willing to do to save your marriage? You have made a good start...you're here. There is a wealth of information that is free here to help you plan a more loving future...take it, adopt it and begin this journey.

Good Luck

Well I am trying to work on some of the advice that was given to me on this message board. My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking, talking, talking, I sent the nc letter, which my husband approved. I also called the other guy since he would not stop calling my house, even after my husband asked him to. (My H told me exactly what to say) The OM tried to get me to talk to him by saying he had important medical info about our son(which I have been trying to get from him) so now I feel guilty for not staying on the phone with him. But my husband thinks he was just manipulating me to stay on the phone. The OM still insists he will call me @ work and show up @ my work very soon, so I dont know what will happen there. my concern is that my husband and I are working things out now, but what happens two weeks from now, or a month from now, when life gets in the way again and we have no time to work on things, with two jobs, five kids, school, soccer, dance, church, ect. Life has a way of sucking the attention out of our marriage. Any ideas?

Trixie,

First, get a restraining order placed against him if he won't leave you alone. Next you and your H need to CALM down. You nor he can rebuild what needs to heal. This will take a lot of Time and Patience, T&P. So calm down abit. Your exBF cannot force himself into your son's life, as he is old enough to make decisions as to his domicile and what he will do with his life.

I think you should go see a lawyer and discuss the situation concerning OM and your son, and your family. Then gradually you need to work on rebuilding your marriage. You have done it great harm and with the melodrama of OM doing what he is doing, it will not be easy on you, and even harder on your H. You need to protect your H.

Do you know how to protect him? It is easy, be very very honest with him in all things. Please read the articles on this site about "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. They will help you both.

But, calm down. It will take a year to rebuild from this, go slowly carefully, and with determination. You and your H can do this, but it won't be over in a week as I am sure you would like.

Talk to a lawyer.

God Bless,

JL