</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The OM still insists he will call me @ work and show up @ my work very soon, so I dont know what will happen there. my concern is that my husband and I are working things out now, but what happens two weeks from now, or a month from now, when life gets in the way again and we have no time to work on things, with two jobs, five kids, school, soccer, dance, church, ect. Life has a way of sucking the attention out of our marriage. Any ideas?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trixxie...I don't want to be mean, but you sound like your own favorite victim. What are you a victim of? Well, you seem to sway whichever way your emotional wind blows. I'd be willing to bet that you believe that 'you can't help who you fall in love with' and 'if I follow my heart, it will be right'

BULL POOPY

Let me answer your question (above) with a story:
Suppose your driving down the road on bald tires at 100mph when you have a blow out and crash. Now, after the crash, you gotta ask yourself, "Self, how can I prevent that from happening again?" Well, let's see, I COULD go buy some more bald tires and continue down the road at 100mph while I post to message board asking people to tell me how not to crash again, OR I could CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR. Slow down, buy new tires, and make sure you keep them in good shape.

THIS IS YOUR MARRIAGE. Don't stand there wringing your hands...make the changes you need to make. They have been outlined for you in detail already.

Don't say you can't...because you can. If you don't make them, it'll be because you WON'T make them.

Stop reasoning emotionally. Your heart has already taken you places that weren't good for you. Are you going to trust it again?

People stay married becasue they decide to. People stay faithful becasue they decide to. Make you decision.
Low

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

Hi Trixxie.
My concern is for your son.

He is 15 and believes his Dad is his Dad!
The same Dad of his other 4 brothers and sisters.

Since his biological father now knows, like your counselor said, your son is going to need to be told.

How will he possibly be able to deal with such a life-changing blow?
That will be harder than unfaithfulness from a spouse, to find out the Dad you thought was your blood Dad, isn't.

And this is hard on good ole Dad that has loved and raised him as his own along with finding out his wife was unfaithful to him...Big load that everyone is carrying!

What a deal!

And why did you wait 15 years to tell the OM that he fathered a son?
Why didn't you tell him at the time?
Is the OM married with children?

Sincerely, Julie
P.S.Your situation makes me thankful for my OWN problems!

Perhaps I am not making things as clear as I need to for those trying to give me helpful words of wisdom and experience. I had a son with the OM when I was 17, I did not tell him for reasons that can only be understood by the 17 year old kid I was then not the 33 year old adult I am now. My H is not my sons father, my son thinks my first husband is his father. My H is not the father of any of my children, nor am I his children's mother, For me this is an issue because I would have really liked to have a baby with my H but do to financial reasons we can not. I contacted the OM to get some medical information when my son got sick, and told him he had a son. Yes there are issues with telling my son he has a different biological father, yes, I have been majorly stressed out about this and other factors about my son, including his illness and his behavior. Yes, I have contributed to the mess in my marriage, and as I have said before I am 150% to blame for this A. That i didnt mean for it to happen is not relevant. But perhaps what I am not conveying is this: The whole analogy used above about the A being me in a car driving 100 miles an hr on bald tires is backwards, that is how my LIFE has been, with my husband. It seemed to me that the OM was the set of good tires driving slowly. That doesnt mean that was the reality of it, only my perception of it. I know what I did was wrong, I am taking all of the advice listed here and trying to work on it with my husband, I appreciate anything that anyone has to say, good or bad, But please try to understand, that the issues of an A or why someone has an A are many and difficult to understand. I dont even understand them all yet and I am the one in the middle of it all. I am not excusing my bad behavior, only trying to understand it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The whole analogy used above about the A being me in a car driving 100 miles an hr on bald tires is backwards, that is how my LIFE has been, with my husband. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it's not backward. That is precisely what I meant. Your LIFE is a mess. Because it is, you seek to escape to the OM.

You need to take action slow your life down and maintain the relationship with your H.

As far as the OM being the slow ride...well, THAT'S backward! Your relationship with the OM is the WRECK!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But please try to understand, that the issues of an A or why someone has an A are many and difficult to understand. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having been where you are, I disagree. I think it only feels that way because you're in the middle of your affair.

It took me a awhile, but the reasons for my affair were quite simple. My life had become stressful and out of control. I chose the affair as an escape mechanism. I have a predisposition to addictive behavior and the OW was my drug of choice.

So there...reasons for the affair. Simple, concise, and unromantic. I doubt yours are any more complex.

Tough to bullpoop an accomplished bullpooper...I've been there, Trixxie. I'm still shocked at the lies I told myself. You're telling yourself lies as well. This is what's really confusing you. You don't know what's real anymore.

Look around you. Your H is real. Your kids are real. What you think you'd have with the OM is dream predicated on the absence of the stress you have in your life. Not real.

As long as you keep believing that no one can understand your "special" situation, you won't listen to any advice you're offered.

Good luck, Trixxie. You'll need it.

Low

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

Low
Youre right youre right youre right, and when youre right your right. Did I say it enough to convince you? Life has sucked for me for awhile now. Things have gotten crazy faster then I ever would have thought possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My life had become stressful and out of control. I chose the affair as an escape mechanism. I have a predisposition to addictive behavior and the OW was my drug of choice.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep thats me, got me there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As long as you keep believing that no one can understand your "special" situation, you won't listen to any advice you're offered </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My situation is hardly "special", if it were then i doubt you would understand it as well as you do. My relationship with my husband is something special, and that is what I am trying to get back to. But the problems that led up to the A are still there. My life is still stressful and crazy, The only difference is now I know what can happen if I let my guard down for a minute. Hopefully, now my husband knows too.

Does that sound like I am blaming him? because I am not. But am I now just an affair free adulterer? Because the way I feel is the same, sad, disconnected, and lonely.

I am trying to work on how I feel, and my husband is bending over backwards to open up with me and reassure me, and meet my emotional needs. All I can do is work on things with him. Stay away from the OM. Work on giving him reasons to trust me, and love me. And work on the way I feel as well.

Any other recommendations?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trixxie:
Work on giving him reasons to trust me, and love me. And work on the way I feel as well.

Any other recommendations? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something to try ... if ya wanna... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Every night for 15 minutes, one of you wears a blindfold...

Trade off every other night, one of you wears the blindfold for 15 minutes...

And during that 15 minutes, the "seeing" spouse gives the non-seeing spouse non-sexual touch along with verbal communication.. in other words talk... and the non-seeing spouse has to allow the other to lead the way...

Try this as a trust building exercise... it's amazing... and fun... and sexy as hell.

Only, if you did these things with OP, don't do this with your spouse.

Pep

I'm sorry if I seemed a bit gruff earlier.
I only get that way when it seems that someone is claiming victim status. Your earlier posts sort of had that tone. Your last post sounds like you're getting it.

Pep's suggestion above is great. TIME with your H should be a priority.

You talk about how your life sucks. What's it going to take to change that? Look at it like a rassling match. Lately, LIFE's been whipping your tail! Climb back in the ring do the atomic pile driver on those things that seem out of control!
Set your priorities and allocate your time accordingly. TAKE OWNERSHIP of your circumstances and KNOW you can control some of them and MANAGE your response others that you can't. Learn to tell the difference.

Chuck Swindoll (a Christian author) said that attitude is 10% about your circumstances and 90% about how you respond to them. You have COMPLETE control over that 90%.

You don't have to do this all at once. Find small things to conquer, then move up.

A key to taking control of your life is to realize that mistakes and shortcomings don't mean you're a terrible person. They only mean you're human. You have to get to point to where you can admit your humanity to yourself and learn from your mistakes without letting them beat down. You have to realize that things may not always go well but that doesn't mean it's your fault.

You called yourself an adulterer earlier. You are only an adulterer as long as you commit adultery. You aren't doing that anymore are you? So you're not an adulterer anymore. There are those people in the world who will try to convince you that you are somehow permanently broken because of what you did. Don't listen to them. That's a lie straight from hell to keep you beat down.

Learn from what's happened. Do right from now on. Sounds simple, but simplicity was the answer when the world got "complicated" for me...like it's gotten for you.

Keep us posted Trixxie,

Low

Hi Trixxie,

You asked:

"Just tell me what to do to help him, thats what I am asking for"

I see lots of posters responded with specific suggestions. There are some wonderfully wise folks here who've been through this themselves. Even the ones who sound 'gruff' really do have your best interest at heart. I wish my WH woudl have come here and even got whacked by a few 2X4's before he caused so much destruction! And I would most certainly NOT wanting him talking to the few folks posting here who would just give him understanding pats on the back. In the long run that never really helps.

The only thing I could think to add to the advice already given is to be very careful about your feelings towards the OM. It was very painful for me to hear my WH express concern for the OW, while showing little to no genuine concern for me and our daughters. I agree with the posters who said he's not your responsibility - your husband is. The OM knew what he was doing and made a choice. Don't fall for the 'closure' temptation... that just prolongs or restarts the affair. Don't even contact the OM in response to him contacting you. If he doesn't stop contacting you have a restraining order served to him. You could have a lawyer or 3rd party handle any communication that might come up because he is your son's biological father. Eventually, your son may have contact with his biological father himself and he's old enough that maybe you could just totally stay out of that relationship, let the two of them discuss visitation plans themselves?

I'm assuming your son doesn't even know this guy? If so, I would honor whatever your son wants as far as visitation with his biological father (if/when you tell your son). You said your son thinks your 1st husband is his father. Does your son have visitation with your 1st husband? Does your 1st husband know that he is not your son's father? Maybe you should delay exposing anymore to anyone else concerned until you get into MC & IC? Your son will probably also need FC (Family Counseling) to help deal with this.

Again, don't worry about the OM, he's not in any way your responsibility.

Right now, I am just really really thankful that I have a husband who I love so desperately and who is willing to let me stay and work on our marriage together.

A big concern for both of us right now is my son. Everyone who is concerned with my son knows who his real father is (my husband, my ex, his biological father{the OM}my family etc) EXCEPT my son doesnt know. Right now my son is working with a therapist who feels that it is time he was told. For reasons that have nothing to do with the A or what is going on with my marriage.

My son is going through a difficult time (@ 15 who isnt?) and his therapist wants him to be told now that he is comfortable working with him and they have established a relationship.

It was through my contact with my sons biological father that the A happened. Once you start taking a walk down memory lane, its really easy to get stuck in the mud without your boots on!

Now I am in a position where I have to ease the transition for my son, to a biological father he doesnt know, and still reassure my husband that the A will not happen again and that I am dedicated to making our marriage work.

Add on top of that, the man that my son thinks is his father(my ex-husband) is NOT a happy guy about my son being told, as they have never had a good relationship and he thinks this would drive my son away from him for good.

So what to do? I have to be there for my son. I have to be there for my husband. The biological father of my child is demanding that I help facilitate this transition as it is my fault he never knew he had a son.

I have suggested a third party to act as a go between, the OM will have none of it. He feels I made this mess, and I d#$@ well better clean it up. (Apparently I had this A all by myself)

My husband is ok with me talking to him, as long as he is in the room/on the phone and he is a part of the conversation. But I do not think he should HAVE to deal with this. And I know that it makes him feel wierd and uncomfortable. I certainly dont want to have this be so awful and ugly, but apparently, along with my husband, my son was the last thing I was thinking of that day. I never thought about how awkward it was going to be to deal with this mess with an A between the two of us.

Any ideas?

Trixxie,

Your OM is right you made this mess. However he is wrong about one thing, you don't have to answer to him and your H doesn't have to put up with this.

STEP #1 GET A LAWYER RIGHT NOW! Do you hear me, get one. Your OM is being very unreasonable to you, your son, and most of all to your H. You and OM made a huge mess and he is going to have to face it. GET a lawyer into this NOW before it becomes physical and someone really gets hurt. DO IT!

Your son's counselor thinks it is time he is told. I would be inclined to do as he suggests. There is NO good time but the IC should be able to help your S work this out. But, get a lawyer in the loop first.

Do you get the idea I am serious about the lawyer??? I hope so. No matter what it costs it will be a bargin compared to the price you, your H, your marriage and your son will pay IF you let OM dictate terms. He has SOME rights, but they are not as many as he seems to think.

Quit talking and get busy protecting your son, your H, your marriage and yourself, and you DO need legal protection.

God Bless,

JL