Hi...I have been posting on another board, but felt this might get some attention sooner. I need some advice, I am beginning to feel panicky here..and I have been trying realy hard to stay as calm as I can. I have suspected that my husband is haveing an affair..at the very least an EA. His cell phone log was the first real solid tip, but there are numerous others. He will not stop calling this one young woman in particular..even tho he knows that I can check the log to see if he is still calling her and vice versa. They are still very much on the phone with each other...even on his days off. Oh yes, he works with her. His job is another source of our present conflict, but I willonot go into all of that now.
Today...our oldest daughter, 16, said that her dad asked her to babysit and keep house for a woman at work, that has 2 little boys. She said that this woman said she would pay her 25o a month. This woman is the same one that I think my husband is involved with! That is all I need...another thing for these 2 people to have in common. I do not want her to do it. I think this is just another ploy for my husbadn and this woman to spend some time together. He woould have to take our daughter there, and go and get her as well...she doen not have her license yet.
What NEXT?????

Yikes.

Ok,have you confronted your H with the phone call log yet? If not then you DO have a right to know why he is make frequent calls to another woman.Of course he'll deny away but call him on it.Also,the more important reason to start blowing this possible,but more than likely, affair wide open is that he is now attempting to use your daughter for what may be harmful reasons unbeknownst to her.

I would not allow your daughter to babysit for this OW until you know her status.If your H puts up a fight with you,then you may have your answer.

I don't know your whole story so I will try to go and read your other posts.And yes,GQII usually gets more "traffic" than some of the other boards.Stick here with us.Also,get a prolfile,that will help.

O

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

How does he explain his frequent calls? Is he unhappy at home? How has your marriage been the past few years?

Ok,I have read all your posts and have a better understanding.

First and foremost,your financial situation MUST take a priority here.It is obvious,to me anyway,that your H is having an A and is on a downward spiral albeit a slower one than some others.You are at risk for being in a serious bind that you may not be able to dig out of,even by having the gracious support of In-laws or parents again.

Have you talked in depth with your H about the financial state you are in? You have to start planning for the worst before it is upon you.It's time to stop being so patient and getting some serious answers justinie.The longer you wait and give your H space,the more trouble you may have.As I see it,you have several issues going on at once here: fiancial trouble,infidelity,depression(H) and possible abuse of alcohol to begin with(as you may know,your H should NOT be mixing AD's with alcohol AND he should not be taking them intermittently).

The A issue can be dealt with in time but you have to make sure that you don't risk losing your home in this process.You have two daughters to keep a roof over their heads,not to mention yourself.

Can you address these issues with us now? It's time to make a plan and protect you and your daughters.

O

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Dont let your daughter do any work for this OW unless YOU have met her and if you suspect it IS THE OW, then absolutely NO, NO, NO! confront your H on everything. If he doesn't have anything to hide then he wont get defensive. I have learned that one. He shouldn't be calling ANY woman on his days off. If he is off, then he is off. That is not acceptable in a marriage!

Justine,

I am sorry for your situation. If your H is having an EA or even EA/PA w/this person it is evident that your H is not thinking clearly.

It is also important you think and act smart about the info you have. Now it is time to step back analyze and think about what you need to do that is best for your family. Right now don't think about revenge or educating your H.

1. What do you know about OW?

2. You have the right to ask your H about info regarding this prospective job he is asking your daughter to take. Let him give you the OWs address and phone #. Full name of all family members including her and her H.

3. Once you receive this info, thank him for it and then let him know you will check into this and get back to him. This is what you would do anytime your children are being asked to work for a stranger right? Well she is a stranger to you. So don't let him friendship w/her approve the working relationship. Many an A have stooped to very manipulative ways to seek out each other. They may even try to get others to approve of their continued contact.

4. After you have had time to settle down a bit, let's see what you know. Get with a good IC or MC, see about who in your immediate area can do some research for you. Like family/friends you can trust. Do a background check on the OW and her family. Do not release info to your H yet. It is important he think you are just checking things out. He maybe anxious on how quickly you respond but just buy some time.

5. After you get concrete proof, you can approach her H. You will by this time have already established contact with him so giving him proof of the A will probably not be as much of a surprise. However, U 2 may be able to form an alliance to help kill the A.

How good of an actress are you? Think you are up to this challenge? You are in a better position than you think.

Keep coming here for moral support. Be smart and be careful. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Read the book Suriving an Affair by Dr W. Harley and Love must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. If you can schedule some phone counseling with Steve Harley, that w/b good.

Again, these are just suggestions. Make your choices wisely,

Take care,
L.

How good, and comforting, to read the advice that you all have given to me today. I really appreciate each one of you. I first want to address some of the questions that you have.
I have tried to talk to my H about the finances. It does not seem to have any affect on this man. When I found out about the house in foreclosure last Nov., we went to see a former pastor of ours, who we also consider to be a friend. HE told us to seek financial help immediately, and that my H should give his paycheck to me for now, and let my pay the bills. Also, to get a 3rd checking account that we would both contribute to.
This still has not happened....he has direct deposit, and so I still do not see it. I have to access his companies' web site to even find out what he made. Sometimes there is NO pay, since he works straight commission.
Also...the phone calls. I have talked to him at great length about these. When I first found out about the cell bill being so high..hundreds of dollars a month....he said they were all business calls. I did not have access to the call log at that time. But by the first of Jan., I asked that he give it to me...so that I could see why we had to pay out 450 dollars in one month for a cell phone of his. He did give me the password...he made 430 calls that month....over half to 2 young women from his work. He was so angry with me for calling him on this...he said they were just girls from work that he thought of like daughters. In fact he has one of them listed in his cell phone, under da for daughter! Of course, I went off on that one. Wish now that I had kept better control of my temper, but to think of him referrring to them as daughters, when he has daughters that he rarely spends time with.....I could not stand that. He said that they like to talk to him about the boyfriend problems...the one who is 25 yrs old is supposedly married. I say supposedly, because he told me his immediate manager there was married, but I found out later she wasn't. He never told me...I found out by calling the workplace and asking for her husband...I knew his name and hers...and I was told that she was not married.
He has not called the youngest girl as much. 21 yrs....but still calls the other woman quite regularly...sometimes as much as 7 - 8 times a day. He would say that he had to call about the work schedule, or even to make sure they got home ok....he has not called me to see if I got home ok since he started working there.
We used to have a good marriage, at least I thought it was...but now it is not at all the same. He has not been the same for quite a few months since he has had this new job.
I never thought that I would see him put so much on the line to prove a point. I think that he loves the freedom this type of sales job provides, and so he does not wish to give it up...even if the money and everything else goes to pot. I am trying to play the part of the strong, coinfident wife....some days are better than others.
But....I never know now,when to talk about something and when to hush...Do I talk or not talk....what do I do????
I have gone over and over Plan A and the divorce buster rules, and only hope that I can do these.
Thanks to all of you who reply...this is so great, just to know that there are people out there that can understand and help.